ohfour238 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 i'm in a bit of sticky situation. i've been seeing this girl for about 2 years now. never talked about anything serious like marriage, just kinda been 'together", you know? we are both desperate to get out of our houses and have talked about renting a place together. we get along really well and it being rather expensive to live around here (Morris County, NJ), it'd help us both financially as well. i have very little doubt that we would have issues living together personally. BUT, the only thing is, she has a 5 year old son. i've been around him a lot, we're buddies and all, he's a great kid. but i am very much set on wanting no kids. i would rather not have to deal with that responsibility and just do my own thing in my life. so i'm really conflicted on whether or not to get a place with her. i know she'll keep him in line and all but he's a little kid, he's gonna do little kid things. things could end up working out great and not being a problem at all. i've just been looking forward to getting out and on my own (or with someone), i want it to be MY thing, you know? and this kind of jeopardizes to some degree. what do you guys think?
Jazzari Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Do NOT move in with her. Why are you with her at all if you feel that way about kids? If you can't accept and love her son, then you have no business starting a relationship with her. Not only are you going to hurt her, you will probably end up hurting an innocent little boy if he grows attached to you. And how horrible if he had to hear fights between you and his mother about him. Geeze, dude. Have a heart!
Author ohfour238 Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 ok first of all, way to be nice about it. thought this forum was to help discuss people's issues, not jump all over them and call them heartless. second, i've been with her because we get along great and have a good time together, a lot of which does involve her son. he knows who his father is, he knows his mom has friends and has never shown any sort of affects from not seeing somebody around. he's a very happy boy. third, how would a fight between me and her over him be any different then a fight between her and the boy's father over him?
Jazzari Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Sorry about being harsh, but your post was all about the effects on you. You don't seem to be considering the effect on a little boy which will can be life altering. You already talk like you resent him. How much worse would it get later? You don't think he will know it? And if you hide it, how will he feel when he finds out the truth? As for him not feeling effects from his mother's friends - there's a huge difference between a friend and someone who is a father figure. And whatever you might think or want - that's what you will be. As for him being hurt by his real dad - what does that have to do with anything? Because someone else hurts him, that makes it ok for you to do the same? All I'm saying is that there is more here than what you want or even what your girlfriend wants. You also need to consider what is best for the child.
Jazzari Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Forgot to ask: Where do you see this relationship going if you don't want the kid? Does the mother know you feel this way toward her son?
Kelemort Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Two years is a long time to date without much consideration for the future. I'd walk out by a year in if marriage had never been discussed - and I don't mean, "oh my Gosh, when are we going to get married?" but, "Do you ever see yourself getting married?" Ideally, that question should be answered in the first several months. I was furious when I was effectively 'banned' from asking about it at all in my present relationship until just after a year. It's a waste of time for everyone involved if they're not clear on what everybody is out for. That aside, she has a 5-year-old son and it sounds like you spend a great deal of time with him already. How old are the two of you? It seems common that younger men (early to mid 20s) are adamant against kids, then they start changing their mind in their late 20s, early 30s. I'm not saying that all do, but it seems to be a trend. Although it's an aside, my boyfriend was 25 and recently out of college when we first started dating nearly 3 years ago. He had a great job even then, but he'd had very little experience with children. He could once recall teasing someone's baby - and that was it. My cousin had a 2 1/2 year old son at the time (now the same age as your girlfriend's son - I spend a great deal of time with the kid, so he's more like my nephew), and this kid wouldn't leave my boyfriend alone. By that I mean, he made sure my boyfriend paid attention to him. Being FORCED (in a way - I mean, he could've walked out at any time) to interact with a child over long periods of time helped him develop a deeper relationship with my cousin's son and to change his views about children. I could depend on him for an hour or so to watch my cousin while I went off to do something, and I knew that my cousin would be safe. The man who was once pretty certain he didn't want kids has changed his mind three years later. Suddenly, he's "more interested in having kids than not having kids" and he thinks that he "wouldn't be as happy" if he didn't end up having children. It helps that now that he's pushing 30, many of his friends and co-workers are married with children. Maybe you just haven't reached that point in your life yet - or maybe you've never really taken the time to bond with her son. Do you ever see yourself getting married - to anybody, period? If so, you'll have to understand that some really great women may come with what eventually may be perceived as 'burdens.' My advice to you isn't to move in right now, but it is to try and attempt to bond with her son. Ask her if you can take him to an arcade, a golf course, to an amusement park, out for ice cream, something along those lines. I'm assuming after all of this time that you -kind of- know what his interests are. Maybe you'll include his mom, or maybe it'll just be bonding time for the two of you. Get to know this child. Yes - I think we've all been in grocery stores when a kid is throwing a temper tantrum, and we whisper amongst each other, "Oh Lord, I am NEVER having kids." But we're not there when the kid is tucking his mother into bed, offering her a piece of candy, or curling up into her lap to watch a show. Parenting has its upsides and its downsides. And regardless of what you may think, when you move in with her, you are going to be a father figure to this child. I'd say give it 6 months of seriously trying to bond with this kid. Make a point of spending at least several hours in a row once a week with him. Do craft projects with him (you can always find tons of interesting things to do online). You may find that while you were deadset against having children, this is the one child who changes your mind. I've experienced it in my own relationship. Have you been around kids much at all? And I don't just mean younger siblings - your opinions about kids in that case are going to be skewed. Or you may find that although you like the girl, the kid isn't really for you and it'll be a dealbreaker. This is really something that should have been seriously evaluated in your relationship a year ago, but better late than never if it's only going to mean postponing the hurt all the more. Be upfront with your girlfriend right now. "Julia, I like the idea of us sharing our own space, but I'd really like to get to know Ethan better first. Maybe we'll revisit moving in in six months. Do you think Ethan would be interested in going out for ice cream this weekend?"
Kelemort Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I'd like to add a little more detail - for me, one of the best ways to explore my relationship with my boyfriend was to take my cousin out with us. When the weather here in Michigan was better, we took him to the playground, played frisbee and tried to fly a kite (the kite was cheap and it broke in half...so that didn't last long). It doesn't have to be all-about-the-kid like it's a drain or something. Some of the best fun I've had is working with my boyfriend to create an enjoyable day for my cousin. You're right in acknowledging that caring for this child is going to take up some time and energy. But it sounds like you've been avoiding getting close to him all the while. I really think that putting your fears about this aside and really trying to get to know him could help you evaluate your thoughts on this. And just because you're not into it now doesn't mean you'll never be. If you're still college-aged, it's not surprising that the idea of helping out or bringing in the next generation isn't that appetizing.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I hate kids, I certainly would not date anyone with a toddler. Dude, dont do it. You move in with her, What will wind up happening is everything will revolve around the kid, because it needs to. The kid is a full time job. If she cant take him to school, and his dad cant, guess whos left? If she wants to get him a dog, guess who will really be taking care of it? If he acts up in public, and you get annoyed, will you be able to control your frustration? I mean after the initial novelty of the kid wears off? Guess whos toys will be all over your house? Guess who cant say anything about it because youre only paying half the rent? Guess who will have a dilemma when its time to break up but his lady cant afford the place by herself? ready to take the kid to the hospital if he breaks an arm? You ready to help him with his homework? Your apt also has to be toddler proof, no fun toys for you. Your girl prolly is working on changing you so that you will want to marry her and her son some day..... I bet she still wants another kid with you right? She wants you to be her kids dad regardless what you want. Shes got a plan in place that you dont even know about. Your girl may not say it now, but she will be working on making you like the kid enough to take half the responsibility. You move in with him, hes practically your kid. Thats all there is to it. She will not let you off the hook just because you dont want the responsibility. If you dont want this, bail out now.
eerie_reverie Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 What kind of future do you see with her if you are adament about not having children, and she has one? I am confused as to how you've managed to wind up in a serious relationship with this woman.
Kelemort Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 What kind of future do you see with her if you are adament about not having children, and she has one? I am confused as to how you've managed to wind up in a serious relationship with this woman. Same here. My guess is they started dating non-seriously, and he figured it would never last long enough for it to be a concern. He's just sort of flowed along on the rivers, but now they've brought him to a point where he has to make a decision. If kids were that much of a make-or-break, though, I'd have not even entertained the thought of just dating, for fear that it would eventually get serious and I'd have to raise the kid.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 "Do you think Ethan would be interested in going out for ice cream this weekend?" Mmmmmmm..............Ice creeeeeemmmm
Author ohfour238 Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Jazzari...i didn't say his father already hurt him (although he indrectly did by ditching them) but i was using that as a comparison when arguing in front of him. as far as how i got into this situation...if i knew i didn't want kids from the start, i wouldn't be in this situation. when i started talking to her, i was very open to kids. it's the past few months (already 1 1/2+ years in), seeing how much she puts in, the responsibility, the planning, the limitations, the money, etc... that is what has changed my mind dramatically. while some of the things Eddie_Edirol i don't agree with, many of those are things i do see happening and are my concerns. ultimately, i probably should be thinking about him more than i have been though and it most likely would be a bad idea having move in together and it possibly not working out. that'd be a real big leap of faith if i did. so i guess it'd be best i don't do it and just end it right now. by the way, she is very aware of all of this, we talk very openly about everything.
eerie_reverie Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Jazzari...i didn't say his father already hurt him (although he indrectly did by ditching them) but i was using that as a comparison when arguing in front of him. as far as how i got into this situation...if i knew i didn't want kids from the start, i wouldn't be in this situation. when i started talking to her, i was very open to kids. it's the past few months (already 1 1/2+ years in), seeing how much she puts in, the responsibility, the planning, the limitations, the money, etc... that is what has changed my mind dramatically. while some of the things Eddie_Edirol i don't agree with, many of those are things i do see happening and are my concerns. ultimately, i probably should be thinking about him more than i have been though and it most likely would be a bad idea having move in together and it possibly not working out. that'd be a real big leap of faith if i did. so i guess it'd be best i don't do it and just end it right now. by the way, she is very aware of all of this, we talk very openly about everything. Gotcha. Its great you talk openly. If you recently realized you don't want kids after seeing her with her kid then yah, I'd say don't move in. That's a no-brainer, tho I get how it's not that easy, seeing as y'all have feelings. I wonder why she is entertaining the idea knowing your feelings.
cerridwen Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Jazzari...i didn't say his father already hurt him (although he indrectly did by ditching them) but i was using that as a comparison when arguing in front of him. as far as how i got into this situation...if i knew i didn't want kids from the start, i wouldn't be in this situation. when i started talking to her, i was very open to kids. it's the past few months (already 1 1/2+ years in), seeing how much she puts in, the responsibility, the planning, the limitations, the money, etc... that is what has changed my mind dramatically. while some of the things Eddie_Edirol i don't agree with, many of those are things i do see happening and are my concerns. ultimately, i probably should be thinking about him more than i have been though and it most likely would be a bad idea having move in together and it possibly not working out. that'd be a real big leap of faith if i did. so i guess it'd be best i don't do it and just end it right now. by the way, she is very aware of all of this, we talk very openly about everything. Good call, OP. Moving in sounds less and less like a good idea. That was mature of you to think things through PRIOR to moving in. Best to you.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Good call ohfour. Youve already seen her raising him, youre well aware of what youre in for. You'll do whats right for you.
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