She's Left after 23 years of marriage - I'm in pieces

[dreamingoftigers]

OK Owl what do you suggest? My marriage was not restrictive - I had hobbies and interests and indulged them. I was very happy with my wife up until recently and was pleased with my life. She took that pleasure away and, having achieved my goals, what's left? I was looking forward to the rest of my life with her and now, in all probability, that's not going to happen.

 

I've served my purpose. I've been a dutiful husband and reasonable father. My sons will go soon and my wife has fled. My family was my life and it's pretty much gone . She, at 48, wants a new life without me. I was content with the old one. I may be able to carve out a new life but it's not the one I truly wanted.

I had what I strove for. She's destroyed it. Why can't people just be nice to each other!?

 

When you find the answer to that, let us all know *sigh*

[soserious1]

OK Owl what do you suggest? My marriage was not restrictive - I had hobbies and interests and indulged them. I was very happy with my wife up until recently and was pleased with my life. She took that pleasure away and, having achieved my goals, what's left? I was looking forward to the rest of my life with her and now, in all probability, that's not going to happen.

 

I've served my purpose. I've been a dutiful husband and reasonable father. My sons will go soon and my wife has fled. My family was my life and it's pretty much gone . She, at 48, wants a new life without me. I was content with the old one. I may be able to carve out a new life but it's not the one I truly wanted.

 

I had what I strove for. She's destroyed it. Why can't people just be nice to each other!?

 

 

Every stop to consider that maybe she feels the same way? that she's done her duty and that the life you strove for isn't what she wants for the next 30-40 yrs? Perhaps in ending the marriage she is "being nice" to the both of you?

 

"Till death do us part" used to be a lot easier when we dropped dead in our 50's and 60's, it's not so easy now that we live into our 80's and beyond.

Edited May 4, 2011 by soserious1

[sumdude]

Every stop to consider that maybe she feels the same way? that she's done her duty and that the life you strove for isn't what she wants for the next 30-40 yrs? Perhaps in ending the marriage she is "being nice" to the both of you?

 

"Till death do us part" used to be a lot easier when we dropped dead in our 50's and 60's, it's not so easy now that we live into our 80's and beyond.

 

Lying to and cheating on your partner is far from being nice. It's cowardly and cruel.

[soserious1]

Lying to and cheating on your partner is far from being nice. It's cowardly and cruel.

 

I'm not in favor of lying or cheating (I now pay alimony to a man who did both) what I am saying here is that once the kids are raised and gone, people can easily have another 30-40 years left to live,many feel that once the kids are raised that they are free to resume their adult lives. OP's wife might well have done OP a favor here that he'll be able to see more clearly

once the initial shock is over.

[Desensitized]

KCCO - I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling right now. My heart also breaks for you and I hope things turn around for you.

 

Best of luck

[John Michael Kane]

I'm not in favor of lying or cheating (I now pay alimony to a man who did both) what I am saying here is that once the kids are raised and gone, people can easily have another 30-40 years left to live,many feel that once the kids are raised that they are free to resume their adult lives. OP's wife might well have done OP a favor here that he'll be able to see more clearly

once the initial shock is over.

 

Even though your argument is totally irrelevant to OP's situation, leaving after the kids are raised is not what marriage is for. But if she simply wanted a divorce or had issues he couldn't help her with, she should've done that instead of cheating and being a hoe for years at a time, which is disgusting. The man is hurt and he needs to grieve as much as he can to heal.

[KCCO]

Soserious, I get it. So she wanted a new life after the kids, family, mortgage etc. etc. Well, I wanted that too but with her.

 

There is no excuse for what she has done. None. It is utterly selfish. I could have done the same but I accept my responsibilities, obligations and the effort that's required to maintain a relationship. In fact it is because I do that enabled her do what she has.

 

My major problem is that I still love her deeply. If that makes me a fool then that is what I am.

[robf1971]

Right now, your wife has all the power, all the decision making options. Not because she's stronger, but because you're not taking charge of your half of the known universe.

.

 

At some point in the next few months there may well be a "tipping point" where you have all the power and decision making options. I'll never forget the day when I realised that had happened in my situation.

 

She wants a new life? She wants her freedom? Give it to her in spades damn it. Your kids are grown up forget about her stupid texts or whether you should be in or not when she comes back. Who cares about her reaction? she's the one who's been out having an affair.

 

You need to build a new life for you from the ashes, chances are your wife will come sniffing back.

[Owl]

OK Owl what do you suggest?

 

I've suggested it repeatedly.

 

Pick a goal.

 

Do you want to try to reconcile your marriage with her? I'm not asking what SHE wants...I'm asking you if you think that you can forgive her, put forth the effort to rebuild your marriage, and eventually rebuild your marriage FROM YOUR VIEWPOINT? I understand that's not HER goal at this point...I'm asking if this is the goal that YOU would like to see happen?

 

Or is divorce your goal? There's nothing 'wrong' with this option either. Many people cannot/will not forgive after an affair...the damage is often too great for a marriage to be rebuilt from.

 

Basically, I'm recommending that you decide which of these two options you want to start fighting for. Do you want to try to rebuild your marriage, or do you want to start the process to move on?

 

Pick one of those (or outline your own option if it's something different).

 

PICK A DIRECTION TO START MOVING IN...and start moving in that direction.

 

Right now...you're just going along with her direction. You're passively giving in to what she's dictating...you're not appearing to do anything to steer the outcome of this situation (at least that's how it appears from this side of the internet).

 

The first step towards healing is taking active steps towards healing...whatever direction that is for you.

 

That's what I recommend. Stop letting her run the show...start deciding what you want...and start calling shots to get to what you want. If you can't/won't do that...you're accepting the direction that SHE sets for you and your relationship with her.

 

If you'd prefer I not post further to your thread...just say so. I'm not here to call you out...on the contrary, I'm trying to offer you the best advice I can.

[KCCO]

Owl, no please I welcome your advice.

 

My goal is to 'try to reconcile my marriage with her'. I know it won't be easy but the first step is to get her to talk to me and tell the truth. She's effectively left everything behind and says she's happy doing what she wants when she wants (as if I stopped her anyway!). If she's not prepared to talk honestly with me and just avoids everything that is 'pressurising' her I can't force her to.

 

What she is doing is entirely selfish and self-indulgent. She's has left everything behind and if she's not going to change from that what can I do?

[oldguy]

Classic empty nesters; Kids are gone or leaving, possible pre menopausal, married to the father/mother of the children rather than to a lover. Unfortunately your story is not uncommon. When I was in my mid forties it happened to me. I felt like I was so old, like my life was over, like I served my purpose. Pretty much all the things I’ve heard you say.

 

You are still in the middle of this crisis & have a lot to go through & a lot to overcome. If or when your marriage ends you will go through the same stages of loss that someone experiences with the death of a loved one, maybe a little worse, but you will grieve and you will move on. There is life after divorce and it is better than what you are going through now, and it is better than you can foresee from where you are standing now.

 

You’ve been getting good advice, it’s just not all feel good & what you want to hear. OWL just wrote; “Pick a direction to start moving in… and start moving”. DO IT!

You have the opportunities you had when you where in your late teens & early twenties with at least twenty five years of knowledge and experience. Just think of the opportunities you have to build a new & fresh life. You mentioned that you had everything & she took it. I can only say this; “the journey is much more exciting than the destination” & anytime you feel you’ve met your goals, that you have everything, it’s time to re-evaluate, set new goals an open your eyes to new possibilities. It’s been ten years for me and I won’t tell you that divorce isn’t rough. I know exactly what you’re going through but after ten years I’m doing very well, I’ve reset many priorities, become comfortable enough to view what is important a little differently.

 

“Pick a direction, a goal, a passion to start moving in… and start moving”.

 

One more bit of advise you can write in stone; You & your wife may be divorcing but neither of you are divorcing your adult children, Never, ever, bad mouth their mother to or within earshot of them. No matter how much of a b*#ch you may think she is or she actually is. My adult children do not even bring their complaints about their mother to me… Well they do but I just smile and remind them that they are adults and need to address any issues they have with her, to her.  Oh that is such the right path to take, trust me; any other option WILL bite you in the arss.

[sumdude]

Owl, no please I welcome your advice.

 

My goal is to 'try to reconcile my marriage with her'. I know it won't be easy but the first step is to get her to talk to me and tell the truth. She's effectively left everything behind and says she's happy doing what she wants when she wants (as if I stopped her anyway!). If she's not prepared to talk honestly with me and just avoids everything that is 'pressurising' her I can't force her to.

 

What she is doing is entirely selfish and self-indulgent. She's has left everything behind and if she's not going to change from that what can I do?

 

Owl is the best to give advice on reconciliation since he's one of the very few on this board who managed it and had it last. I don't want to be too much of a downer but once the spouse has moved out, given the I Love you but I'm not in Love with you speech and is actively having an affair that appears to have been going on a while. Your chances of reconciling are slim. You may beat the odds.. so from here I'll defer to Owl. But a lot of the same advice applies.

 

Have you ever had a cat as a pet? If you want it to sit in your lap it doesn't want to be there, you try to chase it and pick it up it only runs and hides that much more. Then when you're not paying attention, want to watch TV or read a book then suddenly it's in your face constantly.

 

Your walkaway wife is very much like that cat. The more you chase, grab at, try to reason with her, stay in contact with her the more she will run and hide. If you try and guilt her and make her feel bad for you the more she will run to avoid those emotions and the guilt.

 

Oldguy is also right. Should your marriage be over it's very much like mourning a death.. because in a way it is a death. Every relationship ends in one way or another. There are the stages of grief to contend with.

Edited May 5, 2011 by sumdude

[KCCO]

Thanks guys. I've decided to be out tomorrow when she comes round. That maintains no contact and is the least dangerous option.....I think. At least she may wonder why I'm not about!

[Owl]

I agree with the cat analogy.

 

I've heard it called "the rubber band effect" but it's the same thing.

 

If you keep trying to get closer, she's going to step back and away from you to maintain the distance she wants.

 

If you step away...put MORE distance between you, odds are she's going to try to close that gap without even realizing what she's done.

 

So my thought is that you do that. I'd also suggest that you go to the marriagebuilders.com website, review their free information on plan A, plan B, the love bank, etc... It gives you some great ideas and a method that might work in helping you work this to recovery. But stay away from the forums!!! (that last is based on my own personal opinion...I don't recommend those forums at this point to anyone).

 

I'd also suggest that you pick up a couple of books. "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs" by Harley are both great tools, along with "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman.

 

These can give you tools to understand her side, and figure out ways to start moving towards your goal.

[KCCO]

Thanks Owl. I was out when she came round. All she appears to have taken is some papers of her father's she needed and her mail (including some demands for payment of tax arrears!). She doesn't seem to have taken anything else, clothes, shoes etc. She also left no note for me.

[ConfusedWXman]

As bad as it may sound, it's been so theraputic for me reading through this thread... I'm in a VERY similar situation as OP.. going through a divorce after finding out about an affair she was having. We even tried to work it out which was incredibly difficult because it was clear she was checked out and I was trying so hard. I still love her to death but the trust is gone... it feels like the pain will never end but I suppose it's only been official for a few days now.

 

It's unbelievably true in these situations that your wife seemingly out of nowhere just seems like she's been replaced by an alien. It's mind boggling... I still have to pinch myself when I wake up in the morning... I pictured growing old with her as I'm sure you did with your wife.

 

I really believe that there is usually a catalyst involved in these situations... in yours it was the death of her mother, the alcoholism of her family members etc... for us it was 2 miscarriages in a row that lead to depression.

 

I did everything I knew how to be supportive.. it's a horrible feeling loving someone so deeply and devoting your life to making her happy.. you feel like if they would have just communicated to you what they needed, you would bend over backwards to get the job done. But the realization I've come to is that some people are just too immature to communicate effectively or work through problems. Marriage is no joke... it takes a lot of commitment and work no matter how good of a match you are.. something I knew when I proposed at 18 years old and here I am starting over again just like you.

 

She's coming to get her stuff next week and I'm dreading it... I have it all consolidated in the guest room and let me tell you... going through her stuff and packing it up was the worst experience of my life. You think you're a tough guy one day and then the next day you're smelling her clothes crying like a baby as you pack her stuff up by yourself wondering why this all happened.

 

Just know that there are people going through the same thing and we know how brutal it is to just get out of bed and get through the work day. I've just started grieving and I know I have a long road ahead to be able to trust a woman again.

 

I've been talking to a lot of people I know who have been through this as well... their advice has been all the same... don't pry for more information, it only makes things hurt more... just realize she wasn't good enough for you and move on with life. There will be someone out there who appreciates you (I don't even believe this right now but it's what I'm being told) and life will go on.

 

Edited May 8, 2011 by ConfusedWXman

[KCCO]

ConfusedWXman, I'm so sorry about your situation- it is hell! I can't say that our story cheered me up any but then why would it? I'll take your advice though but if anyone can tell me why partners/husbands/wives do this to each other I'm all ears. From my point of view there would never be any cheaters if they really knew how hurt the betrayed become once their horrid deed becomes known. I just couldn't do that to another human being!

[worlybear]

But that is why they are cheaters.

Of course you would never act in such a hurtful way, it goes against every principle you have ever lived by and you have integrity!

I think a big part of the personal hurt is the sheer disbelief that someone you love dearly can behave in such a way.

It's not funny to discover that the person you trusted most of all is busy cheating behind your back and doesn't care about you when d-day hits.

I have personally taken a long time to get over that absolute betrayal and I can now view his actions as those of a lesser person-seriously why would I ever want a guy like that back?

I can even understand (sort of) his cowardly reasons for his pathetic actions.

But one thing I will never understand even if hell freezes over-is how he can turn his back on his own children (looking after her 10 yr old daughter and ignoring his own 9 yr old) and having maintenance payments taken at source because he refuses to pay!

I mean seriously- what sort of a father does that!

Sorry for threadjack.

[KCCO]

Well, I have done the 180 and had no conatct with her at all. She came round the other day (I'd arranged to be out) and only took her two cycles. Nothing else and most of her clothes and all of her possessions are still here. She still hasn't spoken to one of my sons and it is nearly 8 weeks now since she did!

 

All very strange!?

 

KCCO

[Miky]

I would not read in to that behavior to much KCCO, it may as well be that she is just waiting for the best moment to come and pick all the rest of her stuff up when it suits her and she is comfortable doing that

[Kariva]

Wow I can relate to this, but not from your perspective, from your wife's. I have been married for 25 years. We have 3 kids. I devoted my life to raisin them. I would give anything for them. 2 of them are getting married this summer. I want out . . . I feel like I just don't care about anything anymore. I have a part time business so I could not live on it.

 

My husband has been emotionally detached and verbally abusive over the years. I will admit though recently he has been very kind. I have recently been involved in a very short term emotional affair. He actually made me feel like a woman, an actual person. Not a Mom, not a wife.

 

This affair has ended and I an quite upset over it but because of people on this forum, I am seeing that I am in a very vulnerable place in my life now.

 

Your wife may not know why she wants out, she just does. That's how I feel. I feel like there has to be more to life than this.

 

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. Alls I can suggest is you keep loving her and be patient. She may work through it and then come back and be as loving as ever.

[John Michael Kane]

Wow I can relate to this, but not from your perspective, from your wife's. I have been married for 25 years. We have 3 kids. I devoted my life to raisin them. I would give anything for them. 2 of them are getting married this summer. I want out . . . I feel like I just don't care about anything anymore. I have a part time business so I could not live on it.

 

My husband has been emotionally detached and verbally abusive over the years. I will admit though recently he has been very kind. I have recently been involved in a very short term emotional affair. He actually made me feel like a woman, an actual person. Not a Mom, not a wife.

 

This affair has ended and I an quite upset over it but because of people on this forum, I am seeing that I am in a very vulnerable place in my life now.

 

Your wife may not know why she wants out, she just does. That's how I feel. I feel like there has to be more to life than this.

 

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. Alls I can suggest is you keep loving her and be patient. She may work through it and then come back and be as loving as ever.

 

And how does this in any way help this man by talking about how your affair made you feel good? Considering what this man is going through do you honestly think he's happy to see something like this?

[robf1971]

And how does this in any way help this man by talking about how your affair made you feel good? Considering what this man is going through do you honestly think he's happy to see something like this?

 

Actually it just illustrates to everyone how selfish cheaters are. It's that me me me, f everyone else attitude.

[change]

 

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. Alls I can suggest is you keep loving her and be patient. She may work through it and then come back and be as loving as ever.

 

How would you suggest you keep loving someone while they're involved with someone else and separated from you? Patience I get. I'm trying to have patience in spades right now, because it's one of the only things I CAN do. But loving her still... I do love her, but I try not to express it, even in action. Is this what you mean?

 

Sorry, I'm a bit confused, Kariva. And sorry if this is a treadjack.

[KCCO]

Still nothing heard from her.

 

She has been utterly selfish, extremely hurtful and mean. I love the person she was but not the person she appears to be now.

 

The problem I have is that although I've told her a while back how I feel she and I are just ignoring each other. Should I get in touch again just to say I miss her?