drew45 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Ok so I really need someone to explain to me why am I being such an *******. Ok some background information. I flew over to Europe from Australia and began travelling throughout Europe. I arrived at Hungary over 7 months ago and met the girl who is now my girlfriend. We had a week of fun it wasnt anything serious at the time and then i continued my journies. After keeping in contact around 3 months ago we started a relationship and now I am living with her. So this is where the problem lies. I cant get over her past at all she was with another few guys in the time that I was still travelling and I was also with a few more girls. But now the more we are together the more I am starting to think about her past and it gets so bad that I try and stalk her(whether it be messages on her phone or facebook, anywhere I can find). I have found out dumb things that were even before we met and I bring them up and ask the most stupid questions which results in me getting angry and upset and then making her cry about it and threatening to leave her. I think about some of the past guys she has been with quite a bit and I think I am extremely insecure. This is my first proper relationship with a girl. My last before this was 1 that was 3 weeks and before that was 1 night stands. Can someone please tell me how to stop being a complete dickhead before I destroy everything good I have with this girl? I try so hard to block out everything but it just builds up after time, maybe 1 or 2 weeks and then i relapse and have a breakdown and ask stupid questions... or maybe turn something that meant nothing into something bad and holding it against her. Or I will look through her messages and find something before we ever even met and hold it against her..... For example, I found a message she sent to a guy of her past talking about if her mum had found the condom, and that she was upset that he had left before they got to have morning sex again.... This message was from 2 weeks before we EVEN MET, but for some reason I hold it against her as if she was just messaging the guy yesterday.... I have told her to password her phone, which she has.... and to hide stuff that i might try and stalk while I try to fix my problem. Any advice on how I can stop myself ruining this great thing we have going.. PLEASE help me
Nubcakes Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Well, since it sounds like you've already come forward to her with your problem, I think you're on the right path. I have a crazy EX who is still stalking me after almost four years of being separated. I can't get him to leave me alone. But, enough about me. You're the topic of this thread So, I seriously think there isn't any one piece of advice that anyone can give you that will work. In my opinion, your best chance is to nip it in the bud and realize that you are behaving in a way that you and only you can prevent. Just stop doing it. I think if you realize that she has nothing to hide from you, and take that fact to heart, it'll sink in that you don't need to worry. The only way these feelings are going to stop for you, is if you stop behaving as you are.
Author drew45 Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 thanks for your comment, I guess I will just keep trying to do what im doing and just block it out... I just wish there was a quick fix where someone could wipe that part of my memory out and that I could just be happy all the time.
NeverendingJourney Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 it seems to me that you have some insecurities you really need to work through or you will destroy this relationship. I would honestly suggest you go talk to a therapist. If you can't afford one, at least go to the library and read some books on self-esteem. Another really good one is the High Conflict Couple... don't let the name turn you off. The early chapters are about relationships and negative thinking patterns. It sounds like you have negative patterns going around in your head that are creating this need to be suspicious. You need to address those with some real deep look into yourself to address it. Will power isn't enough... you need to get to the root of WHY you feel so jealous (insecure). Good luck.
Flgirl44 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 It's insecurities over you not being the partner you would want in someone else. It's a control issue. I don't know how to figure it out other than to learn to empathize and have more compassion for those around you and seeing them as just as fallible as you are. Humble yourself or you will drive her away.
oldguy Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 (edited) It's insecurities over you not being the partner you would want in someone else. It's a control issue. I don't know how to figure it out other than to learn to empathize and have more compassion for those around you and seeing them as just as fallible as you are. Humble yourself or you will drive her away. RJ, (retroactive Jealousy) is almost always an insecurity issue that you have most likely had before, but not necessarily with all GF's. "mostly likely a past event or circumstance". Ummm; you could have been bullied as a child by someone that reminds you of someone she dated. That is just an example of how obscure it can be. Be honest, get help, it'll make your life with this girl or any other relationships better. I quoted the above because two responders of the first 3 said the same thing that I agree with; your insecurity is the issue. The issue is yours, not hers, don't make her a part of it. Edited April 21, 2011 by oldguy
Author drew45 Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 thanks for the responses guys.... I think its a bit jealousy issue... thanks a lot oldguy i have been reading up on that(retroactive jealousy) and it has helped me a lot.
Recommended Posts