Hazyhead Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Hi all, Haven't been around too much lately, which I think, to a certain degree, has helped my healing as sometimes it's hard to read stories of those going through what you went through. But then sometimes it helps to share. Right now, four months after I saw him (a very negative time), I'm feeling this incredibly strong urge to contact him and say sorry which I don't completely understand. Firstly, he was more in the wrong than me (not that it makes a difference) but I hurt him in return, childish, I know. Nasty things were said and done all round. I think the urge will pass.... mostly I just want to clear the air, clean slate and all. I do know for sure that i do not want to start things off with him again - the trauma for everybody is too much, and I don't feel quite that way about him anymore which is why this feeling is confusing me. I want to move on so much, so I wish this wasn't holding me back. I guess I'm venting here instead of breaking NC. I don't want to be responsible for any more hurt to anybody.
Silly_Girl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I'm not sure WHY the sorry necessarily, but you're a nice, decent person and now everything's moved on you possibly have an urge to put things 'right'. Except you can't. And he behaved like a total tur-wat to you Hazy. I think you just want to draw a line under it all, which is absolutely right. But I really don't think contacting him is the best way to do it. Not for anyone, and not for you. Are you alright, though? Must be weird even thinking along those lines after so long
Author Hazyhead Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Hi SG, I know he behaved like a huge azz, and in a way I'm grateful for that because it might just be the biggest factor holding me back. If I contacted him, I know at some point he'd do it again, because that is how he behaves towards people, selfish to the core. It is weird that it's playing on my mind. Maybe it's because I've slowed down a bit, got some free time and all. But, I am still sorry for my part in it all, to his wife too. How do you just drop something so bothersome and move on? Argh!
Silly_Girl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Hi SG, I know he behaved like a huge azz, and in a way I'm grateful for that because it might just be the biggest factor holding me back. If I contacted him, I know at some point he'd do it again, because that is how he behaves towards people, selfish to the core. It is weird that it's playing on my mind. Maybe it's because I've slowed down a bit, got some free time and all. But, I am still sorry for my part in it all, to his wife too. How do you just drop something so bothersome and move on? Argh! This is going to sound harsh but I'm stuck in holiday traffic and typing time is limited... Two thoughts: Best way to show your remorse where his wife is concerned is to stay right away. Secondly, if you're having trouble moving on it's for you to fix, not him or her, and you need to find your own way. Maybe this thread is it? I hope so.
Author Hazyhead Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Thanks SG. I know you're right. Some things are better left unsaid. I hate that it still gets to me after all this time. I have to say, generally I'm fine, life is good, but there are these moments, y'know? Guess i just have to carry on letting them lessen over time. This is going to sound harsh but I'm stuck in holiday traffic and typing time is limited... Two thoughts: Best way to show your remorse where his wife is concerned is to stay right away. Secondly, if you're having trouble moving on it's for you to fix, not him or her, and you need to find your own way. Maybe this thread is it? I hope so.
Spark1111 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Hi SG, I know he behaved like a huge azz, and in a way I'm grateful for that because it might just be the biggest factor holding me back. If I contacted him, I know at some point he'd do it again, because that is how he behaves towards people, selfish to the core. It is weird that it's playing on my mind. Maybe it's because I've slowed down a bit, got some free time and all. But, I am still sorry for my part in it all, to his wife too. How do you just drop something so bothersome and move on? Argh! You think about the reasons for your reaction, or your overreaction and....forgive yourself. You were hurt, or attacked, and you responded in kind. So what? it's okay. Find a way to let it be okay with you too. That is what is most important. NOT what he thinks, but what you think.....of you.
so-wrong Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 4mths NC - wow! I can't wait to get to that point. And just to reiterate what others have said, unless you want to resume the A or cause more hurt to yourself & others, you do need to stay away.
whichwayisup Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Hi all, Haven't been around too much lately, which I think, to a certain degree, has helped my healing as sometimes it's hard to read stories of those going through what you went through. But then sometimes it helps to share. Right now, four months after I saw him (a very negative time), I'm feeling this incredibly strong urge to contact him and say sorry which I don't completely understand. Firstly, he was more in the wrong than me (not that it makes a difference) but I hurt him in return, childish, I know. Nasty things were said and done all round. I think the urge will pass.... mostly I just want to clear the air, clean slate and all. I do know for sure that i do not want to start things off with him again - the trauma for everybody is too much, and I don't feel quite that way about him anymore which is why this feeling is confusing me. I want to move on so much, so I wish this wasn't holding me back. I guess I'm venting here instead of breaking NC. I don't want to be responsible for any more hurt to anybody. Then don't contact him. Posting here is good. Forgive yourself. I mean really forgive yourself.. That's the key to work through this so you don't cave and contact him.
so-wrong Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Then don't contact him. Posting here is good. Forgive yourself. I mean really forgive yourself.. That's the key to work through this so you don't cave and contact him. This is much easier said than done though & is a primary reason why my M is doomed. I simply cannot forgive myself for the hurt caused because of the A. (Not meaning to t/j by the way).
donnamaybe Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 that is how he behaves towards people, selfish to the core. Unfortunately, that's how many of these kinds of people operate. It's all about them, and to hell with everyone else. Hazy, you've been through a lot with this guy, and it's totally understandable that you want some kind of reasonable closure. I don't think you'll ever get that in this case. The best you can hope for is to try to forget the emotional pain it has caused you as best you can over time, and that WILL happen. I wish you peace of mind, sweety. There will be new adventures on the horizon. Try not to lose sight of that!
fooled once Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Hi all, Haven't been around too much lately, which I think, to a certain degree, has helped my healing as sometimes it's hard to read stories of those going through what you went through. But then sometimes it helps to share. Right now, four months after I saw him (a very negative time), I'm feeling this incredibly strong urge to contact him and say sorry which I don't completely understand. Firstly, he was more in the wrong than me (not that it makes a difference) but I hurt him in return, childish, I know. Nasty things were said and done all round. I think the urge will pass.... mostly I just want to clear the air, clean slate and all. I do know for sure that i do not want to start things off with him again - the trauma for everybody is too much, and I don't feel quite that way about him anymore which is why this feeling is confusing me. I want to move on so much, so I wish this wasn't holding me back. I guess I'm venting here instead of breaking NC. I don't want to be responsible for any more hurt to anybody. Hey Hazy!!!!! ((hugs))) Been wondering where you were. You have such a loving sweet heart. I think you have to leave it alone .... for now. More time needs to pass. I do not want to see you hurt anymore. Write a letter to him --- just don't send it. Get your feelings out. Maybe that is what you are feeling...unfinished because you don't normally handle things the way they ended up ending with him. You have come so far; you have moved forward. You have looked within yourself and examined YOU. Refocus and do whatever you need to do to not make contact. Tell yourself not this week; maybe next. Next week, delay it for another week. You are a people pleaser. That is a very good thing; but remember also that you have to protect YOURSELF. No one else is going to look out for YOU but you. Please don't set yourself backward. Please do not give him that power over you (even subconsciously). I am so proud of how far you have come. YOU be proud of that. So you and he didn't end on "good terms". It's okay. It really is. Don't give him that much importance in your life. Day by day my friend. Thank you so much for checking in! I have been thinking about you!
Gentlegirl Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Dear Hazy, I have also been NC for 4 months. I must admit things are looking and feeling much brighter most of the time.NO more knots in the gut all day and no more sleepless nights, no more tears becaus he has taken his wife away for a weekend. I accidentally saw x MM about a month ago. It didn't seem to have much of an after shock for me, even though he was with his wife. YOu said yourself that you are feeling a bit dfferently towards xMM nowadays. So do I. There are still some things I would like to put right also. I do wonder how I would feel or what I would say if I sat down to have a coffee or dinner with him now. I told one of my friends that I had the urge to contact and finally make things right in a civilised fashion, not in the ugly way it ended 4 months ago. She looked at my T shirt and said...."See the red colour of your T shirt? If you wait long enough, the colour will fade and so will the feeling you have. Give it time." It was a simple thing but very graphic. I look back at how he wrecked my life, made me depressed and unhappy, isolated me from friends and family, and managed to make me believe he loved me, then dumped me on my bum when the wife found out. What sane woman would would care to make anything right with such a mongrel? Guess my mother brought me up to do things properly, whether people deserve it or not. REMEMBER THE COLOUR RED.... keep washing the T shirt and it will fade! Every Best wish to you. Gentlegirl
BB07 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Hey Hazy.......I was wondering how you were doing my friend so I'm glad you checked in but wish it could have been under better circumstances. Time is your friend and I think your inclinations to do something will lesson as time goes on. That's the way it works for me and I will admit every once in a while I get an urge to do something silly although it wouldn't be to apologize if you get my drift. (I want to hit below the belt). Anyway......the thoughts pass and get less and less as time goes by. Hugs.......
TurboGirl Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 I don't know the entire story but 4 months NC! Way to go!!!!! I know that is difficult, I'm just past 2. The air IS clear...? It's done... let it rest... and move on. Doubt that he cares what you have to say... and I understand that you want to say it for YOU, but it is not worth breaking NC for. Hang in there, the feeling will pass and you will be so happy you did not break NC!
Silly_Girl Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Hazy you've had some great replies. Something else just occurred to me. Any contact with him, that arrogant personage is going to be thinking you've done nothing but pine for him and you can't live without him. I'll come round there and flush your mobile down the loo before I'll let you let him that THAT!!! :p I hope this thread will help you to see how much distance there is now, and that you are entitled to forgive yourself and move on. Sounds crazy but one day you'll be able to look back and crack pretty witty jokes about the whole escapade, when drinking with your best pals and talking about how some blokes can be proper f'kwits!!!!! All the best.
Author Hazyhead Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Then don't contact him. Posting here is good. Forgive yourself. I mean really forgive yourself.. That's the key to work through this so you don't cave and contact him. I see your point wwiu, I do because I've been here before, and I thought I had forgiven myself but I guess I really have not. It's a complex process and I do struggle with it - the guilt and all. I will talk to my therapist and best bud about how to let it go. This is much easier said than done though & is a primary reason why my M is doomed. I simply cannot forgive myself for the hurt caused because of the A. (Not meaning to t/j by the way). Are you in therapy so wrong? It might be something to explore there and with your husband. Sharing helps. And time. Unfortunately, that's how many of these kinds of people operate. It's all about them, and to hell with everyone else. Hazy, you've been through a lot with this guy, and it's totally understandable that you want some kind of reasonable closure. I don't think you'll ever get that in this case. The best you can hope for is to try to forget the emotional pain it has caused you as best you can over time, and that WILL happen. I wish you peace of mind, sweety. There will be new adventures on the horizon. Try not to lose sight of that! I think you guys give me more closure than he ever could, or will The emotional pain is definitely far less than it was. In fact, it's not so much a pain anymore as a little niggle. Like my dodgy knee from running that comes and goes I think maybe it's working through the acceptance of it now... maybe? Thank you Donna. I'll look for the new adventures for sure. Hey Hazy!!!!! ((hugs))) Been wondering where you were. You have such a loving sweet heart. I think you have to leave it alone .... for now. More time needs to pass. I do not want to see you hurt anymore. Write a letter to him --- just don't send it. Get your feelings out. Maybe that is what you are feeling...unfinished because you don't normally handle things the way they ended up ending with him. You have come so far; you have moved forward. You have looked within yourself and examined YOU. Refocus and do whatever you need to do to not make contact. Tell yourself not this week; maybe next. Next week, delay it for another week. You are a people pleaser. That is a very good thing; but remember also that you have to protect YOURSELF. No one else is going to look out for YOU but you. Please don't set yourself backward. Please do not give him that power over you (even subconsciously). I am so proud of how far you have come. YOU be proud of that. So you and he didn't end on "good terms". It's okay. It really is. Don't give him that much importance in your life. Day by day my friend. Thank you so much for checking in! I have been thinking about you! Hey you, my bud I took time away from here for a couple of reasons. Aside from being busy it was mostly just to help me think of other things for a while. No matter the breaks I have I'll always be back here, how could I not? You guys are the best That's a good idea to just keep putting it off (it's a general life skill I happen to be good at ) I will do that. The letter is a good idea. Or a blog maybe. Something written though. Get all my thoughts out of my head and down on to something else. I really don't want to give him power over me. He had that for far too long and those days are gone! It's a long process, I know, and generally I know I'm moving forward but sometimes, it just hits me. However I know that when it does you lot have my back. Hope you're okay FO. Hugs backatcha Dear Hazy, I have also been NC for 4 months. I must admit things are looking and feeling much brighter most of the time.NO more knots in the gut all day and no more sleepless nights, no more tears becaus he has taken his wife away for a weekend. I accidentally saw x MM about a month ago. It didn't seem to have much of an after shock for me, even though he was with his wife. YOu said yourself that you are feeling a bit dfferently towards xMM nowadays. So do I. There are still some things I would like to put right also. I do wonder how I would feel or what I would say if I sat down to have a coffee or dinner with him now. I told one of my friends that I had the urge to contact and finally make things right in a civilised fashion, not in the ugly way it ended 4 months ago. She looked at my T shirt and said...."See the red colour of your T shirt? If you wait long enough, the colour will fade and so will the feeling you have. Give it time." It was a simple thing but very graphic. I look back at how he wrecked my life, made me depressed and unhappy, isolated me from friends and family, and managed to make me believe he loved me, then dumped me on my bum when the wife found out. What sane woman would would care to make anything right with such a mongrel? Guess my mother brought me up to do things properly, whether people deserve it or not. REMEMBER THE COLOUR RED.... keep washing the T shirt and it will fade! Every Best wish to you. Gentlegirl I love that analogy Gentlegirl! I'll keep washing the t-shirt Thank you so much. The part I bolded above, I identify with so much. It baffles me that I put myself through it! I certainly learned a lot from the affair and how I will not let myself be treated in the future. You know what? He doesn't deserve my apology! I just wish it wasn't simmering still in me. Take care of you Gentle. LS is a great place to work through thoughts and issues so I hope to read more from you. Hugs Hazy Hey Hazy.......I was wondering how you were doing my friend so I'm glad you checked in but wish it could have been under better circumstances. Time is your friend and I think your inclinations to do something will lesson as time goes on. That's the way it works for me and I will admit every once in a while I get an urge to do something silly although it wouldn't be to apologize if you get my drift. (I want to hit below the belt). Anyway......the thoughts pass and get less and less as time goes by. Hugs....... Hey BB I have been checking in occasionally and reading some of your threads, just have been trying to get out of the A mindset for a while, hence not responding despite how much I felt the urge to. Time is a healer, eh? Your urge to do something I totally understand. It's because I succumbed to that urge that I'm not in this spot in which I feel the need to apologise. So you are doing the right thing, I think, to fight it off, no matter how much you would, at times, love to chop off his noonars. But yes - Time! I'm right there with you, hon. Hugs back I don't know the entire story but 4 months NC! Way to go!!!!! I know that is difficult, I'm just past 2. The air IS clear...? It's done... let it rest... and move on. Doubt that he cares what you have to say... and I understand that you want to say it for YOU, but it is not worth breaking NC for. Hang in there, the feeling will pass and you will be so happy you did not break NC! Thanks Turbo. You're so right - it's not worth breaking NC over. I'm hanging in and waiting for it to pass. It has done so in the past and I guess it's a work in progress, huh? Hope you're okay. NC gets easier day-by-day. It helps to be stubborn as a mule Hazy you've had some great replies. Something else just occurred to me. Any contact with him, that arrogant personage is going to be thinking you've done nothing but pine for him and you can't live without him. I'll come round there and flush your mobile down the loo before I'll let you let him that THAT!!! :p I hope this thread will help you to see how much distance there is now, and that you are entitled to forgive yourself and move on. Sounds crazy but one day you'll be able to look back and crack pretty witty jokes about the whole escapade, when drinking with your best pals and talking about how some blokes can be proper f'kwits!!!!! All the best. Again, you're right. And thinking further about it I'd hate to give him that pleasure! Especially since I ain't pining! But he will see it that way (world revolves around him dontcha know) I can see the distance now with more clarity. He's gone. Overall I do have a sense of relief about that, just need to wait for my conscience to catch up. Thanks again, SG. I quite like my phone so I will definitely chase that urge away now! ;) I'm meeting up with a friend later today who is having man-troubles of her own. I'm sensing that those conversations might start sooner Hope you're good btw.
jj33 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Hey Hazy. Happy Easter. I understand the desire to contact him and knowing me I probably would but its not the best thing to do. Do as I say not as I do. You can forgive yourself in your heart. Neither of you was blameless. If you contact him he is likely to misconstrue it. He will know that things were heated and that things were said by both of you that should not have been said. As others have said forgive yourself and let time pass. Take good care
Author Hazyhead Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Hey Hazy. Happy Easter. I understand the desire to contact him and knowing me I probably would but its not the best thing to do. Do as I say not as I do. You can forgive yourself in your heart. Neither of you was blameless. If you contact him he is likely to misconstrue it. He will know that things were heated and that things were said by both of you that should not have been said. As others have said forgive yourself and let time pass. Take good care Thanks JJ, happy Easter to you too. You're right, he will misconstrue it. And the last thing I want is to be sucked into any of his drama, so I will steer clear. Just gotta work on that forgiveness now.
Author Hazyhead Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 You think about the reasons for your reaction, or your overreaction and....forgive yourself. You were hurt, or attacked, and you responded in kind. So what? it's okay. Find a way to let it be okay with you too. That is what is most important. NOT what he thinks, but what you think.....of you. Sorry, Spark, I thought I had responded to you but mustn't have posted it properly I don't know why it matters to me what he thinks. It really shouldn't, I know, but I struggle sometimes to shake the thought. Anyway, you're right, if I can forgive myself my own opinion will improve. Hadn't realised that. It's still not okay with me, everything that happened, but I can't turn back the clock so I just have to accept it. Time, I guess.
fooled once Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Hey you, my bud I took time away from here for a couple of reasons. Aside from being busy it was mostly just to help me think of other things for a while. No matter the breaks I have I'll always be back here, how could I not? You guys are the best That's a good idea to just keep putting it off (it's a general life skill I happen to be good at ) I will do that. The letter is a good idea. Or a blog maybe. Something written though. Get all my thoughts out of my head and down on to something else. I really don't want to give him power over me. He had that for far too long and those days are gone! It's a long process, I know, and generally I know I'm moving forward but sometimes, it just hits me. However I know that when it does you lot have my back. Hope you're okay FO. Hugs backatcha You are moving forward hon. Each day you don't spend sitting in a room obsessively waiting for a text or an email or a quick call is moving forward. Unfortunately, you do not have the ability to turn back the clocks and change things. Things happened for a reason. You may be uncomfortable with how things went down, but maybe that is why they went down that way..to take you out of your 'comfort zone' of people pleasing and let you see that you don't always have to make things nice-nice for those that treat you like crap. You keep focusing on what's ahead of you; not what's behind you Got it? PROMISE me!!!......... I'm waiting!!!
silverplanets Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Hi all, Haven't been around too much lately, which I think, to a certain degree, has helped my healing as sometimes it's hard to read stories of those going through what you went through. But then sometimes it helps to share. Right now, four months after I saw him (a very negative time), I'm feeling this incredibly strong urge to contact him and say sorry which I don't completely understand. Firstly, he was more in the wrong than me (not that it makes a difference) but I hurt him in return, childish, I know. Nasty things were said and done all round. I think the urge will pass.... mostly I just want to clear the air, clean slate and all. I do know for sure that i do not want to start things off with him again - the trauma for everybody is too much, and I don't feel quite that way about him anymore which is why this feeling is confusing me. I want to move on so much, so I wish this wasn't holding me back. I guess I'm venting here instead of breaking NC. I don't want to be responsible for any more hurt to anybody. Hi Hazy, Great to know it's still going well. Sorry to read the above but, for a while, these moments are part of the package. The good news is that they are just thoughts, you don't need to act on them and, I promise you, they get less and less frequent until you don't have them at all. I have a couple of theories as to why they occur ... (all to be read with my usual caveat of "ignore if irrelevant !!!!"): a) Momentary weakness. We all get a huge number of thoughts in each day .... Most of the time thoughts of ex's will be in there but will not rise above the general noise. In moments of weakness we notice these thoughts and elevate them to consciousness. It's not perhaps that one is thinking these thoughts more often, the frequency is the same, just one has let oneself notice them b) (A slighly odd one). Maybe you've reached a point in the process where you've slowed down and your mind is not fully occupied. Maybe you've achieved a particular stage and your mind has some spare capactity and there are less "must do them now" thoughts in your head. In this vacuum, stray thoughts will seem to be louder. c) During an A that's gone bad one perhaps one de-prioritises one's self. So when bad things happen you ignore it, or justify it as ok by re-framing it inside. Eventually there's an onion like structure of layers around your true self. When it's all over and the source of the hurt is gone ..... your self doesn't need the protection of those layers any more and so, over time, it discards them one by one. My view is that when each one is discarded your true self has to acknowledge and accept the hurt that was being covered up by the layer. So, peversely, as you're getting better you get flashbacks. But really, you're just discarding false protection and getting closer to being you again d) Being a victim can be comfortable. It's nice and easy for the mind to drop back into old patterns and pretend that everyone's against it. It gives it a reason to exist .... and it can just sit there feeling sorry/angry/etc. If this is the case the question is probably not why did the thought occur .. but perhaps instead why does it work for you to enter into the thought once it has occured .... rather than put the thought back down e) (the one that challenges me the most). It's a bit like d) but more intreaguing. Perhaps you've achieved all you want to achieve so far and are getting to a position where you can decide what you want to do and take ownership of your life. If you've never done this then it can be frightening and, in my experience, the mind will try anything to avoid the fear of entering into the unknown ... including attempting to take you back into a destructive situation. There is comfort in familiarity, but fear in the unkown. f) (a deeper extension of e) ) ... perhaps, at some level, you don't feel as if you deserve to move on. Perhaps you deep down believe that you are not lovable, if so then you will feel a pressure to revert/enter a bad relationship rather than move on confident that you are the unique, wonderful, entirely lovable person that you are. g) (deeper again) .. perhaps it's easier to distract oneself with an unrequitable love than it is to take that journey that is learning to honestly and truly love oneself as one is OK .. going to stop there ... realise that most/all of these won't apply in this case but just throwing up some ideas. They are all from personal experience and so therefore are probably only relevant to my experiences. Know you will take it in the way intended though ... take THE best of care and know that it is possible to walk side by side with oneself, holding one's own hand and to live each day confidently and self awareness and love. Chris :)
Author Hazyhead Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 Hi Hazy, Great to know it's still going well. Sorry to read the above but, for a while, these moments are part of the package. The good news is that they are just thoughts, you don't need to act on them and, I promise you, they get less and less frequent until you don't have them at all. I have a couple of theories as to why they occur ... (all to be read with my usual caveat of "ignore if irrelevant !!!!"): a) Momentary weakness. We all get a huge number of thoughts in each day .... Most of the time thoughts of ex's will be in there but will not rise above the general noise. In moments of weakness we notice these thoughts and elevate them to consciousness. It's not perhaps that one is thinking these thoughts more often, the frequency is the same, just one has let oneself notice them b) (A slighly odd one). Maybe you've reached a point in the process where you've slowed down and your mind is not fully occupied. Maybe you've achieved a particular stage and your mind has some spare capactity and there are less "must do them now" thoughts in your head. In this vacuum, stray thoughts will seem to be louder. c) During an A that's gone bad one perhaps one de-prioritises one's self. So when bad things happen you ignore it, or justify it as ok by re-framing it inside. Eventually there's an onion like structure of layers around your true self. When it's all over and the source of the hurt is gone ..... your self doesn't need the protection of those layers any more and so, over time, it discards them one by one. My view is that when each one is discarded your true self has to acknowledge and accept the hurt that was being covered up by the layer. So, peversely, as you're getting better you get flashbacks. But really, you're just discarding false protection and getting closer to being you again d) Being a victim can be comfortable. It's nice and easy for the mind to drop back into old patterns and pretend that everyone's against it. It gives it a reason to exist .... and it can just sit there feeling sorry/angry/etc. If this is the case the question is probably not why did the thought occur .. but perhaps instead why does it work for you to enter into the thought once it has occured .... rather than put the thought back down e) (the one that challenges me the most). It's a bit like d) but more intreaguing. Perhaps you've achieved all you want to achieve so far and are getting to a position where you can decide what you want to do and take ownership of your life. If you've never done this then it can be frightening and, in my experience, the mind will try anything to avoid the fear of entering into the unknown ... including attempting to take you back into a destructive situation. There is comfort in familiarity, but fear in the unkown. f) (a deeper extension of e) ) ... perhaps, at some level, you don't feel as if you deserve to move on. Perhaps you deep down believe that you are not lovable, if so then you will feel a pressure to revert/enter a bad relationship rather than move on confident that you are the unique, wonderful, entirely lovable person that you are. g) (deeper again) .. perhaps it's easier to distract oneself with an unrequitable love than it is to take that journey that is learning to honestly and truly love oneself as one is OK .. going to stop there ... realise that most/all of these won't apply in this case but just throwing up some ideas. They are all from personal experience and so therefore are probably only relevant to my experiences. Know you will take it in the way intended though ... take THE best of care and know that it is possible to walk side by side with oneself, holding one's own hand and to live each day confidently and self awareness and love. Chris :) Hi Chris! On the whole I am doing well. I think that is why this whole 'blip' threw me like it did; I was getting all complacent with my recovery - 'Check me out - I am oooveeer you!' then, wham! Like a football kicked in the face. More than one of your theories could apply to me, I think. Most definitely the second one: my life has slowed down momentarily. I had been so busy at work but have had a couple of weeks off for the Easter hols. I had filled them with loads of jobs around my house and garden but found that it was during these physical chores that my mind started to wonder. Usually my day is taken up with a million things to figure out in relation to my job, so I don't have the time to dwell. I guess then, this was coming, and the last couple of days I haven't thought about it/him half as much. I suppose that's where your first theory comes in about all the thoughts one flies through in one day. He was bound to pop up at some point. I was seeing a therapist but haven't for the last few weeks. Maybe I'll go back because there are still some issues I have to wade through; or maybe I'll just try to plough through them in my own time... not sure yet. My sense of self was diminished during the A and I did deprioritise myself. Perhaps my self-esteem still hasn't fully recovered from it all, but I do feel close, as you say. My friends and family have commented on me being back to my old self, which I hope is a good thing Your point about taking ownership of my life really resonated with me. I hadn't considered that at all. I'm still hovering in recovery a little, and not quite ready to jump fully into the exciting unknown just yet... though I do look forward to it. As far as dating goes, I have been asked out by a couple of guys, but I don't feel ready. Plus, I didn't feel a whole lot of chemistry with them... still waiting on that thunderbolt Other than that I've been considering emigrating and travelling a little with my career. I've filled in those application forms I don't know how many times but chicken out when it comes to the 'submit' button. I guess I was wary that it might be a kneejerk reaction, but if it's still there as time goes on, then... maybe Thank you so much for taking the time, as ever, to encourage me to reflect. I always appreciate your input. I hope you're well and still enjoying the dating scene, or wherever it might have led you Hugs to ya Hazy :)
Pink_orchid Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I look back at how he wrecked my life, made me depressed and unhappy, isolated me from friends and family, and managed to make me believe he loved me, then dumped me on my bum when the wife found out. What sane woman would would care to make anything right with such a mongrel? Guess my mother brought me up to do things properly, whether people deserve it or not. Gentlegirl Hello guys long time since I posted but just checked in to see how everyone's doing. Hazy I totally know how you feel but I think this quote from gentlegirl says it all. He doesn't deserve to know you've been thinking about him. Because you're a decent girl you feel the need to end things 'nicely' and I have always been the same, but some guys just don't. Well done on the NC it must have been hard and continues to be hard I know because that's where I am at, but when I read this quote I did laugh, too right, why should I bother if he isn't man enough??!!
Author Hazyhead Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 Hello guys long time since I posted but just checked in to see how everyone's doing. Hazy I totally know how you feel but I think this quote from gentlegirl says it all. He doesn't deserve to know you've been thinking about him. Because you're a decent girl you feel the need to end things 'nicely' and I have always been the same, but some guys just don't. Well done on the NC it must have been hard and continues to be hard I know because that's where I am at, but when I read this quote I did laugh, too right, why should I bother if he isn't man enough??!! Hi PO! Glad you're doing okay. Well done to you, too. It gets easier though, right? With the odd glitch of course But no, he does not deserve to know I think of him sometimes, even if most of the time I'm thinking he's a complete azzface. We'll get there, though PO. I know it
silverplanets Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Hi Chris! On the whole I am doing well. I think that is why this whole 'blip' threw me like it did; I was getting all complacent with my recovery - 'Check me out - I am oooveeer you!' then, wham! Like a football kicked in the face. More than one of your theories could apply to me, I think. Most definitely the second one: my life has slowed down momentarily. I had been so busy at work but have had a couple of weeks off for the Easter hols. I had filled them with loads of jobs around my house and garden but found that it was during these physical chores that my mind started to wonder. Usually my day is taken up with a million things to figure out in relation to my job, so I don't have the time to dwell. I guess then, this was coming, and the last couple of days I haven't thought about it/him half as much. I suppose that's where your first theory comes in about all the thoughts one flies through in one day. He was bound to pop up at some point. I was seeing a therapist but haven't for the last few weeks. Maybe I'll go back because there are still some issues I have to wade through; or maybe I'll just try to plough through them in my own time... not sure yet. My sense of self was diminished during the A and I did deprioritise myself. Perhaps my self-esteem still hasn't fully recovered from it all, but I do feel close, as you say. My friends and family have commented on me being back to my old self, which I hope is a good thing Your point about taking ownership of my life really resonated with me. I hadn't considered that at all. I'm still hovering in recovery a little, and not quite ready to jump fully into the exciting unknown just yet... though I do look forward to it. As far as dating goes, I have been asked out by a couple of guys, but I don't feel ready. Plus, I didn't feel a whole lot of chemistry with them... still waiting on that thunderbolt Other than that I've been considering emigrating and travelling a little with my career. I've filled in those application forms I don't know how many times but chicken out when it comes to the 'submit' button. I guess I was wary that it might be a kneejerk reaction, but if it's still there as time goes on, then... maybe Thank you so much for taking the time, as ever, to encourage me to reflect. I always appreciate your input. I hope you're well and still enjoying the dating scene, or wherever it might have led you Hugs to ya Hazy :) Hi Hazy, Lovely to hear from you and what a positive reply You know what .... if one was looking for someone to fill the position of "looking after Hazy" then I don't think there is anyone better suited than you. A long time ago, perhaps that wouldn't have been the case ... but nowadays it is ... Hazy is aware of who Hazy is, Hazy takes time to reflect on what has and is happening to and inside Hazy and Hazy is looking after Hazy's well being. That's some achievement I would say !!!! :-) You should SO pat yourself on the back :) And you know what I'm especially proud of ??? You're not rushing into dating or new ventures ... just taking your time to work out where you are with it all, but considering things nevertheless. Affair situations seem to remove the locus of control from an OW/OM's life ... you're not free to move on alone because they won't let you go, and you can't move on as a couple because they won't go with you. So you stagnate ... kind of a learned helplessness type thing I suppose. Real life isn't like that at all .... time is your friend, not your enemy .... you are free to direct your life in any way you choose on any day you choose .... in any hour of that day or in any minute of that hour. Within the minutes there are seconds ... and it only takes one to, for example, submit a form as you say. So when you DO decide to move forwards you will find each day is filled with so many opportunities to make your dreams happen. Dating has been an interesting experience. I've taken a long time and put a lot of effort into dealing with my baggage, my self and learning to truly accept and love myself for being me, just as I am. I have no baggage to bring to dates and nothing to hide ... and I have no expectations of others, except that they just be themselves. It's a nice, relaxed place to be in and means I can politely say no to people with baggage, not enough time after their previous relationship or who are just not right for me. I've had a lovely time though and, no matter who they are, have met some lovely people and accepted them as they are. It's also allowed me time to reflect on what I actually want at this stage of life. Do I really want an intense relationship? My daughter is my priority and do I really want to be involved with another adult right now? I haven't worked through all the answers yet, but I've reached a calm equilibrium with the whole concept ... and that is good. I've also realised that perhaps I am not fully decided on what direction I want to go in personally yet ... there are so many things I want to do with my time on this planet .. .and maybe I need to follow my path rather than get entwined with somone else's right now. I have learnt to stand side by side at my own shoulder, to take my own counsel and to hold my own hand as I walk into the unknown. And, perhaps most importantly I have learnt to let others walk their own path and be responsible for their own well-being. I have no doubt that one day I shall find that my path and someone elses is the same .. and, if the universe is willing, we will be able to walk together for a while. In the meantime, I'm intreagued to see just how far I can soar now that I am complete inside. big hugs and trust yourself Chris :)
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