Karma621 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 My girlfriend and I have what you will all shortly agree is one of the most complicated relationships possible. She is Italian, living in Italy. I am American, living in the US. We are lesbians. We are both each other's first loves. We are both barely 18, started dating at 17. her parents can't know. bascially, what had been happening is that we were in a LDR from about May last year while I lived in a different part of Italy up until now (I am back in the US) I moved back to the US in June, but we had seen each other for a total of 7 days in June. The next time I saw her was a month ago in March when I went back to Italy for 11 days. This should probably give a pretty good demonstration of how in love we are. I really don't believe that the average high school couple would go to these lengths... the hard part is that I just broke up with her this past week. I have no idea why I did it. I mean, I suppose I do, but I cannot convince myself (I am incredibly indecisive) that I truly did the right thing and I'm not making a mistake. I did it because... I guess I just didnt see how it could work, at least for now, with EVERYTHING against us. I had always thought we could make it work, because now I am graduating and going on a gap year to be an au pair (a nanny overseas for a year) I had always planned on going to Italy that year and then later we would decide how to make it through different colleges. Well... I just don't know. I said that I couldnt anymore because I couldnt see a future and I didnt want either of us sacrificing our dreams to move across the world for the other; we are too young and I am not really ready for that type of commitment. However she says that she would have done anything and she is SURE we could have worked it out and a love like ours is so rare and I am making a huge mistake because we've come so far. We really ended it SO well, on the best of terms, planning on talking again in about 2 weeks (on what would be our year anniversary) and just agreeing that I at least needed a break, that could possibly last a year, and the understanding that in the meantime we were free to see other people and live our own lives. No guarantees but no ITS OVER FOREVERs.... and I feel like I really should feel peace because its been almost a month that this has been in my mind not counting all the normal stresses of an LDR like constant fighting and tubro-jealousy. But now I know she is with other people, and that kills me. It also kills me coming home and being alone. It kills me because I still love her as much as always and because ALL of the guilt is on me (I cant even comfort myself with 'she ddnt want it, screw her') all I have is myself to blame and even though I know that I am not ready to be together, I am not ready to be apart and I JUST CANNOT DECIDE I am driving myself absolutely crazy.. help?
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