5 Weeks

[johan]

I'm really disappointed for you, J.

 

When you think about it as though 1/5 (the 5th week) of your relationship you've felt like this, it's so not worth it to keep trying. It really does sound like you've given it your best shot... and a pretty awesome shot that was.

 

When I first read this I thought you said you were really disappointed in me..

 

I had the same thought. 20% of the time I've known her she's been useless. On the other hand, 80% of the time she's been a dream.

 

I think it was an average shot. Maybe it took more from me because I've been off the market for a while. I just can't be isolated anymore.

 

There's never any reason to put up with unnecessary drama.

 

As with any relationship, your sanity comes first. You tried your best, you were honest and you honored the relationship you thought you two could have. She hasn't.

 

Sorry J. But glad you're not putting up with poor behavior.

 

I kind of beat myself up a little bit because she even thinks I'm the kind of guy she can behave that way toward at all. I just don't command respect like I wish I could. It's humiliating to think about. There are guys in the world that she would never dream of pulling this crap with. Then there are guys like me who mean nothing to her.

 

Sorry she seems like such a ****.

Knowing where your limit is puts you miles ahead of the next guy who will step into your shoes.

Time to disappear...

 

I agree, Art. Who knows what the next guy will have to endure. But I just need to move on from this, because I could get seriously down if I think of the implications.

 

I am quite curious to hear what she thought was your fault..but anyway it's without a doubt her loss.

 

It could be my loss, too. It's not like she's an evil person incapable of love. It's just that I don't make her feel like showing her good side anymore. The first part was so encouraging. Maybe I was just missing the signs. Choosing not to see them maybe.

[Dust]

Why would you send her an email complaining about how things are going? You need to do that kind of thing in person.

 

The niceguy/jerk thing doesn't only apply to women. You can go around complaining that there is no justice and cheating liars always win. It's not about getting things, it's about being the best you can be and proud of your life.

[Art_Critic]

But I just need to move on from this, because I could get seriously down if I think of the implications.

 

This is where the term next comes in.... Next......

 

Use the momentum that dating her has given you and don't lose it and get right back out there.

 

In the end after you are well moved on from this you will see why she was brought into your life...

She was brought into your life as a stepping stone...

[johan]

Why would you send her an email complaining about how things are going? You need to do that kind of thing in person.

 

Email was the only option. She wasn't available to meet in person. And an in-person discussion would have been a bit heavy anyway, like a confrontation.

 

The niceguy/jerk thing doesn't only apply to women. You can go around complaining that there is no justice and cheating liars always win. It's not about getting things, it's about being the best you can be and proud of your life.

 

I agree. I think I meet those criteria, although I still seem to find myself in these situations where I'm getting jerked around. As good as I am, I know there are areas where I can improve. And being proud of yourself and being the best you can be isn't an antidote for disappointment in other people to whom you make yourself vulnerable. It doesn't make rejection painless.

[johan]

This is where the term next comes in.... Next......

 

Use the momentum that dating her has given you and don't lose it and get right back out there.

 

In the end after you are well moved on from this you will see why she was brought into your life...

She was brought into your life as a stepping stone...

 

I agree, Art. That's the only right thing to do. Maybe this could turn out to be a warm-up lap. As opposed to something that drives me back and deeper into my turtle shell.

[Dazdnconfuzed]

I have been following this thread and I have to say J this is 100% identical to what I am going through. I almost want to ask you if you reside in the same area lol.

 

Basically I too have always been with the pretty, slender taller types and only by chance. The one I have been after is a chubby single mom and in her early twenties. Still really cute but also a life style like a couch potato.

 

She was always texting me and calling me here and there and once I started to open up and windex her insecurities... BAM POOF... All of a sudden she got really distant and being down right rude to me. I leave it alone for about a month, she warms up and then again... Gone.

 

She was even seeing a man 20 years older at some point and kept on breaking up several times for a few years. I had that white knight mentality as well and thought that I can sole all your problems and step into a step parent role and get a house with you blah blah blah.

 

All of her relationships ended in crap, first man got her pregnant and mentally and physically abused her, second one cheated on her and third one was the older one that used her as a booty call. Her father has been in and out of jail and is now in there for life.

 

She was doing the push-pull with me and thanks to D-Lish and her posts and now this thread I am seeing it all play out with clarity here as well. Although we never got to sex, everything else is spot on.

 

It is hard, I feel you johan... especially when you can do so much better in terms of looks and personality but pine for one that we think we can really be happy with, grow with and make a difference/impact.

 

Leads me to believe that they are only in the state of mind they are in because they choose to be. Only they can make that change. At first I thought it was both our losses, now I see it is just hers. Same thing for you, it is just her loss, you will realise this soon enough.

[johan]

This isn't the first time I've gone through something like this. It feels familiar. And then your case, Dazed, just shows that there are really a lot of women out there like this. You and I could probably compare notes over beers and end up having laughs about what are really pretty trying, can't win situations.

[Dazdnconfuzed]

This isn't the first time I've gone through something like this. It feels familiar. And then your case, Dazed, just shows that there are really a lot of women out there like this. You and I could probably compare notes over beers and end up having laughs about what are really pretty trying, can't win situations.

 

Man we should... And to figure when I first met her I was physically and mentally repulsed by her AND I was emotionally wacked out, as if i didnt care about anyone and she kept on chipping at the iceberg as far as fetching my lunch whenever I was busy or asking me what I wanted to eat, even bake me cookies lol. I then took time to get to know her and she just dropped her jaw and always hung around me and made each other laugh... good times. I did not pursue since she was dating the 40 year but she always said to our mutual friends how she has feelings for me.

 

After they broke up I started getting more aggressive and am getting shot down one after the other. I gave up yestarday and texted her to let her know to just contact me when SHE is interested.

 

I want to be the caring, honorable, loving and affectionate man for her and her child. I am not going to chase anymore and made to feel like i am not good enough.

[johan]

Things warmed over the past couple of days. She seemed to calm down from her crisis. And relations built to the extent that tonight we talked on the phone.

 

It was my intent to keep things light and let her remember that I'm fun to talk to. Instead somehow the conversation turned in such a way that pointed to "what next", and I told her I really don't know what to expect or how to act with her going forward.

 

What I was trying to say was that I'm not interested in being friends, and I want to know what potential there is for something more, because I have no idea where she stands. She had so far not gotten around to telling me.

 

But I asked and found out that the problem is she noticed some incompatibilities that were kind of bothering her. And I fought the urge, but it was just part of the conversation that I told her I didn't agree they were incompatibilities. But the fact is this: if she's noticed them, and if they are bothering her to the extent that they are already keeping us apart, then talking about them isn't going to change anything at all.

 

And while I'm thinking of ways to save it, she's not doing the same. And if she wanted to be with me, she'd make her own arguments about why these incompatibilities aren't such a big deal. Instead, she's mostly indifferent to the whole "relationship", and her actions have already demonstrated that not being together is a fine solution for her. So that's the course she chose, and there isn't any way that I know of to turn that ship.

 

And the worst part about it is that the conversation itself just put another nail in the coffin. I'm the one who started it. So not only do I now know that she wasn't happy with our time together, but the process of finding out just made it worse, and I can blame myself for that.

 

I just can't not be myself, either in the course of the relationship or in the process of breaking it down. But being me always turns out to be the worst thing I can do when I like someone. That ends up being exactly what they don't want.

 

By the way, what I wrote before about her wanting to be disrespected and dominated isn't really true. She just wants a different kind of guy from who she thinks I am. It would have been idiotic to lash out at her for making the decision she made. There's nothing I could do about it. She made up her mind and that's all there is to it.

 

She never said that herself, but I've been around enough to know.

 

In the end, maybe she's just doing me a favor. Maybe I should think harder about what a future with her would be like.

[welikeincrowds]

Things warmed over the past couple of days. She seemed to calm down from her crisis. And relations built to the extent that tonight we talked on the phone.

 

It was my intent to keep things light and let her remember that I'm fun to talk to. Instead somehow the conversation turned in such a way that pointed to "what next", and I told her I really don't know what to expect or how to act with her going forward.

 

What I was trying to say was that I'm not interested in being friends, and I want to know what potential there is for something more, because I have no idea where she stands. She had so far not gotten around to telling me.

 

But I asked and found out that the problem is she noticed some incompatibilities that were kind of bothering her. And I fought the urge, but it was just part of the conversation that I told her I didn't agree they were incompatibilities. But the fact is this: if she's noticed them, and if they are bothering her to the extent that they are already keeping us apart, then talking about them isn't going to change anything at all.

 

And while I'm thinking of ways to save it, she's not doing the same. And if she wanted to be with me, she'd make her own arguments about why these incompatibilities aren't such a big deal. Instead, she's mostly indifferent to the whole "relationship", and her actions have already demonstrated that not being together is a fine solution for her. So that's the course she chose, and there isn't any way that I know of to turn that ship.

 

And the worst part about it is that the conversation itself just put another nail in the coffin. I'm the one who started it. So not only do I now know that she wasn't happy with our time together, but the process of finding out just made it worse, and I can blame myself for that.

 

I just can't not be myself, either in the course of the relationship or in the process of breaking it down. But being me always turns out to be the worst thing I can do when I like someone. That ends up being exactly what they don't want.

 

By the way, what I wrote before about her wanting to be disrespected and dominated isn't really true. She just wants a different kind of guy from who she thinks I am. It would have been idiotic to lash out at her for making the decision she made. There's nothing I could do about it. She made up her mind and that's all there is to it.

 

She never said that herself, but I've been around enough to know.

 

In the end, maybe she's just doing me a favor. Maybe I should think harder about what a future with her would be like.

 

Homie, I'm pouring some of my 40 on the ground for you, right now.

 

We've all been here! **** the haters, really, **** 'em.

[threebyfate]

Homie, I'm pouring some of my 40 on the ground for you, right now.

 

We've all been here! **** the haters, really, **** 'em.

A little hint. This is his pattern.

[johan]

Homie, I'm pouring some of my 40 on the ground for you, right now.

 

We've all been here! **** the haters, really, **** 'em.

 

Pour a little more. And yeah. **** 'em.

 

I thought I was the only who would ever be stupid enough to make a desperate, futile plea to save a relationship, directed toward deaf ears. If you're in the position to even start that conversation, you're already on the wrong end of the stick.

 

A little hint. This is his pattern.

 

What is my pattern?

Edited April 25, 2011 by johan

[Art_Critic]

It seems to me that after 5 weeks you guys are having way to deep of conversations that relate to the relationship

 

I think after a few weeks she knew if you guys were compatible and found you guys were so that is how you got to 5 weeks.

 

You should be having fun rather than putting so much pressure on each other.

 

Maybe if it presents itself you guys should start over and deal with dating each other rather than figuring out out to get rid of each other.

[johan]

You couldn't be more right, Art. But the conversation we had is the symptom, not the disease. The thing I have to come to terms with is that this is a rejection. She just didn't like me as much as I wanted her to. She came to that realization, her whole attitude changed, and then I started trying to figure out what was up. Hence the difficult talk.

 

Now my ego hurts.

[Citizen Erased]

You couldn't be more right, Art. But the conversation we had is the symptom, not the disease. The thing I have to come to terms with is that this is a rejection. She just didn't like me as much as I wanted her to. She came to that realization, her whole attitude changed, and then I started trying to figure out what was up. Hence the difficult talk.

 

Now my ego hurts.

I'm always around if you want your ego talked up.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sorry to be blunt but if she really liked you, those little incompatibilities wouldn't bother her. In fact, she would find a way to rationalize why she should stay with you because the pull would be too strong.

 

It sounds like she is making excuses.

 

But, rejection is big part dating. I am sure you have rejected quite a few women too. It shouldn't deter you from dating further.

[johan]

I'm always around if you want your ego talked up.

 

I always appreciate that, CE.

 

Sorry to be blunt but if she really liked you, those little incompatibilities wouldn't bother her. In fact, she would find a way to rationalize why she should stay with you because the pull would be too strong.

 

It sounds like she is making excuses.

 

But, rejection is big part dating. I am sure you have rejected quite a few women too. It shouldn't deter you from dating further.

 

I agree there was a bit of rationalization. I wouldn't let little stuff like that get in my way if I really liked someone. In reality I had my answer before I asked. The signs were there.

[Star Gazer]

A little hint. This is his pattern.

 

No, it's not. Particularly when you consider the opposite happened with you. You were in HIS shoes.

 

Why are you STILL soooooo interested in his love life, by the way? Still holding on tight, I see?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I never noticed that TBF targets johan's threads. Sometimes she comments, often she doesn't. I don't think it constitutes a huge interest in his love life.

[mitchell]

She's doing you a favor at this point. While it hurts now, she's just not into you.

 

I wonder why she slept with you. Perhaps she was desperately hoping to find some kind of spark to stay in the relationship. When she awoke and found no difference in her feelings, she became cold and distant in her disappointment.

 

Stinks that she played with your feelings this way. It was unkind of her to sleep with you and then play cold-hearted.

[Art_Critic]

Why are you STILL soooooo interested in his love life, by the way? Still holding on tight, I see?

 

I don't think it's interest in his love life as much as wanting to help someone you know.. a friend.

I post on many of his threads too.. because I like Johan and think the world of him and really care about him having a tough time..

 

No homo.....

[Art_Critic]

The thing I have to come to terms with is that this is a rejection.

 

Broken down into it's simplest form you are probably right...

[threebyfate]

No, it's not. Particularly when you consider the opposite happened with you. You were in HIS shoes.

 

Why are you STILL soooooo interested in his love life, by the way? Still holding on tight, I see?

As usual, wrong on all counts.

 

Pattern:

 

You internalise everything, including many things you shouldn't. When internalizing much of this, conclusions are reached which are skewed, much like the way Stargazer handles her personal perceptions but she doesn't internalize, rather she demonizes with little to no data or if there's any data, it's inaccurate gossip.

 

Your thought processes are based on an internal world, one where the relationship model was built on viewing unhealthy relationships. So when information comes in, its conflated to an inaccurate perception, usually worst case scenarios when a few questions to the other person might have helped to de-escalate that negative thinking, albeit not even sure if that would help since you have major trust issues and have a preference for believing the worst.

 

As well, your internal model of self is sensitive, high on pride, low on self-worth, so even small forms of criticisms are blown up to major reasons to turtle. Will the sky really fall if you're asked to change a few minor issues within you?

 

You're looking for a relationship where the other party idealizes you, placing you on a pedestal where it's a safe harbour for you to go home to. And yet, you're unwilling to provide the same, not that it's a healthy relationship model to begin with.

 

And I know you're probably going to disagree with much of this but that's okay. Your life, your call.

[Star Gazer]

I don't think it's interest in his love life as much as wanting to help someone you know.. a friend.

I post on many of his threads too.. because I like Johan and think the world of him and really care about him having a tough time..

 

No homo.....

 

Difference being, Art, that you are actually his friend, as am I. TBF had a romantic relationship with him, he retreated/rejected her, and she's harbored anger and animosity towards him ever since, and she continues to regularly make digs at him to the point of deriving pleasure from his apparent misfortunes.

 

I find it quite bizarre that a woman who's allegedly married with child, and working on a second, is still so emotionally involved in that "relationship" that she has to continue to make thinly veiled digs at him on a regular basis.

 

Most of us can move on from rejection, ya know? Especially once we're allegedly living happily ever after with someone else...

 

Just sayin'...

[threebyfate]

Star Gazer, your obsessive interest in me is borderline insane. Get help.