lolo1234 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 (edited) Some history. Me and my ex bf have been broken up for 2.5 months. We were together for 8 months. Our relationship was intense, passionate, full of ups and downs. It was like 2 people that were highly compatible getting together during a period where we were both going through alot. I was highly emotional during our relationship. I was recently separated and dealing with alot of change. I was very critical of him. I nitpicked and questioned him often. I had my self esteem issues and I looked to him to build me up and when he didn't I would lash out. He pulled away and eventually we broke up. I broke it off with him but I tried to go back on it the next day and he wouldn't budge. Anyhow, I am finally coming to see my part in the whole breakup. The way that I was, wasn't right. I have to work on myself otherwise I will do the same thing again to the next guy. I talked to him yesterday (yes I broke NC). I texted him if we could chat quickly and he called me right away. We reminisced about the relationship. We talked about how intense it was. He said that there were many highs and lows. Again he had to spend some time going over what about me drove him crazy (in a bad way) and what he loved about me. He said that I was the smartest girl I'd ever been with that no one made him laugh like I did and that I was the female version of him. He told me he is seeing someone new. (BTW I had mentally prepared to hear this so it wasn't a shock). That there relationship is not exciting but that its relaxed. He said that she is very jealous and he hasn't been honest with her about his relationship with me. The call was bittersweet and again I felt a connection there between us. It started to feel like when we first started talking on the phone, the attraction was palpable. I started to think we probably shouldnt be doing this... after all he has a gf. I started to wrap up the convo but he asked for us to keep on talking. . . He mentioned that he thinks about me alot. That he recently read the notes I had given to him. That he thinks of me whenever he uses his xmas gifts. I dunno I got the sense that he's not completely over me but he is definitely doing his best to get over me! Towards the end of our conversation he seemed to get kinda down talking to me about his ex wife and how she refuses to let him go. I imagine his lazy behind is still stalling with the divorce. So before we hung up I said "ok well good luck with the divorce, Illeana (his soon to be ex wife), and your new girlfriend" and his response was "Hearing you say that makes me realize that my life is a mess." and I said why? and he said "because I have Illeana to deal with, a divorce, a girlfriend and now here I am talking to you." This is how I'm feeling. I don't totally regret talking to him. I'm oddly glad to know he is with someone. I was happy to feel that he isn't totally over me. It was very evident in our convo. BUT because I know he's not totally over me, I wonder about the possibilities of another chance. Ive been thinking more about how I screwed up, I never owned up to my mistakes with him. I always had an excuse or would defend my bad behavior. I've thought about sending him a note where I admit where I went wrong. I won't say I want him back or anything just own up to how I screwed up so that he knows that I know. Then go completely NC and let his relationship either fail or thrive with his ex gf. move on with my life and.... who knows. What do you guys think? Should I jsut leave things alone? Let him know I see how I screwed up? Edited April 21, 2011 by lolo1234 addition
Author lolo1234 Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Okay let me get this straight: You basically trashed your ex and then broke up with him and didn't want you back, now he's in a rebound relationship with someone new and you guys are having an emotional affair? Both of you need to stop talking to each other and maintain NC. Yeah sounds about right. lol Except I wouldn't say we're having an emotional affair. One conversation barely constitutes an emotional affair.
Author lolo1234 Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 We didn't talk about getting back together. In fact we talked more about why things didn't work out. But you're right. I guess if we continue these conversations I would definitely see that it would be an emotional affair. We talked for an hour on the phone. What can I say? Its said and done. Can't go back on it now.
trippi1432 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 It's not an emotional affair...it is looking for closure or maybe even testing the waters because you realize that despite all the challenges you were both under, there was something very special there. Obviously, you both do. The hard part, and what does happen, is that you found out that he moved on. I hate to say it, but men do tend to move on faster than women, but they don't heal their hearts before they do....it leads to much confusion of what they truly want. I would say in this case, he needs time to work things out in his mind...you don't want to be the third wheel. The two of you had something special...if it is meant to be anything more, he will find you.
Author lolo1234 Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 It's not an emotional affair...it is looking for closure or maybe even testing the waters because you realize that despite all the challenges you were both under, there was something very special there. Obviously, you both do. The hard part, and what does happen, is that you found out that he moved on. I hate to say it, but men do tend to move on faster than women, but they don't heal their hearts before they do....it leads to much confusion of what they truly want. I would say in this case, he needs time to work things out in his mind...you don't want to be the third wheel. The two of you had something special...if it is meant to be anything more, he will find you. Yes I think you have a good grasp of the situation. He did sound confused. I feel almost bad for this girl he's seeing. And you're right, I'm not going to be the 3rd wheel. Screw that. I know I can't wait around for him to "see the light". Our conversation really helped me to drop the anger I was carrying around for him. At least that's good right? It helped me to be a bit more empathetic for him as a human being. I really do think we both did the best we could at that point in time.
trippi1432 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 This is where you get that closure, be kind to yourself and remember the relationship for the good things that it brought to you...for the best parts that were special for both of you. The anger is gone and that is good, especially given what challenges you were both going through....have compassion for him, but have it for you too....I would leave the situation with the good conversation you had and let him work on the situation with the gf and stbxw. When he has healed, he may be in touch, but, until that happens, work on you and what you want out of life...be kind to yourself, you did nothing wrong in contacting him.
noleaf Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 wow, world is yours...are you going through a difficult time at the moment? lolo - for what its worth, i think that what trippi said is right, and you seem to already be thinking that anyway. Just try and move on - you've said what you wanted to and just see what happens. Hope things work out the way you want x x x
Kelemort Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Don't talk to him anymore, and shame on him for pining over you and talking so much about how much he thinks of you, how he's reminded of you, etc., while he has a new girlfriend. I've been on the receiving end of that crap before and it's excruciatingly painful to deal with it. You are in his past and that is where you should stay. Stop contacting him. Don't talk about your feelings with him. If he wants to talk to you again and entertain the 'passionate' love affair you had in the future, he needs to do it when he's single and he shouldn't be running with a leap to talk to his ex-girlfriend when he's dating somebody else. I'm assuming it's an actual relationship with this girl and not just 'going out on dates.' The only person I feel sorry for in this equation is this new girl, as she really deserves better than a guy who's still so mired in his past. He moved on before he was ready. You've only been broken up for 2 months. Maintain no contact. You will eventually start recovering from this and you will get out of this 'rush' - you will find a stable love connection, hopefully.
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