His phone is still switched off...?

[Rooke]

It's been 11 days since D Day and I haven't had a report to say my SMS has been delivered which means his phone is still switched off.

It's a contract, and he said it was broken.

Why is it still off and he's done nothing about getting it fixed?

[TaraMaiden]

Because he doesn't want to.

because to do so means he'd have to face his responsibilities, which is too much like hard work.

 

Why even try to bother contacting him at all.

he's made his feelings and wishes abundantly clear.

 

Take it on the chin, and don't fill your head with him.

he's living in there rent-free, and you don't have to let him do that.

Quit with the angst, and say "phukket".

 

Move on.

[2sunny]

because he knows you will contact him if it's on... and he's trying to save his marriage.

 

move on... he's telling you everything his words won't say.

[Flabbergaster]

Rooke

Let's assume that he blocked your number. As a result, the sms won't be delivered. Ok, now we've solved that mystery...so we're not going to let it bother us anymore. If there is anything still trying to resend...I know you are strong enough to delete it from the outbox, right now. Later, we'll talk about whether we still want to send it. For right now...let's just cancel all outgoing for a few days.

Now I'm going to ask you to do something that might be a bit scary. I know you can be strong enough to do this. On the weekend...turn your mobile phone off the whole time. Better yet, leave it behind. This way you won't be thinking "I should check if he called."

Only reason to bring it with you is if it is your connection to LS. If it is, then bring it and leave it off for two hour periods. Only turn it on to check LS and post.

[Rooke]

Rooke

Let's assume that he blocked your number. As a result, the sms won't be delivered. Ok, now we've solved that mystery...so we're not going to let it bother us anymore. If there is anything still trying to resend...I know you are strong enough to delete it from the outbox, right now. Later, we'll talk about whether we still want to send it. For right now...let's just cancel all outgoing for a few days.

Now I'm going to ask you to do something that might be a bit scary. I know you can be strong enough to do this. On the weekend...turn your mobile phone off the whole time. Better yet, leave it behind. This way you won't be thinking "I should check if he called."

Only reason to bring it with you is if it is your connection to LS. If it is, then bring it and leave it off for two hour periods. Only turn it on to check LS and post.

 

 

He can't block my number because we're on the same network and our network doesn't allow it because I've looked into blocking his number.

I don't think I need to do that because I think it's probably never going to be switched on.

[Rooke]

Because he doesn't want to.

because to do so means he'd have to face his responsibilities, which is too much like hard work.

 

Why even try to bother contacting him at all.

he's made his feelings and wishes abundantly clear.

 

Take it on the chin, and don't fill your head with him.

he's living in there rent-free, and you don't have to let him do that.

Quit with the angst, and say "phukket".

 

Move on.

 

You're absolutely right. He doesn't want to face his responsibilities, he's a coward.

[Lucky_One]

He wouldn't be the first MM who has a cell phone broken by his wife and had the number cancelled. Yes, it costs money to break a contract, but a divorce is much more costly.

[Rooke]

because he knows you will contact him if it's on... and he's trying to save his marriage.

 

move on... he's telling you everything his words won't say.

 

Absolutely, his words said the exact opposite and I was stupid enough to believe him.

[2sunny]

You're absolutely right. He doesn't want to face his responsibilities, he's a coward.

 

what responsibility is that? he may be attempting to face them and focusing on his M.

 

let's not make assumptions... his evidence shows something has changed. his phone is off... that indicates he has no intention of having contact with you right now.

 

accept that. MOVE FORWARD.

[2sunny]

Absolutely, his words said the exact opposite and I was stupid enough to believe him.

 

well - last i heard - cheaters lie. do you want to choose a cheater and liar for yourself?

 

 

if not - CHOOSE to never have contact with him again!

[Emme]

Why do you still care? Didn't we talk about this... What's going on Rooke?

[Rooke]

Why do you still care? Didn't we talk about this... What's going on Rooke?

 

 

Oh I don't know Emme. Perhaps I'm being ridiculous. But every five minutes it's like "I love him" then "I hate him" I'm scared as to which one will win.

[whichwayisup]

It's been 11 days since D Day and I haven't had a report to say my SMS has been delivered which means his phone is still switched off.

It's a contract, and he said it was broken.

Why is it still off and he's done nothing about getting it fixed?

 

you gotta stop obsessing with the phone thing and start accepting the reality of your situation. Hanging on, wishing/hoping is doing NO good except keeping you focussed on him. You need to let go and allow your grieving to take place... So you can work through this and heal. Atleast begin to heal.

 

It's final. It's over and he isn't going to reactivate that phone. It's gone, either he cancelled it or his wife threw it out, either way, his silence is telling you something. He's chosen his wife and his marriage and the only way to fix things, make it right at home again is to be in complete NC with you. Sorry if this hurts, but it's something you need to accept.

[Flabbergaster]

Oh I don't know Emme. Perhaps I'm being ridiculous. But every five minutes it's like "I love him" then "I hate him" I'm scared as to which one will win.

Many of us have been there. Oh I know this so well, even though i was the MM.

I was lucky to have two or three real life confidantes. They were in constant contact with me for days. I was reading LS any free moment I had. I know how easy it is to be back and forth. Keep reading, here.

 

It's time to do some steps to make life a bit easier for you. These are steps to help get through the day, this doesn't have to be thought of as 'goodbye forever.' Almost all of us did this step. We are all supporting you in this step, we know you're brave enough.

Put everything that reminds you of him in a box. We're keeping the box, dont' worry. transfer any sms from your phone to your computer, then delete them from the phone. It's ok to keep a backup copy...just move the backup copy off your comptuer. Maybe put it on a usb memory stick, in the box.

Put all the electronic stuff on a USB memory stick in the box, get it off your computer and phone.

Now put the box out of reach, ok? We're gonna leave the box closed for a while. It's still there, you still have those memories. We're just leaving them in a box for a little bit.

Now erase his phone numbers and email address from your phone. Write them on a piece of paper in the box, if you want. That's ok.

Now you're going to forget completely about contact with him for a bit. Don't expect it, dont' initiate it. Just for a few days, to start. We'll figure out how long after a few days.

 

Let's just get past the hurt for a bit, ok? These are steps to just get past the hurt, the pain when you breath. I keep saying 'we' and "let's" because so many of us are here with you. So many of us have had sleepless nights. We know the pain, and we know you can get past it.

The first step...you have to make. You have to do what you can to push his memory away, for just a few days. It doesn't betray love, it doesn't mean you stopped caring. it means you're just trying to have a few days without pain.

[Rooke]

Why do you still care? Didn't we talk about this... What's going on Rooke?

 

you gotta stop obsessing with the phone thing and start accepting the reality of your situation. Hanging on, wishing/hoping is doing NO good except keeping you focussed on him. You need to let go and allow your grieving to take place... So you can work through this and heal. Atleast begin to heal.

 

It's final. It's over and he isn't going to reactivate that phone. It's gone, either he cancelled it or his wife threw it out, either way, his silence is telling you something. He's chosen his wife and his marriage and the only way to fix things, make it right at home again is to be in complete NC with you. Sorry if this hurts, but it's something you need to accept.

 

It does hurt but it is the truth, and I appreciate everyone giving me a slap to snap me out of it, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it because there are no words to describe it, because that's what I need.

It's just a really difficult thing to accept.

I must sound like a pathetic broken record.

[whichwayisup]

It does hurt but it is the truth, and I appreciate everyone giving me a slap to snap me out of it, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it because there are no words to describe it, because that's what I need.

It's just a really difficult thing to accept.

I must sound like a pathetic broken record.

 

You're hurting and having a rough go of it..Understandable.. You just need to focus on other things. Be active doing NC in your mind too. Push thoughts out of your head when you start to wonder about him.. Get busy, call a friend, put on music clean the house, do something - Anything- to change the scenery to keep you distracted. You aren't pathetic so don't say stuff like that!

 

I'm sure it is hard to accept, but you have no choice. The decision has been made and hanging onto hope/wishing things were different is only hurting you.

 

Are you afraid to truly let go and grieve? Make it final? Pain is pain and it's gonna hurt like hell, but the longer you prevent it from happening, the harder and longer it'll take for you to work through the grieving process.

[Rooke]

Many of us have been there. Oh I know this so well, even though i was the MM.

I was lucky to have two or three real life confidantes. They were in constant contact with me for days. I was reading LS any free moment I had. I know how easy it is to be back and forth. Keep reading, here.

 

It's time to do some steps to make life a bit easier for you. These are steps to help get through the day, this doesn't have to be thought of as 'goodbye forever.' Almost all of us did this step. We are all supporting you in this step, we know you're brave enough.

Put everything that reminds you of him in a box. We're keeping the box, dont' worry. transfer any sms from your phone to your computer, then delete them from the phone. It's ok to keep a backup copy...just move the backup copy off your comptuer. Maybe put it on a usb memory stick, in the box.

Put all the electronic stuff on a USB memory stick in the box, get it off your computer and phone.

Now put the box out of reach, ok? We're gonna leave the box closed for a while. It's still there, you still have those memories. We're just leaving them in a box for a little bit.

Now erase his phone numbers and email address from your phone. Write them on a piece of paper in the box, if you want. That's ok.

Now you're going to forget completely about contact with him for a bit. Don't expect it, dont' initiate it. Just for a few days, to start. We'll figure out how long after a few days.

 

Let's just get past the hurt for a bit, ok? These are steps to just get past the hurt, the pain when you breath. I keep saying 'we' and "let's" because so many of us are here with you. So many of us have had sleepless nights. We know the pain, and we know you can get past it.

The first step...you have to make. You have to do what you can to push his memory away, for just a few days. It doesn't betray love, it doesn't mean you stopped caring. it means you're just trying to have a few days without pain.

 

I've already erased all that stuff and I didn't store it anywhere because I know it was all lip service and all lies.

I'm feeling a bit worse for wear tonight, had too much to drink I think

 

I feel like a drug addict, like if I can just get one more fix, one more hit and then I'll move on but I know that's not how it works.

I think I'm scared.

The last time she found out, we were out of touch for 9 months and I never got over him, never stopped thinking about him, never stopped loving him and I am TERRIFIED that in 9 months, I will still feel exactly the same.

I appreciate how much you're supporting me, I really, really, really do not know where I would be without you and without LS, I feel like it's my life support machine.

[fooled once]

Because he doesn't want to.

because to do so means he'd have to face his responsibilities, which is too much like hard work.

 

Why even try to bother contacting him at all.

he's made his feelings and wishes abundantly clear.

 

Take it on the chin, and don't fill your head with him.

he's living in there rent-free, and you don't have to let him do that.

Quit with the angst, and say "phukket".

 

Move on.

 

Rooke

Let's assume that he blocked your number. As a result, the sms won't be delivered. Ok, now we've solved that mystery...so we're not going to let it bother us anymore. If there is anything still trying to resend...I know you are strong enough to delete it from the outbox, right now. Later, we'll talk about whether we still want to send it. For right now...let's just cancel all outgoing for a few days.

Now I'm going to ask you to do something that might be a bit scary. I know you can be strong enough to do this. On the weekend...turn your mobile phone off the whole time. Better yet, leave it behind. This way you won't be thinking "I should check if he called."

Only reason to bring it with you is if it is your connection to LS. If it is, then bring it and leave it off for two hour periods. Only turn it on to check LS and post.

 

you gotta stop obsessing with the phone thing and start accepting the reality of your situation. Hanging on, wishing/hoping is doing NO good except keeping you focussed on him. You need to let go and allow your grieving to take place... So you can work through this and heal. Atleast begin to heal.

 

It's final. It's over and he isn't going to reactivate that phone. It's gone, either he cancelled it or his wife threw it out, either way, his silence is telling you something. He's chosen his wife and his marriage and the only way to fix things, make it right at home again is to be in complete NC with you. Sorry if this hurts, but it's something you need to accept.

 

 

Rooke, the above people said what I would have said.

 

I am sorry you are hurting the way you are and your emotions are all over the place.

 

You really do need to quit obsessing over this phone thing.

 

I hope you can truly begin to heal and put this behind you.

 

Good luck.

[Breezy Trousers]

It's only been 11 days. There are 5 stages to the grieving process and I think "denial" is the first stage. So your feelings are pretty normal. No need to apologize.

 

People who have already "been there, done that" just want to give you tough love so you don't get stuck.

 

Hang in there.

[Rooke]

It's only been 11 days. There are 5 stages to the grieving process and I think "denial" is the first stage. So your feelings are pretty normal. No need to apologize.

 

People who have already "been there, done that" just want to give you tough love so you don't get stuck.

 

Hang in there.

 

I appreciate that. I think I'm just trying to run before I can walk. I need to be patient and just hope a few weeks down the line I still don't feel like this.

I know I have no choice but to accept it. And what was the alternative being second best? I think I'm just in that Rose tinted glasses phase where I think "Oh what we has was so perfect" when actually none of it was perfect and far from it.

[Hazyhead]

If he was in any way decent, he'd tell you straight, but he's doing the classic cowardly cut and run. Please, Rooke, don't chase him. Let him run, the further away from you the better. It's Easter weekend. Fill your time hon, occupy your mind and body with distractions and forget about the messages that he's not getting (which you could end up being thankful for).

 

Let go.

 

Hugs

Hazy

[so-wrong]

I've already erased all that stuff and I didn't store it anywhere because I know it was all lip service and all lies.

I'm feeling a bit worse for wear tonight, had too much to drink I think

 

I feel like a drug addict, like if I can just get one more fix, one more hit and then I'll move on but I know that's not how it works.

I think I'm scared.

The last time she found out, we were out of touch for 9 months and I never got over him, never stopped thinking about him, never stopped loving him and I am TERRIFIED that in 9 months, I will still feel exactly the same.

I appreciate how much you're supporting me, I really, really, really do not know where I would be without you and without LS, I feel like it's my life support machine.

 

Those words "one more fix" resonate so much with me. I also really feel for you that he came back after 9 long months. I can totally understand how that will be messing you up. I know my MM is far from perfect but I adored him & miss him warts & all. When you're in the A, you only see the best side of someone, well post-D day, I've seen the worst but still feel the same. I seriously feel unfinished business with him & am stuck as you are. I really hope we can negotiate our ways through the messes we find ourselves in, as painlessly as possible.

[Rooke]

Those words "one more fix" resonate so much with me. I also really feel for you that he came back after 9 long months. I can totally understand how that will be messing you up. I know my MM is far from perfect but I adored him & miss him warts & all. When you're in the A, you only see the best side of someone, well post-D day, I've seen the worst but still feel the same. I seriously feel unfinished business with him & am stuck as you are. I really hope we can negotiate our ways through the messes we find ourselves in, as painlessly as possible.

 

 

 

Does he want no contact with you?

Do you think he will contact you?

[Owl]

Rooke...STOP asking about his side of things!!!!

 

You need to start working to CHANGE this behavior.

 

I know it's not easy...but in all honesty, it doesn't appear that you're TRYING to change this behavior at all, from your posts and comments.

 

You're still sitting there passively waiting for a change...waiting for that message to go through...waiting and hoping that he'll break his silence and resume contact with you.

 

You're not remembering the pain of what it was like when you were in the affair...you're just focusing on the rosy glow you'll get of resumed contact.

 

CHANGE YOUR MENTAL BEHAVIOR.

 

Stop thinking about him, about what's going on in his world, what he's feeling or not feeling for you/his wife/the affair/the cat.

 

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

 

Take the power back and start making the decision on YOUR part that this is over, and it's time to heal and move on.

 

Stop sitting there passively, stop hoping he'll come back, stop focusing on what you miss...start focusing on what you gain by the end of this whole messed up situation.

[YellowShark]

What everyone else said. And...

 

Here's some tough love for ya Rooke.

 

1) Affairs are fun for the affair partners. Ya wanna know why? Because they are perpetually in the honeymoon phase. There is never any day-to-day grind in affairs, they are romantic fairy tales full of wine and roses. Like the first few months of dating someone new without all the real-life baggage. So most affair partners are like drug addicts and "jones" for the fake facade that the affair really is.

 

2) Affairs are in themselves toxic. You have one, sometimes two people - (the married affair partners) - throwing the people closest to them under a bus for their own gratification. I could never be with someone who can be that cruel to the people closest to them. I makes me doubt their character and basically not trust anything they say. I mean if they are willing to throw the people closest to them under a bus then they are capable of anything - (like dumping you cold without a decent explanation and disappearing.. as in your case.)

 

3) You yearn for who you *think* he is, not who he really is. The man he really is can throw his wife under a bus and cheat with you. The man he really is then dumps you without so much as a good bye and runs away. This "man" is not a quality guy, he is not a man but a selfish boy who is using two women to fill holes in his ego.. one at home, and another - (you) - for no-strings sex. Wow. Sounds like quite a catch!

 

4) Walk away. Take this chapter in your life as a lesson that people who cheat are unhealthy and make poor emotional partners when it comes down to it. I mean really, let's say you two hook up... what's to stop this very same guy from getting tired of you one day and then cheating on you as well? I'd say the probability that this man you pine for will cheat on you eventually is very high. (He's already proven he is capable of infidelity.. with you!)

 

Anyhow, do what you must. All I can say is you're learning the hard way the real character of this man, judge him by his actions, not his hollow words or promises.

 

Good luck.

Edited April 22, 2011 by YellowShark
spelling