nyrias Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I think you may have misunderstood what I meant here. I do know full well that the WS pays for that they did. What I was referring to is for those BS's who stay in a marriage & hangs the affair over the WS's head for the rest of their life & make them "Pay" for what they did to them. Plus, that is assuming the affair was exposed. I don't believe all affairs are exposed. Are there any documented cases that cheating was never discovered (at least not until the parties are dead). It does not seem impossible that someone has a short, discrete affair and never got discovered.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 You lost me and yourself in your argument to somehow justify cheating as a reaction to marital/domestic/persnal issues, which is entirely untrue. Plain and simple: If you have problems you seek help from someone else, not resort to infidelity. That goes directly opposite to what I posted. My exact point was that something inside the cheater causes their reaction to cheat, whatever stimulus it is, is not justifiable. But justifiable or not, it is what happened. They did it reactively, but it is still their issue and creates a whole host of ****ty issues unfairly for their spouse.
Memphis Raines Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Memphis - You can look at my posts any way you choose. Makes no difference to me. then quit trying so hard to convince me of that
StoneCold Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 then quit trying so hard to convince me of that This is a discussion board CIK is discussing
confusedinkansas Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Plus, that is assuming the affair was exposed. I don't believe all affairs are exposed. Are there any documented cases that cheating was never discovered (at least not until the parties are dead). It does not seem impossible that someone has a short, discrete affair and never got discovered. Very true. I personally believe there are many many people out there that have had affairs & will never be found out. I actually know of someone that had an affair for 9 years. 15 some odd years ago. Her husband has never found out & he won't. I am very well today thankyou! I guess your not allowed a day of weakness here and there to let things out, but atleast I realize more and more how many weak, selfish , people there are in the world..oh well it just makes me stronger, especially when soon to be x comes over to color eastereggs with the kids, and is hitting on me all night...guess I should of dressed a little more "prudish" lol If you hate him/cheaters SO much, why are you giving him the opportunity to be close enough to you to flirt with you? .......so you can throw it back in his face what he Can't Have? Or are you thinking of taking him back? P.S. Thanks Stone.....I always thought this was a discussion board too! Hmmm.
Author HalfAlive22 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Very true. I personally believe there are many many people out there that have had affairs & will never be found out. I actually know of someone that had an affair for 9 years. 15 some odd years ago. Her husband has never found out & he won't. If you hate him/cheaters SO much, why are you giving him the opportunity to be close enough to you to flirt with you? .......so you can throw it back in his face what he Can't Have? Or are you thinking of taking him back? P.S. Thanks Stone.....I always thought this was a discussion board too! Hmmm. Gee maybe, because he has kids that would like a little bit of normal..It was just a try that I will never do again, from now on he takes them to his moms...no I'm not taking him back although it feels good to know I could I guess...if I'm being honest..anyother questions?
nyrias Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Which is exactly why I say nothing they went through caused them to cheat. They caused themselves to cheat. . "They caused themselves to cheat"??? That is like saying nothing. There must be a psychological reason (or reasons) why people are cheating. Someone mentioned cheaters are selfish. Why are THEY selfish and not someone else? Are you saying it is all in the genes and the environment and experience does not matter? If experience DOES matter, then it is not "just them", is it?
Author HalfAlive22 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 "They caused themselves to cheat"??? That is like saying nothing. There must be a psychological reason (or reasons) why people are cheating. Someone mentioned cheaters are selfish. Why are THEY selfish and not someone else? Are you saying it is all in the genes and the environment and experience does not matter? If experience DOES matter, then it is not "just them", is it? My phycologist says it is in the genes to some extent, my h s father cheated, as did his grandfather, although I think my H and I just got married very young, and never "sewed his oats so to speak" although it still does'nt excuse it.
StoneCold Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Gee maybe, because he has kids that would like a little bit of normal..It was just a try that I will never do again, This makes no sense
Memphis Raines Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 This is a discussion board CIK is discussing you missed the point. if it doesn't matter to her what I think, then why try so hard to convince me of that?
Author HalfAlive22 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 This makes no sense why is that, I know of people who are divorced that do things together with the kids..we tried it , that once it did not work..do you have Kids? just curious
nyrias Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 My phycologist says it is in the genes to some extent, my h s father cheated, as did his grandfather, although I think my H and I just got married very young, and never "sewed his oats so to speak" although it still does'nt excuse it. Well, if it is in the genes, then he can't help it. If we know that it is in the genes, isn't it our own responsibility NOT to screen our mates for the non-cheating genes first? Sure, you can tell him that it is wrong but knowing something is wrong is no deterrent. Otherwise, there will be no compulsive gambler, or alcoholic in the world.
StoneCold Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 you missed the point. if it doesn't matter to her what I think, then why try so hard to convince me of that? Then why open up on a public discussion board?....and where is this convincing coming from?
StoneCold Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 why is that, I know of people who are divorced that do things together with the kids..we tried it , that once it did not work..do you have Kids? just curious Yeah that only tends to work when the two individuals are civil and "over it". As CIK said if you feel that way towards him why be around him? You're not doing your kids any favours by doing things just for "looks"...they can see right through that; you and the kids are likely better off doing your own thing. and yes... I have 2 kids
Memphis Raines Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Yeah that only tends to work when the two individuals are civil and "over it". As CIK said if you feel that way towards him why be around him? You're not doing your kids any favours by doing things just for "looks"...they can see right through that; you and the kids are likely better off doing your own thing. and yes... I have 2 kids I agree. HA22 needs to dump his worthless butt
dreamingoftigers Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Which is exactly why I say nothing they went through caused them to cheat. They caused themselves to cheat. Again it happened, but whatever problems they had does not in any way, justify their decision to have an affair. Glad we agree. I will say this though: in my experience over the last two years I have started watching for different reactionary things. People often do things that are very self-destructive or destructive to others and seemingly either not understand why or have a justification for it. I do think that it goes back to that brain structure. (Everything is spectral as well though, so what I say isn't "black and white.") It is like some folks have a different "boss" and "employee" in their brains. Some folks brains tilt more towards the reasoning centers as opposed to the feeling/impulse centers. So the reasoning centers are the "boss" and the boss uses the feelings/impulses and sensations to help them perceive and consciously reason through their world. i.e. "I feel sad today, it must be because my dog died and that is how I respond emotionally, what can I do to alleviate this problem? I will pray/meditate, spend time remembering Rex and be grateful that he was my dog" or whatever. Other folks have the feeling/impulsive center in charge, and they get the reasoning center to work for the impulsive center. i.e. not overly consciously considered whatsoever. Dog dies. Person is angry/frustrated/devastated goes out gets drunk and smashes bottle against a school wall. Later when approached, comes up with reasons for behaviour. "Well if the vet did a better job saving his life, I wouldn't have done that." The reasoning center in this case is trying to work for the impulsive center, providing it with a logical explanation for why it did what it did. True, but..... We all have an impulse center that "trips" us every now and then, and the triggers that "trip" us are unique to each human being. I think that often those with the overall impulsive mindset having some reasoning difficulty and trouble with boundaries and choice since the impulse can be so overwhelming. There are a few ways to overcome these issues of course: counseling to educate oneself and recognize triggers, learning from one's mistakes, medication, behaviour modification etc etc etc Sometimes people only get "tripped" by their impulse center in a couple areas in their lives, like speeding. Often I have seen that the impulsiveness is a relief even though it doesn't even "make sense" given the stimulus. For instance: my famed "Trucker Incident." (btw: trucker:o:sick:) The stimulus there was specifically intense pain and lonliness coupled with the feelings of having to "prove to myself that I could be just as impulsive and kind of be 'one of the crowd.'" As well as garner human contact for the first time in a long while. Now, under extreme circumstance, impulse brain "tripped" me and I chose and unhealthy outlet that would be (in theory) instantly gratifying to stop the pain. All of those motivations listed above would have been 'met' according to my "impulsive brain." But the reality is that I believe I would have felt even more lonely, ashamed, etc. The very screwed up reality is that I would have done those things because my trigger was, in a very odd way, because I missed my husband and I wanted to be a part of something he was a part of because we had no other connection left. The ironic thing is, that impulse brain doesn't "know" is that that action would shatter any remaining tattered connection. It might even be able to completely reset my intimacy template. If I was a very impulsive person overall, I may have reset my brain to be sexually triggered by truck stops!:sick: Another ironic thing is that it was not my "reasoning brain" that got me out of the truck either. Impulse brain is nothing if not flighty. You see it all of the time on here with MMs who say that they are going to leave their wife and run away with OW. I have no doubt that many of them believe it at the moment they say it and then 10 minutes later want to be home for dinner more then anywhere else. What got me out of the truck was my very impulsive brain being so heavily set to my husband's template for so many years. The second the man laid a hand on me, my brain hit RED ALERT, NOT THE CORRECT PARTNER. LOL, setting my template on loyalty for so many years made it too hard for even my impulse brain to recognize the reality of a "fling." I flew out of that truck about as fast as I flew into it. More proof that if you program your brain to 'good behaviour' then that can reinforce itself later on when you do get triggered. I think that it is often refered to as "character" which seems to be more of a social construct. This isn't to say that I have no share in my choices or that I cannot take responsibility and say "oh, my impulsive brain did it, it wasn't my fault!" On the contrary, we as adults are expected to watch ourselves, our triggers and take care of our own actions so not to harm others. The only point I wish to make at the end of all of this is that our level of success in all matters is based on 1. our brain structure to begin with 2. Our role-modelled template and our reaction to it 3. Our moral structure and 4. recognition of our triggers and the ability to recognize them as simply that: triggers and feelings not justification for soothing an impulse. And again which section of your brain is in control is different for everyone given individual triggers etc. Totally spectral. Just because someone is a thief, does not mean that they cheat on their girlfriend. Altough people who are generally impulsive overall tend to have more difficulty curbing it in multiple areas.
Author HalfAlive22 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Yeah that only tends to work when the two individuals are civil and "over it". As CIK said if you feel that way towards him why be around him? You're not doing your kids any favours by doing things just for "looks"...they can see right through that; you and the kids are likely better off doing your own thing. and yes... I have 2 kids Well I pretty much agree now, like I said we tried it, and it's not like we don't get along, in fact it's the opposite, thats why I don't want him around to think it might work out cause it won't.
Author HalfAlive22 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 and Stone cold..do you feel you are betraying your kids as well as your spouse? just curiou, because you are to me.
StoneCold Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 and Stone cold..do you feel you are betraying your kids as well as your spouse? just curiou, because you are to me. Absolutely not
Silly_Girl Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 and Stone cold..do you feel you are betraying your kids as well as your spouse? just curiou, because you are to me. And how is that?
Author HalfAlive22 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 And how is that? Idk,my kids who are older say they felt betayed
Author HalfAlive22 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Absolutely not Did something happen to you to make you such a Prick?
dreamingoftigers Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I strongly believe that my father betrayed our family with his infidelity, nit just my Mom.
StoneCold Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 (edited) Did something happen to you to make you such a Prick? Explain to me exactly why I'm a prick.... You asked me a simple question and I gave a simple answer.... Edited April 27, 2011 by StoneCold
Author HalfAlive22 Posted April 27, 2011 Author Posted April 27, 2011 Explain to me exactly why I'm a prick.... You asked me a simple question and I gave a simple answer.... Idk..no explanation,you just are:)
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