Where I'm at

[26pointblue]

Hi everyone, it's been awhile. I went out of town to a marathon & visited my family. I was doing okay while I was away although some strange things happened. Several times xMM tried to contact me & I just ignored him. He would call my cell on random numbers because I blocked his & I wouldn't answer & he would leave VMs asking me to call him back on those numbers but I just wouldn't.

 

Then his wife started calling me & I thought that was strange & just ignored her. She would call several times a day & not leave any messages. Then a couple nights ago she sent me a text asking me 'are you with [xMM] right now?' I texted back, 'No, I'm in Boston.' My sister remarked that he is probably out with someone else! Which wouldn't surprise me as I think he was starting to date this other woman as he & I were breaking up. That is all that happened that night.

 

I got back yesterday & was feeling sad & lonely but overall I know I'll be okay. Well today his wife called me again & for some reason I answered . . . I think I was kinda curious as to what she had to say. She was asking me what the status of our relationship is & I said we're not in one. She wanted to know his whereabouts on certain dates [recently] & I said I don't know, that we are over & that I have been out of town. Then she begged & pleaded with me to stay away from him so that their family can have him back. I told her that I have been & I will. At one point she said she puts all the blame on me & that I am a homewrecker & if it weren't for me he would be a good husband & father. I found this rather ironic considering that every single time we have broken up, it has been my doing & he always comes around saying he loves me & wants to be with me & is getting divorced. Nevertheless I apologized for my part in hurting her & her family.

 

It was a very strange & long conversation but I just tried to listen & understand. Honestly I don't think I am the problem, I think he is just incredibly unhappy, with himself I guess, & not being with me hasn't made anything better. In his voicemails he sounds terribly unhappy & upset but it's the same old song & dance about wanting to get divorced without actually having done anything, so what's the point. At least I'm doing what I can & staying away from him. I know he lied to me & her all the time & I am glad he is out of my life in that his lies were toxic. I know I deserve better although honestly for some reason I still miss him & feel love for him. :-( I guess I am just attracted to scumbags?! I'm in this weird phase where I'm glad it's over but I just want him to be happy & I do still love him even though I know it makes no sense.

 

Thanks for listening.

[BB07]

You are doing well 26point, I know it's hard but I'm proud of you.

 

As for his wife, she is venting her anger at you which you understand that and it sounds like you handled it well.

 

I think you also already know that xmm is screwed up and doesn't know what he wants or else he doesn't have the gonads to do anything about it, instead he drags everyone else around him down with him. These men are so selfish and either don't realize how much they are hurting everyone else or some of them just don't care.

[fooled once]

Hi everyone, it's been awhile. I went out of town to a marathon & visited my family. I was doing okay while I was away although some strange things happened. Several times xMM tried to contact me & I just ignored him. He would call my cell on random numbers because I blocked his & I wouldn't answer & he would leave VMs asking me to call him back on those numbers but I just wouldn't.

 

Then his wife started calling me & I thought that was strange & just ignored her. She would call several times a day & not leave any messages. Then a couple nights ago she sent me a text asking me 'are you with [xMM] right now?' I texted back, 'No, I'm in Boston.' My sister remarked that he is probably out with someone else! Which wouldn't surprise me as I think he was starting to date this other woman as he & I were breaking up. That is all that happened that night.

 

I got back yesterday & was feeling sad & lonely but overall I know I'll be okay. Well today his wife called me again & for some reason I answered . . . I think I was kinda curious as to what she had to say. She was asking me what the status of our relationship is & I said we're not in one. She wanted to know his whereabouts on certain dates [recently] & I said I don't know, that we are over & that I have been out of town. Then she begged & pleaded with me to stay away from him so that their family can have him back. I told her that I have been & I will. At one point she said she puts all the blame on me & that I am a homewrecker & if it weren't for me he would be a good husband & father. I found this rather ironic considering that every single time we have broken up, it has been my doing & he always comes around saying he loves me & wants to be with me & is getting divorced. Nevertheless I apologized for my part in hurting her & her family.

 

It was a very strange & long conversation but I just tried to listen & understand. Honestly I don't think I am the problem, I think he is just incredibly unhappy, with himself I guess, & not being with me hasn't made anything better. In his voicemails he sounds terribly unhappy & upset but it's the same old song & dance about wanting to get divorced without actually having done anything, so what's the point. At least I'm doing what I can & staying away from him. I know he lied to me & her all the time & I am glad he is out of my life in that his lies were toxic. I know I deserve better although honestly for some reason I still miss him & feel love for him. :-( I guess I am just attracted to scumbags?! I'm in this weird phase where I'm glad it's over but I just want him to be happy & I do still love him even though I know it makes no sense.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Hi blue!

 

Couple of things....

 

in many ways, it is normal for his wife to blame you; because she loves and trusts her H, she can't believe he would do anything unless seduced He has her believing he is innocent and it wouldn't surprise me in the least if he told her you were the one chasing him. It is his way to absolve responsibility for what he did.

 

Unfortunately, she still thinks he is a decent husband; she trusts him (probably due to his lying to her) and she wants to keep her marriage / family together. Trust me, divorcing with a child is a scary situation. While I know it is easy to hate her or blame her for the state of her marriage, you have to remember HE is the common denominator here. He is a manipulator and a liar. He is a coward.

 

I think he wants you to THINK he is unhappy. Heck, he may be but he is doing NOTHING to change that. He isn't seeking counseling (either individual or marriage) and he isn't seeking a separation. He is doing what HE wants and that's all he cares about.

 

I hope he is miserable. I hope he stays unhappy and I hope his next mistress sees right thought his lies and manipulation.

 

As for you - you can't turn your emotions on and off. You have to just let time heal your heart. I don't think so much it is HIM that you still love; I think you loved feeling good about YOU and loved having the attention (which is a totally normal thing!) Please don't beat yourself up that you haven't moved forward yet. You will - just take it one day at a time.

 

He hurt you, he lied to you, he used you and he took advantage of you.

 

Let yourself grieve and then pick yourself up and move forward.

 

What are you doing for YOU each day? How did the marathon go? Did you have a good time in Boston?

 

It's spring. The weather is SLOWLY getting better On the nice days, get out and enjoy the sunshine, the flowers blooming and the fact that you no longer have to sneak around or worry about his wife finding out. Focus on YOU. If you are a runner, I bet you are enjoying running in the spring - not too hot; not too cold.

 

Good luck to you!

[26pointblue]

Thanks for the comments, FooledOnce. I do think he is an incredibly practiced liar & manipulator . . . & by that I don't even mean that he does it purposefully but it is just how he operates. So I do see how he could have lied to her about me being the one pursuing him but still it's not like I could have made him do anything he didn't want to do.

 

This whole situation is just so hard & I sure wish I had never gotten myself into it. I have really been trying to focus on myself & move on from this. I am definitely enjoying running in this weather & I've signed up for a race in October, determined to get my fastest time by then. I have several other projects, not to mention work, to keep me busy & motivated & focused on other things besides xMM. It's still very hard though; I really never loved anyone the way I love(d) him.

[fooled once]

Thanks for the comments, FooledOnce. I do think he is an incredibly practiced liar & manipulator . . . & by that I don't even mean that he does it purposefully but it is just how he operates. So I do see how he could have lied to her about me being the one pursuing him but still it's not like I could have made him do anything he didn't want to do.

 

This whole situation is just so hard & I sure wish I had never gotten myself into it. I have really been trying to focus on myself & move on from this. I am definitely enjoying running in this weather & I've signed up for a race in October, determined to get my fastest time by then. I have several other projects, not to mention work, to keep me busy & motivated & focused on other things besides xMM. It's still very hard though; I really never loved anyone the way I love(d) him.

 

 

I bet deep down she knows you aren't the one to "blame". She may dislike it that you chose to continue to sleep with her husband/have a relationship with him even knowing he was married. But you can't control anyone but yourself.

 

Glad to hear you are enjoying the running. Best thing you can be doing for yourself - to keep yourself healthy. Many times, when people go through relationship issues, they turn to food, or alcohol, to help them through. You are doing the opposite, which is GOOD for your body and your mind. Running gives you time to think, gives you a focus and I hope that when you have your race in October, you beat your goal!

 

Love yourself through all this. Keep a positive mind; and good thoughts. I am willing to bet the next time you give your heart, it will be even more mindblowing than you can image. Want to know why? Because it will be with someone who is truly proud to be with you, want to spend time with you and isn't going home to anyone else or already committed to someone else.

 

I wish you the best each day as you get stronger!!

[26pointblue]

I bet deep down she knows you aren't the one to "blame". She may dislike it that you chose to continue to sleep with her husband/have a relationship with him even knowing he was married. But you can't control anyone but yourself.

 

Glad to hear you are enjoying the running. Best thing you can be doing for yourself - to keep yourself healthy. Many times, when people go through relationship issues, they turn to food, or alcohol, to help them through. You are doing the opposite, which is GOOD for your body and your mind. Running gives you time to think, gives you a focus and I hope that when you have your race in October, you beat your goal!

 

Love yourself through all this. Keep a positive mind; and good thoughts. I am willing to bet the next time you give your heart, it will be even more mindblowing than you can image. Want to know why? Because it will be with someone who is truly proud to be with you, want to spend time with you and isn't going home to anyone else or already committed to someone else.

 

I wish you the best each day as you get stronger!!

 

Thank you again for the encouragement. During this long on-again off-again affair, I did not heandle things in a healthy way. Especially when we were off. I definitely turned to food & alcohol, & other unhealthy choices like sleeping around!!! It was not pretty. As a result I gained quite a bit of weight :-(, my work was sub-par to say the least, & I was afraid to death that I had gotten an STD. Now I just want to focus on better choices & give myself happy things to do.

 

I know it is strange but I just felt like I had to go back & give it my all & see what happened. Well, this is what happened & now I really feel like I can walk away for good. I want to come out stronger & wiser & that is what I tell myself when it gets hard, because honestly, sometimes I feel so lonely & I just miss that connection so much.

 

I hope you're right about eventually finding the right one to give my heart to. xMM was definitely the wrong one!!!

 

Thanks.

[Jane Deaux]

26PB,

 

So happy to hear from you. I have been thinking of you and hoping you were doing well. I am sorry you are going through a heartbreaking time. It will be confusing at times, then other times you will "see the light", then maybe just a few short hours later you will be back to heartbroken and confused. It's all very normal. Don't be ashamed of missing him. And don't think that if you have an idea or a tiny little wishful thinking about what could have been means you are not doing well. You made a strong decision, you are treating yourself right and you are moving forward. That is much better than laying in bed with a pint of Haagen Daz. You can't control your emotions or your thoughts, so go ahead and forgive yourself for the errant thoughts now and realize they are perfectly acceptable and normal part of grieving and getting past love for someone. It hurts, that's why they call it a broken heart. And you are doing great!

Keep us updated. And don't be afraid if you have an off day. Let us know and you know we will all support you. Take care, hugs, and good luck!

[Carrot2000]

All in all, it sounds like you're in a good place.:bunny:

[TinaniT]

First, of all, I'm not forgiving you for being in Boston while I was in Boston and not sending me a message so we could meet up for dinner and I could meet one of my imaginary friends.

 

 

 

Second, that sounds very rough. His poor wife certainly sounds quite confused. And it sounds like exMM is up to no good. I'm glad you are avoiding that; but sorry about the pain you are going through.

You sound like you handled a hard situation (the communication) with dignity and class.

 

Which reminds me, I would have wanted to meet you!

 

Peace to you, 26.

[26pointblue]

Thanks, everyone! Yes, I think his wife is very confused to be placing all the blame on me when he is clearly the one with issues [not that I don't also have issues but I am not the one married to her & I am the one who has always broken it off with him, just for him to come begging me back!!]

 

Tinani, sorry, I didn't know you were in Boston! I will be in San Francisco for the Nike Women's Marathon . . . probably just the half marathon . . . in October - any chance you will be there?

 

This is such a hard process & I keep wondering how I could have let myself fall for him [over & over]. Why did I have this connection with him & what does it say about me??

 

I keep telling myself I am in the prime of my life - it often feels like I'm at the end of that 'prime' in terms of being single/dating, having fun, etc. but I know that people who are older than 30 would disagree with me! - & that I was wasting my precious time being with someone who is so much older than me & already has gone through all the stages of life that I may one day want to go through, such as marriage & having kids etc. Sometimes it helps & sometimes I just don't care & I want to be with him anyway. :-( Jane I guess you're right that all my thoughts are normal & I have to just let myself feel it. Thank you.

[Breezy Trousers]

I agree that we cannot control our feelings, especially around intense addictions (which, IMO, is what 90% of all affairs are).

 

You sound strong, positive & centered.

[fooled once]

Thanks, everyone! Yes, I think his wife is very confused to be placing all the blame on me when he is clearly the one with issues [not that I don't also have issues but I am not the one married to her & I am the one who has always broken it off with him, just for him to come begging me back!!]

 

**It is hard for her to grasp that the man she chose to have kids/a life with could betray her. Just as many OW feel "how could he lie to me, blah blah blah", think about how the spouse feels. I know many OW don't like the wife (because of the MM and his many complaints/excuses he used), but image having a life with someone and finding out some other person chose to insert themselves into your marriage/commitment. You would be hard pressed in the beginning to completely blame your partner. In addition, throw in a MM who blames the OW for the affair such as "Honey, she knew I was married and she kept coming on to me, throwing herself at me. I told her I was happy and I love YOU but she kept telling me how if you loved me, you would do xyz and that she can't believe how you aren't interested in my life, how you don't communicate with me, etc". See what I am saying?

This is such a hard process & I keep wondering how I could have let myself fall for him [over & over]. Why did I have this connection with him & what does it say about me??

 

**Yes, it is a hard process; but it isn't something you cannot conquer. You can and you will. You believed his words; you were manipulated, you were used. He saw where you were vulnerable and he went for that spot; he woo'd you, he charmed you and he made himself your knight in shining armour.

 

This says about you that you can love. REJOICE in that because there are plenty of people who don't think they can love someone. This says you trust. You trusted him to be true to his word. You kept going back because you were loyal to him. You kept going back because you believed him.

I keep telling myself I am in the prime of my life - it often feels like I'm at the end of that 'prime' in terms of being single/dating, having fun, etc. but I know that people who are older than 30 would disagree with me! - & that I was wasting my precious time being with someone who is so much older than me & already has gone through all the stages of life that I may one day want to go through, such as marriage & having kids etc. Sometimes it helps & sometimes I just don't care & I want to be with him anyway. :-( Jane I guess you're right that all my thoughts are normal & I have to just let myself feel it. Thank you.

 

responses in bold above.

 

Oh blue, you are FAR from the prime of your life --- prime is around 38/40 years old. Once you hit your 30's, you will see life so differently than in your 20's. You will be more self confident, self assured and truly ready to be with someone.

 

Enjoy the men your age. Don't be in a huge rush to settle down. ENJOY life. Date around (when you are ready). Don't give away your precious body unless someone is WORTH it. Don't just allow anyone into your space. Be picky; be choosy.

 

Above all else, love yourself.

 

Good luck.

[26pointblue]

I agree that we cannot control our feelings, especially around intense addictions (which, IMO, is what 90% of all affairs are).

 

You sound strong, positive & centered.

 

I'm glad you think so . . . thank you. I think I'm faking it until I make it. I HOPE I make it!

 

I agree that it was an addiction on both his part & mine. After a time I knew we weren't going to work out for real, I knew he was lying to me, I knew I deserved better & a big part of me wanted & was ready to move on from him, & yet I still couldn't give him up. I still wanted to have hope. He knew I was bad for his marriage but he couldn't give me up either. And honestly like an addict I start to feel like I'm crashing & like I need him so much. :-( I just want to get past this feeling!

[26pointblue]

**It is hard for her to grasp that the man she chose to have kids/a life with could betray her. Just as many OW feel "how could he lie to me, blah blah blah", think about how the spouse feels. I know many OW don't like the wife (because of the MM and his many complaints/excuses he used), but image having a life with someone and finding out some other person chose to insert themselves into your marriage/commitment. You would be hard pressed in the beginning to completely blame your partner. In addition, throw in a MM who blames the OW for the affair such as "Honey, she knew I was married and she kept coming on to me, throwing herself at me. I told her I was happy and I love YOU but she kept telling me how if you loved me, you would do xyz and that she can't believe how you aren't interested in my life, how you don't communicate with me, etc". See what I am saying?

 

Yes- he used to play the victim & blame everything on her so I'm quite sure he did that in the reverse & blamed everything on me when he was talking to her. :-(

 

 

**Yes, it is a hard process; but it isn't something you cannot conquer. You can and you will. You believed his words; you were manipulated, you were used. He saw where you were vulnerable and he went for that spot; he woo'd you, he charmed you and he made himself your knight in shining armour.

 

This says about you that you can love. REJOICE in that because there are plenty of people who don't think they can love someone. This says you trust. You trusted him to be true to his word. You kept going back because you were loyal to him. You kept going back because you believed him.

I just don't see it that way right now . . . I feel like I was a fool for loving him & that maybe my kind of love is unhealthy or directed at the wrong person or type of person. I do hope that soon I can see it as a positive thing. One thing I do know is that I gave my all to him & really loved him . . . which, you're right, is rare & I do not regret it. I know for sure that I did everything I could & that I was true to my love for him. So when I start to feel foolish [i guess I wish I just had never fallen in love with him], I remind myself that at least I chose a direction & went with it with my all, even if it didn't work out.

 

Oh blue, you are FAR from the prime of your life --- prime is around 38/40 years old. Once you hit your 30's, you will see life so differently than in your 20's. You will be more self confident, self assured and truly ready to be with someone.

 

Enjoy the men your age. Don't be in a huge rush to settle down. ENJOY life. Date around (when you are ready). Don't give away your precious body unless someone is WORTH it. Don't just allow anyone into your space. Be picky; be choosy.

 

Above all else, love yourself.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for the advice. Right now I can't even think about dating. But I feel so terribly alone & lonely! It is just me & that's no fun. It shows me that what we had wasn't real & it wasn't an actual relationship. The good thing is that I do know I want a real relationship when I'm ready for it. But for now it feels so lonely.

 

 

 

Thanks again.