John Michael Kane Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Still nothing heard from her. She has been utterly selfish, extremely hurtful and mean. I love the person she was but not the person she appears to be now. The problem I have is that although I've told her a while back how I feel she and I are just ignoring each other. Should I get in touch again just to say I miss her? No don't contact her to tell her that because like you said and what we already knew, she's selfish and she's cheating. She's off with some other dude and she will only dismiss you so casually like a piece of paper. Don't do it. Start worrying about yourself so you can heal from this. This woman is no good. I know it's a lot to take in right now but believe me if you call her and she answers, you'll regret it.
robf1971 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 . Should I get in touch again just to say I miss her? Do not do this, Repeat do not do this
Author KCCO Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 I haven't been on here for ages because frankly I've been too upset. So, apologies to all you kind people out there. I haven't seen my wife for 4 months but now know where she's living and that she's living with this other guy, a known philanderer who's cheated on his wife of 30 years many times and is now going through a divorce. A few weeks ago I found an old phone of hers and on it were over 400 text messages to/from her and this other guy. I didn't think I could be hurt anymore but I was so wrong. Seh was even ridiculing me and telling him really personal family stuff. There were even some pics on there which were truly heartbreaking. It seems my wife has been having an affair for two years and her only excuse for all the treachery, lies and cheating was that she'd 'fallen in love'. I don't recogise her anymore and cannot comprehend how she could treat another human being the way she's treated me let alone someone she's been with for 26 years. As you know I have 23 year old twin sons who still live with me. She asked them if they wanted to meet this guy and they refused. So, as a result she's pretty much broken the relationship with them too. As you no doubt have guessed I'm in the depths of despair but have no option to try and get on with my life. I spend a lot of my time wondering what I did wrong but can never come up with anything that would make her do this to me. I've had my anti-depressant medication doubled and thankfully this is beginning to work. However, I feel as though she has taken my life from me just as surely as if she's have killed me. Please can anyone tell me why people behave like this?
carson2002 Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 (edited) I haven't been on here for ages because frankly I've been too upset. So, apologies to all you kind people out there. I haven't seen my wife for 4 months but now know where she's living and that she's living with this other guy, a known philanderer who's cheated on his wife of 30 years many times and is now going through a divorce. A few weeks ago I found an old phone of hers and on it were over 400 text messages to/from her and this other guy. I didn't think I could be hurt anymore but I was so wrong. Seh was even ridiculing me and telling him really personal family stuff. There were even some pics on there which were truly heartbreaking. It seems my wife has been having an affair for two years and her only excuse for all the treachery, lies and cheating was that she'd 'fallen in love'. I don't recogise her anymore and cannot comprehend how she could treat another human being the way she's treated me let alone someone she's been with for 26 years. As you know I have 23 year old twin sons who still live with me. She asked them if they wanted to meet this guy and they refused. So, as a result she's pretty much broken the relationship with them too. As you no doubt have guessed I'm in the depths of despair but have no option to try and get on with my life. I spend a lot of my time wondering what I did wrong but can never come up with anything that would make her do this to me. I've had my anti-depressant medication doubled and thankfully this is beginning to work. However, I feel as though she has taken my life from me just as surely as if she's have killed me. Please can anyone tell me why people behave like this? It really doesn't matter what the reason is, the fact is they chose the route they took. They chose not to talk about the problems in the marriage but took the easiest and most self serving way out and when they've already checked out of the marriage why would they care about the hurt and devastation that they leave behind, all of their emotion and attention is now focused on their new men and lives. You and what went before are now only memories to her. Because us dumpees go through a lot of soul searching and growth in the early part of a separation we tend to see the long term damage that their actions can cause to the family (especially kids, even grown up ones) but they are so caught up in their own immediacy that they don't bother to look that far forward and it's only later in life that they have cause to regret They don’t realise or care how much that they will miss and because we still love them we feel the pain of their future loss and can’t understand how they can give it up so easily. Getting on with your life is the only thing that you can do. Your wife has moved on she doesn’t think about you and if she does it's only fleetingly. You know she has gone. You know she has been with another man. You know she will not come back. You also know that really, if she did come back you actually wouldn’t want her; after all she’s lied to you, deceived you and cheated on you. You would never be able to trust her again, each time you tried to be intimate you would see the other man and it would slowly destroy you – why would you allow her back into your life. Intellectually you know all this but your heart doesn’t and you remain in devastation and pain. The only thing you can do is separate these two states, you must stay NC, fight down the desire for contact. You can never fully let go if you are subconsciously seeking to hold onto her even by the tiniest of threads which is what this urge to contact is about. Start rebuilding your life without reference to hers, everything you do must be for yourself or the loved ones still around you. You need to prepare yourself financially and get strong, don’t forget worse is to come, at some stage the fight over the divorce will loom on the horizon and if you haven’t prepared yourself she will cause you more harm. Remember she has no feelings for you now so to rely on whatever love you had before will cost you dear especially if you allow your love for her to cloud your judgement. This pain will feel like it will stay forever but read through the posts on LS and you can see that it does fade with time, keep a journal to chart your progress and after a few months you will be amazed at how far you have come once you read back through. Keep busy. Do things to take your mind off the pain. Set new goals just for you. I still hurt; I still have bad days, teary days and angry days(especially when I think of them having sex) each new revelation or secret that you discover will knock you back but if you’ve decided on a path for yourself even baby steps will get you where you need to go eventually Some of this may sound harsh but you know the reality of your situation, the only person feeling pain and hurt is you, she certainly isn’t feeling it, she doesn’t feel anything for you, so only you can choose to stop feeling that way. I emphasise completely with you because our situations are so similar but we are the only ones that can change where we are, what we feel and how we are going to live our lives. No one else can do it for us we just have to make the right choices and get on and do it. PS. Sorry for the long post. Be strong Edited September 12, 2011 by carson2002
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