dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 OKay... I know that when my husband and I separated I was in a lot of pain and almost ended up cheating but I stopped. I also know that I would have done it out of pain and in a very weird way I would have cheated because I missed my husband and just wanted the pain to disappear. But when it comes to the planning and sneaking etc. to have a full-blown affair you have crossed the line from "reacting" to "planning and intent." The difference between second and first-degree murder. (Not that cheating is murder.)
alexandria35 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Look Alex...again...thats you.... you have to admit that as a general rule...if one were to make it a habit to scew another, one would have to be prepared to get screwed back. Human beings in general live with this cardinal concept in mind...its a survival instinct Yes I do see this. As a matter of fact you made me think of something that just happened to me. I work downtown and parking is a bitch! Actually I don't park downtown because it's insanely expensive but there are several blocks just on the fringe of downtown where people can park for free and then walk. Many people, myself included, like to do this rather than go broke. Obviously this means that getting a parking spot can be really difficult sometimes. Well I happen to be quite talented at manouvering my vehicle into small spaces and I'm awesome at parallel parking. I'm very proud of this because I only got a drivers license about 3 years ago. So last week I get down to the area where I usually park and it's really crowded, I drove past one small space thinking it was too tight but came back to it because I couldn't find another spot. I slipped into that tight space with ease, locked my car and headed for work, feeling quite pleased with my superior parking ability. Haha. Well it turns out the guy behind didn't share in my pride. He couldn't get out because he was squeezed between me and the car behind him. (personally I think he had enough space to get out but it would have taken some patience and care). Anyways, I come back to my car after work and find that this dude has smashed my rear window. He's still parked behind me but there are thousands of people living in apartments down there so there was no way I could find him and talk to him about it. I couldn't prove that he did it but I know that this is what happened. My car wasn't broken into, the glass was still in the window it was just shattered. Man I was choked! I immediately realized what happened and why and I knew I was wrong to have parked that close to him but I wish he had handled it in a different way. Then I got really upset when upon calling different glass shops I discovered that it was going to cost me $500 bucks to get a new window. Whatta joke! I drive an old piece of **** ford where everything on it is pretty standard and replaceable except for that rear window!! I admit I did let myself fantasize about getting revenge for a few mintues..haha...but now I'm over it. Well I won't be completely over it until I get the window replaced and I'm not driving around with cardboard for a window anymore. But for the most part I've chalked it up to an expensive lesson learned. I'm definitely more carefull to make sure the cars I'm parked between have enough space now..lol. Okay that was a long story. Sorry but yes, I do know that some people have no problem getting revenge and feeling good about it. I doubt the guy who broke my window is losing any sleep over it.
StoneCold Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 (edited) OKay... I know that when my husband and I separated I was in a lot of pain and almost ended up cheating but I stopped. I also know that I would have done it out of pain and in a very weird way I would have cheated because I missed my husband and just wanted the pain to disappear. But when it comes to the planning and sneaking etc. to have a full-blown affair you have crossed the line from "reacting" to "planning and intent." The difference between second and first-degree murder. (Not that cheating is murder.) Dreaming I meant react as in a reaction not necessarily a reflex....planning and intent is certainly a REACTION... Your making me lose my hair maaan...but the wierd thing is i dont dislike you...odd Edited April 23, 2011 by StoneCold
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Dreaming I meant react as in a reaction not necessarily a reflex....planning and intent is certainly a REACTION... Your making me lose my hair maaan...but the wierd thing is i dont dislike you...odd Yeah, I am likeable. Actually my kid is the one in the family that is likeable. My husband started balding around two years ago too....hmm.... Okay we can meet and say it is a reaction....that's okay, that makes sense. That is totally logical. Now one step futher is where we seem to run into the clashing....
StoneCold Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Yeah, I am likeable. .... yeah you are...its freaking wierd man....
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 yeah you are...its freaking wierd man.... It's because I am Canadian
StoneCold Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 It's because I am Canadian I guess like nationalities have a soft spot for one another
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Back to the cheating.... I can see the reactionary side of it. But the stuff just doesn't end there right? I mean it is a hit. A big one for most BS. To debate whether or not the WS is taking the hits from the BS and reacting seems to fall short a little of the impact. Frankly, for me, H's infidelity (which is far more linked to his foundational issues then our marriage) was worse for me then being forced when I was younger. I can't imagine anything I did in the marriage being worthy of that big of a dump. Or even close.
Spark1111 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 L I dont buy it Saying and doing hurtful things to the point of damaging is never just a one off. Its a history and pattern of behaviour. Dont tell me that you have no idea of what you are doing...oh yeah you just suffer from daily ammesia and you are deaf dumb and blind because you jist have no idea of the hiurt you perpetiate. Once they get to a certain point they know damn well what tjhey are doing....yet tjhey choose to continue. And then when the **** hits the fan they conveniently retreat to "oh i didnt know"...... Poppycock Looks pretty intentional to me About the bolded, so is cheating a pattern of behavior that hurts and you must be deaf, blind, and dumb because you have no idea of the hurt you perpetuate. I don't buy several wrongs make bad behavior right or justified. I always have a choice; how I choose to respond, react, and behave in any relationship. No one can make me do anything outside the scope of my moral and ethical boundaries. I blame no one or hold no one else responsible for my own happiness. Plus, this is huge t/j and not supportive or on topic to HA22. Start another thread in marriage, SC.
Spark1111 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 PERHAPS you should of given him some sex... maybe if you weren't such a prude he wouldn't of cheated. I am a cheater and I do not mean to cheat, but there are deep reasons for cheating. If you have had all those things happen to you, that many times... you probably had placed your self in unsafe situations. There are major consequences to the actions of a cheaters, thats for sure. Do not hate the other man or other woman, hate the cheater I guess who is more at fault for being undecided. OMG! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Another one reading from the MM playbook who believes the wife isn't having sex. There is nothing wrong with HA22! Her husband is a sex addict, deeply broken who uses women to regain feelings of power and control. Are you absolutely SURE your MM doesn't have other women besides you? Why, because he told you so and he ALWAYS tells YOU the truth? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 She is actually the adulterer in her relationship.
StoneCold Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 [/b] About the bolded, so is cheating a pattern of behavior that hurts and you must be deaf, blind, and dumb because you have no idea of the hurt you perpetuate. you have totally and completly missed the point of what i was saying...like it completely went right over your head. but your right it is a t/j so lets stop
Silly_Girl Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I think the point that virtually everyone is trying to make is that others actions don't justify your own. (General you, not you personally). I didn't think that WAS the crux of the debate SC was having actually. Seems like two separate points. Both of which are valid. No, someone else's behaviour (OR external influences such as depression, trauma etc) do not JUSTIFY cheating. Likewise, the context and background are relevant, and each situation should be individually taken in context. And most BS's who've spoken about 'blame' (don't like that word) seem to take on board that there WAS a context, and the cheating was probably not THE issue with the relationship, but came about through other factors, a situation they would hope to avoid in future.
Silly_Girl Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 But you keep saying, if spouse x does this then spouse y that That's justification. That's not at all what *I* read. Sorry.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Did you read the post where I finally *got it*? And I agree that cheating is a symptom, not the issue as a whole. The interesting thing is that it is a symptom of the problem within the cheater. (Hear me out......) This does not mean that the relationship was necessarily good or that the spouse was perfect or wonderously wonderful. It means that the person cheating has the fall-back stance of "when Y happens to me, I do X "cheating." Justifiable or not, (okay we will completely remove justifiable, forget I ever said anything about justification). 1. People have ****ty marriage all the time. 2. Not everyone cheats. 3. Therefore some people that have ****ty marriages that cheat must have something within them that compels them to that reaction. Don't get me wrong, I am not laying blame, or moralizing. It is just kind of simple like that though, they react to whatever (being insulted, lazy, fat spouse, constant conflict, power struggle, their own Mommy issues that they never got over) stimulus by cheating. This sounds so close to bashing I am worried that I am going to get some heat. If we break it down another way: I have a problem with sugar to the point where I have a dependency on it. (I am working on it but that's another thread.) Seeing chocolate entices me to eat it, being stressed to the max sometimes brings about my self-destructive tendency to eat it, sometimes I am just bored and food is nicely filling and stimulating. Point is: I overeat and it ain't healthy. In fact I know damn well that it isn't healthy but I have done this for over 10 years. There is something in my brain function/history/genetic predisposition/parental role-modelling/conflict-avoidance/poor coping skills or a combination of some or all of the above that causes this. Of course at the end of the day I have my own choices to contend with. I am not choiceless against it but there are influencing factors. One is accessibility. It is incredibly easy (no restrictions other the minor financial ones) to get my fix. Cheating would kind of be the same drivers I suspect. Even the same factors: brain function/history/genetic predisposition/parental role-modelling/conflict-avoidance/poor coping skills or a combination of some or all of the above I once had a friend tell me that she destroyed her parents marriage because when she was a teen she developed an alcohol problem that required her to go to treatment. She said that it was so hard on her parents that they fought etc. and split up. I disagree. They had an influence to fight the way that they did because of my friend. But not all families with an alcoholic daughter are automatically dysfunctional, and having to split up over it. Her parents made their own choices and it may have been their reaction to their daughter`s drinking problem that caused the downfall. Not actually the fact that she had the problem to begin with.
Author HalfAlive22 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 PERHAPS you should of given him some sex... maybe if you weren't such a prude he wouldn't of cheated. I am a cheater and I do not mean to cheat, but there are deep reasons for cheating. If you have had all those things happen to you, that many times... you probably had placed your self in unsafe situations. There are major consequences to the actions of a cheaters, thats for sure. Do not hate the other man or other woman, hate the cheater I guess who is more at fault for being undecided. ok...you obviously did'nt read any of my other posts...first off, I am anything but a prude...we had sex at least 5 times a week, we role played, did bondage, had anal sex, i've made out with women, I've done some pretty hard core things..with my H, wich is why when he came home to me, he came like crazy because she could'nt make him, it was all emotional for him..maybe this is tmi but seriously ...your obviously ignorant, and coldhearted...sorry I did'nt know when I was 7 my own bed was an unsafe situation..so before you speak turn your f...ing brain on!
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 ok...you obviously did'nt read any of my other posts...first off, I am anything but a prude...we had sex at least 5 times a week, we role played, did bondage, had anal sex, i've made out with women, I've done some pretty hard core things..with my H, wich is why when he came home to me, he came like crazy because she could'nt make him, it was all emotional for him..maybe this is tmi but seriously ...your obviously ignorant, and coldhearted...sorry I did'nt know when I was 7 my own bed was an unsafe situation..so before you speak turn your f...ing brain on! Wow, your rant/support thread is a ****ing warzone! How are you doing today anyways. I do think that it is kind of uncouth for all of the cheaters to show up on such a sensitive thread to begin with to push their own agenda.
bentnotbroken Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 PERHAPS you should of given him some sex... maybe if you weren't such a prude he wouldn't of cheated. I am a cheater and I do not mean to cheat, but there are deep reasons for cheating. If you have had all those things happen to you, that many times... you probably had placed your self in unsafe situations. There are major consequences to the actions of a cheaters, thats for sure. Do not hate the other man or other woman, hate the cheater I guess who is more at fault for being undecided. :lmao::lmao:I spit my coffee again. Now that's some funny shiggity right there. :lmao:
Author HalfAlive22 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Wow, your rant/support thread is a ****ing warzone! How are you doing today anyways. I do think that it is kind of uncouth for all of the cheaters to show up on such a sensitive thread to begin with to push their own agenda. I am very well today thankyou! I guess your not allowed a day of weakness here and there to let things out, but atleast I realize more and more how many weak, selfish , people there are in the world..oh well it just makes me stronger, especially when soon to be x comes over to color eastereggs with the kids, and is hitting on me all night...guess I should of dressed a little more "prudish" lol
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 :lmao::lmao:I spit my coffee again. Now that's some funny shiggity right there. :lmao: She didn't mean it. She will probably not mean it over the weekend a couple of times too.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I am very well today thankyou! I guess your not allowed a day of weakness here and there to let things out, but atleast I realize more and more how many weak, selfish , people there are in the world..oh well it just makes me stronger, especially when soon to be x comes over to color eastereggs with the kids, and is hitting on me all night...guess I should of dressed a little more "prudish" lol Oh you totally can be, I have had my ranty threads, they tend to float a little away from topic though. Honestly I am probably one of the worst thread-jackers in LS history. It is really strange on LS sometimes, you would think that we sometimes didn't even speak the same language.
Irishlove Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 There is a thing called sexual addiction. Could this be what's happening?
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 There is a thing called sexual addiction. Could this be what's happening? Which one of our husbands/SOs/posters are you refering to? Sorry to sound crass, my H is in treatment for sexual addiction at the moment.
Summer Breeze Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 What I don't get is how on earth you could allow yourself to be the OW, when you were once the BS...I'd rather gouge my eyeballs out with a dul knife than be that ever! I didn't allow myself to be one. I met someone and he was honest about his situation and we had a few common friends and I could pretty well verify it. He made himself available to have a limited R and I accepted it and worked it into my own life. We happened to get more than we bargained for but I knew he would never leave his M and I walked away when the time came. I never in my life thought I'd be involved with a MM and I don't see it happening again but it did and I knew just what I was getting into. You can tell from my posts where my thoughts are on the blame for the infidelity so I won't repeat again. Gouging my eyeballs out would be to me staying M to someone who cheated on me. No matter what he did it would never be enough and there isn't enough love in the world to make up for what he did to me. That is MY opinion. I have learned from some people in here that there are success stories and it's given me a new respect to people who have but I know I couldn't. To me that would be the I'd rather gouge my eyes out.
StoneCold Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 That is MY opinion. And that people....is really what it boils down to
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