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6wks of NC but tempted to break it. Make me think straight guys!

loverboy1984

By loverboy1984
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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loverboy1984 Established Member

loverboy1984

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So as some of you may know my GF of 6yrs, whose now on the other side of the country in grad school, broke up with me after she wanted a break and I told her to decide to be with me or not. She claims she did it so I am not in limbo. She knows I am currently studying for an important board exam and has not contacted me because she doesnt want to get in the way. I know we will probably talk after my exam in late May (it would be 2.5 months of NC by then) but Im really starting to get the itch to call her, its been 6wks so far. I dont know what it will accomplish since I dont have much to say other than to gauge how she reacts. I do want her back and I know deep down she does too. Shes on spring break not but is not doing anything right now. It looks week if I call her since I was dumped but its also been along time. I yelled at her towards the end and said your out of my life after she dumped me so I feel like it looks bad calling her.

 

So should I call her? maintain NC until she calls me after my test or what? I just feel its a bad idea to break NC after 6wks because im afraid of going back to square 1. I also know that Im just studying and have nothing exciting to talk about until after my test.

betterdeal Established Member

betterdeal

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Let go. That chapter of your life is over. The new chapter has begun. Let go.

JasonRules Established Member

JasonRules

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So as some of you may know my GF of 6yrs, whose now on the other side of the country in grad school, broke up with me after she wanted a break and I told her to decide to be with me or not. She claims she did it so I am not in limbo. She knows I am currently studying for an important board exam and has not contacted me because she doesnt want to get in the way. I know we will probably talk after my exam in late May (it would be 2.5 months of NC by then) but Im really starting to get the itch to call her, its been 6wks so far. I dont know what it will accomplish since I dont have much to say other than to gauge how she reacts. I do want her back and I know deep down she does too. Shes on spring break not but is not doing anything right now. It looks week if I call her since I was dumped but its also been along time. I yelled at her towards the end and said your out of my life after she dumped me so I feel like it looks bad calling her.

 

So should I call her? maintain NC until she calls me after my test or what? I just feel its a bad idea to break NC after 6wks because im afraid of going back to square 1. I also know that Im just studying and have nothing exciting to talk about until after my test.

 

 

If she hasn't called you yet it means she doesn't really have any desire to talk to you or miss you. If you choose to call her she will probably not be as warm or receptive to you as you think. Your expectations will probably be crushed resulting in you going back to square one all over again and being hurt. This just before your exams.

 

My advice is to just forget about her. Focus on your exams for now and yourself. Hit the gym, get back into shape and start dating again. Have some pride and self-esteem. Do not chase her.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Yep, everytime you feel like breaking NC, post here. People will listen and give you the best advice possible. She has said that she's moved on from you. Then, let her go. Don't bank that she'll call you after boards. Stay NC and heal. I know it sucks to hear but it is what it is.

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loverboy1984 Established Member

loverboy1984

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Thanks guys.

 

I go through phases. One day Im happy and feel like I was dumped into a pool of women and happy to be single. Then all the sudden I start thinking of her again. Id just hate to be the one to contact her, I know it would make me feel better to be contacted. sometimes I feel like she thinks I dont care or Its easy for me to forget about her. Anyways Im holding off. Thanks guys

JasonRules Established Member

JasonRules

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Thanks guys.

 

I go through phases. One day Im happy and feel like I was dumped into a pool of women and happy to be single. Then all the sudden I start thinking of her again. Id just hate to be the one to contact her, I know it would make me feel better to be contacted. sometimes I feel like she thinks I dont care or Its easy for me to forget about her. Anyways Im holding off. Thanks guys

 

 

And even if she did contact you and said "I love you, let's get back together", how certain would you be that she won't pull the same crap again and dump you once more resulting in you being depressed again?

 

Would you bet your life on it? The glass is broken. Have some pride, be a man and just forget about her entirely. She doesn't deserve you anyway.

selena_cat Established Member

selena_cat

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I promise if you restrain yourself from contacting her,she will contact you. They always do.

JasonRules Established Member

JasonRules

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I promise if you restrain yourself from contacting her,she will contact you. They always do.

 

 

Indeed they do...I know from experience.

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loverboy1984 Established Member

loverboy1984

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Yea Im going to restrain myself. Jason is a few days ahead of me in NC so im going all the way. This is my first serious long term relationship and I want it to play out naturaly and see if and how they come back.

 

It has been getting better. I still think of it everyday though which sucks. And yes its gonna take alot of work to get things normal again but shes welcome to try. Honestly I know Im going to be calm and cool when she calls but dont really know what to talk about. I dont want to say too much about my life now that shes not in it but I also want to know if she is interested or possible get closure. I know she knows Im probably mad at her and may not take her back so she will probably test the waters from a distance.

Hules Established Member

Hules

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I dont know what it will accomplish since I dont have much to say other than to gauge how she reacts.

 

Calling her will accomplish nothing more than to reaffirm her decision in dumping you (and inflate her ego). She knows how you feel (especially since you blew up at the end). You need to give her space and time, especially since the way you ended things, she needs time to let that memory fade, if there is to be any chance at all.

 

I do want her back and I know deep down she does too.

 

Shes on spring break not but is not doing anything right now.

 

Part in bold you know you want her back. However its very naive to assume she wants you back, thats you imprinting your desires and might not actually reflect her feelings at all.

 

How do you know shes not doing anything? Your NC, do you have someone spying on her? You need to stop obsessing about what shes up to and focus on yourself.

 

It looks weak if I call her since I was dumped but its also been along time. I yelled at her towards the end and said your out of my life after she dumped me so I feel like it looks bad calling her.

 

As I said above calling her will do nothing but cause more damage at this point because you ended on a sour note. Part in bold, I know its probably seemed like an eternity to you. Honestly 6 weeks is not a long time. Don't get me wrong its great you've been NC for that long and I encourage you to continue.

 

In the grand scheme of things its not very long and not enough time has past for things to even remotely start healing. Just from the way you are writing I can tell you are not even close to the point of healing.

 

I've been NC with my ex since September last year (2 days after our breakup) only in the last month and a half her friends have started talking to me about her a lot (bread crumbs or trying to coax me into contacting her).

 

Thats not good enough for me, so I'm moving right a long still dating other people and honestly don't expect to hear from her again. If she does contact me in the future I will deal with it then, if not I honestly don't care.

 

Why I am saying this is I'm now at the point where I don't care if I ever hear from her again. She doesn't have my heart held hostage anymore. You need to get to the same point of indifference before you can possibly have a chance of forming a new healthy relationship with your ex. You need to forget about your old relationship, that is dead and buried.

 

If you do end up back with your ex, it needs to be a new relationship and thats only viable after you have done some serious soul searching, worked on your issues and have disconnected from your previous relationship. You are not at this point yet so breaking NC is not a wise move at all.

 

So should I call her? maintain NC until she calls me after my test or what? I just feel its a bad idea to break NC after 6wks because im afraid of going back to square 1. I also know that Im just studying and have nothing exciting to talk about until after my test.

 

Remain NC, don't break it for anything. Also don't hold out hopes she will contact you after your test. It will lead to disappointment and resentment you need to start getting the mentality that she will never contact you again. Then it will be a surprise if she does call you. As apposed to bitter disappointment when she doesn't (which is honestly the more likely case, for now at least). Good Luck

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loverboy1984 Established Member

loverboy1984

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Hey thanks. I was wondering how long till you came by.lol

 

No I havent been spying on her. Been in NC. I keep dipping in and out of acceptance. I know I am better off without her but I also know that Im willing to give her a chance if she wants it. As of now I think your right. I will remain in NC. I am debating on sending her a short email next month after my test telling her I agree with the break up and that I hope shes doing well and Im ready to talk if she wants to. Just so she knows Im not angry and moved on. do you think thats a bad idea? or just leave it and see if she comes. I just dont want her to convince herself that I never cared and it was easy to let it go.

Hules Established Member

Hules

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Just leave it be for now. She knows how you feel. Only thing that can make things better is time, lots of time. Seems like you both have trust issues that would be needed to be ironed out before anything could be re-established.

 

I know you are worried that by not contacting her that she will be pushed away (only natural reaction). But at this point you need to show her you are more than capable of living without her. Any contact at all shows "Hey I'm still waiting, for you to come back". Which will only help her move on knowing you are still there for her as a safety blanket.

 

As I said NC, focus on you, if she calls she calls, if not well **** happens and it wasn't meant to be. Take what you have learned from this relationship into your next (This also includes hypothetical new relationship with your ex, but don't want to get your hopes up as "real" second chances are as rare as gold).

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loverboy1984 Established Member

loverboy1984

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Thanks I really appreciate your advice.

 

Honestly though I can say that I truly do love her and want a second chance. I know I can build a stronger relationship. I also know I can start a new one too. I believe things happen for a reason and as painful as this experience has been for me It has made me realized what I need to change, and If I did really love her. When she wanted a break and a couple days before she broke up with me she was telling me she knows we are meant to be with each other. I take that as lip service now, and honestly Im jaded and cant hear these from anyone and take it seriously. But I do think deep down inside she will realize that its worth working on this then starting from scratch. In a couple years we will both be doctors, and It would be nice to enjoy our accomplishments with each other since we have been together every step of the way.

 

Im letting time and fait decide. I dont want to bet my life on something thats not real.

Hules Established Member

Hules

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Thanks I really appreciate your advice.

 

Honestly though I can say that I truly do love her and want a second chance. I know I can build a stronger relationship. I also know I can start a new one too. I believe things happen for a reason and as painful as this experience has been for me It has made me realized what I need to change, and If I did really love her. When she wanted a break and a couple days before she broke up with me she was telling me she knows we are meant to be with each other. I take that as lip service now, and honestly Im jaded and cant hear these from anyone and take it seriously. But I do think deep down inside she will realize that its worth working on this then starting from scratch. In a couple years we will both be doctors, and It would be nice to enjoy our accomplishments with each other since we have been together every step of the way.

 

Im letting time and fait decide. I dont want to bet my life on something thats not real.

 

Its great that you are learning from your past relationship, but try not to romanticize about a possible future with her (not saying its not possible), its not healthy towards you healing.

 

Don't dwell on what she said during the breakup period, I'm going to be frank probably 99% of what she said was lip service and total bull****. You need to look at it objectively. Stuff was said, what was said is quite irrelevant end result was you are not together anymore. That is the important part that you are not together .

 

Don't try and analyse what she said back then you will drive yourself insane (I did this and it almost crushed me) looking for hidden meanings to the most mundane things she said. This time is now for you, focus on your exam and focus on yourself and make yourself the best you can be. I know I have changed a lot since my breakup and I have learnt a lot about myself in the process.

 

Sometimes you can only truly learn is when you have lost something dear to you.

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loverboy1984 Established Member

loverboy1984

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I agree with you. Thanks for your advice. Im sure I will be asking you again as time goes on. I do believe it was all lipservice. Infact when you said "99%" it reminded me of when she said that she thinks that there is a 99% chance we will end up together. I hate that number now.

 

Time to get back in gear and take care of myself as I have been. Thanks again.

sandman223 Member

sandman223

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Stay strong loverboy. I have been NC for around 10 weeks now and haven't heard a peep. I get the urge pretty often to make contact but know its not the best for me now. My ex and I were very close and were with each other almost every day. She was rather needy, and I guess I became needy as well. So I was rather surprised when I wasn't contacted in the first month. I am at the point where I don't expect it anymore, which helps me in not contacting. Its tough, but stick to it. You're better than that!

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