So what is wrong with me?

[loadofhoopla]

I dated a guy for almost three years, from when I was 19-22.

 

We lived together for a year and a half of the relationship. It was a learning process for me at least. I had never been in a real relationship before and I spent a lot of it trying to make him jealous, and starting fights over petty bull****.

 

We broke up my first month of law school, which was three hours away from where he lived. I couldn't take the long-distance, and I cheated on him the first weekend he couldn't come up to see me. Just thinking about how stupid I was literally makes me sick to my stomach. I told him, and he dumped me. Good for him, he needed to. But man, I was so heartbroken.

 

I couldn't stop contacting him. I loved him so much, I have never felt pain like that in my entire life. I would have rather lost an arm or a leg or both than lost him. He was sweet, so kind, and without a doubt the love of my life. But I kept pushing and pushing. He would ask for time and I would call or text all day everyday. But there were still times he would tell me he loved me. Everytime I saw him those months it was like we couldn't stop touching each other.

 

The lowest moment was when I sent a sort of mean text to him-his ignoring me was literally killing me. He said he was going to change his number. I was so mortified I never contacted him again. He friended me on facebook earlier this year but I deleted him as a friend because I didn't want to make my current boyfriend uncomfortable.

 

I started dating my current boyfriend at the end of that school year. We have been together almost two years now. While I love him, and could see myself spending my life with him, I cannot stop thinking about my ex.

 

He is dating someone else now, and with the way he treated me, I know he is good to her. I am glad, he really deserves someone who can be as good for him as I was not mature enough to be.

 

Sometimes I just miss him so much my heart hurts and I want to tell him how sorry I am for everything. Do you think that he never loved me as much as I loved him? Obviously I was the one in the wrong. I behaved very poorly and I broke his heart as much as he broke mine. Sometimes I wonder though if he ever thinks about me the way I think about him.