bama_bbq Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I've been on three dates with this girl. I think we both realize we're not quite each other's type, but I'd really really like to become friends with her (we didn't know each other before starting dating). Our third date was kind of weird. She invited me to dinner, and the conversation seemed like a series of disagreements. It came up that she doesn't care for history. At that moment, I became pretty sure this was a girl I couldn't become serious with (she also doesn't care about politics, and personally I don't think I could seriously date someone with no interest in either topic). The dinner wasn't super awkward or anything, but I would say there weren't really sparks. Just as we're walking up to her door, the conversation turns to organic food and how much she likes it. I say that I avoid organic food because I think it's a big ripoff, but I do enjoy arguing about it. And she says, "do you want to hash this out inside?" So we go inside, and her roommates are sitting on the couches. She announces to them that I hate organic food, and so we sit down and I basically try to defend myself against her and her roommate. The conversation wanders through drug legalization and overpopulation. I was honestly having a great time (I had more fun with the group discussion than with her alone). They had some pretty radical ideas; they ask me if I have any radical ideas, and I share one. I'm not sure if it made them uncomfortable, but I think it was par for the course in conversation. I go to the bathroom a little later, and when I come back, the girl tells me she needs to work on homework (was it something I said, or just getting late?). So I leave, and I kiss her good night, but she doesn't seem to be going for any tongue. I should mention that I was coughing a lot that night. I'd had a cold a week before, and our second date I told her I couldn't kiss because of that. Before the third date, we had a text conversation that went like: her: "are you done being sick?" me: "pretty much, but I have a persistent cough." her: "does that mean I still can't kiss you? :(" me: "Well, I know I'm contagious for about five days after symptoms start and it's been six days, but you probably don't want to risk it." her: "I think six days will be sufficient ..." This is the only reason I went in for the kiss. I know I shouldn't have, especially with tongue (tasting like cough drop too ), but I was stupid. I don't know if she was just grossed out be me coughing or not, but I've found not using tongue to be really bad sign in my experience... So I texted her a bit over the next two weeks, and finally on Saturday afternoon ask her if she'd like to go hiking on Sunday. No respond till Sunday morning and says she's studying for a test all day. Obviously not interested. The weird thing is, I really want to be friends with her. Part of it may be that I'm in grad school, she's an undergrad (very different major), and I'm so happy to meet people outside my department (happens so rarely) who think very differently. I was hoping to meet other undergrads through her; meeting lots of new people is something I really miss from undergrad college. She's got a cheerful personality that's fun to be around, even without sparks. I also really enjoyed talking to her roommates; it was one of the most intellectually satisfying conversations I've had in a while. I would like to talk with them again if possible. I'm not sure how much my physical attraction to her is playing a role here. I think she is very cute, I know she is physically attracted to me, and if she wanted to just hook up for something not-serious, I would like to do that. But this doesn't matter to me much; what I really want is the actual friendship. I don't know exactly why she lost interest. If I offended them with crazy political views, maybe the girls in that house wouldn't want to talk to me again. If it's for some other reason, maybe a friendship is still possible. Anyway, my question is: can I turn this into a friendship? I've been thinking of texting her something like: "I've had a great time with you, but I think we aren't necessarily what the other is looking for in dating. I'm getting the vibe you feel the same way. However, I really would like to become friends. It's rare that I get to meet someone outside my department, and hanging out with you has been like a breath of fresh air. Your roommates are also great debaters, and I had a blast talking with them. I hope we can continue hanging out, but I understand if you think that would be weird." Do you guys think this could work?
zengirl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Is it possible? Yes, absolutely. I actually have a really good male friend I originally met on Match. We had NO chemistry from Date 1. Didn't kiss until Date 3, and when we did, we both burst out laughing. Voila: friends! But I think this was a rare situation where we both felt the same things at the same time and no one's ego got bruised. However, what's most likely is, even if she doesn't like you, her ego will be bruised and she won't want to be friends. All depends, but that seems most likely to me. However, it can't hurt to try, and it's better to be direct. Really, it almost always is. Also, re: Kissing with tongue I've never kissed a guy with tongue during a first kiss. That seems super weird to me. My first kisses are always pretty chaste.
Author bama_bbq Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Thanks for the reply, zengirl! Well, I'm hoping that I'm the one with the bruised ego, given that she turned down the hike. If she says she'd like to be friends, how might I proceed? I'd like to invite her to do something as non-date-ish as possible, to indicate I don't have some ulterior motive. We also have zero mutual friends, and it would be helpful if I could invite her to do something not alone. I'm thinking I could invite her to a party, or maybe go on a hike as just friends, but I just asked her to go hiking as a "date" so perhaps that sends the wrong signal. How'd you and match.com guy proceed? Also, about the kiss.... Our first kiss was actually before the first date, and during that kiss she initiated tongue. She was also drunk, but yeah. On the first date, I kissed her just once on the lips, very chaste, especially since we were in public (lunch date). So it felt like a step backward.... But I'm glad to know that this behavior is not necessarily such a bad sign.
zengirl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Well, with most new friends I don't really do "alone stuff" (dates, yes; friends, not really, unless they're close friends or only 1 person wants to go to something I'm going to anyway). I just started asking him to go to things I was going to with my friends and he did the same. I have mixed friends -- guys and gals -- so that's not uncommon for me to do. I treated him like any other new potential friend and I'm pretty sure he did the same. He and I would hang out alone now, if I were in town/he was in town, but that's because we've been friends for years and kept in touch in different cities.
Author bama_bbq Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 So I talked to my friend for advice on this, and he said I should be persistent in pursuing a romantic relationship if I want to maximize my chances of getting to discuss with her roommates again. He says that it's very very unlikely that she would want to be just friends. Isn't it pretty clear that she's not interested in continuing dating? I thought simply rejecting the date with an obviously BS excuse without any mention of rescheduling is a pretty clear signal she doesn't want to do that. Is trying to be friends even less likely to work than being persistent?
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