Nc day two

[Rooke]

A bit more of a shaky day today. I haven't cracked and sent an email.

I think I have actually ran out of things to say to him.

I know his phone is still switched off because a text I sent on d day hasn't been delivered. This is miffing me a bit since it's been ten days now so I don't know if he's paying out the contract on this phone and has gone and got himself a new one or if he thinks I'm trying to contact him and he's stuck his head in the sand and is waiting until he goes back to work next week, (he's a teacher and off for Easter)

If his phone is all of a sudden switched on, I'm not sure how I will feel then.

So part of me hopes he has got a new one and I'll never be able to contact him and part of me hopes he'll switch it on so I can show him I'm not callng him.

I can't possibly know if he ever will make contact, I wish I did.

But I am going to put my mind to this and keep determined and keep on going.

[jwi71]

A bit more of a shaky day today. I haven't cracked and sent an email.

I think I have actually ran out of things to say to him.

I know his phone is still switched off because a text I sent on d day hasn't been delivered. This is miffing me a bit since it's been ten days now so I don't know if he's paying out the contract on this phone and has gone and got himself a new one or if he thinks I'm trying to contact him and he's stuck his head in the sand and is waiting until he goes back to work next week, (he's a teacher and off for Easter)

If his phone is all of a sudden switched on, I'm not sure how I will feel then.

So part of me hopes he has got a new one and I'll never be able to contact him and part of me hopes he'll switch it on so I can show him I'm not callng him.

I can't possibly know if he ever will make contact, I wish I did.

But I am going to put my mind to this and keep determined and keep on going.

 

So you aren't NC by choice.

I get the sense you will readily contact him the moment you are able.

 

What do you want to say? Hear?

 

Like Owl said...what's YOUR goal?

[Rooke]

So you aren't NC by choice.

I get the sense you will readily contact him the moment you are able.

 

What do you want to say? Hear?

 

Like Owl said...what's YOUR goal?

 

 

I'm not NC by choice no.

And at the moment I'm not sure if I would contact him if I was able, and I am able I know where he works, but I want to be strong enough to get through this and keep to NC whether I am able to contact him or not.

[jwi71]

I'm not NC by choice no.

And at the moment I'm not sure if I would contact him if I was able, and I am able I know where he works, but I want to be strong enough to get through this and keep to NC whether I am able to contact him or not.

 

WHY are YOU choosing NC?

 

Would you mind listing the reasons?

[Rooke]

WHY are YOU choosing NC?

 

Would you mind listing the reasons?

 

Firstly because I have no choice in the matter.

 

Secondly because I don't think he will ever make contact so there's no point contacting him if it isn't going to produce a response.

 

Thirdly because he's a totally different person to me now, I know now he will never be capable of telling the truth about anything.

 

I think I've been a coward, I think it's been easier to go along with it than it has to face the pain of losing him,

 

I guess I could make contact, I know where he works but I think don't be ridiculous, he's left you high and dry, keep your dignity and don't go chasing after him.

 

So NC is partly by choice and partly isn't.

[jwi71]

Firstly because I have no choice in the matter.

 

Secondly because I don't think he will ever make contact so there's no point contacting him if it isn't going to produce a response.

 

Thirdly because he's a totally different person to me now, I know now he will never be capable of telling the truth about anything.

 

I think I've been a coward, I think it's been easier to go along with it than it has to face the pain of losing him,

 

I guess I could make contact, I know where he works but I think don't be ridiculous, he's left you high and dry, keep your dignity and don't go chasing after him.

 

So NC is partly by choice and partly isn't.

 

You are in a VERY typical place after D-Day. You are NOT alone here, nor are you crazy or "something wrong with you" for your thoughts, feelings and emotions.

 

I asked you those questions because I want you to focus specifically on OUTCOMES.

 

What will one more conversation about <<whatever>> solve?

What can he say that will "make things better"?

What do YOU gain from talking to him? Closure? Can you define what closure would be for you? If you walk that path a bit I think you will find that "closure" doesn't exist. You, no one really, EVER gets "the end" tidily wrapped up in a neat box with a bow on top. I certainly haven't.

 

Ultimately, I know you will balk at this, he can only offer (and never did) you doubt, questions, and pain. He is NOT a good man - what good man treats YOU (not to mention his W and family) this way?

 

The answers you seek are within. Trite I know. Also true.

 

Right now, your FIRST challenge is BLOCKING him. Let's disregard the "protect and help you heal" aspect for now - let's look at it from the "**** him" aspect. If you hear nothing else I say hear this...the cold reply of silence will eat him as it eats you. Let THAT be YOUR comfort.

 

I know how concerned YOU are for HIM - but how concerned is HE for YOU? Answer - zilch. He is at home doing his level best to NOT get D. This is why you get nada from him (for now). He knows that if his W gets a whiff of you and him in contact, he might get D. So he is protecting himself and his W and his family. And you? Will, you can eat cake.

 

Not trying to be mean...its simple reality.

 

So...the first REAL step is...blocking him. Yes, I know, there are ways around it (such as calling your office)...so lets agree to call it a symbolic first step to regaining YOU back (and in time you will be SHOCKED at how much "you" was lost for HIM and HIS benefit).

 

So...lets do it...block his email address. All of them.

Then his block his phone numbers on your cell and home.

[Rooke]

You are in a VERY typical place after D-Day. You are NOT alone here, nor are you crazy or "something wrong with you" for your thoughts, feelings and emotions.

 

I asked you those questions because I want you to focus specifically on OUTCOMES.

 

What will one more conversation about <<whatever>> solve?

What can he say that will "make things better"?

What do YOU gain from talking to him? Closure? Can you define what closure would be for you? If you walk that path a bit I think you will find that "closure" doesn't exist. You, no one really, EVER gets "the end" tidily wrapped up in a neat box with a bow on top. I certainly haven't.

 

Ultimately, I know you will balk at this, he can only offer (and never did) you doubt, questions, and pain. He is NOT a good man - what good man treats YOU (not to mention his W and family) this way?

 

The answers you seek are within. Trite I know. Also true.

 

Right now, your FIRST challenge is BLOCKING him. Let's disregard the "protect and help you heal" aspect for now - let's look at it from the "**** him" aspect. If you hear nothing else I say hear this...the cold reply of silence will eat him as it eats you. Let THAT be YOUR comfort.

 

I know how concerned YOU are for HIM - but how concerned is HE for YOU? Answer - zilch. He is at home doing his level best to NOT get D. This is why you get nada from him (for now). He knows that if his W gets a whiff of you and him in contact, he might get D. So he is protecting himself and his W and his family. And you? Will, you can eat cake.

 

Not trying to be mean...its simple reality.

 

So...the first REAL step is...blocking him. Yes, I know, there are ways around it (such as calling your office)...so lets agree to call it a symbolic first step to regaining YOU back (and in time you will be SHOCKED at how much "you" was lost for HIM and HIS benefit).

 

So...lets do it...block his email address. All of them.

Then his block his phone numbers on your cell and home.

 

I didn't balk at that, you're absolutely right, that is all he's ever offered me and nothing good has ever come out of it. It's been the same destructive pattern.

I think it's harder this time because I really, (although this does sound crazy!) honestly thought he loved me and we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

In hindsight, I realise he is NOT the man I fell in love with, I fell in love with an ideal I created in my own head and I've had a rude awakening and realised he's a totally different person.

People keep telling me that me freezing him out the way he has done to me will be his just desserts, but if he never makes contact then I can never get that revenge, well perhaps revenge is a strong word, but I can never make him feel rejected, unwanted and unimportant.

If I really thought that him never being allowed back in my life would affect him that strongly then I would do it til the day I die.

But chances are, he doesn't even care.

As you say, I can eat cake, and be grateful for that, most probably.

[fooled once]

A bit more of a shaky day today. I haven't cracked and sent an email.

I think I have actually ran out of things to say to him.

I know his phone is still switched off because a text I sent on d day hasn't been delivered. This is miffing me a bit since it's been ten days now so I don't know if he's paying out the contract on this phone and has gone and got himself a new one or if he thinks I'm trying to contact him and he's stuck his head in the sand and is waiting until he goes back to work next week, (he's a teacher and off for Easter)

If his phone is all of a sudden switched on, I'm not sure how I will feel then.

So part of me hopes he has got a new one and I'll never be able to contact him and part of me hopes he'll switch it on so I can show him I'm not callng him.

I can't possibly know if he ever will make contact, I wish I did.

But I am going to put my mind to this and keep determined and keep on going.

 

Stay strong. Try to not analyze any of this. Try to focus on you and moving forward without him in your life.

 

Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

A bit more of a shaky day today. I haven't cracked and sent an email.

I think I have actually ran out of things to say to him.

I know his phone is still switched off because a text I sent on d day hasn't been delivered. This is miffing me a bit since it's been ten days now so I don't know if he's paying out the contract on this phone and has gone and got himself a new one or if he thinks I'm trying to contact him and he's stuck his head in the sand and is waiting until he goes back to work next week, (he's a teacher and off for Easter)

If his phone is all of a sudden switched on, I'm not sure how I will feel then.

So part of me hopes he has got a new one and I'll never be able to contact him and part of me hopes he'll switch it on so I can show him I'm not callng him.

I can't possibly know if he ever will make contact, I wish I did.

But I am going to put my mind to this and keep determined and keep on going.

 

I keep wanting to call you Rookie!

 

You need to put the phone thing to rest and stop obsessing whether or not he's going to get his phone back on or not.

 

All this is preventing and prolonging the pain and accepting that it's over. Yes it'll hurt like hell, but it's final. To begin your grieving and let yourself REALLY LET GO has to happen, otherwise you're hanging on by a thread, secretly hoping to 'hear' from him.. but for what? A moment or two of feeling a rush? Is it worth it??

[JadedAmore]

What will one more conversation about <<whatever>> solve?

What can he say that will "make things better"?

What do YOU gain from talking to him? Closure? Can you define what closure would be for you? If you walk that path a bit I think you will find that "closure" doesn't exist. You, no one really, EVER gets "the end" tidily wrapped up in a neat box with a bow on top. I certainly haven't.

 

So...lets do it...block his email address. All of them.

Then his block his phone numbers on your cell and home.

 

I have to especially agree with the bolded. xMM and I mutually split ways, and I felt at first that I would be okay with it since we were both getting "closure."

 

Wrong. Dead wrong.

 

Feelings don't just go away. No matter how wrong it is, the heart wants what the heart wants. You will ache, you will cry, you'll feel rejected, angry.. etc.. etc.. maybe none of these, maybe all of these. You will however, come out stronger from all of this if you choose and continue to maintain NC. Enough of being someone's side dish, it's time you find someone who will treat you better than that! (After giving yourself proper time to heal, that is. )

 

I have faith in you. You can do this! Hugs!

[Rooke]

I have to especially agree with the bolded. xMM and I mutually split ways, and I felt at first that I would be okay with it since we were both getting "closure."

 

Wrong. Dead wrong.

 

Feelings don't just go away. No matter how wrong it is, the heart wants what the heart wants. You will ache, you will cry, you'll feel rejected, angry.. etc.. etc.. maybe none of these, maybe all of these. You will however, come out stronger from all of this if you choose and continue to maintain NC. Enough of being someone's side dish, it's time you find someone who will treat you better than that! (After giving yourself proper time to heal, that is. )

 

I have faith in you. You can do this! Hugs!

 

 

I think you're right. I think the harder I beat myself up over the fact that I still love him, the harder it will be to get my self esteem back on track.

And the harder it is to get my self esteem back on track, the easier I will be swayed if he contacts me.

The way I see it, is that yes I may not be NC by choice, but if I was contacting him and chasing after him, it'd still boost his ego and he'd think he was punishing me even more.

So by maintaining NC, even if it's not by choice, at least he hasn't got the satisfaction of knowing I'm chasing him around.

I think if I hadn't found LS I would be a total wreck, it's all very well talking to friends and therapists etc but unless someone has been in this situation, they can never understand.

And I have no doubt LS will keep will strong.

[so-wrong]

I really feel for you Rooke. I know exactly how you feel & how much we want to know that they still feel something for us & it's like a trap where you can't move on, because of the hurt, the wondering & the love we still stupidly carry for the men we thought they were. I personally am struggling to forget the way we were during the A & can't reconcile it with how he's being now. I can't believe that he no longer cares at all & I would imagine you feel exactly the same.

[Rooke]

I really feel for you Rooke. I know exactly how you feel & how much we want to know that they still feel something for us & it's like a trap where you can't move on, because of the hurt, the wondering & the love we still stupidly carry for the men we thought they were. I personally am struggling to forget the way we were during the A & can't reconcile it with how he's being now. I can't believe that he no longer cares at all & I would imagine you feel exactly the same.

 

I do feel exactly the same.

It's a very harsh truth to come to terms with that someone only cares about you if you're giving them what they want, the way they want it and as soon as you're not prepared to play their game anymore then it's bye bye birdie.

I think it's important to remember that's it's not a reflection on us, the only mistake we made was to fall in love with them, whereas they lie, cheat, make promises they can't keep, all just so they can have their cake and eat it.

Do we really want these men to care about us? If they don't care, then why should we? It's a really hard lesson to learn, but a valuable one.

The sad truth is, these are the men they were all along, we just didn't see it because they manipulated us into believing it was something it wasn't,

[Flabbergaster]

What will one more conversation about <<whatever>> solve?

Sadly, there are some things which are never explained to our satisfaction. There are some things which...language is not sufficient to convey.

There comes a point where you realize further discussion is useless, because it can't heal any of the pain. If you're lucky, you can accept that fact and forgive each other. If you're not...just say "f it I guess I never get to know." Are there people that came through your life in small but pleasant ways, that you will never meet again? A person I met overseas was talking with me, "there are three important things I have learned in this life," he said...conversation changed and I will never know the second and third thing. Dealing with pain and confusion and 'want for more' after an A...this conversation struck me as poignant statement on life.

 

..., but I can never make him feel rejected, unwanted and unimportant.

If I really thought that him never being allowed back in my life would affect him that strongly then I would do it til the day I die.

But chances are, he doesn't even care.

Observing as a male, there are two male archetypes in an A, I think. Type 1 is a scumball liar, who is all about getting laid and his needs met. He simply doesn't care. Type 2 is confused and lost and in pain, he really does care about you. He just...happens to be married, which creates significant limitations on him and pain for you. The fun part...I think men can move from type 1 to type 2 in an A, and not so much the other way.

 

Sweetie...I know it hurts right now to feel stupid and used. That's part of the insult. you think he doesn't care, because he's leaving you out in the cold.

Did I send you that teddy bear, yet? It's got a purple tie. Big nose.

If he's type 2...like me...I promise you he is already hurting. Promise that he cares, that he'll remember you with tears in his eyes for a long time. Her name will be my last words (no time soon...not a cry for help).

 

Life doesn't seem fair, sometimes. You got caught in that. Unfortunately he was still with her when he found himself in love with you. This means at least one of you will be hurt. It happened that both she and you were hurt .

 

For whatever reason, he chose her. This is different from not loving you, and it doesn't mean he never loved you. Choosing her doesn't mean he isn't hurting inside. Choosing her...does mean that you have to do what you would do after any breakup...cry (a lot), try to recover, hold your teddy bear (I'll admit I've done it myself), try to forget the pain. Try to think of this as one of your journeys in life. It took you somewhere, and your next journey will take you somewhere from here.

 

Stay strong. Try to not analyze any of this. Try to focus on you and moving forward without him in your life.

This is great advice, for the stage you are in,Rooke. Right now you're in shock. You'll feel better for a few minutes...then it all crashes uponyou. Try to make this advice from Fooled your focus for the next two days. Stop yourself from analysing whenever you notice it,try to save that for next week.

 

I felt at first that I would be okay with it since we were both getting "closure."

Wrong. Dead wrong.

Feelings don't just go away. !

Oh, this is so true. I managed some closure...it kept me satisfied for maybe 15 minutes. Then my heart started to hurt again.

 

The way I see it, is that yes I may not be NC by choice, but if I was contacting him and chasing after him, it'd still boost his ego and he'd think he was punishing me even more.

Actually...if you were contacting and chasing him...he'd be upset, tell you to go away, call you crazy, etc. Knowing this helps me keep NC when i really want to break it.

Unfortunately he is on a different path, from you. Your pain has left you wanting more of him, your heart thinks that is the way out of pain. His pain...his heart thinks that finding a way to live without each other is the only solution for the pain the two of you have. Because he knows he won't leave her, for whatever reason.

There will be days when he wants to hear from you. It will tear him up that he can't, that he has to do it this way. You want your revenge? Think of how bad you feel...and think of how much it would suck if you had chosen this NC and the end. Whenever he is in pain..he is fully aware that NC was his choice. Oh that adds to the pain, knowing you are the cause of your own pain.

It's quite possible this massive NC effort from him was a condition from his W for her to stay. Unfortunately she likely forced him to implement this on you in a rough way. Considering the harm she's suffered, you should not begrudge her this.

 

I think if I hadn't found LS I would be a total wreck, it's all very well talking to friends and therapists etc but unless someone has been in this situation, they can never understand.

And I have no doubt LS will keep will strong.

This is so true for so many of us.

Ladies...and the occasional gentlemen...thank you all. We will recover, many of the wounded we help will recover. Rooke, I want you to start thinking how good it will feel, once you've recovered, when you get the chance to post help here to a confused woman in pain, whose writing makes it clear to you that she's really young. Imagine how much of a difference you're going to make in her entire life, once you get better enough to help. That's a good goal, isn't it?

 

I personally am struggling to forget the way we were during the A & can't reconcile it with how he's being now. I can't believe that he no longer cares at all & I would imagine you feel exactly the same.

Nature of an A is limited periods of communication. We are left to assume what is happening. Sadly, we choose to assume the other doesn't care because they can't communicate. The truth is that sometimes time just runs out? The A gets to a point where we can't continue without more time (and commitment) from each other. Either a divorce happens, or the affair ends. If the affair ends...oh be assured that if he loved you, he does care and is hurt. Let that salve your pride, do not let that make you resume communication. The pain of ending the A...is that he simply cannot and will not give you what you want.Don't assume that means he doesn't care.

 

I think it's important to remember that's it's not a reflection on us, the only mistake we made was to fall in love with them, whereas they lie, cheat, make promises they can't keep, all just so they can have their cake and eat it.

All true. It is not a reflection on you. You are wonderful, enough that you were cared for. Unfortunately you made the mistake of falling in love with a married man, and hoping that love was enough to 'rescue' him from his M. Well...now you have learned why A's are bad. They're bad because you get hurt so much. You found out the limit of what he could / was willing to do. It wasn't enough. I'm so sorry. Theytried to warn us, but we listened to our hearts and thought love would solve the problems. Lesson learned (hopefully).

 

Do we really want these men to care about us? If they don't care, then why should we? It's a really hard lesson to learn, but a valuable one.

Everyone manipulated each other, hoping for a different ending. Unfortunately reality comes to collect the debt.

 

Yes, you want us to care about you. You don't want to feel rejected like this. I would argue that you aren't being rejected....you just weren't more important to him than the M. This doesn't say bad things about you; we'll never understand why he chose the M. It's quite possible that you were the better choice; I think in many cases the jilted OW actually was a better choice. It's like gambling in the casino...The House has a better chance of winning, and that's how the game works. Don't gamble with money you can't lose, and don't enter an A with love you can't do without.

 

The sad truth is, these are the men they were all along, we just didn't see it because they manipulated us into believing it was something it wasn't,

The sad truth is that these are the same limitations that we had on the A all along, neither the OW or the MM saw them because they didn't want to believe there were limitations.

[Rooke]

 

Observing as a male, there are two male archetypes in an A, I think. Type 1 is a scumball liar, who is all about getting laid and his needs met. He simply doesn't care. Type 2 is confused and lost and in pain, he really does care about you. He just...happens to be married, which creates significant limitations on him and pain for you. The fun part...I think men can move from type 1 to type 2 in an A, and not so much the other way.

 

Sweetie...I know it hurts right now to feel stupid and used. That's part of the insult. you think he doesn't care, because he's leaving you out in the cold.

Did I send you that teddy bear, yet? It's got a purple tie. Big nose.

If he's type 2...like me...I promise you he is already hurting. Promise that he cares, that he'll remember you with tears in his eyes for a long time. Her name will be my last words (no time soon...not a cry for help).

 

Life doesn't seem fair, sometimes. You got caught in that. Unfortunately he was still with her when he found himself in love with you. This means at least one of you will be hurt. It happened that both she and you were hurt .

 

For whatever reason, he chose her. This is different from not loving you, and it doesn't mean he never loved you. Choosing her doesn't mean he isn't hurting inside. Choosing her...does mean that you have to do what you would do after any breakup...cry (a lot), try to recover, hold your teddy bear (I'll admit I've done it myself), try to forget the pain. Try to think of this as one of your journeys in life. It took you somewhere, and your next journey will take you somewhere from here.

 

 

This is great advice, for the stage you are in,Rooke. Right now you're in shock. You'll feel better for a few minutes...then it all crashes uponyou. Try to make this advice from Fooled your focus for the next two days. Stop yourself from analysing whenever you notice it,try to save that for next week.

 

 

Oh, this is so true. I managed some closure...it kept me satisfied for maybe 15 minutes. Then my heart started to hurt again.

 

 

Actually...if you were contacting and chasing him...he'd be upset, tell you to go away, call you crazy, etc. Knowing this helps me keep NC when i really want to break it.

Unfortunately he is on a different path, from you. Your pain has left you wanting more of him, your heart thinks that is the way out of pain. His pain...his heart thinks that finding a way to live without each other is the only solution for the pain the two of you have. Because he knows he won't leave her, for whatever reason.

There will be days when he wants to hear from you. It will tear him up that he can't, that he has to do it this way. You want your revenge? Think of how bad you feel...and think of how much it would suck if you had chosen this NC and the end. Whenever he is in pain..he is fully aware that NC was his choice. Oh that adds to the pain, knowing you are the cause of your own pain.

It's quite possible this massive NC effort from him was a condition from his W for her to stay. Unfortunately she likely forced him to implement this on you in a rough way. Considering the harm she's suffered, you should not begrudge her this.

 

 

This is so true for so many of us.

Ladies...and the occasional gentlemen...thank you all. We will recover, many of the wounded we help will recover. Rooke, I want you to start thinking how good it will feel, once you've recovered, when you get the chance to post help here to a confused woman in pain, whose writing makes it clear to you that she's really young. Imagine how much of a difference you're going to make in her entire life, once you get better enough to help. That's a good goal, isn't it?

 

 

Nature of an A is limited periods of communication. We are left to assume what is happening. Sadly, we choose to assume the other doesn't care because they can't communicate. The truth is that sometimes time just runs out? The A gets to a point where we can't continue without more time (and commitment) from each other. Either a divorce happens, or the affair ends. If the affair ends...oh be assured that if he loved you, he does care and is hurt. Let that salve your pride, do not let that make you resume communication. The pain of ending the A...is that he simply cannot and will not give you what you want.Don't assume that means he doesn't care.

 

 

All true. It is not a reflection on you. You are wonderful, enough that you were cared for. Unfortunately you made the mistake of falling in love with a married man, and hoping that love was enough to 'rescue' him from his M. Well...now you have learned why A's are bad. They're bad because you get hurt so much. You found out the limit of what he could / was willing to do. It wasn't enough. I'm so sorry. Theytried to warn us, but we listened to our hearts and thought love would solve the problems. Lesson learned (hopefully).

 

 

Everyone manipulated each other, hoping for a different ending. Unfortunately reality comes to collect the debt.

 

Yes, you want us to care about you. You don't want to feel rejected like this. I would argue that you aren't being rejected....you just weren't more important to him than the M. This doesn't say bad things about you; we'll never understand why he chose the M. It's quite possible that you were the better choice; I think in many cases the jilted OW actually was a better choice. It's like gambling in the casino...The House has a better chance of winning, and that's how the game works. Don't gamble with money you can't lose, and don't enter an A with love you can't do without.

 

 

The sad truth is that these are the same limitations that we had on the A all along, neither the OW or the MM saw them because they didn't want to believe there were limitations.

 

 

I think he has proved to me on more than one occassion that he is Type 1. If he is missing me, then that will only be because his needs are no longer being met and he is no longer feeling loved, worshipped, admired, validated or adored. I think our A was about how it made HIM feel about himself, not about how we felt about each other.

He told me he loved me, he told me I was the only person he was in love with and he was no longer in love with her but as soon as he got caught then all of that was out the window.

The other problem is, that had he been honest with me, it would have been my decision whether or not to accept those limitations and stay with within the boundaries of what we had, but because he led me to believe we had a future, lied to me and made me promises he knew for a fact he couldn't keep, then he KNEW I would feel even more let down, even more hurt than if it was simply just that he had decided to cut me loose to save the M. That I could have understood.

So I don't think he is 'torn' or 'confused' his choices have also been clear, it's just that he didn't tell me the truth about what his choices were.

I do believe he had some feelings for me, but whatever they were, they are not overwhelming enough for him to break NC and to see me, if missing me was tearing him apart, then no matter what, he would habe had to come and see me.

I doubt she has taken any steps to reconcile with him, it's too soon, so he has had plenty of opportunity to make contact and see me and because he hasn't is more than enough to prove that actually he didn't love me.

IF he does make contact, then perhaps I will allow myself to believe that he did love me, in his own, selfish, twisted way, and that, as you say, he was simply confused and torn.

However, as I don't think that that will ever be the case, I doubt my name will be his last words (as you so romantically put it) and I don't think he will ever think outside of his selfish little box enough to realise I'm not to blame.

And no you didn't send me that teddy bear! Although I doubt it would be any comparison in terms of a replacement, however it did make me smile