Arguments against no contact?

[Mesaboog]

Alright, so I searched the forums but didn't find too much regarding the less common stance on NC. Most everyone on LS thinks NC is the absolute way to go in most breakups.

Out of curiosity, who here disagrees with NC being the only solution? I want to hear the other side of it and see both sides. So tell me your experiences and when you think cutting off all contact is inappropriate (excluding breakups/divorces with kids involved).

 

I'd appreciate any input, thanks

[Hules]

Sure if you like the following non-NC is great:

 

No-Self respect.

No Dignity.

Like been emotionally used.

Like/enjoy Mental Torture.

Like been stuck in the past.

Like been in a one sided "friendship" situation.

Like reliving the break-up over and over (see stuck in past).

Enjoy been an option or second choice.

 

Honestly there is no reason to stay in contact with someone after a breakup unless you are selfish (if your the dumper) or desperate (been the dumpee). Unless there is of course as you said kids involved that makes things much more complicated.

[poorguy]

Iif you enjoy your sanity you will love NC in time. If you don't value your sanity then you will hate it.......that's the skinny on NC.

[Mesaboog]

I actually believe NC is almost always the best choice. I just wanted to hear the other side of it.

[PelicanPete]

Honestly, for MOST of the situations that are posted on here NC is the best answer. I feel it isn't the universal answer for every situation though, it really depends on the break up itself. Almost all break ups do require NC at some point though, or else it isn't really a break up.

 

If the break up is more of "needing to figure things out" type scenario, then NC may not be the best answer. If there is just a huge misunderstanding and they left assuming the wrong thing, you don't just go NC and ignore it.

 

Can't reduce every breakup to one answer, that would require love to be rational and logical which it isn't.

[Fufu]

my personal take on this

 

If the relationship has not broken up, communication is essential, especially face to face communication. Listen to each other feelings and work things out amicably.

 

 

IF the relationship has broken up, when one person chooses to give up on the relationship. Usually in this case, communication will not really work already because the person who chooses to let go almost all the times they are not interested to listen and communicate to the other party already.

 

 

When a relationship ended, it's up to the individual if he/she wants to seek NC or not.

 

By far, personally to me, NC works the best for Dumpees to heal their emotional wounds and to move on from a failed relationship. NC helps me to rediscover myself, learned from my previous mistakes in the relationship, build up self-esteem and confidence.

 

If the individual feels that NC is not for them to move on, it's fine. However, if individual decides to seek non-NC, they have to think whether they are absolutely okay/fine with the followings.

 

- Hearing from your ex bf/gf of their happy lives (When you are not with them anymore)

 

- Hearing from your ex bg/gf of their new dates

 

- Hearing from your ex bf/gf how right they are from breaking up with you

 

- Hearing from your ex bf/gf they like someone else

 

- Hearing from your ex bf/gf they are super confused (But they don't show any initiative contact and action that they want to be with you again)

 

- Hearing from your ex bf/gf they found their new partners and hope you can wish them all the best.

 

 

If the individual can take the above very well, non-NC can work for the individual.

Edited April 21, 2011 by Fufu

[aypforever]

See my thread in Coping..

 

NC is a logical choice for most people. For other situations it don't work so well. For a messy breakup, NC is logical, because they probably don't want to talk to you either. For an indifferent break up, you're better off just telling them you need space for awhile and do your NC.. if they try to contact you, they should know that you still need space.

[Popondetta]

I agree with most Lovershackers who say that NC is the best way to get over your ex, to get stronger, to become yourself again, to stop obsessing about ex (not sure if it works), to move on with your life and find happiness again.

 

In some cases I think LC (limited contact) could be ok, especially during certain periods after the breakup (if you need to clear things up etc).

 

I'm in NC with my ex, but I broke it once after the breakup, just because I wanted to get back som sort of balance and friendly tone (We didn't argue during the RS or the BU, and after he dumped me I never begged him to come back or anything like that). I just sent him a short email after 5 weeks of NC to say hi. I did this mostly because my ego is hurt and I wanted him to see that I was doing fine. I didn't want his pity, so I told him I'm doing fine etc. He replied that it was great hearing from me etc.

So even though after this email from him I wanted more of him for a day or two, now I feel better for just knowing that I reached out a hand and showed him that I'm moving on with my life and I'm not remorseful.

(I admit I also have hopes that he will take me back someday, and that's a big motivation for pretending to be strong. I don't want him to know how upset I've really been).

 

I don't think it's a good idea to see your ex unless you need to deal with practical stuff, things, moving out etc.

 

Stay NC as much as you can, but it's ok with LC sometimes

[flitzanu]

well, instead of arguing, let me ask this.

 

your gf/bf just dumped you. dumping means "i need space" or "i need a break" or "i need time." they don't mean anything other than "i want to break up, at least for now." so back to the question. you just got dumped. why would the dumper want to be friends with you or contact you?

 

reverse that...you're the dumpee. why on earth do you want to talk to the person that just dumped YOU? you're not friends, you're obviously not going to convince them to "come back" otherwise they wouldnt' be dumping you, so exactly why do you need to communicate with them at all?

[ilovedhim]

This made me think and I'm nc with all my exes and I just learned the term recently. It just makes sense.

 

The only time I would think nc wouldn't be required is in very long term relationships where the couple realized one day that they're like brothers and sisters anyway. And decided to split but remain friends.

 

Why do you ask? Lol

[sandman223]

I say no contact is almost always the best way to go, unless there are extenuating circumstances involved like children, working together, etc.

 

I am in NC right now and its extremely hard. But I know pushing through will be best for me in the long run.

[Trovador]

I have in mind two possible scenarios.

 

First:

 

I've been a strong advocate of NC; even so, I've always thought (and suggested) that some people might have a better shot at a second chance by staying around their ex.

 

I don't know if that's what you want in your particular case (I hope not), but according to my experience, when you go NC it's easier for the ex to forget you, even if he/she might considere going back to you. Worse, sometimes they contact you, just to learn the other party is bitter and pretending he has moved on (do you think they really buy these tantrums of us?), what reaffirms their decision about breaking up in the first place. In any case, they don't have a chance to see how well you are doing, that you have improved, that you are the same funny, brilliant person they fall in love with. For all we know, they think we are the same obnoxious people they cut ties with.

 

But even if they'd have us in great regard, they are not seeing us and remember, out of sight, out of mind. I have always taken with a pinch of salt the aseveration of well intenitoned posters about exes missing us after some NC period (which fluctuates between X months and Y months). It is enough to read a few threads of people in NC who had high hopes of getting back their exes. I'd be grateful if you could pinpoint to me a case where an ex came back succesfully after a time of NC. In all the posts I have read there seems to be lacking something, like the ex didn't come back and it was more a case of a poster boasting about the ex making contact.

 

Anyway, as I said, this is what I think, when someone wants a second chance. But this is something I don't recommend, a second chance that is. We all are better off thinking that our exes are not coming back. Never.

 

The second scenario:

When you really want to move on, but as we all know, NC is a b***. Again, it is enough to read some threads on this forum to realize how inhuman is NC. People obssess, get sick, cries, fall in depressions, are unable to function properly... etc. Any of us could add one particular kind of suffering NC brings along. Sometimes all you want is to heal and forget your past failed relationship but NC does everything but that. During NC I thought all the time of my ex, I dreamed of her every night and I almost went crazy just because I was in NC, not because I really wanted to contact her... in other words, it was easier and faster to get over her while staying in contact than during NC...

 

And I did it. Don't believe me? I posted about it some time ago. I was able to move on while talking and hanging out with her. It wasn't a trick, a game or a strategy. I really wanted out of that relationship, but NC seemed to get me stuck with it.

 

Funny thing is my ex asked me back. I had a second chance when I didn't want it.

 

But as I said this is my experience and opinion, reinforced by the hundreds of threads on LS about these same topics. Go read them. Draw your own conclusions.

 

NC is a blessing, but it's not the panacea for broken relationships. Even so, while we discover a better "tool" for broken hearts, go NC! (only mild sarcasm)...

 

Sorry for my poor Engrish and peace out!!!!

[Mesaboog]

Trovador, I really like your perspective. With my situation, I am hoping for a second chance down the road. I hate to admit it and realize my head isn't very clear at the moment. Although I don't want to wait around every day getting my hopes up either.

 

I do think NC can ruin chances of getting back together and I agree how inhuman it can be. Many times with break ups it's difficult to know the right way to deal with it. With my situation I'm having trouble figuring out the right answer myself.

 

NC is a no brainer in these circumstances-one of the parties did something to deeply hurt the other, mistreatment/abuse, cheating, the people aren't right for each other, one person absolutely does not want the other person anymore.

 

But what about the good relationships that ended for other reasons? Is NC really the right answer for 9 out of 10 breakups? I'd like to hear about some success stories with keeping contact

[Hules]

Trovador, I really like your perspective. With my situation, I am hoping for a second chance down the road. I hate to admit it and realize my head isn't very clear at the moment. Although I don't want to wait around every day getting my hopes up either.

 

I do think NC can ruin chances of getting back together and I agree how inhuman it can be. Many times with break ups it's difficult to know the right way to deal with it. With my situation I'm having trouble figuring out the right answer myself.

 

NC is a no brainer in these circumstances-one of the parties did something to deeply hurt the other, mistreatment/abuse, cheating, the people aren't right for each other, one person absolutely does not want the other person anymore.

 

But what about the good relationships that ended for other reasons? Is NC really the right answer for 9 out of 10 breakups? I'd like to hear about some success stories with keeping contact

 

Part in bold, I assume you are talking about your relationship of 4 months? Not saying this to be harsh but a suspected case of GIGS does not equal a good breakup. Unless you wanted it as well which I very highly doubt.

 

The reasons your ex gave you were childish and immature at best not to mention selfish. I don't know what other reasons there might of been since you didn't really go into detail about your relationship.

 

I get the feeling you still have the rose-tinted glasses on and look back on your relationship as been great as time passes you will realise things that you didn't or let slide because you were infatuated/in-love with your ex.

 

I have seen many breakups with my friends usually they come to talk to me about this stuff. The ones who chose to hang around trying to win their ex's back ended up been broken messes and discarded when the dumper found someone else.

 

In the cases where my friends have been the dumpers they would often complain about the ex not respecting their wishes and leaving them alone. The only time the dumpers would question their decision is when the dumpee disappeared off the face of the planet.

 

I will keep this short from what I have witnessed.

 

Couple breaks up:

 

Dumpee stays in contact with Dumper = Dumpee getting told to take a hike or emotionally/physically used until something better came along.

 

Dumpee accepts Dumpers request to be "friends" = see above.

 

Dumper tries to patch things up shortly (few days - couple months) after breakup = couple usually ends up back together for a short period of time (couple weeks - couple of months) then break up again. (In my opinion a couple of months is not nearly enough time for a person to reflect on a relationship and make positive changes). I only know of one couple who got back together after a short period of time and made it last. However they ended up breaking up a year and a half later anyway.

 

Dumper and Dumpee go NC from each other for extended period of time (several months to years):

 

Most of the time both parties have moved on by this point however I have had a few friends rekindle relationships with ex's at this point and these were the ones that ended up working out.

 

So I will let you take what you want from my personal observations. I don't think NC is inhuman at all. It is self-preservation which is one of the most basic human/animal traits. So I think labeling NC as inhuman is not accurate at all.

 

You need to think of your ex like a drug habit, your brain gets addicted to the happy chemical release you got from been around your ex. Then one day it stops, whats your bodies natural reaction?

 

Withdrawal and will try to get you to pick up the drug habit again. You need to go cold turkey if you are ever to get over it.

 

Sorry to refer to your ex as a drug habit, I'm in no way saying shes a bad person but you need to focus on you now. That requires you going into detox.

 

NC is smart if you value yourself. If you are meant to be with your ex, it will happen one way or another. been NC or not will not make them change their mind. The only difference between the two is one road will lead to pain and suffering for you. The other will lead to acceptance and peace (only you get over the initial withdrawal phase, which I will admit is a ****ing bitch).

 

Hope this helps. Good luck.

 

Whilst I find Trovadors perspective admirable, I do not think it is healthy/realistic to stay in contact with someone that is causing you great pain (through rejection). Anyone that says that NC is a panacea for relationships is a fool. It is about taking back your life, dignity and self respect. Sometimes it can lead to new relationships been made with ex's most of the time it doesn't.

Edited April 22, 2011 by Hules

[love is dangerous]

every contact i have made with my ex has made everything worse when i look back and i realised had i maintained no contact would have been much better off. at the time you are about to make contact it seems the best thign ever but it rarely is . NO CONTACT THE BEST WAY FORWARD. when you first break no contact it just ends in a spiral downwards of emotional outbursts for me anyway , and you simply will have to start again .

Edited April 22, 2011 by love is dangerous

[Mesaboog]

Hules, for me I am still standing by no contact. I fully realize that (hopefully soon) I can take off the rose tinted glasses and see everything for what it is. That was my reason for going NC in the first place. So I agree with what you're saying completely, but I do have those days where I'm not so confident and wonder if it's the right choice. However, I will not think about breaking NC until I've got my head on straight.

 

And no, g.i.g.s. doesn't mean a good breakup. My breakup was childish. The relationship was flawless before that, which gives me a little hope. I also understand that the past can't be relived and any second chance would be a totally new relationship. I'm not counting on it, I'm not obsessing over as second chance, and I have my mind set on moving on. Yet the hope is still in the back of my head for the time being.

[Mesaboog]

every contact i have made with my ex has made everything worse when i look back and i realised had i maintained no contact would have been much better off. at the time you are about to make contact it seems the best thign ever but it rarely is . NO CONTACT THE BEST WAY FORWARD. when you first break no contact it just ends in a spiral downwards of emotional outbursts for me anyway , and you simply will have to start again .

I know this to be very true from experience. I don't really have experience with reconnecting with an ex after a long period of not speaking though, so I've been wondering about that

[ASG]

I am a firm believer in maintaining a friendship with exes. Sometimes it can't be done, though, and that's ok as well.

 

So for me, the whole "why would you want to be in contact with someone who dumped you" thing doesn't make a lot of sense.

I'm very non confrontational and because of that I tend to stay in relationships way past their sell by date, so I've mostly been dumped, in life!

 

But I don't think I've ever been completely NC with an ex, I've always had to deal with them in some sort of way, even when I didn't want to, because we were in the same group of friends, or school or something like that.

 

That being said, I've also, at times, chosen to maintain contact, to preserve the friendship.

 

When my ex-ex dumped me, I wanted him back, but I kinda knew it wasn't gonna happen. But he wanted to remain friends and I agreed.

We would go for coffee regularly and I'll admit that it was somewhat tortuous to see him and know he didn't want me. A few weeks later he told me he was dating someone else. I thought I was gonna die! It was actually worse than the breakup itself!

 

But I toughed it out! We kept in contact and would see each other on occasion. But after a few months I just didn't care! I was ready to meet his new gf. I was completely over him and we are still friends, even though we don't see each other very often now, cause I've moved to another country!

 

My latest relationship ended very differently with both of us realising it just wasn't ment to be, cause we were making each other miserable. I don't want him back, cause it wouldn't work, no matter how much we care about one another.

We decided to remain friends, cause we get along quite well. Seeing each other is still not easy, specially cause the attraction is still very much there, so we try to keep that to a minimum. But I find that even though we talk regularly, I'm not hung up on him and would quite like to start dating. Maybe not seriously, but.. baby steps!

Of course it will hurt when he finds someone else. But I will be happy for him. And I'll meet someone else and he'll be happy for me. Cause we weren't happy together.

 

Maybe for most people NC is the way to go. For me LC or even regular contact hasn't prevented me from moving on.

[Johnny85]

- You can't have the cake and eat it too.

 

I suppose the quote is a way of saying "take it or leave it." He/She wants to be your friend (which only benefits him/her), but what are you getting out of it? When he/she feels lonely, she knows that she can contact you for comfort. But what about your feelings and needs? As long as she knows that she can contact you whenever she feels like it (the cake) and have you back whenever it is right for her (eating the cake), she will continue this behavior (if we always do what we have always done, we will always get what we have always gotten).

 

 

One thing I know for certain is this: the more attention you give her, or every time you give her an ultimatum about getting back together, you are essentially pushing your ex away. He/She knows you're around whenever she needs you; she can rely on you to be her emotional cushion, so why commit herself now when she can have you later (after she has had all the fun). Funny isn't it, the more love and affection we display, the less they want us!

 

I am not a strong advocate of NC because I think it represents "false hope in disguise!" In other words, "if only I initiate NC, she will miss me and fall right back into my arms." What I mean is that it is being used for the wrong reason; instead of healing and focusing on YOU, your heart is holding on to every last inch of hope. And hope is a dangerous virtue to play around with! But some risks are worth taking, you just need to understand your limit and be able to let go when the time is right. I just think it is better to be honest with yourself as to why you are using NC; it will make you feel better in the future.

 

Someone told me that time and space are my new best friends. I have added patience and Iphone (let me explain) to the list. First of all, time is essential because it allows her to focus on your positive qualities; that special something that makes you unique. Time makes the heart grow fonder. This will allow her to miss you; but if you are constantly there for her, how can she possibly miss you and realize that she has lost you? She can't! Secondly, space, which will allow her to pursue all the things that she felt she couldn't pursue with you by her side. I think that this is an important step for anyone with GIGS, for it allows them the opportunity to make realizations and understand their wants and needs before committing to someone else. Thirdly, have patience! Rome was not built in one day! If you genuinely believe she is "the one," my advice is for you to believe that everything will be OK. Remember, the more desire or love you shower her with, the further away she will move. Don't live in the moment; instead, focus on the future. Finally, "the Iphone!" It is probably the most desired phone in the world, yet some people can afford it, while others can't. Those who can afford it will probably grow tired of it (perhaps an even better Android phone was just released). But just imagine the "desire" and "want" for the Iphone among those who cannot afford It. Everyday that passes, they desire it more and more because that small piece of electronic has the ability to make their life happier and better (according to them). My point is that in your ex's mind, you must become an Iphone. You must make her feel like you have something that she does not (but that she desires). She wants what she cannot have (it is human nature) and right now you are her doormat, her Iphone 3g (don't worry, this is how my ex views me, too). You must portray a new image of yourself to her, a better and more fun you. You have to show her that you are fine without her. Don't lie about it, though, make it happen (and embellish slightly if need be).

 

So, in my opinion, if you really want her back, limited contact is your new best friend. It will allow you to show a new, more confident and desirable (Iphone 4) version of yourself. She misses you, of course, or she would not be contacting you. But there is a fine line between missing someone and wanting them back. She has to ask for you back; whatever you do, don't ask for her back! I suppose human beings, in general, are attracted to the things we cannot have. Sending her a text message may seem like a good idea at the time asking for her back or showering her in love (it does give you instant gratification, right?), but when your pride has been shot down, when feelings of regret and disappointment rush through your veins straight into your heart, that instant gratification quickly seems meaningless. Always remain positive in her eyes. So there you go! Just my two cents!

Edited April 22, 2011 by Johnny85

[reallyconfused2542]

whats the trick though to being able to show them the new you if there never around to see it?

[betterdeal]

It's called a break up because it's broken. No contact is about living without that person. Only when you have both done that, you might be able to develop a new, different relationship with each other.

[betterdeal]

whats the trick though to being able to show them the new you if there never around to see it?

 

If by accident (real accident, not something construed to look like an accident) you come into contact again, that's when you interact. If you or they have changed, it will show. You change for you sake not their's.

 

The other option is to contact them directly, let them know your intentions, and show them you have changed by being different. Do not, at any point, push this too hard as it is a very fragile time in which any work you or they have done can easily be lost. It will take time to build a new, different relationship from this point.

[reallyconfused2542]

if you know youve changed what kind of timeline do you put on the contact? is asking to see them once a week to much?

[Johnny85]

I would wait till 4 weeks of NC and contact her if you feel emotionally independent. Keep the conversation short and fun; do NOT speak about the past. Propose that the two of you meet up for a cup of coffee sometime; however, you should not phrase this proposal as a question, for if she says no, the power is back in her hands. Preferably, she should ask you out on a date, not the other way around!

 

You could begin by sending her a text message with a joke attached (about your past). I did this to establish contact after 4 weeks and it worked very well.

[reallyconfused2542]

seriously...4 weeks?? its only been half a day of nc and its tearing me apart