BS has OW letters to H thinking of returning them to OW, thoughts?

[Baroness67]

No way would I return them. I'd tell my husband I burned them and/or disposed of them and then I'd keep them locked away somewhere. No way would I contact the OW for any reason. You owe her no courtesies.

 

My personal feeling is that my H and the OW put me in the position of having every right to defend my own position. Such letters might have no use for me today, but today is not tomorrow. I have given up the idea that I can ever predict tomorrow.

 

I also liked the little analogy about a gift-giver having a reasonable expectation that their gift won't be used against them, but that's a little bit of a stretch to compare a business transaction made in good faith to secret writings between affair partners. If anything, if I write a secret love letter to someone who in a committed relationship, to the contrary, I should fully understand that I am risking that this transgression might come back to bite me where the sun don't shine.

 

It's basic intelligence. If you do something that could come back to harm you in the future, maybe you should consider not doing it at all.

[White Flower]

I'm getting sick of your false accusations and your untruthful spin on things and I find it tiresome that you go OT in threads just to attack me. What you do here and elsewhere in the forum is twisted and sick because I'm NOT nor is anyone else here your personal whipping post.

Amen to that BB07.

[Rooke]

I'm getting sick of your false accusations and your untruthful spin on things and I find it tiresome that you go OT in threads just to attack me. What you do here and elsewhere in the forum is twisted and sick because I'm NOT nor is anyone else here your personal whipping post.

 

Well said BB. She did the same to me. Luckily the poster is intelligent enough to agree with me that she asked for OW opinions and that's what she got.

[White Flower]

My question is I am considering sending the letters back to the OW who I have met once, the day my husband confessed actually. I am examining my motives for this so have not yet set them on. But I do know that part of me thinks that if I were in her shoes, I would not want those letters out there in the world and I would appreciate knowing they would not ever see the light of day. I would of course let her know it was me NOT my husband sending them to her - don't want her to delude herself into thinking he was making contact.

 

I would say something in the note to accompany the letters as follows.

 

Here are the letters you wrote my husband from last February, I thought you might appreciate getting them back. Thank you for respecting our request for NC. I hope that your life is going well and you have found someone to care for you who is available to care for you.

 

I wish you well, peace

 

Is this a bad idea?, good idea? thoughts are appreciated

OK, I'm going to be the voice of dissent here.

 

Ashvllgrl,

 

I happen to be the OW who has such a letter in the hands of the BW and I want it back. When I read your OP I put myself in the place of your H's exOW and thought it was a respectable thing to do, especially given the way you phrased your intentions.

 

I did not feel your words were snarky or smacked of revenge. Perhaps I have more faith in people, even in BW, than most. Yes, by you sending the letters back you demonstrate a measure of control which is only natural after having your world turned upside down. If she is as intelligent as you claim, she will recognize and accept this.

 

My MM's BW hired a PI and gave him an envelope full of pictures of us together. He called me to end the A, but promised to bring me the photos because he didn't want them floating around to be discovered by his kids or anyone. He delivered on his promise and I now have the pictures, all innocent of course. It would be nicer if your H would hand-deliver the letter to her, but I understand your concern about that.

 

If you store those letters in the shed you risk the chance of never doing anything about the matter. Should something happen to you and your kids have to help Dad clear things out of the shed you wouldn't want them finding those letters. Knowing what happened and seeing him in that light will hurt them. This is my concern. My letter was more of an essay written about MM's entire serial cheating life. Should his kids find it they will learn about the day he lost his virginity to all the sex he's had to present day. Not a good document to find. He was a fool to have not left it with his IC who it was written for. For some reason he brought it home and stored it in his private desk in the garage, a 'man's domain'. His W hunted through his private things and found that along with Ex Spouse papers from the lawyer's office.

 

 

Actually, since my husband gave them to me they ARE legally and technically mine.

I don't know if you would consider my essay legally hers since he did not give it to her, but she has it. She claimed that she got rid of it, but she did not dispose of it in from of him like she did the CDs that came from the PI's office. The CDs were back-ups of the pics of us, and had other pertinent info such as my address, etc. I believe she would keep it because it demonstrates how much more I knew about her H than she did. He kept many, many secrets about his past from her. I might be tempted to keep it if I were her, but I would also struggle with knowing how much better the OW would feel having it back, especially given that I also wrote about myself. And not wanting the kids to stumble upon it one day would probably be my deciding factor.

 

MM/exMM (he's still trying to get me back) continues to search for that essay. He wants peace of mind for me as well as for himself.

 

Another scenario would be to burn or shred the letters, but have your H send a joint email with you to her stating that you did so, yet it might also be overwhelming because it can be perceived as two against one. Having him send the email on his own, she might be more apt to believing him, not that you are untrustworthy but as many suggested here, she MAY feel if coming from you alone that it was a vindictive act. I doubt it though because you and she both seem to be intelligent women. I liked BB's idea of asking whether she wants them back.

 

I was once a BW. I found some containers that my exH had at our business and I knew immediately who they came from. I took them to her office and placed them on her desk. She invited me to sit down and have a nice little chat. I never had to confront her, the containers did the talking for me. She never came around our business again, not with homemade food for my exH anyway, and I began D proceedings. That's the condensed version, lol.

 

I would be very interested in knowing how this story ends. Please keep us updated.

[BB07]

Well said BB. She did the same to me. Luckily the poster is intelligent enough to agree with me that she asked for OW opinions and that's what she got.

 

 

It's a he, unless I'm badly mistaken and the only way to handle it is report when he gets vulgar and nasty with his posts, which seems to be a regular occurrence.

[SoleMate]

Just shred or burn the letters, preferably with H. That way privacy is maintained.

 

Like so many others have said, returning them to the OW only invites drama and problems. It reopens a door that should stay closed.

 

The most considerate and ethical thing is for you and your H to maintain lifetime NC with the OW so everyone can move on.

[seren]

The OW sent me copies of text messages between her and my H, also a couple of letters. I burnt them without reading them, I didn't need to. Different I know, but the A is over and as the OW has maintained NC sending her letters might indeed be painful for her, she might even be in a relationship herself and they may cause problems for her.

 

The day I felt we had turned a corner, I burnt my venting journals and all letters, including those from OW to me. I get the wanting to do the right thing, but to echo others, to send them breaks NC.

[anne1707]

The day I felt we had turned a corner, I burnt my venting journals and all letters, including those from OW to me. I get the wanting to do the right thing, but to echo others, to send them breaks NC.

 

Just a few months ago I found something the ex-OM had given me. I had totally forgotten about it and did not realise it was there - I was just having a major clear out. My reaction? Straight in the bin it went. It meant nothing to me anymore.

[White Flower]

Burn em, if she was desperate to get them back she would have asked a long time ago.

Hey dreaming, I replied to your PM but your inbox is full. I'll send when you're ready.

[tami-chan]

No way would I return them. I'd tell my husband I burned them and/or disposed of them and then I'd keep them locked away somewhere. No way would I contact the OW for any reason. You owe her no courtesies.

 

lol..this is a good way to start afresh...lie to your cheating husband! He does not deserve the truth anyway. Awesome way to breath life into a marriage!

 

My personal feeling is that my H and the OW put me in the position of having every right to defend my own position. Such letters might have no use for me today, but today is not tomorrow. I have given up the idea that I can ever predict tomorrow.

 

I agree! You must absolutely hang on those things. Keep it in a secret place and from time to time, re-visit it-read and get lost in the words that were written-imagine the emotions. It is a good way to always have your guard up! Never find yourself ill-prepared to do battle-that's right, this is all about defending your position!

 

I also liked the little analogy about a gift-giver having a reasonable expectation that their gift won't be used against them, but that's a little bit of a stretch to compare a business transaction made in good faith to secret writings between affair partners. If anything, if I write a secret love letter to someone who in a committed relationship, to the contrary, I should fully understand that I am risking that this transgression might come back to bite me where the sun don't shine.

 

Morality and ethics after all is in the eye of the beholder~! Apply them when it helps your case. Do away with then when they don't!

 

[Rooke]

It's a he, unless I'm badly mistaken and the only way to handle it is report when he gets vulgar and nasty with his posts, which seems to be a regular occurrence.

 

Oh really? That's even worse. I can totally understand that it offends people but if does then why come looking for it?!

[White Flower]

Oh really? That's even worse. I can totally understand that it offends people but if does then why come looking for it?!

 

Because some people absolutely love wallowing in their own misery and pulling others in to share it with them.

[dreamingoftigers]

Because some people absolutely love wallowing in their own misery and pulling others in to share it with them.

 

Some folks have interests that turn into repeated behaviours and compulsions related to trauma.

 

This isn't to say that that poster has this per se.

 

What does happen in some cases though is that a shameful incidence happens life (i.e. being on the blunt end of infidelity). Often the relationships that had infidelity as a factor were intense with poorly-managed conflict to begin with. The intensity of a relationship alone can be a huge drawing factor to the brain, whether it be positive or negative intensity.

 

In my own relationship the first 3 years were overflowingly filled with positive intensity that was almost rigidly expected.

 

That shattered upon the eve of my husband's arrest. Then the relationship started to become negative and then the intensity of that exponentially increased with each round of adultery/porn abuse etc.

 

This actually put my unhealthy self into a position of investing in saving the relationship even more intensely. You see, the brain can get very hooked on intense reactions, whether they are positive or negative. Rageaholics get hooked on the triggers and losing their tempers for instance.

 

Being on the blunt end of infidelity is an extremely intense experience that also causes intense shame, so a possible way to escape that is to seek out the trigger for the rage and then shame others who are actively involved in it.

 

My guess is that if a poster on here was spending hours a day seeking out reminder-triggers of infidelity and that shaming others and raging over the injustice of it all, that he is avoiding shame (maybe not even over the infidelity, but the trigger works so well).

 

I would also guess that it provides a somewhat cathartic relief, albeit temporarily.

 

I would also guess that it would become progressive. Starting with reading posts and being shocked, trying to help someone who has been betrayed, or tell a cheating spouse to knock it off because it hurts others. Then it grows to confronting someone on their attitude, to outright shame and insulting and then even seeking out a broader range of triggers. Like going into the OW forum to get in on those posts. Or going after specific posters that trigger a feeling of offence.

 

The anonymity of it all allows greater freedom in seeking those triggers and venting. All intense, all secretive (therefore having the potential to be quite addictive), and all from the comfort of your bed or living room. Plus, the internet is here 24/7 and LS delivers fresh cheating meat day to day.

 

Avoidance of personal shame, intensity to relieve it and those that shame back or fight back in anger reinforce the shame and self-righteous feelings. It feels like a victory against the cheaters of the world. Another aspect is that going after other posters that have not technically cheated or accusing bystanders of being complicit in the cheating provides a bigger bang for the buck. These bystander posters are more likely to strike back and either "feign innocence" which gives the OP the rage fuelling feeling and looks to him like 'avoidance' or the posters are likely to lash back much harder, which again fuels the rage and intensity.

 

My guess is that anyone who has any remote connection to cheating (even if they have long since absolved their history) and appear to be avoidant would be a prime target, as well as the exact opposite end of the spectrum, the proud proud cheater. Both would provide a fair-sized explosion.

 

I personally suspect that bitterness has very little to do with it.

 

Personally I find certain aspects of LS to be somewhat addictive in fulfilling my needs.

 

1. I have codependency issues so having others with issues that I may be able to support is a bit of a drug.

 

2. I love to read, I easily spend hours a day doing it. My grandmother taught me to read very young and she raised me for the first 7 years of my life and then left me to my crazy parents. Reading was often my only escape and my academic abilities were the only aspect of my childhood where I recall frequent praise. Also reading makes me feel closer to my grandmother, who my brain bonded with as a mother.

 

3. I have developed major social anxiety due to trauma from my husband. His ways in public would leave me feeling very uncomfortable and instead of being supportive and understanding he would often blow up at me because he felt attacked by my sadness. He would be explosive over the fact that "yes women triggered him heavily but did I have to be so ****ing xyz about it."

Thus I have become rather sick/stressed feeling venturing out in public and that has somewhat limited my social connections.

 

I have been taking active steps to go into public more often. (i.e. grocery store) and I try to limit my time until I can shake the "breaking down and crying feeling and the sick to my stomach feeling). It is also quite shaming to have these feelings in public, so that makes it harder. I never had this problem in any way shape or form before my husband's behaviours started and I used to enjoy public speaking. Loveshack gives me a safe place to socialize among others that might understand my situations. It has helped restore certain confidences.

 

4. The addictive intensity of my own relationship gets relived on my threads and with some other posters. I am also hooked by forwarding other women helpful information about sex/porn addiction because not many in society know what it is or how to even begin to approach it. It feels like my mini-victory against the force that helped destroy my family.

 

LS can be a great tool for healing and relating or it can be a tool to limit healing and relating depending on how it is used.

 

Happy Posting:)

 

My PM box has room now, fire away

[White Flower]

My PM box has room now, fire away

Wow dreaming, what a post!

 

I'm glad that you're able to get out more and that you're helping others to learn and cope with addiction. So many don't understand sex-addiction.

 

You quoted me above in which I answered another poster about wallowing in misery. I hope you didn't think that was about you dear, because it wasn't. It's the one-liners who don't come here to offer help. YOU, OTOH, offer help whenever you can.

[BB07]

Wow DOT that was one heck of a post.

You have an incredible amount of insight into yourself and what makes you tick.

 

As for your theory about why someone might take pleasure in being nasty here, you could be right and I could have some understanding of it but still that does not excuse it nor make it defensible. I read with interest the part of your post as to why "certain" posters might trigger someone as I've wondered why I seem to trigger this particular poster strongly. I didn't find a ahhh haaa moment when I read that part of it as I feel as if I've owned my crap pretty well and if I haven't I would hope the posters I respect would tell me so.

 

Bottom line, if being here at LS triggers someone that badly that they can't refrain from being nasty, they need to stay away. I'm not going to be nor should any other OW past or present be anyone's whipping post.

[1956peace]

Hi there,

As a BS I am going to suggest that since you and your husband are working out your marriage and I know that isn't an easy task, there is so much pain and so many trust issues to over come.......

why don't you and your husband burn them together like the end of a memory that shouldn't have happened..........an end in a sense of moving past the affair and on with the marriage......

The OW has probably moved on and it would only remind her and set her recovery back and she might try to contact your husband and you dont' want that to happen..........

keep looking forward, what is in the past should be there...........

good luck

[White Flower]

I would be very interested in knowing how this story ends. Please keep us updated.

What happened to you ashvllgirl?