sasha-bunny Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 First-Time poster but have been lurking for sometime and sorry this post will be long. Back-ground... First time around I was 17 he 21 were together 3.5 years including living together ended up in a long distance relationship for the last year and eventually grew apart. 2 yrs later reconnected but I had just ended a relationship and he went overseas for 10 months remained close friends and upon his return I was involved with someone. He ended up visiting and there was a proposal and I turned him down. Limited contact remained and 3 yrs later we connected for one incredible night (he was involved with current partner). In Novemeber we started chatting more regulary although at that point we were both involved with others. In January I ended my 7 yr relationship with my partner (not because of him) due to other issues. In the past couple of months communication went from the general conversation every couple days to almost daily at times very personal feelings are shared and there has been full blown sexting alot of it. I even went to see him but nothing more than hugs was shared. That brings me to where I sit today he went away this past weekend with friends and her. He said that there would be no communication which I said was fine and he ended up messaging me everynight like clockwork. Well during one of our more graphic conversations he passed out due to over drinking and she ended up finding our chat with pics. I did not find this out until yesterday morning when he asked me to call. Our conversation was so confusing, He said that it has been hell for the last couple of days and that his kids are his life they have alot to work out...ok thought I was getting the we cant talk anymore. Wrong instead he said that he told her that we will still communicate albiet no sexual chats, that he is leaving the ball in my court whether or not we talk weekly or monthly was completely up to me. I of course was devestated because at some point during the past months my heart took over all logic was gone. I spent hours crying and going back and forth but finally wrote a dear John letter expressing all feelings and why we can't communicate anymore for both his relationship to have a chance and for me to let go. I called to tell him I sent the email and he was upset that I couldn't just tell it verbally as communication has never been our issue and he wouldn't get a chance to read it till today. I ended up calling last night and had decided I would read it to him so that he didn't have to wait. He said that if I was saying good-bye he didn't want me to read it or even read it himself. I said I did not want more regrets and that I had to say these things to him. He listened without interuption as I confessed everything that had gone unsaid my true feelings and why we couldn't stay friends or stay in commnicate but that if his situation changed he would come and find me. There was dead silence I actually thought he hung up on me and then I said I am saying goodbye now, long pause and I got a yep. A couple hours later I received a text night (hug). I can't seem to delete him just yet however I know I have to. Wow this is going to be hard. And how do I say strong when I know that eventually I will hear from him?? Thanks to those that respond and I am sorry it was sooo long. I know what I did was wrong and I guess I am reaping what I sow. [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
Rooke Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 First-Time poster but have been lurking for sometime and sorry this post will be long. Back-ground... First time around I was 17 he 21 were together 3.5 years including living together ended up in a long distance relationship for the last year and eventually grew apart. 2 yrs later reconnected but I had just ended a relationship and he went overseas for 10 months remained close friends and upon his return I was involved with someone. He ended up visiting and there was a proposal and I turned him down. Limited contact remained and 3 yrs later we connected for one incredible night (he was involved with current partner). In Novemeber we started chatting more regulary although at that point we were both involved with others. In January I ended my 7 yr relationship with my partner (not because of him) due to other issues. In the past couple of months communication went from the general conversation every couple days to almost daily at times very personal feelings are shared and there has been full blown sexting alot of it. I even went to see him but nothing more than hugs was shared. That brings me to where I sit today he went away this past weekend with friends and her. He said that there would be no communication which I said was fine and he ended up messaging me everynight like clockwork. Well during one of our more graphic conversations he passed out due to over drinking and she ended up finding our chat with pics. I did not find this out until yesterday morning when he asked me to call. Our conversation was so confusing, He said that it has been hell for the last couple of days and that his kids are his life they have alot to work out...ok thought I was getting the we cant talk anymore. Wrong instead he said that he told her that we will still communicate albiet no sexual chats, that he is leaving the ball in my court whether or not we talk weekly or monthly was completely up to me. I of course was devestated because at some point during the past months my heart took over all logic was gone. I spent hours crying and going back and forth but finally wrote a dear John letter expressing all feelings and why we can't communicate anymore for both his relationship to have a chance and for me to let go. I called to tell him I sent the email and he was upset that I couldn't just tell it verbally as communication has never been our issue and he wouldn't get a chance to read it till today. I ended up calling last night and had decided I would read it to him so that he didn't have to wait. He said that if I was saying good-bye he didn't want me to read it or even read it himself. I said I did not want more regrets and that I had to say these things to him. He listened without interuption as I confessed everything that had gone unsaid my true feelings and why we couldn't stay friends or stay in commnicate but that if his situation changed he would come and find me. There was dead silence I actually thought he hung up on me and then I said I am saying goodbye now, long pause and I got a yep. A couple hours later I received a text night (hug). I can't seem to delete him just yet however I know I have to. Wow this is going to be hard. And how do I say strong when I know that eventually I will hear from him?? Thanks to those that respond and I am sorry it was sooo long. I know what I did was wrong and I guess I am reaping what I sow. [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] He's not going to let you go easily because everything is the way he wants it. If you were that serious about saying goodbye, you wouldn't be worried about staying strong. I know exactly how you feel and I think you either have to get serious or let it ride and get hurt.
Author sasha-bunny Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 My head is saying serious but unfortunately it is to fresh for my heart to catch up. I keep replaying the events and conversations of yesterday in my head. There is no way that she would/could be fine with us remaining friends as quite clearly we have developed more. One minute, one hour and one day at a time.
Rooke Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 My head is saying serious but unfortunately it is to fresh for my heart to catch up. I keep replaying the events and conversations of yesterday in my head. There is no way that she would/could be fine with us remaining friends as quite clearly we have developed more. One minute, one hour and one day at a time. I know exactly how you feel. However I think that goes to show that he's lying to you. It may be a lie you want to hear but yet it is still a lie. I speak from experience when I say that he's not going to be the one to let you go when he has everything the way he wants it. So you have to be the one to let go. It's really ugly to be the other woman. I really don't want to see you get hurt, so please stay strong and the best advice I can give you is please don't settle for being second best.
fooled once Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 First-Time poster but have been lurking for sometime and sorry this post will be long. Back-ground... First time around I was 17 he 21 were together 3.5 years including living together ended up in a long distance relationship for the last year and eventually grew apart. 2 yrs later reconnected but I had just ended a relationship and he went overseas for 10 months remained close friends and upon his return I was involved with someone. He ended up visiting and there was a proposal and I turned him down. Limited contact remained and 3 yrs later we connected for one incredible night (he was involved with current partner). In Novemeber we started chatting more regulary although at that point we were both involved with others. In January I ended my 7 yr relationship with my partner (not because of him) due to other issues. In the past couple of months communication went from the general conversation every couple days to almost daily at times very personal feelings are shared and there has been full blown sexting alot of it. I even went to see him but nothing more than hugs was shared. That brings me to where I sit today he went away this past weekend with friends and her. He said that there would be no communication which I said was fine and he ended up messaging me everynight like clockwork. Well during one of our more graphic conversations he passed out due to over drinking and she ended up finding our chat with pics. I did not find this out until yesterday morning when he asked me to call. Our conversation was so confusing, He said that it has been hell for the last couple of days and that his kids are his life they have alot to work out...ok thought I was getting the we cant talk anymore. Wrong instead he said that he told her that we will still communicate albiet no sexual chats, that he is leaving the ball in my court whether or not we talk weekly or monthly was completely up to me. I of course was devestated because at some point during the past months my heart took over all logic was gone. I spent hours crying and going back and forth but finally wrote a dear John letter expressing all feelings and why we can't communicate anymore for both his relationship to have a chance and for me to let go. I called to tell him I sent the email and he was upset that I couldn't just tell it verbally as communication has never been our issue and he wouldn't get a chance to read it till today. I ended up calling last night and had decided I would read it to him so that he didn't have to wait. He said that if I was saying good-bye he didn't want me to read it or even read it himself. I said I did not want more regrets and that I had to say these things to him. He listened without interuption as I confessed everything that had gone unsaid my true feelings and why we couldn't stay friends or stay in commnicate but that if his situation changed he would come and find me. There was dead silence I actually thought he hung up on me and then I said I am saying goodbye now, long pause and I got a yep. A couple hours later I received a text night (hug). I can't seem to delete him just yet however I know I have to. Wow this is going to be hard. And how do I say strong when I know that eventually I will hear from him?? Thanks to those that respond and I am sorry it was sooo long. I know what I did was wrong and I guess I am reaping what I sow. [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] He's not going to let you go easily because everything is the way he wants it. If you were that serious about saying goodbye, you wouldn't be worried about staying strong. I know exactly how you feel and I think you either have to get serious or let it ride and get hurt. Rooke gave you some really good advice. She is a similar situation; albeit she is a little further along. I think the best thing you can do for YOU is to walk away; no more talking/texting, etc. I find it very hard to believe he told his wife/partner he wasn't going to stop talking to you. I call bullsh*t on that. He just wants to lay it at your feet and blame you when she kicks him out. He will blame you for him not being with his kids, blah blah. I know it is hard and it is going to hurt; but in the long run, you are better off ending it NOW than waiting and continuing to be his mistress. If he truly cared about you, he wouldn't put you in that position NOR would he continue to stay married and keep you on the side. Grieve the relationship. Each day that goes by, you will get stronger and stronger Good luck to you.
Author sasha-bunny Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Thank you for the advise I hope that I take it, I know I deserve better than being second. That's what my head says. I still havn't deleted him but I haven't contacted him either so thats good. I guess in a way I am still holding onto a hope that once the information I layed on the line is processed he might make a different choice... I will give it a week then delete but I will not contact him. I would have never been the type to be a mistress and if it was anyone but the one that got away I would have stayed clear. I have always been a very logical and by the book person. Always thinking of how everyone else feels and often neglecting my own needs or desires. It's gonna be a long weekend!
sion1981 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 I will be watching this thread with interest. I have tried and tried repeatedly to give someone up only to have it fall through repeatedly when she would text me again, and I would miss her. She even told me that I had to delete her out of my life literally if it was ever gonna work. I have been unable to do so. The one I hold onto is married, her husband does not know about us. I wish you good luck with this situation, and I'm hoping I can have some results to look back on someday.
2sunny Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 seems if it was supposed to work out it would have years ago. stop texting him. stop tempting him. his behavior shows he's not an honorable man... why would you even want that for yourself? focus your energy on healing yourself... work on your self esteem... get some boundaries and good balance.
Author sasha-bunny Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 I just re-read my first post and wanted to add a couple details.... we have been in each others lives for 18 years now and I was his first. Niether of us have ever married, I know why I never did (him) however I didn't have the courage to ask him why he hadn't. There has always been an unspoken bond. The events of yesterday's dday conversation still have me realing a bit and I could sense from him the desperation of wanting me to express my heart. In my dear john letter I didn't hold back and I am sure it was very shocking hense the long pause before he said yep. That is why I will wait the week before deleting him it will take time for him to process. He may not contact me as I have asked him not to..... I know that I will still not contact him.
Author sasha-bunny Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 2sunny, Youth had alot to do with why this did not work out years ago. I have not texted/tempted him. In fact it was me that said no to continued contact even as friends against his wishes. I do think he is an honorable man as he could have disappeard without an explaination. As for self-esteem if I didn't have that I wouldn't have ended my loveless relationship and stayed miserable living a lie for my child to see. Yes affairs are wrong and bring unwarrented hurt but in my case that was a risk I was willing to take for a chance to be with the one that has my heart.
2sunny Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 i stand by my suggestions even with consideration of all your explanations that don't change a thing. IF it was meant to work = it would have somewhere along the line in the past 18 years. move forward. letting go of what doesn't work is a good place to start. no need to wait a week longer- you've already wasted 18 years in dreamy land for nothing substantial coming from it all. you have gifted him 18 years of your life... by waiting - stop waiting and move forward now. i let go after 23 years... so i know it's hard, but possible... but we can't find happiness moving forward while we are constantly looking back over our should at the past. the past is gone ---> move on to the next chapter. stop ALLOWING him to control your future.
Author sasha-bunny Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Well today is a new day, I only woke up 3 times through-out the night as it has been a habit for our chats to take place during this time. I did check my phone, sad I know. I'm going to try and keep busy today so that I dont break and contact him.
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