Moving on is torture

[Kilty]

Firstly i have read a couple of threads where the dumper has the regrets and my circumstances are almost similar.

 

I had a two year relationship with a great girl and we had no major issues or problems.

 

The big killer was we had both been hurt from previous relationships in the past - we never openly discussed it but both kinda knew.

 

This made us both find it hard to express our true feelings.

 

Things rolled on and the relationship deteriorated because of this and we both became lazy and a lot of unhappiness developed - but again neither of us said anything.

 

Anyway the time had come for that talk and on Valentines day 2010 we had a great day out but had too much to drink.

 

I went back to her place and ended up walking out.

 

The next day she tried to fix things & sent a couple of texts - but i was still raw and told her that i thought i would only make her unhappy.

 

I know she was devastated and i cant even imagine how she felt.

 

I came to my senses a few weeks later later and built myself up to contacting her - the problem was that on the day i went to make contact i found out she was seeing someone else from our same workplace.

 

It transpired that the guy in question had made an advance to her whilst we were together but she had flatly rebuffed him and told him she had a boyfriend to which he backed off.

 

Not only that the guy is approaching 50, has an ex wife and 3 grown up kids, and had also previously recently been engaged to a girl who was pregnant with someone elses child.

 

Both of us had never been married. She had been engaged some years ago but got cheated on.

 

Anyway when the guy heard we had fallen out he moved in fast and asked her out again to which she agreed.

 

At that i refused to contact her as to do so would only give the impression that i only wanted her back because she was with someone else - which was not the case at all.

 

I just hoped it was a rebound and decided to let it run its course.

 

3 months passed and they were still together. By this point after such a long time of no contact i was making myself unwell and decided to go for it.

 

I sent her a letter bearing my soul to her asking her forgiveness. I was open and honest and tried to explain everything in my past that had caused me to behave how i did.

 

As you can expect this had no effect. She acknowledged it, told me she was happier than she had ever been and asked me not to contact her again.

 

I gave her what she wanted.

 

A month later they went on holiday together and got engaged. The wedding and Honeymoon is set for later this year. I think you can guess who's idea this was.

 

Anyway today the fiance has been moved to my part of the workplace. He goes around showing people pictures of her on his phone (not obscene pics) and the latest is that he has bought her a bicycle so they can go riding together (he is into that).

 

So thats my current situation. I dont deserve sympathy and im not looking for any - just pointing out how much life sucks at the moment.

 

I had the usual feelings of missing her deeply but this recent development has brought back deep depression and a constant knot in my stomach.

 

If i had been really bad to her i could appreciate all of this but there really is no competition between me and the new guy - certainly not looks wise plus he is really old looking - not to mention the baggage.

 

There is nothing i can do to get her back as much as i still love her and i certainly dont want to interfere with her life if she is truly happy.

 

I doubt even a miracle from up above could help at this juncture.

 

Ive read all the tips to help with the moving on process but short of getting a new job (hard in the current climate) i am helpless so would appreciate any advice.

 

It is a big building so i could ask for a move but i dont really want to rock the boat or certainly let them know it is affecting me as much

[Lil1]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation Kilty, it's so difficult to get over a lost love. The thing is, your ex and her fiancee already know that you are deeply affected by their relationship (your letter that you sent her pretty much sealed it), and the truth is that you are not able to move on sooner because you have to deal with them everyday at work. I don't think that asking for a transfer would make you look weak, it would be a good move so that you can heal faster.

 

Who really knows if your ex is truly in love with the older guy or if it's just the same old pattern repreating itself (being complacent and staying in the relationship for the wrong reasons). The fact is she is now engaged and has made it clear to you that she does not want you back (sorry, I know that sounds terrible, and not what you want to hear!) and the sooner you realize this, I mean really internalize it, the sooner you will start the moving on process.

 

Try dating casually again, don't just sit on the sidelines. Do something proactive to improve yourself and your life, and believe me, posting on here def. helps (even if you don't get the advice you want, just the fact that you are writing down your thoughts and reading other people's experiences is very therapeutic!), so the next time you feel like reaching out to her post here first! I wish you love and happiness Kilty, hang in there!

[Sassygirl2]

Wow - I feel for you too Kilty. That's a screwed up situation. It must hurt like hell that you have to work with these two and see them daily. I don't think I would be able to do it. It sounds like she ran to this guy pretty quickly after you walked out. It seems she would have given it some time before dating someone else so soon. Maybe she is desperate for the attention of a man or needs a man in her life. (I know, I've been there.) The fact that they are showing pictures at work and kind of throwing it in your face is really immature. It sounds like you have been great about not showing that it's affecting you. I don't blame you for writing the letter - I would have too. I'm sorry things worked out this way. Like many people have said to me, maybe she wasn't the right person for you and you are better off without her. It hurts like hell, I know. I'm going through it too. You will get better and it will hurt a little less each day.

[Kilty]

Thanks for your replies Lil1 & Sassygirl

 

Yeah its really tough at the moment.

 

A lot of my female friends try and make me feel better by saying it's rebound and/or she just needs someone in her life and anybody will do.

 

But i guess it's been too long for rebound now and it doesnt make me feel any better thinking that when she was with me i could have just been anyone.

 

She is quite an impressionable girl and how quickly she has accepted his proposal after only knowing him for a couple of months says a lot i think.

 

She is 47 this year - i am only 43 - so maybe her age and never having been married before has an affect on her decision making.

 

Maybe it is true love - but im not a great believer in that after such a short space of time.

 

I think the fact that she knocked him back when we were together and also tried to salvage our relationship immediately after our fall out says who she really wanted.

 

Who knows though - anything and everything is possible i guess.

 

I have no doubt he is a "nice" guy and is kind to her but to see his background and his baggage it seems that he just needs to be with someone as well - maybe the two of them are a match for that reason.

 

Personally i cant think of anything worse than being with someone for the sake of it and thats why i dont like thinking she was with me for that reason.

 

I guess i'm just going to have to grow a pair and suck it up and try my best to act indifferent around him in particular - i may be wrong but i dont think he knows me and i doubt she would have shown him the letter.

 

She isnt that type of girl - and has no badness in her.

 

It's just an awful mess but she has made her decision and i have to live with it and how i caused it.