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Posted

Hi,

 

Once upon a time, about 3 years ago, I became a good friend and then colleague of a man I've been attracted to since the moment we saw each other. Our friendship flourished, and I became single at one point, and he and I decided to date. He had other interests and decided to pursue them after some hot dating and late nights together (because he said I was rebounding), and I got back together with my ex, whom I now live with and have been with steady for two years.

 

I love my current boyfriend. We've come a long way and have a warm and nurturing relationship. However, he is not the most sexual person. He is 42 and I am 34, and I still fantasize about it a lot more than he does, I suspect. He is warm and loving, and touches me a lot, but he is not the most passionate or ready-to-go lover. This is a big deal, but it has ebbed and flowed, so one day it may surge again. I don't feel like exiting this relationship simply because of that.

 

The other man who I've been close friends with through this whole time, and our friendship has grown, in fact .. has confessed to me on more than one occasion in the past year that he regrets losing me and has fallen in love with me. He doesn't pester me about it, but it has come up in heavy conversation over a drink .. and our mutual friends have expressed it to me.

 

I have always felt a strong pull towards him. He is passionate and sexual and clever and sweet and very different from my current man. Anyways, last night I decided to meet up with my friends, and he was there .. we ended up talking for a long time, and when I dropped him off at his house, we hugged and then a long, very hot kiss took place. When we pulled away from each other we both acknowledged it was wrong and deceptive.

 

It's not the kiss so much that I feel guilty for ... its the increased awareness that I am emotionally cheating a little bit. I can't say I'd necessarily want a relationship with this man, for a few reasons out there, but I do love him and feel an intense bond and draw towards him. We work together, and now my current boyfriend also works with us. I wrote the "other" man today and told him that we need to avoid situations like that and that our friendship must cool some. I don't want to leave my boyfriend. I feel like a truly horrible person.

 

I'd love your input.

 

Thanks!

Angelina

Posted

Hi Angelina,

You should make a choice and go with it fully.

 

Do you realize you hedge often through your post? "our friendship must cool some", "I am emotionally cheating a little bit".

 

You have to own what you're doing and make a decision to either end the friendship with Other Dude or fully honor your relationship with the boyfriend.

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted

I'm having a harder and harder time honoring my relationship. I think I am really falling in love with my dear friend, and although no more physical interaction has happened, I can't stop thinking about him ... I feel very rotten and am proceeding to stay away from this man, because my boyfriend and I have built a pretty amazing relationship and home. I am not lacking for anything there, I don't know why I am so tempted by the other ... I feel awful and exhilerated at the same time.

Posted
I'm having a harder and harder time honoring my relationship. I think I am really falling in love with my dear friend, and although no more physical interaction has happened, I can't stop thinking about him ... I feel very rotten and am proceeding to stay away from this man, because my boyfriend and I have built a pretty amazing relationship and home. I am not lacking for anything there, I don't know why I am so tempted by the other ... I feel awful and exhilerated at the same time.

 

Hi Angelina,

 

Some--perhaps obvious--food for thought:

 

Do you have any sense if this is G.I.G.S. (Grass Is Greener Syndrome) or if you've simply reached the expiration date on your relationship?

 

Are you able to objectively evaluate this other man?

 

Are the reasons he wouldn't make a good partner still valid?

 

Would couples counseling help your current relationship?

 

You mentioned feeling awful and exhilarated at the same time.

That rush of emotion, the thrill is problematic in itself.

As you evaluate, try not to let it color your perception too much.

Easier said.., no? :)

Posted

I was in a very similar situation about a year ago. It's a terrible terrible place to be. And I'm sorry to tell you that things are likely only going to get worse from here unless you take a big step back and completely own up to yourself. You are having an emotional affair like I was. And for me, instead of keeping my cool and being respectful to all parties involved; and having the courage to be honest, I got caught up in my emotions and the emotions of the the other woman. I wasn't completely honest with my girlfriend about how I was feeling because I knew I wanted to stay with her and I thought she would reject me if she knew. But in keeping it a secret I was manipulating her. I manipulated her into staying in the relationship under false pretenses. I thought it was innocent enough because I didn't have sex with the other woman. But the physical part wasn't the issue. It was the fact that I had very deep feelings for the other woman and that it went on for a very long time.

 

I won't go into the details. But I will say that my entire life went into upheaval. The past year has been the most difficult year of my life. It took a lot of work and therapy, but my girlfriend and I are still together and stronger for it. But the other woman now hates me and is out of my life. The work situation that I shared with the other woman has completely disintegrated. And I suffered a lot of public embarrassment and alienated a lot of people I care about who now have less respect for me than before.

 

You can't control how you feel. You just have to take how you feel as information and try to understand what it means. Your current boyfriend won't like it. But you are not wrong to feel something. Just don't act irrationally because of feelings. Instead, try to talk about things in a cool rational way. If emotions heat up, then remove yourself from the situation until they cool down. I promise, you do not want to make important decisions when you are feeling emotional.

 

If I could go back and change one thing, it wouldn't be the way I felt. I would change the fact that I acted out of emotional confusion and hid my feelings from my girlfriend. I just wish I'd had the strength to stay calm and be honest and rational. I should have given my girlfriend the opportunity to decide for herself if she wanted to continue working on a relationship with me given the truth about my feelings. I know it would have been difficult. But I know for certain that it would have been a whole lot easier than what resulted from my keeping it inside.

Posted

I would say you have to cut ties with one or the other. You can't really control your emotions, they are what they are. If you keep trying to have both in your life your emotions are going to continue to cause difficulty. It is not possible for you to “cool” a relationship under these circumstances and remain friends. You are completely fooling yourself if you think it is.

 

If you want to stay with your current man, I would say the only thing to do is cut ties with the other guy. If you can't stand to do that, then you really have to break up with your current boyfriend, or at the very least tell him everything without leaving anything out and let him decide. If you try to have it both ways, you will end up hurting someone badly.

 

Spend some time considering how you would feel if things were reversed. Really get into it. Take a half an hour of quiet time and imagine vividly what it would be like if the person you were in love with was in this situation. Think about how you would feel. Then, ask yourself what you would wish they would do.

 

Best wishes

 

Scott

Posted

I don't see you as horrible for feeling conflicted like this, but out of respect for the value of truth with your current older not-so-horny boyfriend I think you should tell him about the kiss and your feelings for this other guy, assuming you guys are in the type of relationship where you expect each other to be honest about issues like this.

 

Do you think he would want an open relationship where you could see other men? Would you reciprocate and be okay with him seeing other women in turn?

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