stephmichelle Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 (edited) We've broken up for 2 months - he left me and we were together 3 years. We talk every now and then and he blames me for everything, even though he was at fault too. He acts like he did nothing wrong. Will he ever wake up and realize he IS to blame also? I've apologized for the things I did and wished I could've done differently but still no apology for anything from him. It's not fair for him to do this - but of course, things are hardly ever fair. Do dumpers just push these feelings aside to make themselves feel better so they don't have to deal with it/take blame? Edited April 20, 2011 by stephmichelle
cerridwen Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Hi Stephmichelle, It really does depend on the dumper. Is he capable of introspection? Or, is he so wholly immature or defensive you doubt he's capable ever take responsibility?
JasonRules Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 We've broken up for 2 months - he left me and we were together 3 years. We talk every now and then and he blames me for everything, even though he was at fault too. He acts like he did nothing wrong. Will he ever wake up and realize he IS to blame also? I've apologized for the things I did and wished I could've done differently but still no apology for anything from him. It's not fair for him to do this - but of course, things are hardly ever fair. Do dumpers just push these feelings aside to make themselves feel better so they don't have to deal with it/take blame? Sounds to me like your boyfriend is one selfish SOB if he accepts no responsibility for his part in this relationship. But the question is, why do you want to be with a selfish SOB in the first place?
Author stephmichelle Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Sounds to me like your boyfriend is one selfish SOB if he accepts no responsibility for his part in this relationship. But the question is, why do you want to be with a selfish SOB in the first place? True I keep thinking of the man I feel in love with instead of the huge jerk he is now. How do I keep from doing this? I wish I could just stay focused on all of the bad he's done/doing but all of our good memories just creep right back in and makes it even harder. Will this eventually stop?
confused1989 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Maybe you can try writing the bad things down on a piece of paper and sticking it to your wall. Remind yourself of the bad stuff anytime you catch yourself thinking about the good stuff. I am kind of in the same boat here even though I'm a guy, but that's what I've been starting to do and it definitely helps. My ex is the same way, although she's a girl. She's selfish and she will never take any responsibility for anything. I told her the things I could improve and then when it was her turn she would just say she's perfect and blame me for everything. I don't need that and you don't need that either. If that's you in your picture you're a great looking girl and you seem like a caring person. I'd bet a lot of money that you'll get over this and be with someone who appreciates you way more than this guy did. I think things will get much, much better for you.
Author stephmichelle Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Thank you for your kind words and replying, Confused That is my picture, I'm just still at that stage where I feel like I'm never going to find someone I loved as much as him or who acted like he did our first year together, he really was great. I just have to keep reminding myself that isn't him anymore, he is gone, I will eventually find someone else, this pain won't last forever, and I need to move on. It just sucks right now It really would make me feel so much better if he would admit to his faults. Like you, after I apologized for everything I did wrong, he just sort of sat there in silence and then finally said "Well, thank you for apologizing". I then asked if he felt he did anything wrong and he just said a few things, but they were usually my fault anyway. He seriously just doesn't want to take any blame! So then I'm left sitting here, thinking that maybe everything was my fault even though I really know it isn't - it's just messing with my head right now and driving me crazy. I just would like an apology at least We both definetly deserve someone better, especially if they think they're perfect, which seems to be the case! I hope things are getting better for you. Right after our break up I made a list of his "Pros & Cons" to help me put things into perspective, and his cons outweighed his pros by a lot. And it helped. I think your idea is great, whenever those memories of him being sweet start to creep in, I can look at that and remember reality. I plan on starting it tonight, thank you for the idea!
sandman223 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I have the same questions about my ex. My relationship was the same length as yours, but we never really argued and I never knew there was a problem until it was too later. Its hard, and I wonder sometimes if my ex thinks about me, but it doesn't really do much good.
confused1989 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 (edited) Well I don't think that's very uncommon and obviously people are on their best behavior at the beginning. But be thankful that you eventually saw who he really was. I can feel your pain, it seemed like my ex would do anything for me at the beginning of our relationship, and as time went on she got more and more selfish and more hostile. I bet you'll find someone who acted like he did in the first year, but they'll appreciate you enough to treat you like that for many years to come. I know what you mean. It would make me feel better if my ex would admit to her faults too. But the reality is they might not ever admit to anything. They don't have enough balls to suck up their pride and say they did something wrong. It's all about themselves and their egos. Just keep telling yourself that he does have flaws. You wrote out a list of his cons and you had quite a few I'm sure, so keep reminding yourself of those. I'm glad the idea helped and I hope it helps you in the long run. Put it somewhere where you can see it and turn to it anytime you need to. Venting on this site helps a lot too. You will find someone again, deep down inside you know this. And like Jason said your ex is selfish. Just imagine the guy you will eventually find who isn't selfish, and who owns up to things when he's in the wrong. Trust me they are out there. You are wayyyyyyyy above this! and you will find something much better! Keep posting and keep us updated Edited April 22, 2011 by confused1989
Strength of Heart Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 I've had the same exact situation with my ex. Eventually you begin to read between the lines and usually realize that they were even more at fault than you were. But it does take two to tango, so its important you always recognize things you can improve upon in your relationships. You should be grateful that you've recognized your mistakes, learned from them, and hopefully will eventually forgive yourself for simply being human. You don't want your ex to admit his mistakes, that wont be a sweet revenge, those that walk away from a break up thinking they did no wrong are the same people that drag those same flaws they didn't have the balls to owe up too right into there next relationship, it all comes full circle. Some people need to **** up more than once before they finally see the big picture, Karma will take care of your ex's selfish view of your relationships demise.This is coming from a guy who thought everything was his fault for a month and a half following my break up, now I see and think the opposite and am actually grateful even if I do miss the old her.
Fufu Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 We've broken up for 2 months - he left me and we were together 3 years. We talk every now and then and he blames me for everything, even though he was at fault too. He acts like he did nothing wrong. Will he ever wake up and realize he IS to blame also? I've apologized for the things I did and wished I could've done differently but still no apology for anything from him. It's not fair for him to do this - but of course, things are hardly ever fair. Do dumpers just push these feelings aside to make themselves feel better so they don't have to deal with it/take blame? No one knows for sure the true reasons if they will ever feel they realize the mistake. The relationship has ended and I think trying to figure out what our exes feel and think is just going to drive us more confused and lose track of our healing process.
Movingthrough Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 We've broken up for 2 months - he left me and we were together 3 years. We talk every now and then and he blames me for everything, even though he was at fault too. He acts like he did nothing wrong. Will he ever wake up and realize he IS to blame also? I've apologized for the things I did and wished I could've done differently but still no apology for anything from him. It's not fair for him to do this - but of course, things are hardly ever fair. Do dumpers just push these feelings aside to make themselves feel better so they don't have to deal with it/take blame? I can tell you that he does feel something, and usually someone painting you black like that is a sign that they know they are at fault. The ones that take all their time blaming the other are trying to cover up their own issues, it makes them feel better. Dumpers always have the calm cool atittude because they have checked out mentally during the relationship, but under the surface there is a lot more going on. Even if they did break it off, at one point they were feeling the same way you did (most likely) so they still have feelings in there. Thats why you see posts like this, the person goes strict NC, then the ex comes crawling back, leaving crumbs, they hate to feel guilty. Easier said then done but you need to blow this guy off and spend time on you.
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