Author johan Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Mark my words ... the minute you move on with someone else she's gonna start sniffing around more and ramping up the contact. I don't really need that. I don't want her being nice because she thinks she's losing me to someone else. What a joke that would be. I should have just ignored her text this morning. Hun, I think you know. It's what we discussed offline. It makes perfect sense to me. Please stop sending her messages like this. You might be right. And the second one had to go because the first one was a mistake. But you make it sound like I'm sending messages like that a lot, and I need to stop. I just sent the one. Otherwise it has been silence. Only 5 weeks and drama like this? Please stop wasting your valuable time on this one or puzzling what went wrong and why, and move on to other prospects. There actually hasn't been that much drama with her. We have interacted very little. The drama has been mostly in my head. And on here. Have been exactly where you are several times and needed someone to kick me in the head over and over while saying the above, so go get a frying pan and beat yourself in the head with it (not too hard, just kind of a "thump" don't knock yourself out) until clarity comes. I couldn't agree more. If this anxiety doesn't go away soon, I have a couple of frying pans I can put to use. I had something like this that took me a year to end, and it was exhausting and cyclical and the early signs should never have been avoided. Don't waste your time trying to put up with being hurt and misused, ever. There is NO excuse the first time, never mind some time later. Her described behaviour hints at BPD to me, I dated one once. It took 6 months to get rid of him once we split, despite the fact he repeatedly rejected me and then lured me back in. Man what a waste of a year that was! I'd love to think that she's messed up. It doesn't matter though. Your story does remind me of girls past though, and I'm really glad they aren't around. Maybe I'll feel the same way about her soon. I kind of feel that way right now, to be honest. She's been such a b*tch. The question is, should a guy put up with games like that? Chasing is one thing, but if what you're saying is correct, then it's more like a test to get her insecurities removed by him. One could argue that that is an element that's inherent to all chases, but if it becomes a disproportionate factor within the chase, then it can overshadow the happiness element. Most people want to be happy after all. Besides, how long will it take before all her insecurities are taken away, how long will he need to play this game if that's what's going on? No, a guy shouldn't put up with that kind of crap. It's kind of hard to know if someone is playing dumb games though, while you're going through it. They don't really say. You just see the surface behavior and don't know what's coming. But I do feel better reading the posts from everyone. This isn't about losing her, really. It just triggered my own issues. Things I've never really liked about myself kind of got highlighted for me. I've been dealing with how I feel about myself, and not so much how she feels about me.
Author johan Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 I could never endure a relationship like this. My interest wanes at the first hint of game playing, no matter how much it hurts to break it off. Then again, it's easier said to walk away than actually doing so, especially when you think you like the person. That being said, liking a person would make me want to know where I stand with them, but then again, the sense of timing between people could be slightly off, rendering the simple things difficult. Man, Johan, I know what you're talking about. Glad to hear you're getting back on the horse, though. That's pretty much a perfect description of the whole thing. And thanks. It helps to know I'm not the only one who has had to deal with something like this. Better luck next time, I hope.
Banker Chick Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 The question is, should a guy put up with games like that? One could argue that that is an element that's inherent to all chases, but if it becomes a disproportionate factor within the chase, then it can overshadow the happiness element. No, no guy or girl should put up with it. At some point it's just wayyyyy too much drama and you get tired of always feeling like you need to "fight" for the relationship. One surefire way to know if she's doing this is when she sends the "Best of luck to you", "I'm sorry things didn't work out", or "I hope we can be friends" text bs you either don't respond or just agree ... "Best of luck to you too", etc. Sorta takes the wind out of their sails pretty damn quick. Just be prepared for her to get all indignant that you are giving up so easily. It's comical really.
Author johan Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 I feel mostly back to normal today. I'm thinking more about my future possibilities and not so much about this past failure. There's a little bit of anxiety hanging on though. I'm still running the whole thing through in my head, thinking of all the little things I did to screw the whole thing up. But those thoughts feel more like lessons for next time. More like lessons, but not totally. They are also like little bats I'm using to beat myself over the head. Maybe the next girl will be unknowingly lucky that I went through this. And maybe she'll be an even better fit, and a more impressive person, and she'll turn me on even more. Whoever she is is going to have to deal with the fact that I'll be in a hurry to get her out of her clothes. I at least want that much from her in case she decides to lose her mind like the last one.
Star Gazer Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Whoever she is is going to have to deal with the fact that I'll be in a hurry to get her out of her clothes. I at least want that much from her in case she decides to lose her mind like the last one. Dude, J... how many times do I have to offer???
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 This thread has a whole lot of ego and sense of entailment, mixed in with hints of passive aggression of the "bitter nice guy" flavor.
Author johan Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 This thread has a whole lot of ego and sense of entailment, mixed in with hints of passive aggression of the "bitter nice guy" flavor. Hm.. I've never been accused of that. What makes you say so? Also, did you mean "entitlement"?
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 J, her loss. I know you like her and all, but she just seems like high maitenance, alot of work..And the dating getting to know eachother, spending time together and growing should be alot easier. With her, it's like pullling teeth! If I were single, I'd go out on a date with you!
Star Gazer Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Hm.. I've never been accused of that. What makes you say so? Also, did you mean "entitlement"? She's been talking to Vancouver, it seems.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Hm.. I've never been accused of that. What makes you say so? Also, did you mean "entitlement"? Yes, I meant entitlement (stupid iphone) The tone in a lot of your posts is a disbelief at the fact that she rejected you. Your responses to her texts are trying to change her mind....it's as if you are trying to force the issue because you want her, doesn't matter how she feels. (how dare she not want me?!!!!). You also keep saying that you know she liked/likes you. How can you know that? You are not a mind reader. You refer to being "too nice" to her a few times. And your last few posts have the subtle tones of "the next girl will pay for how this one treated me"...all "bitter nice guy" traits.
Author johan Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 J, her loss. I know you like her and all, but she just seems like high maitenance, alot of work..And the dating getting to know eachother, spending time together and growing should be alot easier. With her, it's like pullling teeth! If I were single, I'd go out on a date with you! I know, Which. I've been bummed out about all this, but yesterday and today it's gotten better. And if you were single I'd fly out there and take you out. She's been talking to Vancouver, it seems. Well, Vancouver is anxious about their hockey team about to lose. But ES wouldn't have posted it if she didn't think it. So I'm sure she can point out the bitterness. The ego part I've already admitted to. Not sure where I've been passive aggressive though. I just think I've been feeling disappointed and kind of anxious about it. But like I said, today was a lot better.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 She's been talking to Vancouver, it seems. Actually, no I haven't....
florence of suburbia Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 This whole thing is good news even though it sucked when you were going through it. You liked someone and she rejected you, and you're still standing. Your biggest fear came true and you made it through to the other side.
Star Gazer Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Yes, I meant entitlement (stupid iphone) The tone in a lot of your posts is a disbelief at the fact that she rejected you. Your responses to her texts are trying to change her mind....it's as if you are trying to force the issue because you want her, doesn't matter how she feels. (how dare she not want me?!!!!). You also keep saying that you know she liked/likes you. How can you know that? You are not a mind reader. You refer to being "too nice" to her a few times. And your last few posts have the subtle tones of "the next girl will pay for how this one treated me"...all "bitter nice guy" traits. Hmm... actually, I totally agree. Sorry, J.
Author johan Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Yes, I meant entitlement (stupid iphone) The tone in a lot of your posts is a disbelief at the fact that she rejected you. Your responses to her texts are trying to change her mind....it's as if you are trying to force the issue because you want her, doesn't matter how she feels. (how dare she not want me?!!!!). You also keep saying that you know she liked/likes you. How can you know that? You are not a mind reader. You refer to being "too nice" to her a few times. And your last few posts have the subtle tones of "the next girl will pay for how this one treated me"...all "bitter nice guy" traits. I don't know. I didn't really feel the way you describe. But I guess it might look that way. I don't feel bitter, to be honest. I'm definitely not happy with her or how she treated me. I'm looking forward to the next chance I get. I'm sure I'll continue to be a nice guy. The next girl isn't going to "pay", but I hope I learned something from this. If nothing else I'll be less relationship-oriented.
Star Gazer Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I don't know. I didn't really feel the way you describe. How can you say that? How can you say you're not in disbelief that she made it clear she didn't want to continue seeing you? Or that you don't think you should be dating? Because those are your own words...
florence of suburbia Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 How can you say that? How can you say you're not in disbelief that she made it clear she didn't want to continue seeing you? Or that you don't think you should be dating? Because those are your own words... I didn't read it that way. He thought she liked him because that's how it felt. He held on for a few days too long, out of wishful thinking. That's all.
Author johan Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 How can you say that? How can you say you're not in disbelief that she made it clear she didn't want to continue seeing you? Or that you don't think you should be dating? Because those are your own words... Well, I thought she was just BS-ing me. Like it was some kind of test. To be honest, I think she does like me. Maybe she doesn't want to date me, but the signals have been mixed so I couldn't tell. I mean, when I'm not interested in someone I don't send them texts or make phone calls to them. The last thing I want to do is lead them on. But even after she initially freaked out, she was still texting me and checking in and wanting to call. I thought that meant she was still interested to some extent. I was just confused and trying to find a way to fan the spark back into a flame. But I failed. It's not like I think it's inconceivable that a woman wouldn't want to date me. I'm not quite that full of myself. And I've seen women not wanting to date me first hand, quite a lot. So I find it completely believable.
Author johan Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 I didn't read it that way. He thought she liked him because that's how it felt. He held on for a few days too long, out of wishful thinking. That's all. I got some mixed signals also. Women don't behave in completely predictable ways, in my experience.
welikeincrowds Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Yeah, I wasn't getting the bitter vibe. Confused self-flagellation, sure. Perhaps if he were as critical of her as he is of himself, then I'd see it. Be kinder to yourself, johan!
Star Gazer Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Emotional attachment, especially post sex, and the related texting/calling, is quite common for women, J...even for those of us who are no longer interested in dating you anymore. I don't think you should read "she likes me in a dating-sense" into it, when her behavior is telling you she's not interested in dating you anymore, but misses the comfort you provided.
florence of suburbia Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I got some mixed signals also. Women don't behave in completely predictable ways, in my experience. I will say, a woman won't necessarily stop contacting out of a desire to spare your feelings. She's more likely to worry that cutting you off will seem mean.
Author johan Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Yeah, I wasn't getting the bitter vibe. Confused self-flagellation, sure. Perhaps if he were as critical of her as he is of himself, then I'd see it. Be kinder to yourself, johan! I think several of us around her would benefit from that advice. But honestly, I feel I got over it yesterday and today. I'm more looking forward to what comes next. Emotional attachment, especially post sex, and the related texting/calling, is quite common for women, J...even for those of us who are no longer interested in dating you anymore. I don't think you should read "she likes me in a dating-sense" into it, when her behavior is telling you she's not interested in dating you anymore, but misses the comfort you provided. Well, I kind of figured that out. But if you ask me it's a hell of a way to act. I should have just ignored her from the start. Instead of trying to figure out what would work to get her interested again. That was a waste, and it ends up being harder on the ego than the initial rejection. I will say, a woman won't necessarily stop contacting out of a desire to spare your feelings. She's more likely to worry that cutting you off will seem mean. Well, I'd say calling and texting and not really hiding your indifference or throwing up constant roadblocks is a bit mean, too. I'd rather not hear from her at all, as opposed to being led to believe there were little threads of encouragement I could weave into something worth having. Really there is no good, easy way to reject someone. In the end, what gets said or how it's handled don't mean a lot. But allowing the process to drag on is not the nice way to handle it. It doesn't matter. I figured it out, and I'm ok with it.
Recommended Posts