Eternal Sunshine Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 This is something that kind of bothers me with my boyfriend of almost 2 months. He likes to leave planning until the last day and I would rather know what we are doing and when in advance. For example, when we parted on Sunday, I said "let's do something on Weds night". He was enthusiastic and suggested dinner at place X. We went and it was good but by the end of it he made no mention of when we will see each other next. So at the end I said "let's do a dancing class on Fri night". He was all like YEAH! so that's what we are doing. Today we were texting back and forth and he said how he is going to be on Easter break for the next 5 days (without asking me to do anything). I was like "me too! we should plan something nice". He then said "what about a winery tour?" I was all for it and even sent him some links. I offered which days I am free. He completely didn't respond to that, but then sent me a text couple of hours later "Good night baby, can't wait to see you tomorrow" (this is for the dancing class). I was kind of annoyed and asked "Will you be free for sure to do the winery tour?" and he responded with "I am as freeeeee as the wind". Now I am getting sick of asking. Other than that, he initiates most of contact. Texts good morning/night first. Texts random thinking about you and miss you. It's just that when it comes to the actual planning of day or time of dates, he never says anything. He is very enthusiastic when I suggest a day and chimes in with the activity and then takes the rains. He is also very attentive and affectionate when we are together. It's just that he almost never ASKS to see me. The only exception is when he invites me to group outings with his friends. We end up seeing each other 3x a week on average - but still this slightly bothers me....Should I test him the next time and absolutely force myself not to mention seeing each other next? See what he does then? I don't want to play games but it's just annoying.
jerbear Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I think you two have a balanced relationship. He initiates good morning and hi's, while you make date plans. It seems like you two found a good medium. You take care of date plans and he keeps contacts. Instead of playing games by not saying anything; why not ask him what his thoughts for Friday or Wednesday night.
Star Gazer Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 In a REAL relationship, there's a PRESUMPTION that you will see each other again...soon. There's no need to have every time you (general "you") see each other be a pre-planned date-like activity, and you especially don't have to plan the time AFTER the next time you'll see them. It just...flows. Let it be. He's comfortable, and likely trying to fall into a natural groove. If you keep this up, you'll run out of steam.
Survivor12 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 If you don't want to be the one constantly setting up the dates, then stop doing it. One of two things will happen: a) he will suggest the next date or b) he will ask you when &/or what you want to do. If it's "b", then tell him that you'd like him to choose once in a while. As far as the fact that you would "rather know what we are doing and when in advance", I'm assuming that he isn't a mind reader. And, if he happens to prefer spontaneity then both of you need to be willing to compromise. Bottom line...talk to HIM.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Yeah, I think it's my control/anxiety thing rearing its ugly head
Timmeh Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Yeah, I think it's my control/anxiety thing rearing its ugly head Boy do I understand the anxiety thing. It's terrible, even mundane issues can be blown out of proportion, and taken out of context.
zengirl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 It sounds like he's suggesting things. He suggested you spend time together over Easter break. He calls and texts frequently. You are just jumping in before he gets around to certain things, or suggesting the particular activity. But he just suggested the restaurant, so he chips in there, too. What's the worry? You know, I am a planner, and I find that in many of my relationships I made a lot of the specific plans. (This is just in general with friends, too; I am just the girl you know who always knows of something fun going on around town and knows every new place, is friends with all the small business owners of good restaraunts/bars/fun places, and supports the local business community (small, funky places and the arts) so has a lot of stuff to do.) I guess it never bothers me anymore. It used to, when I was younger, as I felt like the man "should" do this stuff. But why? As long as both people are engaged with the planning, jump at the chance to see each other, and are communicating well, what does it matter? That's all just calculation. And calculation never helped a relationship. This is the time when you start to spin yourself dizzy with these relationships, ES, so I suggest taking a chill pill and feeling better in the morning. Don't create problems.
veggirl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I thought you guys had pre-planned nights you hang out? Am I thinking of someone else? Anyway, I agree with SG, he is just assuming you'll see each other soon since you are his gf.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 I thought you guys had pre-planned nights you hang out? Am I thinking of someone else? Anyway, I agree with SG, he is just assuming you'll see each other soon since you are his gf. We did, but that only went for 2 weeks...didn't really work for either of us. As an update he texted me this morning to say that he likes one of the links I sent him for the winery tour and asked me if I am OK with him booking it for Easter Monday (the best weather out of other available days) - his treat - it's like few hundred $$$ So I need to chill. I also have 3 social engagements that I was invited to and want to attend in the next 2 weeks: a wedding, a costume party and a house warming party. I ran it by him last week and he agreed in abstract to attend all 3. I will need to send him the dates/times soon. As of today, we are in week 8 of solid dating. This is the longest for me in the past few years.
threebyfate Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 ES, do you remember when he told you to back off from making dinner arrangements? Sounds like he's fully prepared to do his share, if you will let him. Relax. Every date doesn't have to be preplanned into an exciting activity.
Star Gazer Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 As an update he texted me this morning to say that he likes one of the links I sent him for the winery tour and asked me if I am OK with him booking it for Easter Monday (the best weather out of other available days) - his treat - it's like few hundred $$$ So I need to chill. That's a pretty pricey winery tour! Even Napa is nowhere near that expensive, unless you have a private limo. When you suggested the winery tour as a date, did you intend to pay for it??
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 That's a pretty pricey winery tour! Even Napa is nowhere near that expensive, unless you have a private limo. When you suggested the winery tour as a date, did you intend to pay for it?? He suggested the winery tour - I just said we should do something nice over Easter. It's $200 per person...that's a pretty standard price here. Yeah, I was always willing to pay my share.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Cool, he has just sent me through departure details for the tour. The one thing that got me thinking is that we have only really spent 2 evenings at home without doing any other activity... All the other dates have been dinners out, cocktail bars, movies, amusement park, zoo, gallery, opera, dancing classes, group things etc... With other guys, we were doing home dates only by week 3.... I just want my bf to know that it's OK to just stay at home and not spend any money....
Leigh 87 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Think rationally. He likes you; he texts u morning AND night, without uinitiating it or alluding that u prefer him to make this amount of contact. He obviously does it because he likes u and is thinking about you. Leave it. Seriously. U are sabotaging a perfectly normal, happy relationship. While I understand the need to talk about it, perhaps you should try starting a blog instead? You should not be inssecantly analyzing every so many aspects of the relasionship; the nights spent at home, and previously, him initiating things. It IS perfectly NORMAL to question such actions when you are in your first relationship for a while, however; I sense that you actually sabotage normal interactions, by thinking about things far too much. You have a guy who texts you a lot, and YES he WOULD contact U to make arrangments if u STOPPED doing it; he likes you! You are his g/f!!! Of COURSE if you totally stopped arranging to meet him, he would ASK to see you! Lol! Sorry, but again, look at this rationally; he likes you, so if you stopped asking to see him, it is NOT rational for him to then just never see you again.. OBVIOUSLY he WOULD ask to see you eventually, lol! I have seen a few of your posts, and it seams like your own issues hinder your ability to find and sustain a good relationship, with a guy you like enough. I want to congratulate u for finding this guy! Honestly, you have done well for yourself by the sounds of things! Please, just try not to mess it up bu over thinkinking things! Like you, I have also started seeing a guy. Although we are more casual and want to wait until our feelings are very strong, before we call each other boyfriend and girlfriend and etc.....It is our style. Like you, I have a majoy tendency to self sabotage; I am not sure how badly you do this to yourself, but I do it big time. So far, I have analyzed and questioned my relationship with this guy a lot. Trust me, it only brings unnecessary pain. You are obviously an intelligent women, who needs a relatively sensative guy who shows you a fair amnount of attention and affection; try to work hard on just enjoying this guys company, and try to counter your thoughts when you analyze and question his motives and actions. Enjoy things as they happen. Do not think of things unless they are very obviously dubious in nature, such as him cheating on you. I wish you the best of luck in this fledging relationship, I hope both of us can stop our habitual over alalysis of a perfectly lovely situation with our new guys!
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Thanks Leigh. You are right, I over-analyze and try to find red flags when there aren't any. I also tend to get the urge to sabotage. I am happy with how I have handled things with this guy so far - haven't been too crazy or emotional. He is such a rare find. I don't think I have ever met anyone who treated me so well in my life. We haven't had an argument yet (which is also rare for me). I got extremely anxious at 4-5 week mark because that's when guys usually dump me but it seems like we are sailing through. I can really see the future with him.
yah Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Today we were texting back and forth and he said how he is going to be on Easter break for the next 5 days (without asking me to do anything). I was like "me too! we should plan something nice". He then said "what about a winery tour?" I was all for it and even sent him some links. What I get from the above is that you wanted to plan it. If you sent him the links, that tells me you wanted to make the plans. I've learned (the hard way) that you can't expect men to be mind readers. If you wanted him to plan it, tell him that is what you want.
Leigh 87 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 I am glad you understood my advice! Just try to force yourself to become engrossed in your own life more - not that I doubt you already are! What I mean, is: try to replace your thoughts regarding his actions, with your daily life. Whenever you get a counter - productive thought about him, simply force yourself to think about something else in your own life, or immerse yourself in an activity, even boring crap like cleaning the house or kitchen. I think both of us need to find ways to actively combat our useless self talk that undermines a perfectly normal relationship with our guys; I have a lot of work to do myself in this sense:P Again, I really am happy for you, it sounds like this was a long time comming, after some traumatic or un - fulfilling experiences with men.
Hules Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Looking forward to nexts weeks thread. He made me scrambled eggs instead of the usual sunny side up, is he about to dump me? Seriously worrying about nothing here. Stop trying to sabotage your own relationships, just enjoy it.
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