Author Popondetta Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 I've come to believe that commitment phobia is not a condition, not like what you'd find in the DSM. It's instead a pattern that has a root cause, usually a personality disorder and is related to problems with intimacy. I'd definitely agree with you on that! But whether it's a pattern or condition they still mess up their own lives and ours. I also belive it has a root cause like you say, and in some books they relate it to childhood traumas (like my boyfriend who grew up in a house where his parents argued all the time and probably didn't realize how much that CAN affect a child. So he hasn't had a good rolemodel as a child and that could possibly lead to problems with intimacy and emotions.), or the cause could be that they have been dumped and hurt before by someone they love. (I don't know what DSM stands for by the way.? Sorry I'm danish )
GreenPolicy Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I'd definitely agree with you on that! But whether it's a pattern or condition they still mess up their own lives and ours. I also belive it has a root cause like you say, and in some books they relate it to childhood traumas (like my boyfriend who grew up in a house where his parents argued all the time and probably didn't realize how much that CAN affect a child. So he hasn't had a good rolemodel as a child and that could possibly lead to problems with intimacy and emotions.), or the cause could be that they have been dumped and hurt before by someone they love. (I don't know what DSM stands for by the way.? Sorry I'm danish ) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diagnostic_and_Statistical_Manual_of_Mental_Disorders I think it was mentioned in the other thread, but people with true commitment/intimacy issues, as opposed to people in their early twenties not ready to settle down, or people that are not over their exes and jump into rebound relationships, the true commitment-phobes usually have some sort of unresolved foundational issues, or a Cluster B condition like BPD or NPD, or they're bipolar, etc.
Author Popondetta Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 @greenpolicy: Thanks for the info Seems like there's often some unresolved issues in a CP's life when I read about it. (I think my ex has had some mild depressions but has never been diagnosed, he's also had panic attacs related to smoking marihuana) I think there are degrees of CP/CI as well. For instance; IF my boyfriend has it (how do you really know for sure?), he can't have the most serious degree since he managed to be in a relationship with me for two years. Some people with VERY serious issues can't even date somebody before they get anxiety.
GreenPolicy Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 @greenpolicy: Thanks for the info Seems like there's often some unresolved issues in a CP's life when I read about it. (I think my ex has had some mild depressions but has never been diagnosed, he's also had panic attacs related to smoking marihuana) I think there are degrees of CP/CI as well. For instance; IF my boyfriend has it (how do you really know for sure?), he can't have the most serious degree since he managed to be in a relationship with me for two years. Some people with VERY serious issues can't even date somebody before they get anxiety. Going forward you just have to be aware of red flags of these kinds so you run before falling in love. I spent too much time obsessing and armchair analyzing my ex. I understand the need to want to comprehend the breakup, but you can only analyze and understand up to a point. The truth is that you can never wrap your head completely around the actions of emotionally unhealthy people. You're confused because you evaluate their behavior by your own standards and integrity. Damaged people like our exes cannot be analyzed and understood, at least the way we would like. I think we are ultimately searching for a rational and logical reason for the breakup, and there really isn't one.
Author Popondetta Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 Going forward you just have to be aware of red flags of these kinds so you run before falling in love. I spent too much time obsessing and armchair analyzing my ex. I understand the need to want to comprehend the breakup, but you can only analyze and understand up to a point. The truth is that you can never wrap your head completely around the actions of emotionally unhealthy people. You're confused because you evaluate their behavior by your own standards and integrity. Damaged people like our exes cannot be analyzed and understood, at least the way we would like. I think we are ultimately searching for a rational and logical reason for the breakup, and there really isn't one. I should print this out and stick it on my wall... THANKS!- I think you are so right with everything you write here. We want to analyze and understand but these people and their actions are not possible to understand from our viewpoint because we have another way of feeling and behaving. I guess I should accept the fact that I'll never really understand, and stop torturing myself with the why's and what if's.
GreenPolicy Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I should print this out and stick it on my wall... THANKS!- I think you are so right with everything you write here. We want to analyze and understand but these people and their actions are not possible to understand from our viewpoint because we have another way of feeling and behaving. I guess I should accept the fact that I'll never really understand, and stop torturing myself with the why's and what if's. You'll save yourself a lot of time and free up emotional energy towards healing. I've done a lot of things right in my healing, but I spent WAY too much time trying to analyze my ex.
Author Popondetta Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 You'll save yourself a lot of time and free up emotional energy towards healing. I've done a lot of things right in my healing, but I spent WAY too much time trying to analyze my ex. I think that's what I do too! (Maybe not making things better by searching this forum for information = focusing on HIS issues instead of MY healing). Well, I think our brains just function like that. It need to learn and understand becaus it wants to avoid getting so hurt again. I just can't stop myself from hoping that he'll regret this and come back Staying in NC for as long as I can though
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