bslchump Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 (edited) I ran across a picture of her I thought I had deleted, and all the crappy feelings just washed back over me. I really wanted to talk to her, and I even picked up the phone to call, but I stopped myself to make this post instead. I don't think she would tell me anything that would help. She's got her new boyfriend and I'm all upset and bitter still. But I still just want to talk to her like we used to. I can't help but feel like I miss everything about her, even though I'm probably just slanting it. I want to look at her picture and feel nothing, but all I see is that she's so pretty and doubts seep in. I can't stay mad at her, even though I should. It's just a blanket of sadness and doubt. I half-wish she would call or text or something. I've been gone a month and all I've heard is a few business-y texts a few weeks ago. I want to know if she misses me like I miss her, but probably not. How is this fair that I have to feel like this and to all outward appearances she's totally cool? Edit: Oh yeah, and I miss my dog. I raised him from a puppy with her and now I never get to see him again. How is that fair? How can I stop these horrible, god-awful memories from popping into my head, because they're absolutely killing me right now. Edited April 21, 2011 by bslchump
smudge21 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Been four weeks today since we said goodbye and I know how you're feeling. I don't have any pictures to hand, but we have mutual friends on FB, so occasionally I'll see a picture... and it hurts. I've stopped searching for info (since finding out about wedding stuff) as I know that the results will only bring me pain. It's really tough, but it's good to know there's others out there who are going through the same and understand. It's so hard to remove someone from your mind in only a few weeks when you've spent so many months (sometimes years) thinking about them, and loving them.
CrazyMiner Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Hi bslchump. I really feel for you and know exactly what you are going through. My ex gf of 8 years told me that she wanted to separate 6 weeks ago. We had just brought a house together and everything seemed to be going great. I'm still in the house we brought waiting to find someone to rent it, and all over the walls are pictures of us on holidays etc, pictures of her family (who I love very much) and mine, and although I know I should take them down I just can't bring myself to do it. When I look at them they make me smile for a second, but then I just start to get upset. Talking to her like we used to is what I really miss as well. Due to work she had to be away for around 2-3 nights a week, but we would always talk twice a day when she wasn't home, once after work and then once before bed to wish each other sweet dreams. People keep telling me that I should be mad at her, she did leave me after all. But all I can feel is love for her, I can't feel angry as she was my Faye, my lover for 8 years. Everyday that I don't hear from her I just feel crap. When you go from speaking to someone twice a day when their not around to not hearing anything at all apart from the odd fortnightly business phone call where she sounds completely different over the phone and any chat appears to be forced on her end, it is very difficult to take in. My ex appears cool on the outside... she goes out partying every weekend now which she didn't do before and is drinking with friends a lot more during the week at the pub. It appears she has found her 'freedom' and wants to explore it. I know what you're going through, and it is hard. The best thing to do is just think that things are going to get better. It may take a long time, but each day is a step in the right direction. Keep yourself busy, go out and do things you haven't done before, meet new friends... even though I hurt each and every day doing these things is starting to help me. Best of luck.
Author bslchump Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 (edited) Now she's in my head first thing in the morning. All I can think about is how good she looks in that picture and how much I miss her. It honestly feels like I'm back to square 1. Thinking about her with another guy is making my stomach churn. I want to contact her so badly. It hasn't been this strong since we first broke up. It's driving me insane that she hasn't tried to contact me. I've even considered calling her mother just to see how the ex is doing. This is going to be a lousy day Edited April 21, 2011 by bslchump
SDA Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Now she's in my head first thing in the morning. All I can think about is how good she looks in that picture and how much I miss her. It honestly feels like I'm back to square 1. Thinking about her with another guy is making my stomach churn. I want to contact her so badly. It hasn't been this strong since we first broke up. It's driving me insane that she hasn't tried to contact me. I've even considered calling her mother just to see how the ex is doing. This is going to be a lousy day I had one of these moments the other week. It'll pass I promise.
Author bslchump Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Is emailing her that I'm having an awful time a bad idea? She was my support system for so long that it feels like a leg has been lopped off. I feel like I'm going to get a generic response along the lines of: "hey, I'm sorry for everything. I didn't mean to hurt you. I hope you feel better." and it's just going to suck that that's all I get. 5 years and all I get is "I didn't mean to hurt you".
healingmovingon Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I feel you on what you are going through. I thought I was doing so much better--then this morning had an intense dream about him. Woke up and fell back asleep and had ANOTHER one. Something about this break-up and all the doubt it left me with is nagging at my subconscious. All the feelings of why wasn't I good enough? Did he care as much as I did? What is the new g/f like? Have they slept together? Uggh. I need to change the channel in my head and get busy today. Good luck!
Fufu Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Is emailing her that I'm having an awful time a bad idea? She was my support system for so long that it feels like a leg has been lopped off. I feel like I'm going to get a generic response along the lines of: "hey, I'm sorry for everything. I didn't mean to hurt you. I hope you feel better." and it's just going to suck that that's all I get. 5 years and all I get is "I didn't mean to hurt you". I will not recommend you to e-mail her. You will not get what you want to her and I believe you know thi as well. Maintain your NC. I can understand the pain. Right now, focus on yourself, heal your emotional wounds, maintain your NC and look forward to moving on.
Author bslchump Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Ok, so this might sound silly, but why hasn't she tried to contact me at all? It's not like -I- did anything wrong, and I've been one of the only consistent people in her life for 5 years. Every time we saw each other she would get upset and maybe even cry (the last time we saw each other she bawled for a good 15 minutes straight). She's now in our old apartment together surround by all of our old stuff. Sure, she's technically in a LDR with this new guy, but wouldn't someone have to be a sociopath to not feel anything? Does she still think about me? I guess it's good for me that she hasn't, but I don't know why she hasn't. Maybe she is upset but she's just throwing herself into this relationship to occupy her mind? That strikes ms as so bizarre. She's such a needy person and she chooses to go into a LDR where they never see each other? It's all online! I just wish I knew if I was still on her mind. I think about her every day and it is awful to imagine her not thinking about me.
Author bslchump Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Haha, after posting my previous message, she texted me. She said she hoped I was doing well and that she missed me. I didn't send anything back, but suddenly the urge to contact her surged up. Tell me again why I shouldn't respond?
Author bslchump Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 It's tough to describe. Geographically speaking, we couldn't get back together even if we both wanted to. All of these answers are more about me being able to deal with the breakup. I actually feel better on a day-to-day basis when I know her life isn't all sunshine and buttercups. Or that she still thinks about me. It adds insult to injury to think I've been forgotten. So I guess I'll maintain NC? I don't really know what I'm accomplishing, or what I'm making her think, but that seems to be the consensus on these boards. I've stayed away from threads titled, "Why you shouldn't do NC" and the like, because i'll only convince myself to contact her. I don't need any nudges in the wrong direction, but nudges in the RIGHT direction always help affirm my thoughts.
PinkChic Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I also (3 years ago now) was in a 5 year relationship where we JUST bought a home together and had a dog... whom we both raised together... I ended up keeping him (he was my valentine gift) and I will tell you for a good year everytime I looked at our dog I saw all the memories of him and I raising our first dog together... all the crazy, funny stories we had... we were so proud to be "puppy parents" and he was litterally our baby... and I am sure everytime your ex looks at it she feels the same way... I was emotionally checked out of my relatinship a good year before it ended so it was not a very difficuly break up for me and I still looked at our dog and thought those thoughts for a long time... in fact, I was cleaning out my desk at work just this week and I found pictures from when my dog was a baby and they brought back memories of my ex... Not that I ever gave him the option of keeping our dog, but I remember him saying to me "I could never keep him because for the next 15-20 years everytime I looked at him I would think of you"... I think we all think that just because we were the dumpee that it isn't also difficuly for the dumper... they too were use to us being in their lives for so long as well... It's not easy for her either... I'm not defending her as she was the one who dumped you, but just know she thinks about you also. Happy Healing..
Author bslchump Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Thanks, Pink. That really helped. I hope she does think of me when she looks at him. He was our baby, just like yours. It was almost impossible putting him back on the ground that last time. I'll stick to NC with this text and see if she texts again. I hope she does, but I also hope she doesn't. It's so weird having such conflicting thoughts.
Sassygirl2 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I think if you contact her about something like "the dog" it's ok. As long as you are not pleading or asking or begging her to come back. I think NC is for us to heal because everytime we speak to them, we go back and start over from the beginning (when we got dumped). I have been in the NC phase for one week but I texted him tonight asking about "the dog" we just adopted together 2 months ago.....she lives with me and he would take her to his place when he had his kids two weekends a month. He dumped last weekend after a big fight we had. I acted horribly and he just told me he was done. We had been together over a year and we were just looking for a house to rent together 2 weeks ago. Tonight he called me about the dog after I texted him if he could talk about her. I was very nice and upbeat because I didn't want him to know how bad I'm hurting. I know he expects me to call him begging to take me back.....so I am not going to do that. I do want to figure out what to do with the dog. I am very attached to her and don't want to give her up to him or anyone. We had gotten her on the premise that we were going to be moving into a house soon. We both live in apartments right now and it's hard to have a dog without a yard. Plus how the heck do you "share" a dog? Sorry to go on about my own issue. I just wanted to say that I don't know if I agree with the NC for one month or whatever some people recommend. Sometimes there are things we have to talk about like adults (like the kids, or the pets, or the items belonging to the other). I think we all want the dumper to come back to us but it sounds like it doesn't happen very often. I think NC is to protect us and help us grow so that the blow to our self-esteem can be lessened somewhat. Hang in there - you will make it.
Author bslchump Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 I appreciate your post, Sassy. The only reason I wouldn't contact her in this case is because it's not critical I do so. If she told me he was hit by a car or he ran away, I'd definitely call back ASAP. But this was just kind of a meandering "How are you? I hope things are ok. I miss you" text. It didn't feel like a "I miss you as a boyfriend", it felt like a "I miss having someone actually around me". I don't need that. I need a text that says "I'm sorry for everything. I want to be with you. I don't know what I was thinking". Then I'll talk to her like a "friend".
sms Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I can understand you completely! My boyfriend of 10 years (living together for 8) broke up with me in February and it really still hurts. I'm trying NC but we still had some business to take care and after 8 days of NC we talked or texted almost everyday last week. Only business tough. We also had a dog and he kept him and doesn't let me see him. I miss him very much and i have decided that after some time has passed and i feel stronger, i will try again for him to let me see the dog. Keep strong with NC. It's very difficult and i've failed sometimes (i can understand that overwhelming urge to call you talk about). And he also had a kind of friends talk with me over the phone (even tough he told me before he didn't want to be friends with me), but i texted him saying that i'm not up to that kind of talk with him. Like you i understood that i can only allow that kind of talk if he aknowledges that he was wrong in the way he did things and sincerely apologises. Take care. 1
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