Author HalfAlive22 Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 You shouldn't have to feel guilt.... just own up....you're doing that and its cool. I certainly dont play the "guilt trip" game....most around here do but not I If your not feeling some kind of guilt your not really owning up, or your not human, one or the other..I know this for a fact!
dreamingoftigers Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I feel guilty for all the years where I wasn't as active in the housework. I naively thought it wasn't a big deal but it actually was a lot of work.
StoneCold Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 (edited) If your not feeling some kind of guilt your not really owning up, or your not human, one or the other..I know this for a fact! I would say you are wrong IMO... remorse and taking responsibility are apples and oranges Edited April 21, 2011 by StoneCold
Spark1111 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I would say you are wrong IMO... remorse and taking responsibility are apples and oranges This is a true statement and I agree with this. All of us who have survived infidelity first wrack our brains to see what we could have done differently, better, etc. In many cases, not all, not too much.... which makes it all the sadder, IMO. Taking infidelity out of the equation, the demise of a marriage is the responsibility of both partners; they both equally share in what was, or wasn't done to meet each other's needs and expectations.
Spark1111 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Quite frankly, as a BS I know the risks of getting reinvolved with a WS. If I extend forgiveness it is not a loan to be rescinded every time that they don't want to do the dishes. My husband simply couldn't pay back what he has done. I would have to have cheat-fest to even things out and I am not willing to destroy my own dignity to satiate that. If he comes back, we come back together, not indebted to one another. Great post! And so true. Who in their right minds would reconcile demanding a debt is forever owed? Who would want that relationship?
StoneCold Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 This is a true statement and I agree with this. All of us who have survived infidelity first wrack our brains to see what we could have done differently, better, etc. In many cases, not all, not too much.... which makes it all the sadder, IMO. Taking infidelity out of the equation, the demise of a marriage is the responsibility of both partners; they both equally share in what was, or wasn't done to meet each other's needs and expectations. good god spark and myself are actually in agreement on something...stop the presses :eek: I was preparing for he next pile up
Author HalfAlive22 Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 This is a true statement and I agree with this. All of us who have survived infidelity first wrack our brains to see what we could have done differently, better, etc. In many cases, not all, not too much.... which makes it all the sadder, IMO. Taking infidelity out of the equation, the demise of a marriage is the responsibility of both partners; they both equally share in what was, or wasn't done to meet each other's needs and expectations. I agree, and I take responsibilty in my part of the marriage problems.
Memphis Raines Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 what makes you think that? because bringing up that there are two sides to every story is spoken when the other side of the story indicates justification. If there is no justification, then the other side of the story is irrelevant.
Memphis Raines Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 methinks there is a cheater in this thread pissing on HA22's pain.
StoneCold Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 (edited) because bringing up that there are two sides to every story is spoken when the other side of the story indicates justification. If there is no justification, then the other side of the story is irrelevant. Nope...... it indicates an interest in the importance of clarity. How on earth con you come to reasonable conclusions when you are only somewhat clear on half the story? Edited April 21, 2011 by StoneCold
Spark1111 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 good god spark and myself are actually in agreement on something...stop the presses :eek: I was preparing for he next pile up Stone cold, I NEVER disagreed with this. Both are responsible for the problems in the marriage. But nothing justifies cheating, IMO. This is where you and I part ways on the path. Fix or end the marriage, then date. Or, if you intend to date others while married, inform your spouse so they can too. Maybe an open marriage will work for you. Either way, I believe in honesty in any relationship, and having the ability to make an informed choice. We should BOTH be on the same page. That's fair..... Everything else is smoke and mirrors, IMO.
pollyanna22 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Stone cold, I NEVER disagreed with this. Both are responsible for the problems in the marriage. But nothing justifies cheating, IMO. This is where you and I part ways on the path. Fix or end the marriage, then date. Or, if you intend to date others while married, inform your spouse so they can too. Maybe an open marriage will work for you. Either way, I believe in honesty in any relationship, and having the ability to make an informed choice. We should BOTH be on the same page. That's fair..... Everything else is smoke and mirrors, IMO. Amen!...some people are just cowards...simple as that, I think it does not have to be so complicated, but it's ok they all get theres in the end.
Memphis Raines Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Nope...... it indicates an interest in the importance of clarity. How on earth con you come to reasonable conclusions when you are only somewhat clear on half the story? because it doesn't matter what the cheater's story is, it doesn't justify their cheating. I helps indicate problems with the relationship. But since this is a thread of someone venting because of the cheating, the other side is irrelevant. Now if she posted a thread blaming her X solely for the problems in the relationship, then the other side of the story would be relevant.
Author HalfAlive22 Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 because it doesn't matter what the cheater's story is, it doesn't justify their cheating. I helps indicate problems with the relationship. But since this is a thread of someone venting because of the cheating, the other side is irrelevant. Now if she posted a thread blaming her X solely for the problems in the relationship, then the other side of the story would be relevant. Thank you!!
StoneCold Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 because it doesn't matter what the cheater's story is, it doesn't justify their cheating. I helps indicate problems with the relationship. But since this is a thread of someone venting because of the cheating, the other side is irrelevant. Now if she posted a thread blaming her X solely for the problems in the relationship, then the other side of the story would be relevant. yeah but it almost always reverts to that once the rest of the cronies jump in
StoneCold Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 (edited) But nothing justifies cheating, IMO. This is where you and I part ways on the path. Spark nothing justifies any of the bullsh*t we do to eachother.... nothing justifies... - saying hurtful things - neglect - dismissal of one another's views Why do you feel the needs to make special note about cheating and nothing else? The reality is people provoke people....action - reaction....theres no justification but we do it anyways..... thats life... so you can go on about whats justified but to me its a moot point. ....... and that is where we part paths...to me cheating is just a line item on a long list of failures...to you it gets special status over many other things that can be just as damaging Edited April 21, 2011 by StoneCold
confusedinkansas Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 StoneCold Not that you need cheering on because you are holding your own - Very Well I might add. I just wanted to say that I really appreciate a point of view that is more objective than closed minded/black & white like many post here. I really enjoy reading what you have to say. Thanks:)
Silly_Girl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Spark nothing justifies any of the bullsh*t we do to eachother.... nothing justifies... - saying hurtful things - neglect - dismissal of one another's views Why do you feel the needs to make special note about cheating and nothing else? The reality is people provoke people....action - reaction....theres no justification but we do it anyways..... thats life... so you can go on about whats justified but to me its a moot point. ....... and that is where we part paths...to me cheating is just a line item on a long list of failures...to you it gets special status over many other things that can be just as damaging I find this such an interesting point and I've never seen it raised before. You are right. Infidelity 'trumps' all bad behaviours in the marriage and it's my personal opinion that it ought not.
donnamaybe Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Some "behaviors" are spur of the moment, impulsive kinds of things. Others, not so much. Others require planning and then execution. Something which one could rethink and choose not to do. Blurting out something in the heat of an argument happens in an instant. One can then apologize and strive to temper their method of communication. Cheating takes some thought and planning. HUGE difference. Of course, people who cheat or have been WITH a cheater would refuse to see the logic in this.
StoneCold Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 StoneCold Not that you need cheering on because you are holding your own - Very Well I might add. I just wanted to say that I really appreciate a point of view that is more objective than closed minded/black & white like many post here. I really enjoy reading what you have to say. Thanks:) ~stonecold takes a bow~ Tis my pleasure
StoneCold Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Of course, people who cheat or have been WITH a cheater would refuse to see the logic in this. problem is that logic is very fragmented
Silly_Girl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Some "behaviors" are spur of the moment, impulsive kinds of things. Others, not so much. Others require planning and then execution. Something which one could rethink and choose not to do. Blurting out something in the heat of an argument happens in an instant. One can then apologize and strive to temper their method of communication. Cheating takes some thought and planning. HUGE difference. Of course, people who cheat or have been WITH a cheater would refuse to see the logic in this. What about other behaviours? There was a thread whereby the spouse was constantly mouthing off to friends, family, all and sundry, putting their partner down, belittling them, eroding loyalty and respect. That wasn't spur of the moment. The person doing it had had it brought to their attention many times, over a long time. There are people who call themselves 'parents' and do bugger all to care for the kids, refer to them as if they're a burden and put them and their achievements down. The list is not exhaustive, but these (and other) behaviours will be ranked by you and your peers and considered lesser crimes, versus cheating, when each situation is different and different people rank things differently. Personally, I'd rather be smacked about than betrayed by a SO, and I've experienced both. I believe SC has merely highlighted an almost obsessional, blinkered view (in some - NOT ALL - cases) with regards cheating within a relationship and the refusal to see there is pretty much always a whole lot more to the story.
StoneCold Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 What about other behaviours? There was a thread whereby the spouse was constantly mouthing off to friends, family, all and sundry, putting their partner down, belittling them, eroding loyalty and respect. That wasn't spur of the moment. The person doing it had had it brought to their attention many times, over a long time. There are people who call themselves 'parents' and do bugger all to care for the kids, refer to them as if they're a burden and put them and their achievements down. The list is not exhaustive, but these (and other) behaviours will be ranked by you and your peers and considered lesser crimes, versus cheating, when each situation is different and different people rank things differently. Personally, I'd rather be smacked about than betrayed by a SO, and I've experienced both. I believe SC has merely highlighted an almost obsessional, blinkered view (in some - NOT ALL - cases) with regards cheating within a relationship and the refusal to see there is pretty much always a whole lot more to the story. Thank you......
Memphis Raines Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 You are right. Infidelity 'trumps' all bad behaviours in the marriage and it's my personal opinion that it ought not. then let it be "ought not" for you then. for others it hurts more than other things. I can handle a mean word once in a while I can handle an argument with yelling and hurtful things said. What I won't handle is being cheated on. they can walk out the door and never come back if it comes to that.
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