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BS has OW letters to H thinking of returning them to OW, thoughts?

ashvllgrl

By ashvllgrl
in The Other Man / Woman

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ashvllgrl Member

ashvllgrl

Posted
Posted

First of all I want to thank all of you who post here. It has really helped me understand and gain perspective.

 

My H had a 2 month affair when I was working away from home for 2yrs. He confessed and ended it 3 weeks after I returned. He was honest with OW from beginning as to being married and in love with his wife but 'conflicted' with my being away so long. He did fall in love with her but decided to try and work it out with me once I returned. And we have worked it out. He let her know fairly gently when it ended and again more strongly (he told her he had confessed and I was very hurt) 6 weeks later when she broke NC. We have not heard from her since that time. It is now a year later.

 

Letters were exchanged between my WH and his AP during the affair. I have the 4 letters she wrote to my H (he gave them up to me about 5 months after affair ended). And yes I have read them, won't go into that except to say that it is clear they both had feelings for each other and cared for each other and that she did know from the beginning he was married.

 

My question is I am considering sending the letters back to the OW who I have met once, the day my husband confessed actually. I am examining my motives for this so have not yet set them on. But I do know that part of me thinks that if I were in her shoes, I would not want those letters out there in the world and I would appreciate knowing they would not ever see the light of day. I would of course let her know it was me NOT my husband sending them to her - don't want her to delude herself into thinking he was making contact.

 

I would say something in the note to accompany the letters as follows.

 

Here are the letters you wrote my husband from last February, I thought you might appreciate getting them back. Thank you for respecting our request for NC. I hope that your life is going well and you have found someone to care for you who is available to care for you.

 

I wish you well, peace

 

Is this a bad idea?, good idea? thoughts are appreciated

BB07 Established Member

BB07

Posted
Posted

XOW here........(who did have several conversations with the BS after d-day and who thinks our last contact with each other was on as good of terms as possible.)

 

IMO if you really want to do this, I think you should contact her first by letter or email and ask her if she wants the letters back. She may have moved on and doesn't want any reminders of the affair and she may be married or in a serious relationship. Since you are being so gracious........I would definitely contact her first before you send them.

thissecretgirl Established Member

thissecretgirl

Posted
Posted
First of all I want to thank all of you who post here. It has really helped me understand and gain perspective.

 

My H had a 2 month affair when I was working away from home for 2yrs. He confessed and ended it 3 weeks after I returned. He was honest with OW from beginning as to being married and in love with his wife but 'conflicted' with my being away so long. He did fall in love with her but decided to try and work it out with me once I returned. And we have worked it out. He let her know fairly gently when it ended and again more strongly (he told her he had confessed and I was very hurt) 6 weeks later when she broke NC. We have not heard from her since that time. It is now a year later.

 

Letters were exchanged between my WH and his AP during the affair. I have the 4 letters she wrote to my H (he gave them up to me about 5 months after affair ended). And yes I have read them, won't go into that except to say that it is clear they both had feelings for each other and cared for each other and that she did know from the beginning he was married.

 

My question is I am considering sending the letters back to the OW who I have met once, the day my husband confessed actually. I am examining my motives for this so have not yet set them on. But I do know that part of me thinks that if I were in her shoes, I would not want those letters out there in the world and I would appreciate knowing they would not ever see the light of day. I would of course let her know it was me NOT my husband sending them to her - don't want her to delude herself into thinking he was making contact.

 

I would say something in the note to accompany the letters as follows.

 

Here are the letters you wrote my husband from last February, I thought you might appreciate getting them back. Thank you for respecting our request for NC. I hope that your life is going well and you have found someone to care for you who is available to care for you.

 

I wish you well, peace

 

Is this a bad idea?, good idea? thoughts are appreciated

 

Hi Ashvllgrl,

 

It's good to hear things are working out well for you. I have been both a BS and more recently an OW.

 

If I were the OW I really wouldnt want my letters returned. I wouldnt want to be reminded of their content and (no disrespect) I really wouldnt want the BS returning them to me.

I would just let it lie. NC is in place and is being respected, I think in returning the letters you chance raking up old feelings and risk the chance of no contact being broken.

 

If the dust has settled, personally I would leave it like that.

carrie999 Established Member

carrie999

Posted
Posted

I would take the high road and leave it alone. No, it's not okay that she had an affair (of any kind) with your husband knowing you were married. But your issue is with your husband, not with her. She could be anyone...and if he's going to stray again, it could be with her or someone else. Take this up with you husband. You won't gain closure until you can learn to trust him again.

Kismetly Established Member

Kismetly

Posted
Posted
First of all I want to thank all of you who post here. It has really helped me understand and gain perspective.

 

My H had a 2 month affair when I was working away from home for 2yrs. He confessed and ended it 3 weeks after I returned. He was honest with OW from beginning as to being married and in love with his wife but 'conflicted' with my being away so long. He did fall in love with her but decided to try and work it out with me once I returned. And we have worked it out. He let her know fairly gently when it ended and again more strongly (he told her he had confessed and I was very hurt) 6 weeks later when she broke NC. We have not heard from her since that time. It is now a year later.

 

Letters were exchanged between my WH and his AP during the affair. I have the 4 letters she wrote to my H (he gave them up to me about 5 months after affair ended). And yes I have read them, won't go into that except to say that it is clear they both had feelings for each other and cared for each other and that she did know from the beginning he was married.

 

My question is I am considering sending the letters back to the OW who I have met once, the day my husband confessed actually. I am examining my motives for this so have not yet set them on. But I do know that part of me thinks that if I were in her shoes, I would not want those letters out there in the world and I would appreciate knowing they would not ever see the light of day. I would of course let her know it was me NOT my husband sending them to her - don't want her to delude herself into thinking he was making contact.

 

I would say something in the note to accompany the letters as follows.

 

Here are the letters you wrote my husband from last February, I thought you might appreciate getting them back. Thank you for respecting our request for NC. I hope that your life is going well and you have found someone to care for you who is available to care for you.

 

I wish you well, peace

 

Is this a bad idea?, good idea? thoughts are appreciated

 

I'm glad you are doing well and have recovered your marriage.

 

With the greatest respect, they're not your letters to do anything with. They were correspondence between the OW and your H. If you don't want them in the house, ask your husband to burn them or get rid of them.

 

There's a whole lot of ethics around mail and personal correspondence and you sending them back to OW would be an ethical and moral minefield.

 

burn the letters and forget about her. She has clearly moved on with her life. You should too.

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted

I say move right along. Things seem good for you. Keep it that way.

 

I wouldnt want the letters back, in her shoes. And in yours I wouldn't want to reinstate any contact or communication between the two of you (whether it's you or him) and her.

 

Glad you've been able to sort things with your H.

Leelou Established Member

Leelou

Posted
Posted

My question is I am considering sending the letters back to the OW who I have met once, the day my husband confessed actually. I am examining my motives for this so have not yet set them on. But I do know that part of me thinks that if I were in her shoes, I would not want those letters out there in the world and I would appreciate knowing they would not ever see the light of day. I would of course let her know it was me NOT my husband sending them to her - don't want her to delude herself into thinking he was making contact.

 

I would say something in the note to accompany the letters as follows.

 

Here are the letters you wrote my husband from last February, I thought you might appreciate getting them back. Thank you for respecting our request for NC. I hope that your life is going well and you have found someone to care for you who is available to care for you.

 

I wish you well, peace

 

Is this a bad idea?, good idea? thoughts are appreciated

 

No, don't send those letters to her, it's a very bad idea. What do you imagine she will do upon getting the letters? --------- Read them. Right? And what do you think her feelings/emotions/memories will be? ------ All stirred up again.

 

The LAST thing you want is for her to recall first hand how much in love she was with your husband, and what a hot affair they were having... because you are actually tempting her with beginning to obsessively think about, and want, what she once had.

 

The letters are not yours, but they are not hers either. They belong to your husband.

Since he handed them over to you, you have possession of them, and you need to burn them. Privately (so as not to stir up your husband's feelings either).

Let sleeping dogs lie.

 

Why on earth would you want to create new drama?

Rooke Established Member

Rooke

Posted
Posted
First of all I want to thank all of you who post here. It has really helped me understand and gain perspective.

 

My H had a 2 month affair when I was working away from home for 2yrs. He confessed and ended it 3 weeks after I returned. He was honest with OW from beginning as to being married and in love with his wife but 'conflicted' with my being away so long. He did fall in love with her but decided to try and work it out with me once I returned. And we have worked it out. He let her know fairly gently when it ended and again more strongly (he told her he had confessed and I was very hurt) 6 weeks later when she broke NC. We have not heard from her since that time. It is now a year later.

 

Letters were exchanged between my WH and his AP during the affair. I have the 4 letters she wrote to my H (he gave them up to me about 5 months after affair ended). And yes I have read them, won't go into that except to say that it is clear they both had feelings for each other and cared for each other and that she did know from the beginning he was married.

 

My question is I am considering sending the letters back to the OW who I have met once, the day my husband confessed actually. I am examining my motives for this so have not yet set them on. But I do know that part of me thinks that if I were in her shoes, I would not want those letters out there in the world and I would appreciate knowing they would not ever see the light of day. I would of course let her know it was me NOT my husband sending them to her - don't want her to delude herself into thinking he was making contact.

 

I would say something in the note to accompany the letters as follows.

 

Here are the letters you wrote my husband from last February, I thought you might appreciate getting them back. Thank you for respecting our request for NC. I hope that your life is going well and you have found someone to care for you who is available to care for you.

 

I wish you well, peace

 

Is this a bad idea?, good idea? thoughts are appreciated

 

That's a slap in the face. There's no need to rub her nose in it (no disrespect) but it's almost as if you're saying "Well he chose me, I won" I think if you want rid of them, then burn them and they never have to see the light of day. You've asked her for NC and she's done it, so don't slap her in the face now, let it lie.

so-wrong Established Member

so-wrong

Posted
Posted

Unless you are either hell bent on revenge on the OW or just want to stir up a wasps nest, you should leave it & go nowhere near her. She has respected NC but how do you know how she now feels about your H, it could rebound on you big style if you're not careful.

bentnotbroken Established Member

bentnotbroken

Posted
Posted

I would keep them.

Rooke Established Member

Rooke

Posted
Posted
Her being a tramp with the woman's husband is a slap in the face. Stop trying to twist sh*t around as if she's the one who had an affair.:rolleyes:

She not rubbing her nose in anything, that OW decided to stick her big ass nose where it didn't belong.

She shouldn't have to ask for NC, it's a damn given. She never asked for her to get involved with her wuss of a husband. And you think keeping NC is somehow "noble" of the OW? Please.:rolleyes:

The BW is the one who got slapped in the face. You sound as if the OW is the President of the United States.:rolleyes: The trick ain't is not getting slapped in the face but she sure needs to be.

You don't let an affair go and not do anything about it. Oh the BW is all of a sudden supposed to be a Good Girl now that the affair is over, right?:rolleyes:

 

Most of the opinions that she has asked for in this particular forum are going to be from OW or XOW, so if that's your attitude, (and I think alot of people would agree with me) then it is most certainly not welcome here.

I presume the reason she asked for opinions here is because she wanted to try and anticipate how the OW was going to feel.

If you are calling her "trash" then by default you are calling the rest of us "trash" so if this kind of situation offends you, then I suggest you don't look at these posts and therefore you won't have to be offended when you read them.

I was not suggesting that she was being "noble" by maintaining NC, but it could have been a very different story, and she has obviously respected that they want to work things out and left it alone when she perhaps could have been not so respectful at all.

I think it's obvious that she has done something about it, and has decided to work it out, therefore there's no need to cause any more pain and hurt than has already been caused.

I suggest you take your opinions to a more suitable forum.

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted

Burn em, if she was desperate to get them back she would have asked a long time ago.

thissecretgirl Established Member

thissecretgirl

Posted
Posted
Most of the opinions that she has asked for in this particular forum are going to be from OW or XOW, so if that's your attitude, (and I think alot of people would agree with me) then it is most certainly not welcome here.

I presume the reason she asked for opinions here is because she wanted to try and anticipate how the OW was going to feel.

If you are calling her "trash" then by default you are calling the rest of us "trash" so if this kind of situation offends you, then I suggest you don't look at these posts and therefore you won't have to be offended when you read them.

I was not suggesting that she was being "noble" by maintaining NC, but it could have been a very different story, and she has obviously respected that they want to work things out and left it alone when she perhaps could have been not so respectful at all.

I think it's obvious that she has done something about it, and has decided to work it out, therefore there's no need to cause any more pain and hurt than has already been caused.

I suggest you take your opinions to a more suitable forum.

 

Well said Rooke, I was about to say something similar. Yes, I agree with you.

 

I also think if the OP is dignified enough not to resort to name calling or inflammatory remarks, other people who arent involved should be able to do the same.

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted
Burn em, if she was desperate to get them back she would have asked a long time ago.

 

So what if she WAS desperate.... They're not hers now. It's for the OP and her H to make the choice. Whatever helps their recovery most (sticking them in the rubbish would be my personal choice).

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
So what if she WAS desperate.... They're not hers now. It's for the OP and her H to make the choice. Whatever helps their recovery most (sticking them in the rubbish would be my personal choice).

 

You missed my point... clearly the OW isn't all that concerned, which is the OP's concern.

 

The morality of the situation notwithstanding.

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted
You missed my point... clearly the OW isn't all that concerned, which is the OP's concern.

 

The morality of the situation notwithstanding.

 

Missed nothing. Just sharing my opinion. The OP might be worried about OW's feelings but I don't think she should.

Rooke Established Member

Rooke

Posted
Posted
Well said Rooke, I was about to say something similar. Yes, I agree with you.

 

I also think if the OP is dignified enough not to resort to name calling or inflammatory remarks, other people who arent involved should be able to do the same.

 

Thankyou. I understand this is a sensitive subject for most people but I don't understand why people have to come looking for trouble. I don't really particuarly believe in religion but I don't go to religious forums and insult people who do.

I think as this forums prove, there are absolutely hundreds of us who find ourself in this situation because life isn't simply that "black and white"

We come here because I dare say regular forums would incur this kind of abuse and it's not necessary.

I'm not condoning OW behaviour, I am an xOW and I'm not condoning my behaviour either, but as I say, life just isn't that simple.

If she wanted opinions of OW or xOW then that's what she got, and if she doesn't want to keep the letters then that's fine, but stirring up feelings that hopefully have been left alone by now, I think is unnecessary.

Owl Established Member

Owl

Posted
Posted

Dispose of/destroy the letters and don't run the risk of restarting contact between your H and her.

 

There's no value in doing anything else, if you really stop and think it through.

 

Get rid of the letters, and focus on rebuilding your marriage.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
First of all I want to thank all of you who post here. It has really helped me understand and gain perspective.

 

My H had a 2 month affair when I was working away from home for 2yrs. He confessed and ended it 3 weeks after I returned. He was honest with OW from beginning as to being married and in love with his wife but 'conflicted' with my being away so long. He did fall in love with her but decided to try and work it out with me once I returned. And we have worked it out. He let her know fairly gently when it ended and again more strongly (he told her he had confessed and I was very hurt) 6 weeks later when she broke NC. We have not heard from her since that time. It is now a year later.

 

Letters were exchanged between my WH and his AP during the affair. I have the 4 letters she wrote to my H (he gave them up to me about 5 months after affair ended). And yes I have read them, won't go into that except to say that it is clear they both had feelings for each other and cared for each other and that she did know from the beginning he was married.

 

My question is I am considering sending the letters back to the OW who I have met once, the day my husband confessed actually. I am examining my motives for this so have not yet set them on. But I do know that part of me thinks that if I were in her shoes, I would not want those letters out there in the world and I would appreciate knowing they would not ever see the light of day. I would of course let her know it was me NOT my husband sending them to her - don't want her to delude herself into thinking he was making contact.

 

I would say something in the note to accompany the letters as follows.

 

Here are the letters you wrote my husband from last February, I thought you might appreciate getting them back. Thank you for respecting our request for NC. I hope that your life is going well and you have found someone to care for you who is available to care for you.

 

I wish you well, peace

 

Is this a bad idea?, good idea? thoughts are appreciated

 

Leave it alone. NC is in place and it's going to open the door to pain, not only for her, but you and your H. Why break NC to thank her for respecting NC? It might set her back, it might give her an idea to try to squeeze back into his life because contact was broken.. For her to know that she's on his (and your) minds again, isn't a good idea.

 

You and your H should burn the letters and don't look back.

BB07 Established Member

BB07

Posted
Posted
Please, no need for you to make up stuff with a long, exaggerated explanation.:rolleyes:

 

Hey WIY.......once again you prove that you don't know you are talking about. Check the posting history, it's all out there for anyone to read so before you accuse me of being a liar, back it up with at least trying to appear that you know what you are talking about.

 

Lady there's no need to send letters or keep in contact with the trash your cheater husband slept with. She does not and will not care about your feelings or regret screwing him. Both of them knew what they did was wrong and they don't care. Divorce him and find a better man.

 

 

I stand by my original advice and since you don't personally know her WIY, you nor anyone else knows where her head is at at this time. Newsflash for you....many OW do end up regretting that part of of their life and the pain they inflicted on themselves and others.

ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

Posted
Posted

Burn or shred them. I agree with the poster that said it would stir up feelings again.

 

Best of luck to you and your H.

HalfAlive22 Established Member

HalfAlive22

Posted
Posted
First of all I want to thank all of you who post here. It has really helped me understand and gain perspective.

 

My H had a 2 month affair when I was working away from home for 2yrs. He confessed and ended it 3 weeks after I returned. He was honest with OW from beginning as to being married and in love with his wife but 'conflicted' with my being away so long. He did fall in love with her but decided to try and work it out with me once I returned. And we have worked it out. He let her know fairly gently when it ended and again more strongly (he told her he had confessed and I was very hurt) 6 weeks later when she broke NC. We have not heard from her since that time. It is now a year later.

 

Letters were exchanged between my WH and his AP during the affair. I have the 4 letters she wrote to my H (he gave them up to me about 5 months after affair ended). And yes I have read them, won't go into that except to say that it is clear they both had feelings for each other and cared for each other and that she did know from the beginning he was married.

 

My question is I am considering sending the letters back to the OW who I have met once, the day my husband confessed actually. I am examining my motives for this so have not yet set them on. But I do know that part of me thinks that if I were in her shoes, I would not want those letters out there in the world and I would appreciate knowing they would not ever see the light of day. I would of course let her know it was me NOT my husband sending them to her - don't want her to delude herself into thinking he was making contact.

 

I would say something in the note to accompany the letters as follows.

 

Here are the letters you wrote my husband from last February, I thought you might appreciate getting them back. Thank you for respecting our request for NC. I hope that your life is going well and you have found someone to care for you who is available to care for you.

 

I wish you well, peace

 

Is this a bad idea?, good idea? thoughts are appreciated

 

I would burn them with H, let it go..why bring her back?

Emme Established Member

Emme

Posted
Posted

If you are concerned about the letters being out there in the world you burn them. You don't send them to her. If you and your husband have moved on that means you leave the past behind. She is no longer a part of your life.

Emme Established Member

Emme

Posted
Posted
For the time being.

 

 

Eh em.. Positive thoughts please. :laugh:

 

*Sprinkles happy fairy dust for ashvllgrl*

fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted
First of all I want to thank all of you who post here. It has really helped me understand and gain perspective.

 

My H had a 2 month affair when I was working away from home for 2yrs. He confessed and ended it 3 weeks after I returned. He was honest with OW from beginning as to being married and in love with his wife but 'conflicted' with my being away so long. He did fall in love with her but decided to try and work it out with me once I returned. And we have worked it out. He let her know fairly gently when it ended and again more strongly (he told her he had confessed and I was very hurt) 6 weeks later when she broke NC. We have not heard from her since that time. It is now a year later.

 

Letters were exchanged between my WH and his AP during the affair. I have the 4 letters she wrote to my H (he gave them up to me about 5 months after affair ended). And yes I have read them, won't go into that except to say that it is clear they both had feelings for each other and cared for each other and that she did know from the beginning he was married.

 

My question is I am considering sending the letters back to the OW who I have met once, the day my husband confessed actually. I am examining my motives for this so have not yet set them on. But I do know that part of me thinks that if I were in her shoes, I would not want those letters out there in the world and I would appreciate knowing they would not ever see the light of day. I would of course let her know it was me NOT my husband sending them to her - don't want her to delude herself into thinking he was making contact.

 

I would say something in the note to accompany the letters as follows.

 

Here are the letters you wrote my husband from last February, I thought you might appreciate getting them back. Thank you for respecting our request for NC. I hope that your life is going well and you have found someone to care for you who is available to care for you.

 

I wish you well, peace

 

Is this a bad idea?, good idea? thoughts are appreciated

 

Burn them or toss them; do not send them to her with a note. That is inviting drama back into your life. You do not need that. No letter (although it is nice, it could be perceived as poking at her). Let it go and just get rid of the letters, IMHO. I would NOT have wanted the wife to send me squat. She could feel as if you are trying to humiliate her or brag that you are still married to him.

 

I think you have good intentions, but I do not think you should mail them to her.

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