theLoveLogic Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 (edited) It’s been over 3 months since the last time you have heard from your ex. Your thoughts still tend to be consumed with your former partner yet you hear or know nothing of their existence. You ask yourself over and over and over again the same question yet there are no answers. The thought of going out or even dating others is so outrageous that you can’t even fathom betraying your ex even though they walked out months ago. “What if they call and I am dating? What would I do then?” You begin to conjure up what it would be like if your ex returned and how good things would be based off of the distant memories of what once was long ago. The mind is a brilliant piece of tissue and nerve endings that come together and form our very thoughts, our feelings and emotions. In a matter of nanoseconds, we can feel happy, sad, or even depressed. What makes one happy while same event causes sadness? As an example: A breakup occurs and one partner yells “Good riddance!” with a smile while during another breakup the partner screams “Please don’t leave me”. The answer to the above question is circumstances as well as the emotional ties involved from both parties involved. Let’s delve a bit deeper shall we? When two people have a good relationship, the memories they create are good ones. Sounds a bit simplistic yet if we come to the following theory: 1.Good + good= good: Meaning all good circumstances while in the relationship will result in good memories. 2. Bad + bad= bad: Meaning all bad circumstances while in the relationship will result in bad memories. As elementary as these sound, they makes perfect, logical sense. The more good times you both share, the better the memories each has to take with them regardless of what happens after the relationship is over. The opposite is true for the bad times. Sadly, there are those that have been in an unhealthy relationship yet stayed based off of the following idealistic theory: 1.Good + bad= bad for now but possibly good later This may sound silly since it doesn’t follow any rhyme or reason (logic) but it happens to many people because they are choosing to see things the way they WANT to rather than the way the TRULY are. There are people that are called “pleasers”. I happen to be a pleaser by nature and I like who I am but my past was far from pleasing. Pleasers by nature want to fix things. Regardless of what it is, the theory behind a pleaser is “let’s don’t argue, everything is going to be fine.” Pleasers would rather make peace than have a debate because of the way conflict makes a pleaser feel. Many years ago, I was this person. I thought I was helping my situation but in all reality I was hurting it as well as myself. There are so many that choose not to look at their current circumstances with an open mind because of what they are afraid to see. The old saying after all does say “Seeing is believing.” Who wants to look at themselves or their current relationship and find it far from happy or even acceptable? Who wants to feel as if they gave all they could while in the relationship only to fail or even worse, be taken advantage of. There is another expression that says “Loving eyes can never see.” I could not agree more. When you are in a situation for yourself, it is much harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel but of course when you are an outsider looking in, the advice you didn’t take for yourself and you give it to others makes perfect sense. Why would they NOT take your advice? You have your head together….right? What your friends and family don’t know is that you don’t have your heart together. If you choose not to put your heart into an important decision, how important really is the decision your making? What would someone think of you if your heart wasn’t in it; let’s say your friendship? How would others feel about you? My thought process is simple. If your heart and mind are not together, you are out of balance. To be off balance means to not be centered. Have you ever walked a balance beam? There are some out there that can maneuver a balance beam by doing back flips and jumps that are mind boggling. To the average Joe, being off balance means we are struggling not to fall to either side. The key is not falling in general. The mind and heart are two separate organs yet when in emotional turmoil the heart and mind switch. The mind feels the emotion while the heart takes on the thought processes. How can this be? How can the heart think as the mind feels? The imbalance you might feel is because you possibly have relied on someone else to love you the way you should have loved yourself since the beginning and when they walked away, so did the love you were supposed to have for yourself. What you have left is nothing. Think of it this way. If you had a vessel filled with 6 inches of water and someone came along and filled the rest of your vessel until it reached the top, it would be indeed full. What if someone came along and took your vessel? How much water would you have? The answer is though the water belonged to you and someone cam e along and filled the rest up to the top, if you allow someone to come along and take what was ONCE YOURS, you have nothing. People cannot take what you don’t have but they can take what you give them. For those having a tough time, read that last line again. If you give someone your heart (your love, respect, honesty, adoration etc.) and you allow them to walk away with it without giving you anything in return, whose fault is it? Who’s at fault? The person left with nothing or the person walking away with what was not theirs? My theory is we pine for those that walked out on us because we WANT to give them our hearts. We don’t want them back because that forces us to accept the fact that it is truly over. Love is the most cherished emotion there is in the universe. When someone doesn’t want our love, we see ourselves as not being loving. We are forced to look at ourselves with a dark shadow looming because we start to convince ourselves that if the person that used to love me doesn’t love me anymore, I must be unlovable. If I am unlovable no one will ever love me. WRONG! Let’s don’t put the horse before the carriage. There is no logic in love. We can find someone attractive from across the room but it doesn’t mean we love them. Love has a way of sneaking up on us and taking hold of our thoughts and our feelings. We tend to day dream more, our thoughts are occupied of what ‘could be’ instead of going home to an empty house night after night. Love finds a way to overflow our vessel. Our vessels are our hearts. Love is always pouring and always overflowing. It never stops, it never dries up and there is an endless supply. The kicker is knowing who to give it to. How will you know the time is right? How do you know the person wants you love? How will you know they will stay? The truth is you don’t but the secret is to be consistent with your behavior, your love, your respect, your honesty and integrity. Love someone like they will walk away and not like they never will. For those that assume that your lover will never leave you, I find your confidence sexy but your inability to see things clearly a bit naïve. I choose to be a forward thinker. I choose to live my life the way I want. I do not need someone to come along and live my life for me. I am blessed and I have come a long way in my 37 years. I choose to love me for who I am and what I stand for. I challenge you to do the same and to stop wasting time waiting for a train at the airport. You are the master of all that you do, feel and think. Don’t rely on others to make you happy or complete. If someone comes along, they should ADD to your unbounded love for yourself as well as your life and family. If you choose to let someone else in, then do so cautiously. Let someone earn it. Let them know you will not be fooled nor will you tolerate such foolishness. The way not to play games is not to play. If someone chooses to try and toy with your feelings, then let them go. There will be someone else. Regardless if we can’t see the road in front of us, it doesn’t mean you can’t pave one. Believe in your ability to feel love and to give love. Stop the thoughts of having to be with some ONE and know in your heart that if they don’t want you that one million people will want you. You can do this. Push negative thoughts out of your head and leave the thought process to the brain and the love and feelings to your heart. Think about it… -SuperDave71 By the way...I am the REAL SuperDave71 not an imposter like Homebrew. My user name was already taken so I had to use another. Edited April 20, 2011 by theLoveLogic
Jerrica Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 you sound like a very wise person!!! I'm only in day 4 NC since my ex went on a name calling rampage for the 3rd time. Trying to stay strong Unfortunately for me though, the more I move on and better myself, the more angry my ex gets and the more he hates me. So NC kind of backfired in my case, but it has helped me heal a great amount so far (although not nearly there yet). I miss him a lot, but it doesn't consume me or my life anymore
Author theLoveLogic Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Remember that No Contact is for you...Not your ex. I am sorry for your current situation but I know you can do it. It can be very difficult to deal with an ex that really shows you who they really are without hiding behind the mask. Ask yourself this simple question... What positive thing can come of name calling? Was this his way of lashing out? Thanks for the response and keep your chin up. You can do this. -SuperDave71
Jerrica Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 he was definitely lashing out in a very negative way. As I see it, he has absolutely no grounds to stand on to call me names, as this is what HE wanted, and even told me to move on himself. Nothing positive comes from it at all, he is just making himself look immature, trying to turn the tables onto me when I did nothing wrong. I am 25 years old and have far grown out of name calling.....although I do love this man, I do see him as a child who throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way. and they do say, a man is only as big as the things that anger him
EmperorR Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Superdave your no contact guide helped me tremendously in the past Great info like always
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