wuggle Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Once again breaking my vow to not respond to responders, the above statement is genuinely bad information... Fair enough, it's good to disagree. I do however find it fascinating that despite a past history of clinically diagnosed severe depression (presumably caused by her mother's death\alcoholic father & sister, though this is not implicitly stated) not one single poster is even open to the vague possibility that this may have been the cause of her current decision. I am not stating that I believe this or disbelieve it, it just astounds me that not one poster will even entertain that this could possibly account for her actions. Despite what you believe, try to imagine, just for a second, that this woman's existing depression is or is partly to blame for her current state of mind. All the OP has heard from everyone else is that there is definitely another man\woman involved and that he should hire a PA and see a lawyer. If, and I repeat the If, this isn't the case, it will not do the OP any favours if he follows these peices of advice. Would it not be better for the husband of 23 years to insist on talking to his wife first, just to make sure she is a complete bitch and not just clinically depressed ?? Just a thought \ alternative POV.
Author KCCO Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 Thanks everyone. I certainly seem to have started off a bit of a debate and I'm sorry about my comments about bitterness - they weren't meant to be rude. Anyway, long story short, I called her and left a message on her phone saying I'd been thinking a lot and hoped we could talk. She's agreed to meet me on Tuesday morning. So, I guess I might know more then. Now, what do I say? I certainly am going to try and hold myself together and not show her my truly wretched state. Pathetic, desperate and needy is not likely to impress her!
Steadfast Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Now, what do I say? I certainly am going to try and hold myself together and not show her my truly wretched state. Pathetic, desperate and needy is not likely to impress her! Why not be honest? I'd worry less about impressing her than trying to get to the bottom of the problem. That would be; what's really going on? Remember, the overwhelming majority of spouses who have stepped out will deny it with their last breath...until they are ready to talk. If you press it and say "I'd like you to tell me instead of finding out some other way" she probably turn defensive and accuse you of not trusting her. It is then you can remind her honesty is a key element of good character. I'm not one for putting on a front. Nothing wrong with letting her know this is wrecking you. Why wouldn't it? You love her and she's stepping away. Let it be a point of record. At the very least you deserve an explanation...even if it's something you don't want to hear. Here's one piece of advice to take along; if she hems, haws, acts distant or indecisive, politely excuse yourself and tell her you're willing to listen when she's willing to talk. Don't just sit there and hash over the same lame issue over and over. Go home and reload. How much of that you're willing to take is entirely up to you. Keep posting-
Steadfast Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 ...not one single poster is even open to the vague possibility that this may have been the cause of her current decision. Of course it's possible, but generally speaking those suffering from depression don't move away from their homes and loved ones to 'be alone'. Even if they're feeling unlovable/unloved. When people are sick they want to be home. Depression doesn't usually trump safety or security. With luck, the OP will find out the truth soon-
Author KCCO Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Well, we've just met and had a talk. She was very tearful and not the alien that was in front of me last week. I managed to stay calm, spoke softly, didn't lose my temper and did not criticise her. I told her that I understood that what she was doing what was right for her but told her that the last two weeks had been horrible. It had though taught me a lot and I'd realised I'd made mistakes. I said that all I wanted was a chance to rectify those mistakes and that loved her dearly. She started off by saying that she's been living a lie for some while and that she didn't feel anything for me. Nothing there at all she said. She didn't mention 'another man' and after a time she mellowed a little and said she needed more time to think. She wasn't saying no but she wasn't saying yes. In any event I said that I fully realised that if she did come back it would be hard work for both of us and that it may not work but a least we should try. Frankly, I don't know what else I could have done. I told her that I wouldn't be in touch, that I loved her and that she could have some time. I also said that I couldn't just be her friend. All in all I'm still in the same position - just waiting. How long I shall have to wait I just don't know. I'm still abolute wreck
Owl Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Rather than wait for her...work on yourself in the meantime. Move on. Start living your own life, instead of putting it on hold while she's trying to sort herself out. IF she comes back and IF at that point YOU are still interested in a relationship with her...then you can discuss next steps with her at that point. But in the meantime...start living your own life again. Take up a new hobby you've always wanted to do...resume an old one that was put on hold because you didn't have time to spend on it any longer. Start investing your time and energy into something other than her and your marriage.
Author KCCO Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 My wife saw one of my twin sons yesterday for lunch. She told him she was sorry for the all the hurt she was causing me but wouldn't then talk to him about the situation at all. She hasn't spoken to my other son for 5 weeks and that's just cruel. I'm guessing, but I think she doesn't want to speak to him because he's very angry and would give her 'both barrels!'
robf1971 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 . She didn't mention 'another man' and after a time she mellowed a little and said she needed more time to think. Before anyone accuses me of being bitter, Ive been through the same and it turned out there was no adultery. However I did enough checking to put 007 to shame. I am also reconciled with my wife now. You are doing yourself a grave injustice if you do not find out what is really going on. Sadly her comments have "gaslighting" written all over them. I may be wrong, I hope I am but there are too many red flags here.
robf1971 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Rather than wait for her...work on yourself in the meantime. Move on. Start living your own life, instead of putting it on hold while she's trying to sort herself out. IF she comes back and IF at that point YOU are still interested in a relationship with her...then you can discuss next steps with her at that point. But in the meantime...start living your own life again. Take up a new hobby you've always wanted to do...resume an old one that was put on hold because you didn't have time to spend on it any longer. Start investing your time and energy into something other than her and your marriage. Totally agree. Forget rescuing her, this is all about rescuing yourself...
Author KCCO Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 OMG! Many of you were right and what a complete fool I've been! I finally decided that I had the courage etc. to look at her old phone and I'm now certain she has been having an affair for 2 years!!!! She's lied and cheated and decieved me and then had the gall to pretty much blame me for the break up. She's being having secret meetings with this guy regularly but told me I was just being paranoid when she was out. She also clearly lied to and deceived her sons. Actually, I know him a little. He's a motorcycle mechanic who is married and a well know cheater. I feel a bit better for finally knowing what is going on. I have sent her a message a couple of hours ago to which I have yet to have a reply. It read- 'You said I was too controlling. You dismissed my concerns as paranoia as did I. What a fool I've been. You lied to me for nearly 2 years and worse, you decieved the boys. One word.....(his name) Oh (my wife) how could you! When and if you finally want to tell the truth you know where I am'
wuggle Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Bugger I was hoping this wasn't going to be the case. Why do they always cheat with lesser men as well ? I really don't think you should be calling yourself a fool though, she was your wife, you were supposed to be able to trust her. At least now as others have said you can move forward and start to look after yourself, rather than worrying about being there for her. Take care and good luck.
2.50 a gallon Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Now that you know the truth, as painful as it is, you can move on. Dump her, and start looking for her replacement. First step blow up her little fantasy world. Talk to the OM's wife and give her all of the details
sumdude Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 (edited) Sorry to hear that some of our suspicions proved true. Don't take on too much blame or be too hard on yourself. You're not a fool, just a man who trusted and believed his wife. I remember too well the sinking feeling and being sick to my stomach as soon as I started to realize how much I had been lied to. Don't expect to ever get the whole truth or even most of it. Besides, are you sure you want to know details? You know what you need to know. Like others said, now you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. Your kids are grown and you're going to go through a rough ride here. Sleep well, eat well, exercise and be good to yourself. Your wife checked out of the relationship emotionally a while ago. There's no going back...only forward with your life. Get out and start doing all those things you had in the back of your mind but didn't do because you were married or had other priorities. Right now for a while it's all about you. Be a little selfish, it's ok. Start talking to a lawyer now just preliminary work. You'll want to be a step ahead of things. Good luck and we're here for you if you need a place to vent and ask questions. Edited May 2, 2011 by sumdude
Author KCCO Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Thank you everyone for your advice and concern. I really do value it. She has finally got back to me by text and guess what? She tried to blame me by saying 'no happy person ever had an affair'. I told her that she was my wife and that I should be able to trust her. I also told her not to blame me and said she chose an affair over working on our relationship. She said sorry but of course she is not. No way! I cannot believe this is the woman I have known and loved for 26 years! I shall never trust anyone again.
soserious1 Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 There seems to be a bumper crop of middle aged folks who call it quits once they've finished rearing their children to adulthood, this forum is littered with stories of 20 yr plus marriages ending. As painful as things are right now,there is a bright side, the children are adults now, there will be no child support payments to worry about and chances are good if she wants out badly enough she'll agree to divide the marital assets in a way that's favorable to you. You also might be pleasantly surprised to find that women will find you quite attractive in the dating world & that many of them will be a good 10-15 years younger than your wife. You will be able to resume a life that's based on you, no longer having to put her first in your considerations, you've raised your kids, done your jobs as parents, time now to meet your own needs as individuals again.
worlybear Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 There seems to be a bumper crop of middle aged folks who call it quits once they've finished rearing their children to adulthood, this forum is littered with stories of 20 yr plus marriages ending. As painful as things are right now,there is a bright side, the children are adults now, there will be no child support payments to worry about and chances are good if she wants out badly enough she'll agree to divide the marital assets in a way that's favorable to you. You also might be pleasantly surprised to find that women will find you quite attractive in the dating world & that many of them will be a good 10-15 years younger than your wife. You will be able to resume a life that's based on you, no longer having to put her first in your considerations, you've raised your kids, done your jobs as parents, time now to meet your own needs as individuals again. Rather a simplistic viewpoint! It may work ok for the guys but why is it necessary to assume that new dates will be 10-15 yrs younger? Also, many of these younger women have still got young children so you may end up parenting all over again- and no I've not got an agenda here as a 50+ soon to be divorced female with a 9 yr old, still living at home, I'm too old to be of interest (according to this criteria) and have the added baggage of a school-age child-so what do I do, look for a toyboy or shoot myself for being totally past it?
Author KCCO Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Yes I agree, it is simplistic. That said I can't see the way out of my despair at the moment so another relationship is the last thing on my mind. I am trying to keep going but it is by far the hardest thing I've ever done.
SoleMate Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Please do whatever you can to get her to a doctor. Depression is a very real possibility. You don't have a day to lose.
Author KCCO Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Solemate, given that she's having or has had an affair why would you say all this may be due to her depression. I'm puzzled.....please explain.
Owl Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Affairs and depression can often go hand in hand. An affair is often a coping mechanism that someone tries to use to deal with their depression rather than seek treatment for it. With that said...it's also not your job to "fix her" anymore. At this point...you need to spend a bit of time trying to sort out what you want from all of this. Time to define and set a few goals. Personally, I'd suggest that you go NC (no contact) with her for a few days while you do this. Clear your mind and heart a little bit, and try to sit back and review the situation to let yourself decide on your goals. Once you know what you want...then you can plan out a course of action to get it from there. This forum can be an excellent resource for you to develop that plan of action once you've decided what it is you want to accomplish.
Author KCCO Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Want do I want? My life back and not to be in a position of not carng if I died tomorrow. You guys must be sick of hearing from me I'm so pathetic. I think we're into the mind games now. I've just had a text to say she's in H**** (200 miles away) but she'll come round to fetch some papers on Friday. Why the hell do I need to know she's 200 miles away!? Probably 'cause she wants me to wonder what she's up to! She still hasn't confronted anything as far as I'm concerned and my sons have told me I should call her and read her the riot act for treating me so badly. Their view is that after 23 years of marriage I deserve better and should not let her get away with her behaviour. On balance though I'll stick with my 180 plan. Trouble is, should I be in or not when she comes 'round on Friday?
sumdude Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Want do I want? My life back and not to be in a position of not carng if I died tomorrow. You guys must be sick of hearing from me I'm so pathetic. I think we're into the mind games now. I've just had a text to say she's in H**** (200 miles away) but she'll come round to fetch some papers on Friday. Why the hell do I need to know she's 200 miles away!? Probably 'cause she wants me to wonder what she's up to! She still hasn't confronted anything as far as I'm concerned and my sons have told me I should call her and read her the riot act for treating me so badly. Their view is that after 23 years of marriage I deserve better and should not let her get away with her behaviour. On balance though I'll stick with my 180 plan. Trouble is, should I be in or not when she comes 'round on Friday? You are not pathetic at all. You're confused, hurt and feeling like you're in a Twilight Zone episode where one day some alien came and replaced your wife with someone(thing) else. I surprised you're not posting more. Her letting you know she's on a trip sounds really familiar to me. She's running around having fun (not sure but likely) while you're sitting around wondering what's up. Actually i wouldn't be there Friday. In fact find yourself something fun to do, even if you have to fake it. Go fishing with a buddy, see a movie.. something that let's you know you're still living life and not sitting around waiting on her. As far as second guessing everything you do and the 180. Remember the 180 is for yourself, not to try and win her back. Though it's hard not to try. Thing is nothing you do can change her. Nothing you do can control her actions. All you have control over is your actions. You can't change the past or predict the future, just try to live in now. Mostly I would leave her be right now.
UnsureinSeattle Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Borther, you're not pathetic. You're hurt. And post here as much as you want- that's what this forum is for.
Owl Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Here's my suggestion... I get that you want your old marriage back. But you know that this can't happen. I'm not saying that reconciliation in the future is out of the question...but you know that you can't 'go back' at this point. Given that...start working through some REAL goals, actual possible outcomes from this situation. Figure out what you want...figure out what it's going to take to get it...develop a plan to do what it's going to take...and implement your plan. Right now, your wife has all the power, all the decision making options. Not because she's stronger, but because you're not taking charge of your half of the known universe. Decide what you want...and start working to make it happen. Far better alternative to sitting there hurting while your wife makes all the choices and furthers her own goals at your expense. So...start working on some goals and plans to get reach them.
Author KCCO Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 OK Owl what do you suggest? My marriage was not restrictive - I had hobbies and interests and indulged them. I was very happy with my wife up until recently and was pleased with my life. She took that pleasure away and, having achieved my goals, what's left? I was looking forward to the rest of my life with her and now, in all probability, that's not going to happen. I've served my purpose. I've been a dutiful husband and reasonable father. My sons will go soon and my wife has fled. My family was my life and it's pretty much gone . She, at 48, wants a new life without me. I was content with the old one. I may be able to carve out a new life but it's not the one I truly wanted. I had what I strove for. She's destroyed it. Why can't people just be nice to each other!?
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