Moonshine71 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Wow. How does one start these. I'll try to keep things as simple as I can. So I have had a lifelong friend/soulmate for going on around 15 years. During that time we have both been with other people, but also off and on with each other. I think we both never gave things much of a chance, as she has said she did not want to lose a great friend. Anyway, we drifted apart, her beginning married, moved away as her husband was military. I ended up also marrying. We both now have children, her three, I two. She left her husband after some domestic violence issues. She moved back to the area where I live and contacted me. As I said I had become married in the mean time. My wife is aware of some of my past with my "friend". She and I did talk and started beginning very close again. She decided and I agreed that we could not keep going the way things were as I was married. So she moved away again, but we stayed in brief contact. A call or text here and there. During this whole time my wife and I have had numerous issues, poor communication, her saying that she felt she could not do anything right, that I found everything negative, that she did not feel that I wanted to be there. There were times she told me to leave if I was not happy etc I have over time felt I was being suffocated, needing to ask for permission to do things, to go out with friends etc. So bad that my best friends have never been inside of my home. Moving on, my "friend" moved back again within the last six months. Since that time her and I became very close again. Her listening to everything, my concerns with my marriage etc. We both have told the other that we wanted to be with the other and in the end things did become intimate between us again. Her telling me that I needed to do what I felt I needed to do to be happy, to be with her if that was the case, that she would be there, she lived no one else My wife and I did attend some counseling during this, but nothing seemed to work. My wife again wrote letters, notes telling me to leave etc, but I could not bring myself to, issues with the children, the home etc The wife and I spoke of separating but nothing really changed until recently when I told her I wanted a divorce. I moved from the home into an apartment. However now my lifelong friend/soulmate. Is now saying that she is in love with an old mutual friend who use to date her sister and who he has a child with. She went on to say that she thinks she has loved him for years, that they sort of were together before,but her family, her sister caused them to split. Now they are going to see where things go now and they do not care what her family thinks or feels. It has caused me wonder if I should be going forth with my divorce or not. Living in a miserable, unfullfilling marriage is better than being alone again. So my point, I guess is. I'm so lost and confused. All of the mutual friends that my "friend", soulmate or so I thought, have said that they do not think her current " relationship" will last. The othe guy, an old friend for both of us is fully aware of how I have felt about my soulmate. He is also recently divorced and moved back to the area. Any advice out there ?
oldguy Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 First & foremost are your kids. They are your #1 responsibility. That doesn't mean you have to stay married at all it just means they need to be your number 1, not you, not your "soul" mate or ANYTHING else. I'm saying this because you barely even mentioned you have kids in all of this. Your marriage got stale, there are an endless reason for this to happen, then an old girlfriend briefly came back into the picture and so did past excitement. Point 1; You became intimate with your soul mate while you where still married which means neither of you have a problem with infidelity. Point 2; Your soul mate has now moved on to another soul mate. This means she is NOT in your life any longer. Point 3; Your marriage is next to done unless there is some miraculous, simultaneous, transformation between you and your soon to be ex. That is unless she hasn't discovered her "soul mate". What to do; Take care of your kids, be a dad and don't put them in the middle of your divorce. Your problems with their mother have nothing to do with them. Next, you can either trash your marriage & eventually get involved in another relationship, but if your not willing to work on that one anymore than this one, good luck. "insanity is repeating an action while expecting different results". I would guarantee that if you had married your soul mate instead of your wife & put the same effort into both relationships you would have gotten the same results; a stale marriage. Has anyone started a "Soul Mate" thread?
Author Moonshine71 Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 First and foremost are my two daughters. They have been a major influence to me throughout all of this. I fully admitt to having been caught up in what ever old memories where there with my so called soulmate. My children were and are a major reason why I was and in some ways am still not willing to leave my existing marriage dispite how bad I might feel or believe things are between their mother and I. There are significant issues between us, but I do think that many people never want to admitt this. So people stay in marriages only for the sake of children or not wanting to admitt they made a mistake, a failure. That by somehow staying where they are things will get better, but as we all know it never will without many other things occurring as well.
oldguy Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I am of the belief that a divorce is sometimes the best thing two people can do for their children. It's good to know your children are your first priority.
Author Moonshine71 Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 so as a update as to my original post. This site if nothing else has allowed me to think about the other side of things as best as i can. I never fully was able to put myself in either my "friend/soulmates" position or my wifes. I have opened my mind to this after reading through the various threads, trying to understand both sides as best as i have been able. The bottom line is i know I need to do things for my children and myself. The funny thing about being alone, and I do mean truely alone is that it can cause people to finally think about what is important in life, what makes them happy. I was up until now, thinking more of what i thought was the other people, when i was only thinking of myself. I wanted to be able to go right from being married to becomming involved with my "friend/soulmate", not thinking of what it was doing to anyone else. I know i have my own issues to deal with before i can ever deal with anything else. I think that admitting we have an issue is the first step in dealing with that issue.
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