BS has OW letters to H thinking of returning them to OW, thoughts?

[carhill]

Shredding and recycling is environmentally and relationship- friendly

[TurboGirl]

Wow, you HAVE your husband back, he's there, all yours. Why rub her nose in it? That's how I would take it... and you never know what anger & fury you might unleash there. If I were the OW, I would be super pissed that the xMM gave my letters to him (private!) to his wife. People can be crazy, why not just burn them out of the kindness of your heart?

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow, you HAVE your husband back, he's there, all yours. Why rub her nose in it? That's how I would take it... and you never know what anger & fury you might unleash there. If I were the OW, I would be super pissed that the xMM gave my letters to him (private!) to his wife. People can be crazy, why not just burn them out of the kindness of your heart?

 

How could those letters be considered private when she is his wife?

 

That is pretty far-fetched.

Part of their reconciliation would be for him to be transparent, that's the risk an OW takes.

[PhoenixRise]

How could those letters be considered private when she is his wife?

 

That is pretty far-fetched.

Part of their reconciliation would be for him to be transparent, that's the risk an OW takes.

 

 

This is true. I have emails, letters, and pictures (some pretty explicit) FOW sent to my H during the affair.

[alexandria35]

Wow, you HAVE your husband back, he's there, all yours. Why rub her nose in it? That's how I would take it... and you never know what anger & fury you might unleash there. If I were the OW, I would be super pissed that the xMM gave my letters to him (private!) to his wife. People can be crazy, why not just burn them out of the kindness of your heart?

 

 

Umm... I don't think married people are actually supposed to be receiving "private" love letters unless they are from the spouse.

 

To the OP I agree with the majority. It kind of sounds like you want to make it known to her that your husband let you have the letters and they are not something that he cherishes and keeps secret from you (can't say I blame if you for that if that's how it is) but if your true concern is that the OW might be worried about her letters being out there then just destroy them for her.

[bentnotbroken]

This is true. I have emails, letters, and pictures (some pretty explicit) FOW sent to my H during the affair.

 

 

So did I. Including sexual positions.

[Silly_Girl]

How could those letters be considered private when she is his wife?

 

That is pretty far-fetched.

Part of their reconciliation would be for him to be transparent, that's the risk an OW takes.

 

The answer to the bolded could be very different depending what side of the fence one is on!!

[Silly_Girl]

about them being "private"... I don't give a flying fig about that... what kind of "privacy" did she expect when she hooked up with a married man?

 

probably as much privacy as the two of them understood there to be. It may not be a 'reasonable ' expectation, but that does not mean there's no expectation.

[Summer Breeze]

I have a whole bunch of emails /facebook messages, etc. that she sent to my husband... ( he gave them to me)right from the first " I have a problem at work, can we get together and talk about it" to the ones stating " you know you wife is treating you horribly, and don't keep trying to deny that" to " the how could you do this to me, all this harrassment" as well as the umpteen ones that she sent to me.

 

I keep them for two reasons:

(a) she has a habit of crying "harassment" whenever a relationship with a co worker ends... these letters clearly show she was not coerced or harassed

 

(b) I also keep them because reading them from time to time is an excellent reminder to not let things get that bad again

 

 

 

about them being "private"... I don't give a flying fig about that... what kind of "privacy" did she expect when she hooked up with a married man?

 

Probably the same kind of privacy you expected from him. When someone says they love you and when you have intimate talks about things there is an expectation that most people have of privacy. I know your xOW is a maneater so not sure what goes on in her mind though.

 

I honestly never expected anything in the privacy area because I always knew that if there was a dday I would answer any questions and if she asked for any proof I would give it to her.

[dreamingoftigers]

So did I. Including sexual positions.

 

I got pictures too, yay.

[Summer Breeze]

If, as an xOW, his W had sent me back letters the first thing I would have thought is there's trouble in paradise and she's showing him her control. The note would have been read as a smokescreen and the whole act as some veiled message. I've got him or you'd better stay away. Something like that.

 

My reaction would be to immediately contact both her and my xMM and tell them the letters were being returned to him. They're a reminder of what we have and if he's past it or she wants to symbolize the end of things by burning them then have at it. It would feel like a slap in the face and I wouldn't be kind.

 

No matter what your intentions are don't start something she may misconstrue and fight back against. I wouldn't take kindly to it and all of the emotions and thoughts I quietly walked away with could well and truly be brought up and used to fire some shots of my own.

 

That's probably not what a good little OW should say but you can't assume that what you do with good intentions is going to be taken that way. You also can't expect to dredge up old emotions that were that intense and not realize the possibility she's going to hit back.

 

I think you said something in our OP about trying to sort what your intentions or motives are in thinking about doing this. Have you thought about it at all? Are there underlying issues you're looking to come to terms with? You've had some great feedback here. I hope if you're thinking of this because of any pain that's come back you get to feeling better and resolve it.

 

Take care

[ashvllgrl]

Thank you to all that replied. I appreciate the input. A few comments.

 

XOW here........(who did have several conversations with the BS after d-day and who thinks our last contact with each other was on as good of terms as possible.)

 

IMO if you really want to do this, I think you should contact her first by letter or email and ask her if she wants the letters back. She may have moved on and doesn't want any reminders of the affair and she may be married or in a serious relationship. Since you are being so gracious........I would definitely contact her first before you send them.

 

All of the replies to posts I've read from you have been intelligent and well considered. Thank you. Knowing a little about the OW, who appears to also be an intelligent, well considered woman, this would probably be the way to go. After reading other replies however, I am concerned that my motives may be misconstrued and as one person put it 'stir up drama'.

 

To me this idea was about resolution and for me the best way to resolve something hurtful is through a focused act of kindness. Focused as in directed toward the illdoer, act as in action which for me does not include 'no action' , Im just not made that way.

 

Don't get me wrong I am no holier than though saint - believe me my vanity and pride can attest to that. And I've certainly had some evil thoughts - just never acted on them and don't plan on starting now.

 

I need to do some more thinking.

 

No, don't send those letters to her, it's a very bad idea. What do you imagine she will do upon getting the letters? --------- Read them. Right? And what do you think her feelings/emotions/memories will be? ------ All stirred up again.

 

The LAST thing you want is for her to recall first hand how much in love she was with your husband, and what a hot affair they were having... because you are actually tempting her with beginning to obsessively think about, and want, what she once had.

 

Nicely put, and I did not think of this.

 

That's a slap in the face. There's no need to rub her nose in it (no disrespect) but it's almost as if you're saying "Well he chose me, I won" I think if you want rid of them, then burn them and they never have to see the light of day. You've asked her for NC and she's done it, so don't slap her in the face now, let it lie.

 

At the very least, I believe it will be hurtful to her, and as I believe your intent is to do good, that would be counterproductive.

 

I understand that burning letters like that can be cathartic. Maybe write one of your own to her wishing her peace and release from any pain and burn it with hers.

 

No letter (although it is nice, it could be perceived as poking at her). She could feel as if you are trying to humiliate her or brag that you are still married to him.

 

I think you have good intentions, but I do not think you should mail them to her.

 

 

Thank you Rooke and sadintexas and fooledagain, This is what I was concerned would be the reaction. Rooke appreciate your honesty and I am sorry for your hurt.

Sad, I will think about that letter wishing her peace. That may be at least a partial solution to what I am seeking.

 

 

I'm glad you are doing well and have recovered your marriage.

 

With the greatest respect, they're not your letters to do anything with. They were correspondence between the OW and your H. If you don't want them in the house, ask your husband to burn them or get rid of them.

Actually, since my husband gave them to me they ARE legally and technically mine.

 

There's a whole lot of ethics around mail and personal correspondence and you sending them back to OW would be an ethical and moral minefield.

 

Not sure what this means at all. I can understand if you are saying it would be hurtful, but why would it be an ethical or moral mindfield?

 

burn the letters and forget about her. She has clearly moved on with her life. You should too.

Clearly as evidenced by being on this board, even of this board's existence - moving on can be a process. This post is about moving on - sorting through residuals. By the way, the disrespect and belittlement of your tone is this sentence is quite telling as to the type of person you are.

 

I think as this forums prove, there are absolutely hundreds of us who find ourself in this situation because life isn't simply that "black and white"

We come here because I dare say regular forums would incur this kind of abuse and it's not necessary.

 

Well said Rooke and I agree. From reading this forum, it is clear that there are a whole range of folks posting about their experiences. A perspective you will not get if you only read forums for the betrayed which tend to characterize OW in a single mode.

 

Since I was acquainted with the OW as a friend of friend, and met and talked with her extensively the day before my husband confessed, my opinion of her as an individual in no way matched the one that one tend to see characterized on some forums. She was attractive, intelligent, funny, cared about her friends, even in the same type of work as I am which is an unusually one for a woman. To be honest, except for the hinky feeling I got watching her and my husband that night I liked her and would have pursued a friendship if things had been different. Which to say the least was a bit confusing in my emotional state after dday.

 

 

I would keep them.

For now this is what I am going to do. They along with my journals of this time in my life will be placed in the same box as are all my other old journals going back to high school (25 yrs worth) and placed back in the vault (our rather messy shed that takes a1/2 day to find anything in hence (the vault)) Like I said earlier. Back to the thinking board to accomplish my goal.

 

Eh em.. Positive thoughts please.

 

*Sprinkles happy fairy dust for ashvllgrl*

Thank you Emme, this is how I like to think, although I do have my person fight with the dark side (pessimism).

 

 

As to examining my motives which a few of you also mentioned. This is why I posted her. I am a kind person and have never, yes never, purposely hurt anyone, I am also not a "me first, I don't care how it affects you person as long as I get mine" either (my husband CAN be a little like this, as can the OW). But I also know I don't always see the world the way others do, so putting myself in there shoes before I act doesn't always keep me from causing someone else hurt.

 

Anyhow, I definitely admit that the pain I experienced from my husbands infidelity caused a crisis of conscience like I've never experienced before. I mean why was I being such a good person when all it got me was ****-on. Why don't I just act like it seemed everyone around me was and go out and selfishly go after my wants and well it was just too ****ing bad anyone who got hurt cause of my selfishness.

 

I also considered purposely hurting the OW and with a little planning have caused her emotional, physical, and work related hurt with no societal consequences for me.

 

But I didn't act on these thoughts. I was NOT going to let the selfish actions of my husband and the selfish actions of the OW cause me to change my fundamental core. i just don't want to live my life being that kind of person.

 

nuff said. and Thank you again for the input. Anyone who has ideas about a directed act of kindness would be appreciated.

[ashvllgrl]

My response to this conversation between Rooke and WorldIsYours below

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rooke

Most of the opinions that she has asked for in this particular forum are going to be from OW or XOW, so if that's your attitude, (and I think alot of people would agree with me) then it is most certainly not welcome here.

Hold on. Forgot to reply to this.

 

First of all "Rookie" this is a public board so I'm allowed to post where I want.

 

Quote:

I presume the reason she asked for opinions here is because she wanted to try and anticipate how the OW was going to feel.

Well isn't that nice, eh?

 

Quote:

If you are calling her "trash" then by default you are calling the rest of us "trash" so if this kind of situation offends you, then I suggest you don't look at these posts and therefore you won't have to be offended when you read them.

Secondly, you're the one getting offended over something posted on the internet, not me. If you don't like what I post, which is true by the way, then move alone or use your little ignore feature, I don't care.

 

Quote:

I was not suggesting that she was being "noble" by maintaining NC, but it could have been a very different story, and she has obviously respected that they want to work things out and left it alone when she perhaps could have been not so respectful at all.

So you're saying you didn't suggest she was being noble, but at the same time she is noble. This OW only left them alone after she got her "piece of the pie," not out of sheer guilt or because she all of a sudden had an attack of conscience.

 

 

 

As a Betrayed Spouse I just want to say I total agree with Rooke in this conversation. I am sorry WorldIsYours, I know how devastating the pain of this is. So much has already been taken from you - please don't let whatever infidelity story has befallen you take away joy and replace it with bitterness.

[BB07]

ashvllgrl, I think my first inclination about you was right. You are indeed a very classy, gracious lady and I hope you have found healing and peace and happiness in your heart.

 

Take care!

[Rooke]

Thankyou.

As I said, none of us OW condone this kind of behaviour, and another poster said, (I can't remember who) most OW regret the pain we cause however it's easier said than done to tear yourself away from someone you love. And falling in love isn't a choice, yes we chose who we like or who we're attracted to but you don't actively choose to fall in love. The same as most OW don't wake up one day and think "I'm going to have an affair with a married man" circumstances can be different for all cases.

If there was anyone that wishes as human beings we had something that made it IMPOSSIBLE to get involved with someone who is already committed, then it would definitely be me.

I'm sure if most of us OW could go back in time and avoid meeting that man who destroyed us then we would do that too.

Thankyou for your sympathy towards my situation, that was actually, very noble in the true sense of the word.

[Flabbergaster]

From what I've encountered, after they recover from their own pain many OW experience guilt over what they did to the BS. After recovery, they are able to 'put themselves in her shoes' a bit and realize how bad a thing it was. Often they didn't know he was M until their heart was already steering them.

 

If you want to do smt kind, don't send these letters back. She will likely have assumed they are destroyed, she won't worry about their existence. If they were a weapon, they would have been used by now.

Either keep them for your memoirs, or burn them and hope it releases all from some pain.

 

You could send her a short letter that you sometimes think of her, that you know she was hurt by all of this and have some sympathy for that, that you hope (pray, if you're religious) that she has moved past that pain and onto a happy life. That you do not hold hatred for her, do not blame her. That you forgive her involvement.

 

If either or both of you are religious, this will be very cathartic for you. If not, could still be very helpful for each of you to let go of the last bit of pain.

[kimpppp]

I hope you aren't seriously considering this. This will just add more insult to injury. Your husband persued this girl like a piece of meat until she finally gave in, used her and then kicked her to the curb. I would be willing to bet that she wants nothing to do with either of you. The only reason you should even consider contacting this girl is the find out the truth instead of the sugar-coated lies you were told. I get hit on by married guys all the time and the more you tell them to get lost, the harder they try to lure you in. They are more aggressive, will not take no for an answer and do not understand boundaries. This poor girl is probably feeling used, stupid and embarrassed. Sending her these letters is just rubbing all this in her face for no reason what so ever. You made your choice to stay with a dishonest, ruthless person who only cares about himself. Do not bother her, it is not her problem anymore. Sorry to be rude but, sending her those letters is so wrong on many levels.

[bentnotbroken]

I hope you aren't seriously considering this. This will just add more insult to injury. Your husband persued this girl like a piece of meat until she finally gave in, used her and then kicked her to the curb. I would be willing to bet that she wants nothing to do with either of you. The only reason you should even consider contacting this girl is the find out the truth instead of the sugar-coated lies you were told. I get hit on by married guys all the time and the more you tell them to get lost, the harder they try to lure you in. They are more aggressive, will not take no for an answer and do not understand boundaries. This poor girl is probably feeling used, stupid and embarrassed. Sending her these letters is just rubbing all this in her face for no reason what so ever. You made your choice to stay with a dishonest, ruthless person who only cares about himself. Do not bother her, it is not her problem anymore. Sorry to be rude but, sending her those letters is so wrong on many levels.

 

 

Many OW on this board have said over and over again, they don't have any special power over a MM to make him cheat....I agree. By the same token this man has no special power to make any woman do what she isn't inclined to do, especially if she knows he is married. If that is the case..it is called rape and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law....whether the man or the women is the rapist.

[Kismetly]

Actually, since my husband gave them to me they ARE legally and technically mine.

 

Not sure what this means at all. I can understand if you are saying it would be hurtful, but why would it be an ethical or moral mindfield?

 

Clearly as evidenced by being on this board, even of this board's existence - moving on can be a process. This post is about moving on - sorting through residuals. By the way, the disrespect and belittlement of your tone is this sentence is quite telling as to the type of person you are.

 

Ashvllgrl - I'm sincerely sorry if my tone was disrespectful and belittling. That absolutely wasn't my intention.

 

When I wrote it, I did consider "ownership" and you're right, your husband gave the letters to you so they are technically in your "owernship" right now (where lawful possession equates to "ownership"). Are they ethically yours? Well, ethicists could argue that 'round and 'round for days - and I've been interested in the discussion around if letters exchanged between an AP and WS can be considered "private" given the nature (or contract inherent in) your husband's primary relationship with you.

 

There has recently been a case in Law in one of the countries where I work where a gift of a piece of land was made to a Party to consolidate a tribal relationship, with the expectation that land would stay within that clan group and would benefit the relationship between the two tribes.

 

The land was then gifted to a 3rd party group who were in conflict with the first party - they used the land and the resources on the land to fight a war against the original landowners. The court found that the original owners had a right to expect that their "gift" would not be used against them. The decision was recently upheld in the High Court.

 

Likewise,the letters were exchanged, in good faith, between your husband's affair partner and himself. He passed the letters to you as a show of good faith and to consolidate your relationship. If you use the letters to achieve an outcome that is in your best interests .... is that in good faith (?) - or is it using them against her (?). It kind of doesn't matter what your motives are, it's her perception of the return that would be the dilemma.

 

As to examining my motives which a few of you also mentioned. This is why I posted her. I am a kind person and have never, yes never, purposely hurt anyone, I am also not a "me first, I don't care how it affects you person as long as I get mine" either (my husband CAN be a little like this, as can the OW). But I also know I don't always see the world the way others do, so putting myself in there shoes before I act doesn't always keep me from causing someone else hurt.

 

Anyhow, I definitely admit that the pain I experienced from my husbands infidelity caused a crisis of conscience like I've never experienced before. I mean why was I being such a good person when all it got me was ****-on. Why don't I just act like it seemed everyone around me was and go out and selfishly go after my wants and well it was just too ****ing bad anyone who got hurt cause of my selfishness.

 

I also considered purposely hurting the OW and with a little planning have caused her emotional, physical, and work related hurt with no societal consequences for me.

 

But I didn't act on these thoughts. I was NOT going to let the selfish actions of my husband and the selfish actions of the OW cause me to change my fundamental core. i just don't want to live my life being that kind of person.

 

nuff said. and Thank you again for the input. Anyone who has ideas about a directed act of kindness would be appreciated.

I'm not sure that any rational person ever sets out to deliberately hurt someone. Even narcissists aren't thinking about who they'll hurt - they are just thinking of themselves. You've mentioned that the OW appears to be an intellegent, reasonable woman. It's not likely that she entered into the affair with the intent to hurt you. Indeed her behaviour in respecting no-contact indicates that she does get it and it's likely that she has deep remorse for the impact her behaviour had on you and she's probably pretty hurt herself. (To be fair, she was probably misled by your husband in order to enter the affair in the first place - it's unlikely that she commenced an affair that grew into an emotional caring relationship if he was holding a line that he loved his wife, he was never going to leave her and she would only ever be a bit on the side.)

One of the reasons reasonable people chose not to engage in behaviour that is harmful to others, and presumably why you chose not to purposely hurt her when you would have liked to (although i would argue it was really your husband who really betrayed you and your relationship - certainly more so than OW who did not have a relationship with you to betray) is because hurting someone else, ultimately hurts us. We know that intuitively so we don't do it. I just re-read Crime and Punishment after 20 years - that tells the story!!

You are right that the journey to healing after such a painful experience is a process. However, it's your process and yours alone. Just as the OW will never gain healing through hashing over the pain and seeking "closure" with the WH, and it's inappropriate that she would try to, you won't get any healing by involving the OW in your journey.

A final point. You mention "that kind of person" a couple of times. You are not "that kind of person" and people who do things or say things that are not in line with your moral or ethical view of the world are "that kind of person". I'm not sure what "that kind of person" is - although I understand that it's not a compliment. I guess I wonder what "kind of person" holds their own behaviours and views as superior or better intetioned than someone elses without having walked in their shoes.

I wish you well and I am sorry if my original post offended you.

[bentnotbroken]

Ashvllgrl - I'm sincerely sorry if my tone was disrespectful and belittling. That absolutely wasn't my intention.

 

When I wrote it, I did consider "ownership" and you're right, your husband gave the letters to you so they are technically in your "owernship" right now (where lawful possession equates to "ownership"). Are they ethically yours? Well, ethicists could argue that 'round and 'round for days - and I've been interested in the discussion around if letters exchanged between an AP and WS can be considered "private" given the nature (or contract inherent in) your husband's primary relationship with you.

 

There has recently been a case in Law in one of the countries where I work where a gift of a piece of land was made to a Party to consolidate a tribal relationship, with the expectation that land would stay within that clan group and would benefit the relationship between the two tribes.

 

The land was then gifted to a 3rd party group who were in conflict with the first party - they used the land and the resources on the land to fight a war against the original landowners. The court found that the original owners had a right to expect that their "gift" would not be used against them. The decision was recently upheld in the High Court.

 

Likewise,the letters were exchanged, in good faith, between your husband's affair partner and himself. He passed the letters to you as a show of good faith and to consolidate your relationship. If you use the letters to achieve an outcome that is in your best interests .... is that in good faith (?) - or is it using them against her (?). It kind of doesn't matter what your motives are, it's her perception of the return that would be the dilemma.

 

 

I'm not sure that any rational person ever sets out to deliberately hurt someone. Even narcissists aren't thinking about who they'll hurt - they are just thinking of themselves. You've mentioned that the OW appears to be an intellegent, reasonable woman. It's not likely that she entered into the affair with the intent to hurt you. Indeed her behaviour in respecting no-contact indicates that she does get it and it's likely that she has deep remorse for the impact her behaviour had on you and she's probably pretty hurt herself. (To be fair, she was probably misled by your husband in order to enter the affair in the first place - it's unlikely that she commenced an affair that grew into an emotional caring relationship if he was holding a line that he loved his wife, he was never going to leave her and she would only ever be a bit on the side.)

One of the reasons reasonable people chose not to engage in behaviour that is harmful to others, and presumably why you chose not to purposely hurt her when you would have liked to (although i would argue it was really your husband who really betrayed you and your relationship - certainly more so than OW who did not have a relationship with you to betray) is because hurting someone else, ultimately hurts us. We know that intuitively so we don't do it. I just re-read Crime and Punishment after 20 years - that tells the story!!

You are right that the journey to healing after such a painful experience is a process. However, it's your process and yours alone. Just as the OW will never gain healing through hashing over the pain and seeking "closure" with the WH, and it's inappropriate that she would try to, you won't get any healing by involving the OW in your journey.

A final point. You mention "that kind of person" a couple of times. You are not "that kind of person" and people who do things or say things that are not in line with your moral or ethical view of the world are "that kind of person". I'm not sure what "that kind of person" is - although I understand that it's not a compliment. I guess I wonder what "kind of person" holds their own behaviours and views as superior or better intetioned than someone elses without having walked in their shoes.

I wish you well and I am sorry if my original post offended you.

 

 

Here we go again. She should hold her husband responsible and the person who knowingly engaged in detriment to her family. The same as she would if that person perpetrated any other action against her family that caused her family harm. *sheesh*

[turnstone]

I would keep them.

 

This.

 

I'm an exBS who's husband had many extra marital relationships - full blown affairs and one night stands. In the course of divorcing him, I uncovered numerous letters, emails, photographs, videos, you name it; and they have been extremely useful in keeping the unnecessary hassle that came out of his double life, at bay.

 

Why would any woman trust another that would sleep with their husband? Keep the evidence.

[Kismetly]

Here we go again. She should hold her husband responsible and the person who knowingly engaged in detriment to her family. The same as she would if that person perpetrated any other action against her family that caused her family harm. *sheesh*

 

I guess it's all about the degree of separation isn't it? Let's test the logic.

 

I've just spent the afternoon with a man who lost his wife and little boy in an accident yesterday near a Gold Mine. The mine diverted a river - the effect being that the woman, a subsistance farmer, now had to cross a raging torrent as the fastest way to get to her garden. She could have walked about a kilometre to cross a bridge they put in, but she chose to cross at a closer spot. She drowned crossing that river to collect food for her family.

 

Should the family hold the mine responsible for her death? Because after all they made the decision to divert the river and make it difficult to get to her garden. You could argue the mine "knowingly engaged in an action of detriment to her family."

 

Or the family could hold the individuals in developed countries who buy gold responsible (you and me) - after all, despite all the glitzy advertising gold mining is a dangerous, dirty, environmentally and socially damaging activity that brings considerable detriment to the people who live on and near mining leases. You could argue that despite what the advertising tells us, people should think about the impact of their purchase of gold on families like this one - and if they don't they are are selfish, self-centred, indeed "that kind" of people.

 

Many MM who engage in affairs are pretty good at marketing. Just like we don't think about the people who are fundamentally impacted by mining when we buy gold earings because the marketing excludes those individuals from the story - so too, often the BS is excluded, or worse, vilified, by the WS as part of the deal. In my experience, often the BS isn't a part of the deal - she's an abstract concept - just like that grieving family is an abstract concept to the individual who purchases gold jewellery at their local mall.

 

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who that family hold responsible for their beloved wife and mother's death. She's gone, and her little boy will never grow up. They have to go on.

 

In the wash up - many OW, including myself, find it hard to believe that this is their life. Few people in my world would believe it of me either. Being the OW is a tough, rotten, exhausting routine. Nobody choses it on purpose.

 

This is not a defence of the OW. I know better than anyone that what she did is indefensible ... but I can almost guarantee she didn't get up one day and chose to engage in behaviour that deliberately hurt another woman. Despite the rhetoric and vitriol that goes on around here - that's just generally not the way it works.

[turnstone]

This is not a defence of the OW. I know better than anyone that what she did is indefensible ... but I can almost guarantee she didn't get up one day and chose to engage in behaviour that deliberately hurt another woman. Despite the rhetoric and vitriol that goes on around here - that's just generally not the way it works.

 

 

Actually, that is precisely what every OW does the minute they make the decision to continue to sleep with a man they know is married. No rhetoric or vitriol needed.

[woinlove]

This is not a defence of the OW. I know better than anyone that what she did is indefensible ... but I can almost guarantee she didn't get up one day and chose to engage in behaviour that deliberately hurt another woman. Despite the rhetoric and vitriol that goes on around here - that's just generally not the way it works.

 

This part always puzzles me, OW who think they have little control over themselves. Many choose not to think too much about MM's marital status or wife initially, to focus on other parts, but that is a choice. Sometimes one makes that choice because one is enjoying the feelings and thinking about his wife and his life with her does not feel as good.

 

I recall your own early posts on LS, you explained that you had not thought about what MM meant by "separated", had not tried to find out too much, because you were in paradise with what the two of you shared and thought it would just be fun. A different choice would have been to learn more about what "separated" meant, whether anyone was being lied to, and whether you wanted to be part of that. Not saying this to criticize you, just to point out that people, including OW, make choices in their dealings with others. Since many OW get hurt and do not want to have more As, acknowledging the choices they make at the very start of an A, could help them make choices that are better for them and others.

 

To the OP, I would not contact her or send her the letters. They are yours to do as you wish with, but contacting her is as likely, perhaps more likely, to bring negative repercussions as it is to bring any positive closure.

[bentnotbroken]

I guess it's all about the degree of separation isn't it? Let's test the logic.

 

I've just spent the afternoon with a man who lost his wife and little boy in an accident yesterday near a Gold Mine. The mine diverted a river - the effect being that the woman, a subsistance farmer, now had to cross a raging torrent as the fastest way to get to her garden. She could have walked about a kilometre to cross a bridge they put in, but she chose to cross at a closer spot. She drowned crossing that river to collect food for her family.

 

Should the family hold the mine responsible for her death? Because after all they made the decision to divert the river and make it difficult to get to her garden. You could argue the mine "knowingly engaged in an action of detriment to her family."

 

Or the family could hold the individuals in developed countries who buy gold responsible (you and me) - after all, despite all the glitzy advertising gold mining is a dangerous, dirty, environmentally and socially damaging activity that brings considerable detriment to the people who live on and near mining leases. You could argue that despite what the advertising tells us, people should think about the impact of their purchase of gold on families like this one - and if they don't they are are selfish, self-centred, indeed "that kind" of people.

 

Many MM who engage in affairs are pretty good at marketing. Just like we don't think about the people who are fundamentally impacted by mining when we buy gold earings because the marketing excludes those individuals from the story - so too, often the BS is excluded, or worse, vilified, by the WS as part of the deal. In my experience, often the BS isn't a part of the deal - she's an abstract concept - just like that grieving family is an abstract concept to the individual who purchases gold jewellery at their local mall.

 

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who that family hold responsible for their beloved wife and mother's death. She's gone, and her little boy will never grow up. They have to go on.

 

In the wash up - many OW, including myself, find it hard to believe that this is their life. Few people in my world would believe it of me either. Being the OW is a tough, rotten, exhausting routine. Nobody choses it on purpose.

 

This is not a defence of the OW. I know better than anyone that what she did is indefensible ... but I can almost guarantee she didn't get up one day and chose to engage in behaviour that deliberately hurt another woman. Despite the rhetoric and vitriol that goes on around here - that's just generally not the way it works.

 

Yet she made a choice daily to continue to hurt another person. Just as you have given me logical explanations for you point of view I can equally give you logic for mine. Does it make either point of view the correct one...who the hell knows. But responsibility of an "individual" for their "individual" choices will always be something that we ALL will be held accountable for. A industry's action toward a large group of people vs. an individual actions toward another individual......hmm IMO, not the same but whatever floats your boat.