JLB Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Need to really implement a 180...but how do I really do it with kids involved? The kids stay with their father on the weekends (they are 14 and 16). While he has them on the weekends, I have been getting texts from my girls asking me to join all 3 of them for lunch...or more recently, asking if I want to come by the house for breakfast before I go to work (I have moved out of our home). When I asked my 16 year old whose idea it was to text me and ask me to lunch or to come by for breakfast, she says "it was all dad's idea." I don't get why he can't ask me himself if he wants me to join them. I talked to a good friend of mine and she said that he is still trying to have his cake and eat it too. She says that he is trying to get his family fix by having me come over to the house or to join them out for lunch. He is still seeing his OW, but tells me that it's not serious with her. This past Friday night, my daughter invited me out to her birthday dinner with her dad and my youngest daughter. I said "okay" since it was her birthday dinner out. I called my oldest daughter who is 22 and asked her if she wanted to join us, along with her fiance and their 2 year old son. So if you had seen us all out, you would never know that we are separated and going through his having an affair for the last year and half. We were actually having a really good time...we had a bit of a wait at the restaurant so we sat down and listened to the country band play and the adults in the group all had a beer...I had my camera and took lots of pictures of everyone. We ended up having a really good dinner...and afterwords we hung out again by the band outside and had another beer. At that point, I looked over at WSO and he was texting on his phone. I shouldn't have said anything, but I couldn't help myself. I said "Oh are you checking in?" and he rolled his eyes at me...He says "no, she wants to know if you are with us" and then I got riled. I said "this is MY family" and it's none of her flipping business if I'm here or not. That was the buzzkill and it ended our fun night. I took them all back to the house, my kids jumped out of the car and went inside and then we stood outside for a minute. He looked like he didn't have any words for me. I asked him "why does she need to know anything about me or if I'm with you, it's none of her business" and he says "I know, I know...you're right it is none of her business"....He really wasn't argumentative with me...I was the one arguing with him. I was angry that all of a sudden this OW is making me look like the OW. WSO still downplays their seriousness. He says it is what it is...not serious, and that he hardly sees her. He told me that "right now, he likes their relationship because there are NO EXPECTATIONS." He tells me that he likes being around me, but just didn't like the relationship part of US" I said "the only reason you didn't like the relationship part of us, was because I wouldn't let you go cheat on me....Other than that, our relationship wasn't bad. Yes, we had some fixing to do with meeting emotional needs. It wasn't enough to send you looking for someone else" He clams up, doesn't want to talk about it. Even though we had a birthday dinner night out on Friday, today is my daughters actual birthday, so he asked me if I was going with him and the girls to lunch today. I again said "okay" because my pastor told me it's not about him or you, it's about your daughter. So I went...again...nice lunch...I wasn't the one to start any conversations...but he instead started the conversations with me...and I was nice and talked to him. So I think at this point...he doesn't really miss me...I am pretty easy to get a hold of and my kids pretty much will tell him where I'm at, what I'm doing etc. if he asks. We don't speak to each other all week. He doesn't call me, I don't call him. We don't text each other, we don't email each other. But when he has the kids, he always invites me to join in what they are doing. Now that the birthday and dinner is over...I don't have to "make nice" and be around him. Everything I have read says not to be cold and to just make it look like you're moving on with your life...I think at this point...that should be easy to do if it's not a birthday or holiday where my kids expect all of us to be together. Easter is a dilemma for me...I really don't want to have a typical Easter family day like we have always done. He needs to miss that!! He isn't going to change or want me back if it's this easy for him. How do I do this without looking like a cold bitter Beotch? Also, I feel like he thinks I am accepting his affair...and that we are now like Demi (Moore) and Bruce (Willis) and can go out with each other and our kids and be civil and he can go spend time with his OW and I can go do what I want, and everyones happy right?? No, I am not happy living like this. I want our family back together together...not this F'd up way of living apart and getting together for dinner and lunch and all is good. I think he should stop having my kids text me if he wants me to join them for lunch, breakfast or whatever...he is making it look like he is asking me to join them for their sake. I want him to want me to join them for his sake.
Spark1111 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I'm no 180 expert, but if it were me, I'd legitimately make my own plans (grocery shopping, a bubble bath, a movie, whatever) and then let the kids know that you have plans before they go to their dad's house. You don't have to tell them what the plans are, just tell them you've made plans. Excellent advice! For special occasions, you do have to honor your children and be a fun participant in their lives, always. Ignore him, pay attention to them and always be polite. You should not engage any dialogue about his OW, her wants, her needs, his needing to check in, or your relationship! If he starts to text, you can start to text also while smiling at your phone claiming it's a friend, or refocus your attention on your children. Aain, IGNORE HIM....and her. If it is NOT your child's birthday, be busy, make up fun plans, and decline. I sense he is still cake-eating: wanting the happy family life while having his fun on the side. He wants his kids to not see him as the bad guy, or he wants to run to her and reassure her how well your separation is going. Do not participate in their drama, as it fuels the affair. You are doing fine. Continue to be a devoted mother, but do not act as if he is of importance to you, other than the father of your children, in any way shape or form.
Baroness67 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Honestly, this was the hardest, hardest thing for me to do. There were times during my worst difficulties with my H (completely checked out) when we would have to spend time with our extended families. I would be there watching my sisters and their very involved husbands playing with their kids, and there would be my H and his phone, texting away. I literally felt a thump in my heart when you described being at the restaurant and seeing him texting and knowing it was to the OW. Under these circumstances it is close to virtually impossible to act in any way other than knee-jerk reaction. I agree that while checking out and doing some of the 180 stuff is totally beneficial, I have to say that I don't agree that it's helpful during the family stuff. I personally think you should take every opportunity to be there with your husband during a family event, no matter how difficult it is. And lord, I know how excruciatingly difficult it is to hold it together. It is counterintuitive to everything your instincts make you want to do. My reasons behind this are the following. You can agree with them or not, but they are my honest thoughts: 1. It is as your pastor said, about your kids and not about you or your spouse. Suck it up for them. Whether you stay together with your H or not, you will never regret having been there for your kids later. Don't let your H's choices take family time away from your kids. They might be your last times together as a nuclear family unit or not, but either way, don't think your children don't cherish these times when things can seem "normal." 2. Absent yourself enough from things, and you will freely hand your H the excuse that he asked and you declined, that he wanted you there and you had something 'better' to do, even giving the appearance that Daddy cares, but Mommy doesn't. There were times when I was a kid when my parents could so not stand to be near each other that if I had a school play, only one of them would be there. To me, this translated as "Dad's anger for mom is more important than his love for me." It also gave Mom an excuse to say "Well, you see I cared more about you than your Dad." 3. The more you absent yourself, the more they get familiar with your not being around. Do it consistently and regularly enough and you will soon not be missed. 4. Don't ever give your husband the opening to put his OW in your place. ("Well, Mom doesn't want to be here, but Vicky wanted to come along.") 5. If all else fails, get seriously shallow and realize that every moment you are spending with your children and H together is a hot needle under the fingernail of the OW. Every time you decline to be with your husband and kids together because you are too angry is another note in the music to her ears. There were times when I was so confused about what I wanted to do and what I thought I should do that I had to stop and put myself in the OW's shoes. What would she be hoping I would do? And then I did the opposite. I hope at least some of these thoughts are helpful to contemplate.
Author JLB Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 I tried really hard to stay away...didn't work. I know that this was more about my kids and Easter memories for them than it was about their father and I. On Saturday night, I was invited over to the house by one of my teens. They were going to watch a movie with their father and asked if I wanted to come watch the movie too. I asked her while on the phone, if she was inviting or if it was "dad" inviting. She said it was "dads' idea." I figured. Anyways...I told her I had plans to go out...so I went out. Shortly after I declined the invite...my youngest daughter texted me and said "are we getting anything for Easter " I told her to ask her dad and she said that she didn't think he was doing anything for them. I had a feeling that their dad would do absolutely nothing for Easter for them in regards to baskets. Not that it makes him a bad father, it's just not who he is or has ever been...that was always something I did, because my mom did it for me and I brought that tradition into my family. Before I went out Saturday night, I stopped at Walmart and stocked up on tons of Easter candy and stuff to prepare baskets. Even though my girls are 22, 16 and 14 I still make them Easter baskets, and they love it. This year I included my grandson and future son in law with baskets. Sunday morning, I took the baskets over early before the kids got up. I ended up staying at the house for awhile till they all got up, then I asked them what they were all doing for easter dinner. He told me that he had no plans whatsoever...in fact, he made a joke that Sonic was open. He probably would have taken them to Sonic too! LOL. So this is where I threw the 180 out the window...for that day. I quickly put together green bean casserole, deviled eggs, fruit salad and ham sandwiches....we packed up the jeep and ALL of us went and spent the day at the park. Including WS....we had a great time!! We spent about 3 hours at the park, we had a picnic on the grass on a blanket...we had grandbaby with us and my oldest daughter, so we played with him on the playground....ate our picnic lunch and just bonded as a family, even though are family is really broken right now...it was as if we were whole again. And where was OW?? who knows? He didn't text or make any phonecalls at least where any of us could see. I didn't ask where or what she was doing, all I know is that he spent Easter with US! The entire day!! I hope the OW was fit to be tied... Later that evening, my 14 year old updated her facebook status: "Had a Wonderful Day!!" That in itself, makes me feel good that I went with my heart and made the right decision on how to handle Easter.
Author JLB Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 Honestly, this was the hardest, hardest thing for me to do. There were times during my worst difficulties with my H (completely checked out) when we would have to spend time with our extended families. I would be there watching my sisters and their very involved husbands playing with their kids, and there would be my H and his phone, texting away. I literally felt a thump in my heart when you described being at the restaurant and seeing him texting and knowing it was to the OW. Under these circumstances it is close to virtually impossible to act in any way other than knee-jerk reaction. I agree that while checking out and doing some of the 180 stuff is totally beneficial, I have to say that I don't agree that it's helpful during the family stuff. I personally think you should take every opportunity to be there with your husband during a family event, no matter how difficult it is. And lord, I know how excruciatingly difficult it is to hold it together. It is counterintuitive to everything your instincts make you want to do. My reasons behind this are the following. You can agree with them or not, but they are my honest thoughts: 1. It is as your pastor said, about your kids and not about you or your spouse. Suck it up for them. Whether you stay together with your H or not, you will never regret having been there for your kids later. Don't let your H's choices take family time away from your kids. They might be your last times together as a nuclear family unit or not, but either way, don't think your children don't cherish these times when things can seem "normal." 2. Absent yourself enough from things, and you will freely hand your H the excuse that he asked and you declined, that he wanted you there and you had something 'better' to do, even giving the appearance that Daddy cares, but Mommy doesn't. There were times when I was a kid when my parents could so not stand to be near each other that if I had a school play, only one of them would be there. To me, this translated as "Dad's anger for mom is more important than his love for me." It also gave Mom an excuse to say "Well, you see I cared more about you than your Dad." 3. The more you absent yourself, the more they get familiar with your not being around. Do it consistently and regularly enough and you will soon not be missed. 4. Don't ever give your husband the opening to put his OW in your place. ("Well, Mom doesn't want to be here, but Vicky wanted to come along.") 5. If all else fails, get seriously shallow and realize that every moment you are spending with your children and H together is a hot needle under the fingernail of the OW. Every time you decline to be with your husband and kids together because you are too angry is another note in the music to her ears. There were times when I was so confused about what I wanted to do and what I thought I should do that I had to stop and put myself in the OW's shoes. What would she be hoping I would do? And then I did the opposite. I hope at least some of these thoughts are helpful to contemplate. Baroness, I posted a reply before I had read your response and I agree with you 100%.... thank you for the tips. I need to write all these things down to keep reminding myself of no knee jerk responses in regards to him and OW...and also my therapist who keeps telling me "no drama"...I think I am finally getting past the drama of it. I guess I am letting the "hurt" go and now focusing on what's important here, and it's the children.
Baroness67 Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 So this is where I threw the 180 out the window...for that day. I quickly put together green bean casserole, deviled eggs, fruit salad and ham sandwiches....we packed up the jeep and ALL of us went and spent the day at the park. Including WS....we had a great time!! We spent about 3 hours at the park, we had a picnic on the grass on a blanket...we had grandbaby with us and my oldest daughter, so we played with him on the playground....ate our picnic lunch and just bonded as a family, even though are family is really broken right now...it was as if we were whole again. And where was OW?? who knows? He didn't text or make any phonecalls at least where any of us could see. I didn't ask where or what she was doing, all I know is that he spent Easter with US! The entire day!! I hope the OW was fit to be tied... Later that evening, my 14 year old updated her facebook status: "Had a Wonderful Day!!" That in itself, makes me feel good that I went with my heart and made the right decision on how to handle Easter. I am so proud of you !!!!! :) You did GREAT !!!!!
Baroness67 Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 and also my therapist who keeps telling me "no drama"...I think I am finally getting past the drama of it. I guess I am letting the "hurt" go and now focusing on what's important here, and it's the children. It is so much better when you can get past the hurt. It doesn't happen overnight, but those days when you finally realize that something that triggered your heart to drop at one point now elicits almost no reaction - wow, I was so happy when those days finally started to come. It's so weird, sometimes now when an old trigger comes up, I feel more distaste than hurt, if that makes sense. I don't feel like crying over it, it's more like "ugh, moving on" and then I do. It almost felt like a last stage in "growing up" which was so strange! You think you are quite grown up at midlife, and then something else happens, and there you are, who knew, there is more growing to do And I agree with your therapist. Drama breeds drama. Calm begets calm. I like the calm a lot better. It's not whether life knocks you down. It's if and how you get back on your feet
Author JLB Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 It is so much better when you can get past the hurt. It doesn't happen overnight, but those days when you finally realize that something that triggered your heart to drop at one point now elicits almost no reaction - wow, I was so happy when those days finally started to come. It's so weird, sometimes now when an old trigger comes up, I feel more distaste than hurt, if that makes sense. I don't feel like crying over it, it's more like "ugh, moving on" and then I do. It almost felt like a last stage in "growing up" which was so strange! You think you are quite grown up at midlife, and then something else happens, and there you are, who knew, there is more growing to do And I agree with your therapist. Drama breeds drama. Calm begets calm. I like the calm a lot better. It's not whether life knocks you down. It's if and how you get back on your feet Exactly. I am pretty numb to it now...my therapist says "if you water a plant, what happens?? It lives...if you don't water it, what happens? It dies" He used that analogy in regards to the affair...he says as long as I get "bent" by what he is doing...it's like throwing water on a plant, it's gonna thrive...If I just let it go, move on, do my own thing...well maybe "they" can water their affair, but I'm not going to...I'm letting it die in my mind... Baroness, are you back with your H?
Recommended Posts