Star Gazer Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 much like the way Stargazer handles her personal perceptions but she doesn't internalize, rather she demonizes with little to no data... Ha! This is absolute proof you don't know me at all. Rather, you're projecting.
Star Gazer Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Star Gazer, your obsessive interest in me is borderline insane. Get help. :lmao: Thanks for the laugh!!!
SmileFace Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 (edited) <pms>.......... Edited April 25, 2011 by SmileFace
Star Gazer Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 You're not more mature than I am yet you talk to do others. Gotta admit, not quite sure I'm following you here. Not sure it matters though, as this thread is about Johan and HIS relationships.
zengirl Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 You couldn't be more right, Art. But the conversation we had is the symptom, not the disease. The thing I have to come to terms with is that this is a rejection. She just didn't like me as much as I wanted her to. She came to that realization, her whole attitude changed, and then I started trying to figure out what was up. Hence the difficult talk. Now my ego hurts. I think this is not YOUR pattern but everyone's pattern, at some point in time. Someone likes more, and someone likes less. I've certainly had other endings, but they were to longer things (true incompatibilities that no one was happy with or things that just went awry in LTRs). Shorter things almost always end this way: Someone is enthused, someone is nonplussed, and the two dynamics push each other even further away than they need be. It's sort of trial-and-error how we do this whole finding somebody we can love thing, so it's not like either party means any harm, and it's just as frustrating to be on either side, though of course, the ego takes a beating if you've liked the other person more. I've certainly been on both sides.
zengirl Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Terrible advice. Odd, I don't believe I gave any actual "advice" in that post. It was more chatting. I cannot see any suggested action. You post a lot and say very little.
SmileFace Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I saw it pre-edit... No hard feelings. It isn't my business.
daphne Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I feel like I walked into a room with an argument where I didn't belong. Much of your post has sounded familiar to me in many ways. And even some of TBF's criticism of you. Turtle, pedestal, proud. Not sure if it's because I'm a gemini and I'm highly empathetic, or if it's because I have unfinished business and see some things in much the same way as you. Personally, despite how early it was, imo there was nothing wrong with bringing up the conversation since there was clearly tension to begin with. In an ideal world you'd have little to no tension and things would run uber smoothly and you'd have no reason to have the talks, but it is what it is. You can't know what she wants or thinks without asking. And you can't move forward or backwards without knowing.
daphne Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Please tell me you didn't watch the whole thing. There was entirely too much heinous, illegal hair pulling going on.
Nexus One Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 (edited) Please tell me you didn't watch the whole thing. There was entirely too much heinous, illegal hair pulling going on. I didn't watch that whole video, this thread on the other hand... *grabs a bag of popcorn* Just kidding people, just kidding. Edited April 25, 2011 by Nexus One
Author johan Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 I think this is not YOUR pattern but everyone's pattern, at some point in time. Someone likes more, and someone likes less. I've certainly had other endings, but they were to longer things (true incompatibilities that no one was happy with or things that just went awry in LTRs). Shorter things almost always end this way: Someone is enthused, someone is nonplussed, and the two dynamics push each other even further away than they need be. It's sort of trial-and-error how we do this whole finding somebody we can love thing, so it's not like either party means any harm, and it's just as frustrating to be on either side, though of course, the ego takes a beating if you've liked the other person more. I've certainly been on both sides. I guess I have, too. But it's good to be understood. Nice to know I'm not the only one. It's a drag to go through, like you said. I feel like I walked into a room with an argument where I didn't belong. Much of your post has sounded familiar to me in many ways. And even some of TBF's criticism of you. Turtle, pedestal, proud. Not sure if it's because I'm a gemini and I'm highly empathetic, or if it's because I have unfinished business and see some things in much the same way as you. Personally, despite how early it was, imo there was nothing wrong with bringing up the conversation since there was clearly tension to begin with. In an ideal world you'd have little to no tension and things would run uber smoothly and you'd have no reason to have the talks, but it is what it is. You can't know what she wants or thinks without asking. And you can't move forward or backwards without knowing. I guess that was the whole reason for bringing it up. I'm tired of guessing what to do or say. I'm not excited to be held at arm's length. I thought about it today and realized that her explanations of it all are such bull. And she texted me twice today, out of nowhere. The messages are so mixed. When I need space from someone and start having doubts about my feelings for them, I don't text. I'm just relieved if they don't contact me. I definitely don't send little shots over their bow and try to attract their attention. It's really contradictory. You internalise everything, including many things you shouldn't. When internalizing much of this, conclusions are reached which are skewed, ... I think you're right about this. I'm not sure I'm unusual in this way, but it applies nevertheless. Your thought processes are based on an internal world, one where the relationship model was built on viewing unhealthy relationships. So when information comes in, its conflated to an inaccurate perception, usually worst case scenarios when a few questions to the other person might have helped to de-escalate that negative thinking, albeit not even sure if that would help since you have major trust issues and have a preference for believing the worst. I don't know. When I start wondering what's up, it's usually because something is up. I didn't drive this girl away with my doubts. But I was right that something was really wrong. As well, your internal model of self is sensitive, high on pride, low on self-worth, so even small forms of criticisms are blown up to major reasons to turtle. Will the sky really fall if you're asked to change a few minor issues within you? This to me sounds like a horoscope. Anyone who reads it is going to say, "oh wow, that's me!" Everyone has issues like this. Even you. And as far as being asked to change goes, I changed a lot when I was with my ex-girlfriend. In fact, I'm often looking at ways I can do things better. Particularly when faced with a challenging woman. You're looking for a relationship where the other party idealizes you, placing you on a pedestal where it's a safe harbour for you to go home to. And yet, you're unwilling to provide the same, not that it's a healthy relationship model to begin with. And I know you're probably going to disagree with much of this but that's okay. Your life, your call. I don't need to be idealized. I never wanted to be worshiped. I want to be with someone I respect, and that means being with someone who lets me know how I affect them. I wonder why she slept with you. Perhaps she was desperately hoping to find some kind of spark to stay in the relationship. When she awoke and found no difference in her feelings, she became cold and distant in her disappointment. She slept with me because at least because she was really turned on by me. And because she really liked me. I don't believe it was an experiment. Even that night we were being affectionate and talking about things, and even some talk of the future. She didn't roll over and ignore me. I don't think your theory fits with what happened very well. But I could always be wrong. Having been there, though, and being pretty perceptive, that kind of stuff doesn't normally get past me. Who knows.
Author johan Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 She sent me a text this morning letting me know she's sorry for how things ended up and wished me well. I KNOW she likes me. I can't figure out how she couldn't. I wrote a text essentially telling her I was tired of trying to figure out what switch flipped in her head, and that not dating me was a dumb idea, and that we should be together not apart. I hadn't finished editing it when I accidentally hit send. Dammit. So I sent another apologizing for the "dumb" comment, but that she knows we like each other and we should be dating. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm an idiot. That's just another thing she and I have in common, I guess.
Art_Critic Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Well Johan.. you certainly don't know what the future holds for you two.. since it hasn't been written yet but it does look like it falls into one of those wrong timing deals.. Props to you for going all in... and you are no idiot....
Author johan Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 It's not easy to keep the faith, Art. Disappointment seems to be the name of the game. I wish I could figure these things out. I don't know why she texted me at all this morning, to be honest. I don't know why she ever did, after she went haywire. I wouldn't do that, personally. I'm just really stupid when it comes to women. I just can't be cool.
Art_Critic Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I don't know why she texted me at all this morning, to be honest. I don't know why she ever did, after she went haywire. I wouldn't do that, personally. She texted you because she likes you and she felt guilty leaving it the way it was left. She was after her closure... Do you have someone in the wings ?
Author johan Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Yeah. I like her, too, Art. I guess I just handled it wrong. I've been in contact with someone else. To say she's "in the wings" is probably an overestimation, but she does seem interested to at least meet. I don't have the same amount of interest as with the one I started this thread about.
Banker Chick Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I dunno ... sorta sounds like a chick that wants you to chase her. Seems she's testing you bigtime. She throw out weak arguments to see how much you're willing to disagree and "fight" for her and the relationship. Mark my words ... the minute you move on with someone else she's gonna start sniffing around more and ramping up the contact.
Star Gazer Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 She sent me a text this morning letting me know she's sorry for how things ended up and wished me well. I KNOW she likes me. I can't figure out how she couldn't. Hun, I think you know. It's what we discussed offline. It makes perfect sense to me. So I sent another apologizing for the "dumb" comment, but that she knows we like each other and we should be dating. Please stop sending her messages like this.
sanskrit Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Please stop sending her messages like this. Only 5 weeks and drama like this? Please stop wasting your valuable time on this one or puzzling what went wrong and why, and move on to other prospects. She doesn't like you and you two shouldn't be dating. Have been exactly where you are several times and needed someone to kick me in the head over and over while saying the above, so go get a frying pan and beat yourself in the head with it (not too hard, just kind of a "thump" don't knock yourself out) until clarity comes.
CambridgeGirl Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Reading this thread was astounding. How one cranky woman can get so much airtime! She would no doubt love it if she knew based on all I have read. I had something like this that took me a year to end, and it was exhausting and cyclical and the early signs should never have been avoided. Don't waste your time trying to put up with being hurt and misused, ever. There is NO excuse the first time, never mind some time later. Her described behaviour hints at BPD to me, I dated one once. It took 6 months to get rid of him once we split, despite the fact he repeatedly rejected me and then lured me back in. Man what a waste of a year that was!
D-Lish Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I dunno ... sorta sounds like a chick that wants you to chase her. Seems she's testing you bigtime. She throw out weak arguments to see how much you're willing to disagree and "fight" for her and the relationship. Mark my words ... the minute you move on with someone else she's gonna start sniffing around more and ramping up the contact. This! I've told Jo the same thing.
Sunstar Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I dunno ... sorta sounds like a chick that wants you to chase her. Seems she's testing you bigtime. She throw out weak arguments to see how much you're willing to disagree and "fight" for her and the relationship. Mark my words ... the minute you move on with someone else she's gonna start sniffing around more and ramping up the contact. The question is, should a guy put up with games like that? Chasing is one thing, but if what you're saying is correct, then it's more like a test to get her insecurities removed by him. One could argue that that is an element that's inherent to all chases, but if it becomes a disproportionate factor within the chase, then it can overshadow the happiness element. Most people want to be happy after all. Besides, how long will it take before all her insecurities are taken away, how long will he need to play this game if that's what's going on?
westernxer Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I could never endure a relationship like this. My interest wanes at the first hint of game playing, no matter how much it hurts to break it off. Then again, it's easier said to walk away than actually doing so, especially when you think you like the person. That being said, liking a person would make me want to know where I stand with them, but then again, the sense of timing between people could be slightly off, rendering the simple things difficult. Man, Johan, I know what you're talking about. Glad to hear you're getting back on the horse, though.
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