A year since what felt like the worst pain in my life..and now I'm re-living it(long)

[CFM]

I'm not really sure where to start with this.. I just know that the last time I visited this site and basically poured my heart out a lot of the replies from people helped.

 

About a year ago I posted on here from Iraq. I was going through a major relationship crisis with my girlfriend then of about 4 years. I'm not sure if anyone is still around that helped me out then, but the thread was pretty big. Here's an old link to it: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228622/

Ironically it was almost exactly a year ago today that I was at this rock bottom kind of place.

 

Anyway, to quickly summarize that post.. had an amazing 4 year relationship with a girl while I was active duty in the Army. She made me whole and I feel like I couldn't have made it through a ton of **** without her. Things were great for a year.. made it through the first deployment great. Get stuck with stop loss and go into the second deployment angry/sad/bitter and basically by the end of that deployment the relationship is on life support. A month before I get home she finds comfort in another man.. largely my own fault for not being as supportive as I could have been through some very difficult times for her. I never really updated the post as to what happened when I got back, but here's basically the series of events;

 

My second to last day before coming home was in Kuwait.. I had told my girlfriend not to come to Fort Bragg to see me get off the plane. I told her I didn't want her there for the last week and that she'd made her choice as to who to be with. She told me she was coming regardless because at the very least she had to see me there. At that point I started to slightly warm up to the idea.. just because I was excited to be home and despite the bull**** I missed her. Within 48 hours of our departure from Kuwait I called my mother & brother who were driving up with my car to see me return. I was wondering how far along they were and was hit with the news that they had been in a car accident, no one was hurt, but my car was total'd. The news hit me pretty hard due to the current frustrations I was already dealing with... I called my girlfriend in the middle of the night to let her know what happened. She woke up and answered the phone to tell me that she was in bed with the guy she had been sleeping with. I immediately flipped out and got kicked out of the USO phone lounge after yelling obscenities and slamming the telephone. It hit me all over again.. how the **** could she be doing this to me? That is one moment in my life that no matter how many times I've tried to forget still is 100% fresh in my mind. Any time I've been in a fight with her it comes into my head to justify any and all anger I feel.

 

So I got back. I was angry, but relieved to just be back. The first person I see when we're walking into the large bay off of the plane is my mother. Next to her I see my girlfriend, dressed beautifully with teary eyes taking pictures of me. The whole event played out and I went to hug everyone. I don't know why I did it or what I was thinking but I basically just played along and acted like the last month never happened. I hugged and kissed her.. I told her I loved her and I replaced all of my anger with love and happiness to see her again.

 

The next couple months played out as I was getting out of the Army. We spent a ton of time together and talked about our relationship and **** that happened. She told me the other guy was a mistake and blamed my actions for her going astray basically. We fought some, but in the end we both wanted to give it another chance. I got out of the Army and moved to New Jersey to be with her. I moved into her house with her family and started going to college there. My adjustment out of the Army was kind of slow mentally.. I still suffered from some depression and stupid ****. We argued from time to time, but overall I think that we were pretty happy. Late November something in my head clicked and I started to basically convince myself that I wasn't happy living up there. That I could do better elsewhere and I didn't like being bossed around or stuck in a relationship. I think her and I butted heads over some really stupid **** and both being extremely stubborn the fight just escalated until early December when I basically packed my stuff and left. She begged me to stay, but I felt like I had to just get out of there and see my family. Leaving was surreal and every second I felt like I was making a mistake.. yet I still went through with it, and have no idea why.

 

So we went our separate ways and I have been living in Texas with my family. We didn't really talk through December, Jan or Feb very much. It was just her being mad I left and me taking some depression meds and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Around March we started talking on the phone again regularly and talking about spring break. I was honestly just bored with my life and out of the blue asked if I could just come up there for the week of spring break and spend some time together. At first she said no, but a couple of days later she called me and said she changed her mind and wanted me to come. I ended up going up there for that week and seeing her. Things with her were okay, she's doing well in nursing school and busting her ass in two part time jobs. When we saw each other it was a little awkward at first just trying to act like "friends". Well, that ended within a few hours as we got to her house, laid down for a nap from the flight and had sex. From that point until I left we basically behaved completely like we did as a couple. Multiple times she mentioned wishing that I never had to leave or say bye and that she wishes I could just live there again. Then it basically clicked in.. I was happy, I missed her, I love her.. I needed to figure out how to move back up there and be together.

 

I flew back home and during that time she did something I hated.. she went through my email and everything else and basically freaked out. I landed in Texas to her calling and basically telling me I needed to stop talking to this girl and stop playing this game right now. She had logged onto my messenger and basically said a bunch of **** on my behalf. This pissed me off and basically I blew her off. I didn't talk to her for about a week and called her crazy to someone, which she saw. (This is seriously some immature/retarded bull**** huh?). Anyway, that lasted about 2 weeks. Around then I remembered how much I want to be there and not here anymore.. how much I want to fix that. I apologized for all of my being stupid which she basically responded with that she's over it. Her entire mindset from wanting to be together all of the time changed to not wanting anything to do with me other than be casual friends. This brings me to where we are now.

 

Throughout April I have basically been trying to win her back. I've showered her with gifts, I've called constantly, I've written sweet emails and I've begged for forgiveness for what I did. The harder I try, the more she pushes me away. It's to the point where she won't respond to text messages or call me back after saying she will. It takes 24 hours to have some short talk and she doesn't want to speak about anything dealing with us, she just wants to chit chat about nothing. I've asked to just come up there for a few days and speak face to face.. but she doesn't even want that.. in over five years she's NEVER just not wanted to see me at all. All of this is going on during a time where I'm about to make a major transition. It's basically I move to a town here in Texas and start my new job, life, etc or I move back up there and start my new life, job, etc, with her. I feel like deep down she still loves me and wants me.. she's just scared that I'll leave again and be the person I was. That, or she has some new crush she won't tell me about. Her phrase of the month is "I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend, I just want to be single right now". This from a girl who wouldn't let me go a day without calling her for 4 years. In my frustration of her blowing me off lately and everything else I've just been lost as to what to do. Like I said.. the harder I try, the worse it gets. The less I try, the more responsive she is.. yet the more unbearable it is for me.

 

So.. what do I do now? I have a month to decide where I'm going to live. I loved the area she lives in and could move there regardless.. but I don't know how I will end up if things don't work out and I'm so close to her. Or do I just stay far away and move on with my life and try to find new love? I'm 25 years old.. which I know is young, but I was hoping to have children by 30, and she's the only person I've ever seen myself marrying. Do I keep trying and hope she changes her mind, or do I completely step back and let life take us where it may? I just feel like if I could show her I've changed, if I could physically be there with her then I could win her back... instead of letting her go further and further away from me like she is now. I just don't want to give up if I still have the chance to win her back.. I don't want to regret for the rest of my life letting her go.

 

I need some advice, please. I am beating myself up and falling back to a very very dark place right now.

 

Another thing I've considered.. is closure real? Is it a good option here? When I left the last thought in my mind is that I won't see her again.. it was more or less that I'd be there within a month or two living together. If I saw her for a few days and told myself that was it, and left on that note.. would I be better off?

 

Thanks in advance for any advice. I can't believe it's been a year since all of this happened and I'm back to the exact same place and feeling. I feel like such a weak person from all of this.

 

TL;DR

 

5 year rocky relationship - took a break/broke up in December.

 

Re kindled relationship somewhat in March. Things went south quickly, but wanting to still try to work things out and be together.

 

Ex seems to have completely forgotten the time we spent together and seems to be moving on.. keeps reiterating she "wants to be single right now and doesn't know when/if she'll want to date again" after 3 weeks ago wanting me to move back in.

 

Seems to be completely off putting while I'm long distant, but in person seems to be in love with me and I can't make sense of it.

 

I love her with all of my heart and not sure if I should just give up or keep trying to be together. Also wondering if closure is a good option because right now the pain is unbearable.

Edited April 21, 2011 by CFM

[CFM]

Just to elaborate a little on what we've been doing...

 

Basically she had been calling me every day to randomly talk. It'd usually be on her way home from work or school and we'd just basically talk about nothing. Whenever I bring up anything about other guys she might be seeing or whatever it's always "you left me, I don't have to tell you anything about my personal life". If I bring it up again, she gets extremely angry and usually just ends the call. Other times she'll plan to call me that night or something and I'll get a last minute text message that she's going out or something and will call me when she gets home. Out of curiosity/being bothered by being more or less blown off I'll ask where or with who.. and she'll just send me ".........." or whatever and very rarely ever tell me. This over time led me to change my number and basically attempt no contact. And what an attempt it was.. two days ago I changed my number, wrote an email and left it at that.

 

Today I gathered with my family and saw my father off to Afghanistan. The moment I walked into the gym where family/soldiers gather to say their goodbyes to one another I was instantly hit with major depression. I could only recall the last time I had deployed to Iraq and how I spent that entire week with my girlfriend. We had a lot of fun together and I can still remember the immense sadness we felt saying goodbye. She really was my rock during all of that and at that point we were set on getting married and spending our lives together (until everything fell apart during the deployment).

 

So, I made it through the occasion.. watched my dad leave, got back to my car and almost completely lost it thinking of her. I made it home, got on my computer and wrote her an email thanking her for doing that with me and reminding her how special that time we had together was.. basically to just get it off my chest. I followed that with taking a nap in a depressed state. I woke up later tonight and checked my email to see that she didn't even bother responding. That's when I broke my no contact (which wasn't really NC because I was emailing) and called her, blocking my number. She acted casual and asked what's up.. I asked if she got my email, she said yes. I asked her why she didn't reply and she asked me what she was supposed to say. I was grasping for anything really.. hell, just ****ing acknowledge my existence is what I was thinking. I heard a bunch of people in the background, a bunch of guys voices and a few girls. She said she was eating dinner and had to go and hung up. This was followed by a slew of emotions and some spiteful texts (how could she just blow me off when I'm obviously hurting so much?), which obviously I've come to now regret. She called me at about 2AM her time, when she got home from this "dinner" apparently, and asked what I want to say. Basically the conversation went nowhere as I tried to explain myself and she just basically said she wants to be friends - nothing more. She wants me to be there when she needs me and not bother when she doesn't want me, basically. And basically if I can't do that then she just wants her space. So another long night of feeling like ****, putting myself out there, pleading my case with her finally, and having no actual resolution and still being just as confused.

 

 

Am I just being completely stupid and weak?

Edited April 21, 2011 by CFM

[todd]

You need to move on and give her what she wants. She said she wants to be single so let her be. Even if she doesn't you need this time to move on yourself and get to a place where you can heal.

 

Do not try to plan out your life for this girl anymore more. Just live for yourself. You can very well move up where she lives but only if that is truly where you want to settle down and get a job. Do not move towards her just because she is there. You need to get her out of your life and focus on your own self. Read about what going NC really entails and stick to it until you are at a point in your life where you are comfortable with youself again and can open yourself to a possible relationship with someone else. Start filling up your spare time with activities and get to know new people in your area. This helped me a lot with the healing process. Almost every day of the week I am outside my house doing something and hanging out with new people. Get her out of your life by bringing new friends in.

[PinkChic]

Your post makes me so sad....

 

I feel like it's massive drama. I truly feel your pain, and it seems like your REALLY trying...

 

I was just having this conversation with someone at work today... I am also 25 and was in a 5 year relationship from 16 to 21 and i look back and remember how immature we yelled at each other and how it was a constant game on who could hurt the other with their words more... that's NOT a healthy relationship.

 

Please don't move to be closer to her... It sounds like she is playing massive head games. She wants you when it's convenient for HER. If you were to get back together wouldn't you always wonder if she was cheating on you? I sure would!... What respectable woman sleeps with another man while he is serving our country? NO EXCUSES FOR THAT. You should have cut it off right then and there!

 

What would you tell your friend if he was going through your situation?

 

I'm positive you would not tell him to move and chase this girl who is obviously NOT wanting to work it out.

 

I know how your feeling... at 25 you feel like all your friends are getting engaged, or married and you feel like your behind.. I know I feel that way sometimes but to be honest I've come to a point where I feel like I would rather be single with self respect than be with someone who doesn't respect me and I don't trust..

 

Good Luck to you and THANK YOU for serving our country!

[CFM]

Your post makes me so sad....

 

I feel like it's massive drama. I truly feel your pain, and it seems like your REALLY trying...

 

I was just having this conversation with someone at work today... I am also 25 and was in a 5 year relationship from 16 to 21 and i look back and remember how immature we yelled at each other and how it was a constant game on who could hurt the other with their words more... that's NOT a healthy relationship.

 

Please don't move to be closer to her... It sounds like she is playing massive head games. She wants you when it's convenient for HER. If you were to get back together wouldn't you always wonder if she was cheating on you? I sure would!... What respectable woman sleeps with another man while he is serving our country? NO EXCUSES FOR THAT. You should have cut it off right then and there!

 

What would you tell your friend if he was going through your situation?

 

I'm positive you would not tell him to move and chase this girl who is obviously NOT wanting to work it out.

 

I know how your feeling... at 25 you feel like all your friends are getting engaged, or married and you feel like your behind.. I know I feel that way sometimes but to be honest I've come to a point where I feel like I would rather be single with self respect than be with someone who doesn't respect me and I don't trust..

 

Good Luck to you and THANK YOU for serving our country!

 

Thanks for your advice. It is just getting ridiculous. I still can't wrap my head around how she can treat me the way she does. When does it click that you go from treating someone one way, loving them completely and wanting nothing more than them to not wanting anything to do with them? I think this time she's just really done a 180 turn and doesn't want me anymore. It literally kills me thinking of her with another person.. someone I know probably doesn't care about her in the same ways I do. There was a LOT of acceptance of things that she doesn't even reveal to other people about her life and personality.. and I doubt she will with anyone in fear of losing them unless they're years into a relationship. It just sucks being rejected. It sucks feeling like I made a mistake and if I hadn't left like I did that I would still have her every day and night. I hate feeling this way. I still need to start the no contact.. I'm just worried it will push her away even more. Then again, if she truly loves me and wants to be with me then eventually things will come around I guess. I just hate that she no longer says she loves me and that I come last to everyone else in her life. I guess she's made it clear though, she wants her space. She wants time with anyone but me right now.

 

This morning she called me after breakfast and we just talked. I avoided anything dramatic and just told her to have a good day. She also called me right after her hospital shift on the way home. It was the typical casual chat.. I asked the question that always hits me hard; "What are you doing tonight?" her response, "going out with some friends probably". Heh, this is the same girl that used to stay home and watch TV and go out once or twice a week that is now out literally every night til 1 or 2am. I just don't get it. Why does she even bother calling me? I don't even know what I am in her life.. a friend? A friend that comes last to every other friend, yet at one time in her life was the most important person? I can't make sense of it. I asked to come visit for a week when classes end for her to just talk face to face.. to cut out the phone line and just be real with each other. Right now she's against that because she thinks I can't handle just being friends, and I'll act like we're still a couple.. It's just time for no contact right?

 

Just a couple things for those with experience...

 

as I said in my initial post, is there any good behind closure? Would it help me to go up there in the mindset that I am saying goodbye and leave knowing that, or would it only set me back? (not sure if I can be set back more than I already am)

 

Secondly, when you guys have gone no contact... is there a typical amount of time you usually see things start to turn around if the person wants you back? 1 month? 3 months? 6 months? I figure anything longer would basically seal the deal on any relationship.

 

 

Thanks.

Edited April 22, 2011 by CFM

[PinkChic]

I always felt in all my relationship that I needed "closure" but I FINALLY realized that closure comes from within... NOTHING my ex could say or do (other than lets get back together and live happily ever after) would give me closure. Please tell me what you THINK she could say to you to give you "closure". "it's over"? "I don't love you"? ....Think about it....

 

As far as no contact... you can't go into no contact simply to try and get her back... it genuinely has to be a healing process for YOU.. trust me... i've been there!...

 

Sometimes I think we are so scared to "move on" and heal because we think the other person is also feeling those "moving on" and healing feelings and that scares us... we want to move on.. but gosh darnit we definitely don't want our exs to move on...

 

Everyone is different... I can tell you in my 5 year relationship (from 16 to 21/22) when we broke up i felt a massive weight off my shoulders... when i tell the story now... filled with all the drama and the head games.. I would be lieing if I said i didn't love him.. we had JUST bought a home together, were engaged and had a dog... i genuinely loved him but i was emotionally checked out of the relationship a good 2 years before we ended... some people, as selfish as it sounds stay in relationships and gradually push themselves away KNOWING it's going to end... they are going through that break up/healing process while they are "still in the relationship"... which sounds like what she is doing to you... that whole sometimes i'll talk to you, sometimes I won't...

 

The fact of the matter is that it's not fair to you. Stop letting her beat you up... why would she stop playing head games with you? your letting her. She has the best of both worlds right now. She is going out partying (and I'm not sure how old she is but when your in your early/mid 20's there's usually only one reason you go out all the time... and how many do you know that go out everynight that have a significant other?) and she is stringing you along... she has ZERO reason to stop because YOU are letting her do it!

 

Sorry for the harshness but from an outside percpective it's crystal clear.

[Chi townD]

Dude, this is one of the most TOXIC relationships I ever read about. You need to get as far away from this girl as possible and stay there. I'm a vet too and I was in Iraq as well. The next time you get to thinking about her, FORCE yourself to remember that phone call you made with her telling you she was cuddle up next to this guy in bed. Go NC and stay there! There are millions of women in the world that know how to treat their men. This girl doesn't have a frickin clue!

 

If she contacts you (which I pray to God she won't) do not respond. I KNOW you have her Facebook page. De-friend her. Don't answer anything from her and I don't care how much you want to talk to her, you're better off not to. Time to start healing bro!

[CFM]

I don't really know what I'd want to hear from her as far as closure. My idea of it would just be to go up there and see her. Talk face to face, not this over the phone garbage where she holds back and I can't see her face while she hurts me. I know there's things she's said on the phone that she couldn't to my face. It's her wall and there's no breaking it down when I'm not physically with her, and she's damn well aware of that.. that's the reason I think she doesn't want to see me. She doesn't want to become vulnerable. Maybe I'm wrong but it just feels like going up there to end it once and for all would just make me feel better. Saying goodbye to her family and really knowing as I leave that it is the last time.. instead of how I left in March, thinking that I'd be there again soon and everything. I just want to do a few of the things we always did together and tell myself this is the last time.

 

I guess it's much easier to just see from the outside in how bad this relationship really is. I put a lot of the blame on myself for us failing, but can vividly recall times where I was putting my absolute best foot forward in the relationship and she did not treat me well. I just blame myself.. I left her, and here I am wishing I hadn't. I guess what's done is now done though and clearly nothing about this relationship is healthy for either of us anymore. I just wish she'd wake up one day and treat me like she did when I was there a month ago. I wish she'd just remember all we'd been through together. I guess that will never happen though.. we always seem to be on different pages. I'm hot and she's cold, or she's hot and I'm cold. I guess it's pretty much a dysfunctional relationship all around. Frustrating it all came to this.

 

Oh well, now I guess I'll try my very best at no contact. I still want her back, but I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't put myself out there to get destroyed anymore. I should have ended it when I returned from Iraq, but I gave in to some weaknesses and really thought that after 4 years together it was worth giving it a real shot to be together. Maybe one day when she becomes more mature and I get my life back in order things will come together again for us, if not she'll always be in my memories and hold a special place in my heart.

 

Thanks for your advice here. Getting this stuff out helps.

Edited April 22, 2011 by CFM