TurboGirl Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 What everyone else said. And... Here's some tough love for ya Rooke. 1) Affairs are fun for the affair partners. Ya wanna know why? Because they are perpetually in the honeymoon phase. There is never any day-to-day grind in affairs, they are romantic fairy tales full of wine and roses. Like the first few months of dating someone new without all the real-life baggage. So most affair partners are like drug addicts and "jones" for the fake facade that the affair really is. 2) Affairs are in themselves toxic. You have one, sometimes two people - (the married affair partners) - throwing the people closest to them under a bus for their own gratification. I could never be with someone who can be that cruel to the people closest to them. I makes me doubt their character and basically not trust anything they say. I mean if they are willing to throw the people closest to them under a bus then they are capable of anything - (like dumping you cold without a decent explanation and disappearing.. as in your case.) 3) You yearn for who you *think* he is, not who he really is. The man he really is can throw his wife under a bus and cheat with you. The man he really is then dumps you without so much as a good bye and runs away. This "man" is not a quality guy, he is not a man but a selfish boy who is using two women to fill holes in his ego.. one at home, and another - (you) - for no-strings sex. Wow. Sounds like quite a catch! 4) Walk away. Take this chapter in your life as a lesson that people who cheat are unhealthy and make poor emotional partners when it comes down to it. I mean really, let's say you two hook up... what's to stop this very same guy from getting tired of you one day and then cheating on you as well? I'd say the probability that this man you pine for will cheat on you eventually is very high. (He's already proven he is capable of infidelity.. with you!) Anyhow, do what you must. All I can say is you're learning the hard way the real character of this man, judge him by his actions, not his hollow words or promises. Good luck. Thank you Yellow Shark, I needed to have that spelled out today. I think I'm going to copy it and put it on my desktop!
Flabbergaster Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Rooke...no alcohol. NONE at all. Alcohol is a mood enhancer, and your mood is in a bad place. Starting to smoke would be better than alcohol, at this point. Exercise would be better than both. I'm serious...you are not handling this very well (not a criticism, it's very painful, that's all). You can't risk touching alcohol until after you have passed this anxiety stage. Worse, alcohol prevents you from healing, keeps you in this stage longer. I appreciate that. I think I'm just trying to run before I can walk. I need to be patient and just hope a few weeks down the line I still don't feel like this. I know I have no choice but to accept it. Right now, worry about letting yourself feel the pain, let the grief wash THROUGH you. Don't worry about "never," worry about what you can do to make the next two weeks easier for you. If it is meant to be, it won't happen in the next two weeks. So get through that with less pain and figure the rest out later. Stop torturing yourself for the next two weeks; you know nothing will change in two weeks. Maybe later? Sure, maybe later somethign will change. SO wait till later to think about that. Those words "one more fix" resonate so much with me. [snip]... I seriously feel unfinished business with him & am stuck as you are. I really hope we can negotiate our ways through the messes we find ourselves in, as painlessly as possible. Yeah, this gives me a LOT of appreciation for people that struggle with alcohol/cocaine/heroin/crack addiction. a lot of respect for those who stay clean, more than I had before. One more fix...that's all I want. ahem, then the next. And maybe one after that. We have to convince ourselves that the 'last' fix was the last one. They say that the first hit of crack is pure bliss...and every hit after that is an unfulfilled attempt to recapture the feeling of the first hit. Does he want no contact with you? Do you think he will contact you? *thwap* to the side of your head (brotherly). stop thinking like that. Assume he's in pain (for your dignity) but has chosen her. And stop wondering if he'll contact you. Nothing gonna happen in the next two weeks, so stop worrying for next two weeks. I promise he WON'T call in the next two weeks, ok? So you have two weeks to stop thinking "will he call?" No fair thinking "what about after two weeks?" right now, either. What everyone else said. And... Here's some tough love for ya Rooke. [snip] Good luck. Yellow, I'm so mad at you right now. Every painful word you say is true. I'm so mad. Thank you for putting that harsh truth out. God I hate to read it, and I know it's true. Yeah, i might put that on my desktop for repeat reading as well.
BB07 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Rooke.........someone else mentioned about the stages of grief and think they are right, you are going through the bargaining stage. It's rough but try to hang on and walk through it, please don't go back. Keep in mind that going back will lesson your self respect and bring you more pain in the long run. In other words........please don't pick up the crack pipe, (mm). Do it for yourself.......love yourself more than him. Hugs..........
Author Rooke Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Thanks for the slap FG, although I would've preferred a hug. I needed this kind of tough talk to shake me up a bit. I should state, though to YS that he did actually say goodbye, I know that doesn't make it any better but... I am trying, I'm trying really hard, but when you've built a whole little cocoon with someone it's hard to adjust to life outside that cocoon. I try and push those "Will he get in touch?" "Will I see him again?" but sometimes they overwhelm me and I keep asking those questions over and over and it's torture because I can't possibly know the answer. I think, what you said FG about the first hit of crack being unrivalled, is a great analogy for this, because I think I'm letting myself believe things could be as good as they were then but after all the water under the bridge, it never will be. I am staying away from alcohol from now on, it was NOT a good idea. I smoke already and I think these two weeks since d day have probably taken 20 years off my life. I'm not good at losing people I don't think and I'm really not handling it all that well.
Owl Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 This raises a couple of other things that you can do to help yourself deal with the stress and grief at the end of this relationship. First off...fill the void left by him with something else. Start working out, going to the gym. Take up a new hobby, or renew an old one you left behind. Ever consider doing martial arts? Now's a good time to start...focusing on learning new things and wearing yourself out in the process will help you change your focus off of him, and improve your sleep as well. Secondly...do you have any friend or family that you can turn to for support as well? People who can "be there for you" when you need it? If you can talk about the situation...great. If not, even if they just know that something's gone on and you need support...use them to help you get through this.
Flabbergaster Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Owl has good advice. Listen to it. Thanks for the slap FG, although I would've preferred a hug. :bunny: You know I have a hug for you. Don't worry about that. I try and push those "Will he get in touch?" "Will I see him again?" but sometimes they overwhelm me and I keep asking those questions over and over and it's torture because I can't possibly know the answer. Don't I know it. I find it easier to say, "someday she and I might be in touch, just not this week." Then i don't worry so much about "will she get in touch?" Then i make myself not ask "ok what about next week?" because that is a question for next week. I think, what you said FG about the first hit of crack being unrivalled, is a great analogy for this, because I think I'm letting myself believe things could be as good as they were then but after all the water under the bridge, it never will be. REcently i looked back at some earlier correspondence...and saw how long we were upset about imminent end. I must make myself ask...was there a moment this A was not on life support? See, you're also making yourself believe that things WERE as good as you WANT to think they were. A lot of those moments were really really bad, you're forgetting that right now. I am staying away from alcohol from now on, it was NOT a good idea. I smoke already and I think these two weeks since d day have probably taken 20 years off my life. Well...good chance to change your routine, which will shake your whole thinking. You can now only smoke while walking, and you will look for other ways to get more exercise. Maybe a good time to try chiantrix to quit smoking...it is a very mild antidepressant. Good side benefit? I'm not good at losing people I don't think and I'm really not handling it all that well. Who is? Well, what do you think you could do to handle it better? Ok, now how do you do that? Think about these last two Q's for a bit. *hug* you'll get there. It will get better. Your situation is pretty rough, you're going to be able to beat it. *hug* (see, I told you that i have a hug for you...)
Author Rooke Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 I've had alot of support from my Mum this week but she's going home on Sunday and I think that's stirring up a lot of terror, and also he's back to work next week and I'm scared I'll go looking for him. What FG said about him not wanting to see me is preventing me from doing that, but I'm scared I'll somehow find myself outside of his school and not know how I got there. Thanks FG, I needed that hug, it's made me feel a bit warmer. I realise there's a lot of bad stuff I'm choosing to ignore and overlook. I think the thing I miss the most is the sex. But was all this pain and heartache worth it for a few stolen moments of great sex? Probably not. I don't think that this is the time to be quitting smoking! Everyone is saying he'll be in touch and I'm putting this front on, pretending I don't want him to be, this is the only place I can be brutally honest, and if I let myself believe he's going to and then doesn't I'll feel hurt all over again and a hurt that this time, I caused myself. So I need to get stuff straight in my head because at the moment I don't know what to think.
fooled once Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Rooke...STOP asking about his side of things!!!! You need to start working to CHANGE this behavior. I know it's not easy...but in all honesty, it doesn't appear that you're TRYING to change this behavior at all, from your posts and comments. You're still sitting there passively waiting for a change...waiting for that message to go through...waiting and hoping that he'll break his silence and resume contact with you. You're not remembering the pain of what it was like when you were in the affair...you're just focusing on the rosy glow you'll get of resumed contact. CHANGE YOUR MENTAL BEHAVIOR. Stop thinking about him, about what's going on in his world, what he's feeling or not feeling for you/his wife/the affair/the cat. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Take the power back and start making the decision on YOUR part that this is over, and it's time to heal and move on. Stop sitting there passively, stop hoping he'll come back, stop focusing on what you miss...start focusing on what you gain by the end of this whole messed up situation. Owl is one of the most compassionate, caring, thoughtful, knowledgeable and open minded people I believe to be on LS and his advice is dead on. Yellow Shark - great advice too!
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