5 Weeks

[johan]

So I've been dating a girl. Really pretty and cute and pretty smart. Her house is perfect. She has great style.

 

For a month we were talking every day and texting a lot and really connecting. It started out really fast, which is kind of a pattern for me. And by the fourth week we were in bed.

 

I gave lots of nice guy signals, which is my pattern. I complimented her by flirting with her and making occasional sexual references. It was good-natured and meant to make her laugh as much as it was meant to make her feel desired. I made it clear that I like her and liked being with her. I wasn't always available, but I was mostly available. I don't go out a lot and we weren't dating other people. I always bought.

 

I got insecure once when she went out to a party. It turned out she spent time talking to some other guy, which really is to be expected, but still got to me. I tried to bury my insecurities, but I couldn't and they were there for us both to see. So I just discussed it with her and got it off my chest. And then it went away.

 

She changed totally on week 5. We had a good night together and really got to know each other's bodies. I stayed overnight at her place. And then the next morning, she was transformed back into a total stranger. She was cold and distant. And I left.

 

Is it true that when a woman does something like this, there is something wrong with the guy? Could it be true that a woman could be Ms. Wonderful for several weeks and then transform into Ms. Unbearable all on her own?

 

I've been confused. I didn't know how to respond to her behavior. I don't act like that. I didn't get angry or call her on it. I went quiet for a day. Partly a dumb game and partly because I didn't think a response was deserved.

 

Instead I just tried to figure it out. And then today I sent her an email stating my position on it all. I was straight with her in the email, not mushy. I told her I still cared, but I was annoyed and confused. And she responded, but with the same amount of distance as before. "I saw you sent an email, didn't read it yet" (Bull). "I'll call you in a day or two." (Why not now if you actually cared to keep this thing on track?). And that's my answer. Keeping it on track isn't a concern for her.

 

I called her on it and made it clear she kind of pissed me off. She stonewalled me. So I just dropped it and said "ok".

 

There is something there. She isn't just cutting things off. She must still like me. I didn't do anything wrong or different. I definitely wasn't the same Superman when I felt her go cold. The same old behavior wasn't appropriate anymore. But I was still affectionate, thinking we still had a something going.

 

What happens to women? I think they are all off their rockers.

 

I stayed true to myself. That doesn't mean you get the girl. That just mean when you don't, you can still look in the mirror.

Edited April 21, 2011 by johan

[Jynxx]

Not sure if I should ask, but any chance the sex was terrible for her?

Today I sent her an email stating my position on it all.

Dude, that's not how females work. It's not a chessgame where you figure out her mind or give her the information she needs to figure out your mind. She most likely won't even be able to explain why she does what she does, because most females go on instinct rather than logic when it comes to relationships and how to behave towards people.

 

Also, email is, maybe with the exception of telegram, the worst possible medium to discuss an issue like this. Meet up in person or call her if you can't, but don't type it out.

[johan]

I don't think it was terrible. I've had enough to know when it's not good. It wasn't mind-blowing, but she got off more than I did. I think we both enjoyed it. The second time was a big improvement over the first time. If she was concerned about it being bad, then the first time was the time to walk.

 

Too late on the email. We're both too busy to meet up. Her place isn't nearby. And she always has something going on that makes phone calls impossible. I wanted to talk to her the other night, but she had excuses why she couldn't talk.

 

For all I know she has started seeing someone else. But then why the heck text me and say you're going to call later (only not to)?

 

I just think women are impossible to figure out.

[Star Gazer]

J, are you... emotionally connected during sex? Do you feel... all mushy, and sh*t? Or is it...more mechanical?

[johan]

What do you mean? Do I cry when it's over?

 

I'm affectionate toward her and enjoy myself. I'm even a bit aggressive. The third or fourth "no" means no. But not especially emotional. We can talk and laugh when it's over. We tend to lie there and relax and touch. Normal stuff, if you ask me. I know what to do in bed.

 

So no, I'm not all mushy and sh*t.

[welikeincrowds]

Is it true that when a woman does something like this, there is something wrong with the guy?

 

Not always

 

Could it be true that a woman could be Ms. Wonderful for several weeks and then transform into Ms. Unbearable all on her own?

 

Yes.

 

More accurately, if i'm interpreting this correctly, she was Ms. Unbearable all along, she was just pretty good at hiding it. It takes a certain kind of person to date and **** someone and then up and leave with no explanation. People become vulnerable when they have sex. I don't mean to sound sappy when I say that it's a special thing and should be treated with respect. Any decent person would not leave their partner feeling abandoned after intimacy. That's a cold and spiteful thing to do.

 

From these few details, this strikes me as player behavior. I imagine most posters would probably have an easier time saying that if the genders were flipped. What do you think of that? (Not the gender issue, but of giving her the player label?)

[johan]

From these few details, this strikes me as player behavior. I imagine most posters would probably have an easier time saying that if the genders were flipped. What do you think of that? (Not the gender issue, but of giving her the player label?)

 

I hadn't considered that. It's funny that each time we did it, she would ask, "are you going to lose interest in me tomorrow? That's what guys do." I always responded with "no way. I'm into you." Maybe she expected it, because she doesn't understand how anyone couldn't. Hard to say.

 

She's great looking, but not super hot. Pretty sexy. Guys eyes lock onto her because of her look. So she doesn't have to spend a lot of time alone. Maybe she dates around a lot, and just had me fooled. Yikes.

 

She isn't the best I could do. I may never meet someone with a better personality, because that seems to be how it goes for me. But I've dated women with equally bad personalities and way better bodies.

[welikeincrowds]

It's funny that each time we did it, she would ask, "are you going to lose interest in me tomorrow? That's what guys do."

 

Ugh, red flag. Rationally, I can think of a lot of reasons to excuse or benignly explain this behavior, but in my own experience, **** like this correlates directly with flakiness and unavailability.

 

Just imagine if you said that to her. "Are you going to lose interest in me tomorrow? Because that's what girls do."

 

I could have ended this post already, but I have to keep going. It insults all my sensibilities, too. First of all, you're already in my bed, so at least pretend you have some faith. Secondly, I don't like even the suggestion of being lumped in with any other ******* -- I wouldn't automatically lump her in with any of my bad experiences. And thirdly, I don't want to play the knight in shining armor card. I don't want it anywhere near my hand. It's nothing but bad news.

 

Anyway, excuse me. Although there are a lot of ways I could interpret even that one detail, I don't think it's wise to psychoanalyze your date. I just don't want you to do what I do and take responsibility for this.

[johan]

Ugh, red flag. Rationally, I can think of a lot of reasons to excuse or benignly explain this behavior, but in my own experience, **** like this correlates directly with flakiness and unavailability.

 

Just imagine if you said that to her. "Are you going to lose interest in me tomorrow? Because that's what girls do."

 

I could have ended this post already, but I have to keep going. It insults all my sensibilities, too. First of all, you're already in my bed, so at least pretend you have some faith. Secondly, I don't like even the suggestion of being lumped in with any other ******* -- I wouldn't automatically lump her in with any of my bad experiences. And thirdly, I don't want to play the knight in shining armor card. I don't want it anywhere near my hand. It's nothing but bad news.

 

Anyway, excuse me. Although there are a lot of ways I could interpret even that one detail, I don't think it's wise to psychoanalyze your date. I just don't want you to do what I do and take responsibility for this.

 

I didn't really take it that way. I understand being insecure. I get that way. And sometimes it makes you ask dumb, unanswerable questions. That's what I put it down to. Just an honest expression of doubt. I actually think I responded with, "what can I really say? If I was going to do that, would I admit it right here in bed with you just because you asked me? I'd like to reassure you, but there aren't any magic words. You'll just have to see."

 

I don't know. I'm not angry or broken hearted or anything. Maybe I feel more encouraged, because I feel strong and think I handled it well and honestly. And maybe now I can start dating more and being more open with women. She did really dig me for a while. Maybe someone else will have that feeling for longer. This was good practice.

[OpenBook]

She changed totally on week 5. We had a good night together and really got to know each other's bodies. I stayed overnight at her place. And then the next morning, she was transformed back into a total stranger. She was cold and distant. And I left.

 

Is it true that when a woman does something like this, there is something wrong with the guy? Could it be true that a woman could be Ms. Wonderful for several weeks and then transform into Ms. Unbearable all on her own?

 

Yes, she could be a player. But I suspect something specific happened that night to give her pause about you. Think back on that night. Was there a moment anytime during that night when she didn't know how to respond to you? or (if she did respond) it had any surprise, dismay, irritation in it? Sometimes you (general you) unknowingly stumble on a person's "dealbreaker" but they don't tell you because they are still hoping maybe they can get past it with you; because there's other things about you that they really like that may outweigh it. But they just aren't sure yet. The jury's still out.

 

If I were you, I would think about how I would want to be treated if the shoe were on the other foot (where you're the one freezing up on potential R material), and behave accordingly with her. All you can really do (and should do) is be yourself. There's always a lot up in the air in the beginning of all relationships, no matter how long they last. Good luck.

[johan]

You could be right OpenBook. I don't remember anything. I don't know if I should really be looking to myself on this though. I'm prone to beating myself up as it is, and this would encourage that.

 

It could easily be something I did or said, but it would have been inadvertent. And if there is so little forgiveness, then how could it have lasted anyway.

 

I once stopped seeing a girl because it occurred to me how much she reminded me of my sister. I never told her that. How could I? Or maybe I should have.

 

This is how it goes in the dating world. Incomplete information is part of the deal, at least early on. I really think I'll do better if I just look to the future.

 

Maybe this girl will magically turn back into a sweetheart. Maybe she's just having a psychological reaction to something and will come to her senses at some point, beg forgiveness and win her way back into my heart. I'm sure it has happened before.

 

Oh and if it were me freezing up I would appreciate it if I wasn't required to explain and get all serious. I totally expect someone to try to figure out what my problem is, but if it's a situation where I'm not explaining, then the best possible solution is to back off and give me space. If I'm allowed to miss them with the least amount of guilt, sometimes the thing that was bugging me goes away. And my respect for that person goes up.

Edited April 21, 2011 by johan

[johan]

I remember that night, before we went to sleep, we were talking about other things we'd like to do in the future. We were talking about taking a trip together and when to make the reservations and what kind of room to get. All before we went to sleep. Then when we woke up, the wheels were off.

 

Maybe I did something in my sleep? It doesn't make sense.

[Star Gazer]

Was alcohol involved?

[Eternal Sunshine]

What are the negatives about her body? I'm just really curious....

[Star Gazer]

What are the negatives about her body? I'm just really curious....

 

Let's not go there, okay? It has nothing to do with her change of attitude.

[johan]

Was alcohol involved?

 

We shared a bottle of wine.

 

What are the negatives about her body? I'm just really curious....

 

She's just a bit of couch potato. No exercise to speak of. And it shows. She's still really cute. But that's just going to add up on her over time if she doesn't get a better lifestyle.

[OpenBook]

You could be right OpenBook. I don't remember anything. I don't know if I should really be looking to myself on this though. I'm prone to beating myself up as it is, and this would encourage that.

 

Yes, that's always the hardest thing about it - things don't go well and all of a sudden your self-image turns from Pretty Darn Cool to Quasimodo and you turn it inward and start castigating yourself. When actually the flaw isn't in you; it's in the COMBINATION of you both. No skin off your nose. It's just a "thang." Sh*t happens.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is not a gender specific behavior. I have had men do the identical thing and in same time frame. My best guesses are:

 

1. There is someone else

2. She was never that into you but led you on to believe that she is. She simply picked this time to start distancing.

 

Anyhow, it's nothing you did. Those are all her issues. Your best bet is to sit back and do nothing.

[Star Gazer]

We shared a bottle of wine.

 

Maybe she had wine goggle on (lust-wise) and regretted it in the morning... Not YOU, just that she went there, at all.

[johan]

Anyhow, it's nothing you did. Those are all her issues. Your best bet is to sit back and do nothing.

 

I completely agree. It's impossible to know and nothing I can blame myself for. I could even be wrong about her feelings. Who knows.

 

Maybe she had wine goggle on (lust-wise) and regretted it in the morning... Not YOU, just that she went there, at all.

 

We shared it over the course of a couple hours. We started messing around before either of us was even buzzed. And it was the second weekend we slept together. The premise was already there: this was going to happen a lot. We were talking birth control throughout the week.

[Star Gazer]

We were talking birth control throughout the week.

 

Did a male BC pill come out?

 

Is she new to hormonal BC? Maybe she freaked out about that...

[eerie_reverie]

Johan, it doesn't sound like you are 100% into her. Maybe it's your self-defense mechanism that was causing this, but I don't think you would talk about her body as having imperfections, if you *really* liked her.

 

Maybe, at some point during the night, she picked up that in your mind, that you were thinking you could do "better". And that's why she froze up on you.

[johan]

Johan, it doesn't sound like you are 100% into her. Maybe it's your self-defense mechanism that was causing this, but I don't think you would talk about her body as having imperfections, if you *really* liked her.

 

Maybe, at some point during the night, she picked up that in your mind, that you were thinking you could do "better". And that's why she froze up on you.

 

I don't know, E. I've been really excited about her. The problems with her lifestyle were on my mind, but mostly from a future perspective. I was definitely not feeling so critical of her as she is now. I really enjoyed her body. I mean a LOT.

 

But she could have put a lot of little things together if she was already sensitive to them. She could have decided I didn't like her dog or something. All from some subconscious signals I might have given off. Or just her interpretation her own insecurities invented. She's not acting insecure though: just distant.

 

I look around and never see a woman anywhere with a perfect body. Even the supposedly really hot ones. I'm not critical. There's always a compromise. Everyone has something to deal with. And she does, too.

[Eternal Sunshine]

spookie,

 

My gut feeling is that johan really liked this one. Just based on threads he started about her and based on how he describes his reactions to her distancing etc.

 

No matter what, I actually think this is very positive. I always thought that johan only gives super hot girls a chance. He is also getting dating/relationship "practice". This will be invaluable if things don't pan out with this girl.

[dispatch3d]

why not just reassure her that you aren't going to disappear? It's all she's looking for. Just tell her you aren't like that.

 

It's probably just a defense mechanism she has.