so-wrong Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I am struggling so much at the moment. I can't move forwards & miss MM desperately. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we will be in touch again one day. Sorry for posting like this but it is just too hard.
Rose1977 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I don't know your background, but I know what you're feeling. I have had my heart broken and I know all too well those desperate days when all you want to do is cry and it seems like your world is falling apart. It's a terrible place to be and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. There really isn't anything anyone can say to make it better. My best advice would be to keep posting here, get it all out here instead of breaking NC. It DOES pass, though not as quickly as we would wish. Love will come again when you least expect it, because that's just the way it happens. Try doing something nice for yourself today - dinner with friends or a massage, pedicure - or go to the gym and take all your agression out on the treadmill. Sorry you're hurting.
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I am struggling so much at the moment. I can't move forwards & miss MM desperately. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we will be in touch again one day. Sorry for posting like this but it is just too hard. It's okay to miss him..Just don't reach out to him. Sorry I can't remember off the top of my head, your situation.. Are you two in NC mode so he can end his marriage, or is he asking for space so he can figure out what he wants, you or his wife? Did he leave the door open or is this you not accepting it's over and you still have a faint bit of hope? The mind is a powerful thing and can convince you of anything..Even if the truth is smacking you in the face, the mind can take over and make you see something that really isn't there..
Irishlove Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Write him a letter but don't give it to him. Maybe start a journal. Everything takes time. They always come back so stop worrying and live your life and that day will come. Who knows you may find someone while you are living your life. Stay away from sad songs. (hugs) We are here for you
Silly_Girl Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 It is SO hard. No one in the world can make this any easier... Oh! Except you!!!! Make every day a Me-Day. Remember what makes you smile, what captures your brain, what makes you feel exhilarated and what makes you feel relaxed... See friends who make you laugh, buy things that make you feel special. Do things for you. Because no one person on this earth encapsulates our happiness. WE make ourselves happy. You can't bring joy to someone else's life until you're at peace with yourself and are able to love yourself. Try it out, please, and your days won't become easy, but they'll be a whole lot more bearable. Good luck!
skywriter Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Write him a letter but don't give it to him. Maybe start a journal. Everything takes time. They always come back so stop worrying and live your life and that day will come. Who knows you may find someone while you are living your life. Stay away from sad songs. (hugs) We are here for you __________________ Go where you are celebrated...not tolerated I 2nd this. Very wise post.
HalfAlive22 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Write him a letter but don't give it to him. Maybe start a journal. Everything takes time. They always come back so stop worrying and live your life and that day will come. Who knows you may find someone while you are living your life. Stay away from sad songs. (hugs) We are here for you __________________ Go where you are celebrated...not tolerated I 2nd this. Very wise post. What make you think they always come back, and why would she want to be second choice at that point, just curious.
jwi71 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I am struggling so much at the moment. I can't move forwards & miss MM desperately. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we will be in touch again one day. Sorry for posting like this but it is just too hard. Do you want your M to survive?
Author so-wrong Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Do you want your M to survive? My M is virtually dead & it is devastating me. However my brain is clearly not wired up correctly & the love I felt for my H has been beaten into submission by the feelings I still cling onto for the MM. He obviously (& understandably) has major issues with me for my role in the A so you could say things aren't great. I would love to forget MM but even though after D day he decided to try & work on his marriage, I've still got a nagging feeling that he will come back (or would welcome me back) in the future & that's what I want. (And don't worry, it would not be in an A situation either, I wouldn't do that again). I know I'm acting like a total crazy woman but I can't help myself (& I can't help but feel that I don't deserve my H's love anymore so should let him go to find someone better who wouldn't do this to him).
jwi71 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 My M is virtually dead & it is devastating me. However my brain is clearly not wired up correctly & the love I felt for my H has been beaten into submission by the feelings I still cling onto for the MM. He obviously (& understandably) has major issues with me for my role in the A so you could say things aren't great. I would love to forget MM but even though after D day he decided to try & work on his marriage, I've still got a nagging feeling that he will come back (or would welcome me back) in the future & that's what I want. (And don't worry, it would not be in an A situation either, I wouldn't do that again). I know I'm acting like a total crazy woman but I can't help myself (& I can't help but feel that I don't deserve my H's love anymore so should let him go to find someone better who wouldn't do this to him). What is preventing you from filing for D?
Author so-wrong Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 What is preventing you from filing for D? I need to know 100% that my M is dead before getting a D because of the children. I don't see a need to rush & maybe my feelings can change to how they were pre-A. We've tried MC but it was pretty ineffective to be fair. We still get on well but he has trust & anger issues (understandably) & my head's in a mess as I said before. But neither of us want to throw the towel in until we know it's definitely, definitely over. Having said that I'm not afraid to go it alone if needs be & we will always work together to keep our children happy.
jwi71 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I need to know 100% that my M is dead before getting a D because of the children. I don't see a need to rush & maybe my feelings can change to how they were pre-A. We've tried MC but it was pretty ineffective to be fair. We still get on well but he has trust & anger issues (understandably) & my head's in a mess as I said before. But neither of us want to throw the towel in until we know it's definitely, definitely over. Having said that I'm not afraid to go it alone if needs be & we will always work together to keep our children happy. Hope Im not pestering you but... That reply, the one I quoted, is that a "Yes, I want my M"? It doesn't sound like it to me. Can you, with honesty and integrity, look your H in the eye and say "I want our M to survive"? And for MC, it takes MONTHS for real progress. Are you willing to give 100% open and honest EFFORT into MC, your H and your M? And, lets "ignore" your children for now - this is framed in "You and your H".
JadedAmore Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I'm not trying to step on toes... but just reading this thread alone, it looks like your MM is not the only one who is making you second choice. Are you really wanting to work on your own M, or are you just afraid that you will end up with nothing? Either way, it's hard to let go. I found that keeping a journal was very therapeutic for me. I used to write in it daily, and in my mind I wrote it as if I were writing to him and he was able to read it.. though he obviously couldn't. Now, I'm getting to the point where I write in it maybe once a week. Good luck, stay strong!
Quiet Storm Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Allow yourself a set time per day to grieve. Say from 5-7 or something like that. Cry, listen to songs, write letters, whatever. But the rest of the day focus on you. Do what you like. Read. Meet friends. Watch movies. Get into a weekly TV show. Spend time with you husband. Rediscover your marriage. Give energy to the people that deserve it. The point is to allow yourself to grieve this loss, but not to lose yourself in the process. Your whole life can't be based around one man. It's not healthy.
fooled once Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Allow yourself a set time per day to grieve. Say from 5-7 or something like that. Cry, listen to songs, write letters, whatever. But the rest of the day focus on you. Do what you like. Read. Meet friends. Watch movies. Get into a weekly TV show. Spend time with you husband. Rediscover your marriage. Give energy to the people that deserve it. The point is to allow yourself to grieve this loss, but not to lose yourself in the process. Your whole life can't be based around one man. It's not healthy. Excellent advice!!!
Flabbergaster Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 My M is virtually dead & it is devastating me. However my brain is clearly not wired up correctly & the love I felt for my H has been beaten into submission by the feelings I still cling onto for the MM [snip] & I can't help but feel that I don't deserve my H's love anymore so should let him go to find someone better who wouldn't do this to him). SoWro, I would like to politely suggest that you consider what I'm doing, with my M: no more big changes in your life, just yet. Deal with your grief, first. After that, you can focus on reconciliation or divorce. Let the feelign of guilt about H wait until you deal with some of the pain, as well. You're not in a position to figure out everything with your H, how you feel about him. Your heart has been elsewhere. One problem at a time, dear. I hear someone who is still in shock, still grasping for a way to hold the AP. Hehe...easy to recognize, I'm kind of the same boat, some days. Wow, I know what you mean by struggling. Somedays my goal when i wake up is to make it back to bed in one piece, try to get enough work done to keep my job. Too often. Just try to move forward a bit more than you move backward. Keep moving forward, SoWro. We'll get there. It's better than it was when we were in the A, right?
Author so-wrong Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 SoWro, I would like to politely suggest that you consider what I'm doing, with my M: no more big changes in your life, just yet. Deal with your grief, first. After that, you can focus on reconciliation or divorce. Let the feelign of guilt about H wait until you deal with some of the pain, as well. You're not in a position to figure out everything with your H, how you feel about him. Your heart has been elsewhere. One problem at a time, dear. I hear someone who is still in shock, still grasping for a way to hold the AP. Hehe...easy to recognize, I'm kind of the same boat, some days. Wow, I know what you mean by struggling. Somedays my goal when i wake up is to make it back to bed in one piece, try to get enough work done to keep my job. Too often. Just try to move forward a bit more than you move backward. Keep moving forward, SoWro. We'll get there. It's better than it was when we were in the A, right? As usual you give such sound advice Flabbergaster. I usually (& understandably) get some sharp comments for being M rather than just the OW & I do really hate what I have done/am doing to my H. But if forced into a decision right now, we would have to split as my feelings have been numbed so much by the A that I don't know what to think or do anymore. Problem is that it's a race against time to sort myself out & let go of MM before H leaves me (& no, I wouldn't blame him). The best elements of our M were always that we had a great friendship & trust before the A & I have destroyed those beyond recognition. Our sex life was never the best & my desire for him now is virtually dead. However nor do I desire any other man except MM, so for now I cling to the hope that as I move on, my feelings will change. It's as if I'm afraid to let go & I don't know why? Sorry for rambling.
Flabbergaster Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 As usual you give such sound advice Flabbergaster. I usually (& understandably) get some sharp comments for being M rather than just the OW & I do really hate what I have done/am doing to my H. But if forced into a decision right now, we would have to split as my feelings have been numbed so much by the A that I don't know what to think or do anymore. Problem is that it's a race against time to sort myself out & let go of MM before H leaves me (& no, I wouldn't blame him). The best elements of our M were always that we had a great friendship & trust before the A & I have destroyed those beyond recognition. Our sex life was never the best & my desire for him now is virtually dead. However nor do I desire any other man except MM, Well, we always have someone attacking us here, right? Bear in mind that to a single OW, you are a confusing thing. It might be hard for the single OW to understand that you would risk what they are trying to win...the H. As to your self...separate the problems, deal with one at a time. Well then, avoid being forced into a decision right now. Perhaps a week apart to grieve would be possible? I often advise against divulging the A...on more than one occasion I have felt like divulging it...in part to explain why I'm so sad and get some space to grieve. I believe you have mentioned being in couples therapy; if not you need it as a start. That would be a good place to discuss idea that getting over the A first would give you a chance to then work on the M, that guilt of what you have done combined with fear of losing him and the effect of A ending are too much for you to deal with at once. If he has stayed with you for this many steps of your journey, he might be willing to stay for a few more, if it means you can have a chance to heal and then come back to him and heal him. You aren't in a condition to decide anything, and you can't trust your feelings about H or M to be objective. So avoid the decision, if you can. Getting a divorce right now would give you space to grieve...it would also add to your grief. Divorce right now...is an irrecoverable move. You can't do that, cheer up, and then realize you do love your H. My advice...try to get over the grief, then explore the M. While getting over the grief, you might realize you feel differently about H. I will agree that this is not easy, not at all. Your heart is screaming for xAP, when you look at BS. You think "why can't you be the xAP?!?!" unfairly. Keep trying to get past those thoughts. so for now I cling to the hope that as I move on, my feelings will change. It's as if I'm afraid to let go & I don't know why? You and me both, So. You and me both. I know I'm afraid to let go and move on. Part of me is actually afraid my feelings will change, that this is the last chance to have what i want. My privvy council argues with me "you already past the last chance, her heart has changed." And I do not want to listen. I think once we do let go, we can finish healing, and work on healing our M. It's not what we want...sometimes we take what is offered, and that must be enough.
thomasb Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Write him a letter but don't give it to him. Maybe start a journal. Everything takes time. They always come back so stop worrying and live your life and that day will come. Who knows you may find someone while you are living your life. Stay away from sad songs. (hugs) We are here for you __________________ Go where you are celebrated...not tolerated I 2nd this. Very wise post. They do not always come back! To say this is generalizing in the worst way.. I never wanted to see her again when I ended my affair. Ever.
jwi71 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 As to your self...separate the problems, deal with one at a time.Well then, avoid being forced into a decision right now. Flabber -This is impossible for her as her H knows...you are afforded this luxury as your W doesn't know...or does she? Don't know your story but I'm guessing, based on this, your W is still clueless to your A. I digress, I disagree because I think the situations while similar are, in fact, radically different - her H knows, your W does not. Your advice, while sound for someone in that position, is awful for a WS when the BS knows. Obviously, if I'm wrong about your W knowing then this is to be discarded. So-wrong, you MUST choose NOW. Your H or your MM. Every thought that goes to your MM IS noticed by your H. And every thought slowly strangles any chance your M can be saved. You MUST choose...MM or your H. In fact, you HAVE chosen - you choose to allow your M to fail and to pursue a life with your MM. You choose this by NOT giving 100% to your H. And yes, he notices. Do NOT end up like MBEG. MBEG, a poster from last year...or maybe the year before...couldn't make the decision and she lost everything...last I heard, lives in small 1 BDR apt and has 50% custody of her kids. Still pining for MM (after over a year out of her M) and he was still M. That's YOUR future if you FAIL to choose and ACT on your choice. Perhaps a week apart to grieve would be possible? I often advise against divulging the A...on more than one occasion I have felt like divulging it...in part to explain why I'm so sad and get some space to grieve. Ok, you haven't confessed Flabber. Now, to TJ a bit, I would say your M will NEVER recover until you do. And you haven't confessed not to recover, but you FEAR the consequence. Beat the fear, confess and MAYBE your M recovers. Or maybe not. Start a thread and I'll go into details as to why I think this. End T/J Spending a week apart is a pretty good idea. But you have to spend it with someone who SUPPORTS your M. Anyone else (or alone) will feed thoughts of you in the sack with your MM to your H. If you need space, do it with a chaperone your H trusts and will keep you from the MM. I believe you have mentioned being in couples therapy; if not you need it as a start. Yup. Get yourself and your H to MC NOW. Get yourself to IC NOW. That would be a good place to discuss idea that getting over the A first would give you a chance to then work on the M, that guilt of what you have done combined with fear of losing him and the effect of A ending are too much for you to deal with at once. I disagree. MC first. Save the M if that's what you want. Sorry, there is timer counting down to divorce in your H's head...you MUST begin to rebuild before he tosses you out and D is inevitable. Right now, you are 100% lost in the fog and incapable of knowing what you want. I can say that because you have not, to my knowledge, chosen which man you want and begun taking OVERT OBSERVABLE ACTIONS to creating a future with your choice. The more you wait, the more likely it is your H chooses for you. You aren't in a condition to decide anything, and you can't trust your feelings about H or M to be objective So true. However the situation dictates she choose. Every step NOT taken towards her H is, in her H's mind, a step AWAY from him (and towards her MM). This is a luxury she does not have. . So avoid the decision, if you can. But her H might not allow it. HE may file at any moment. Getting a divorce right now would give you space to grieve...it would also add to your grief. Divorce right now...is an irrecoverable move. You can't do that, cheer up, and then realize you do love your H. Sure she can - she can walk that path. Look, I'm a BS whose now xWW cheated and walked so-wrong's path. My xWW couldn't choose so I chose for her. It wasn't pretty. Sure, her and her OM had a great time until it blew up...then she knocked on my door on her hands and knees sobbing. I shut it in her face. Literally. My advice...try to get over the grief, then explore the M. While getting over the grief, you might realize you feel differently about H. I think my disagreement to FLabber's advice is previously stated. HE has the luxury of delay because his W doesn't know. But your H DOES know...and every delay literally pushes your H away. You might delay and come home to D papers and a not so subtle "Get Out". Then what? I will agree that this is not easy, not at all. Your heart is screaming for xAP, when you look at BS. You think "why can't you be the xAP?!?!" unfairly. Keep trying to get past those thoughts. Yup. IC is great for this. The road in front of you is BRUTAL. There are NO shortcuts, no MAGIC PILL, just brutal, emotionally draining work. Your hell has only just begun. Don't mean to scare you...just trying to set your expectations. I asked before...do you want to be M? Or do you want to try and make a future with your OM? Choose. Act accordingly. This wishy-washy bull gets you nothing, literally. You take control of your life...set a goal and ACT. You want your M...then FIGHT. I'll help. OThers will as well...to give you fair warning as to what lies ahead...as to what your H is likely thinking. You want the OM...then DIVORCE. Its easy. Takes maybe 1 hour to file. Then move out, separate finances and begin your new life. I can help with this too having gone through this myself (and I filed with two kids under 5). TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. CHOOSE. ACT. All the best...
Author so-wrong Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Thankyou Flabbergaster & Jwi71 for your carefully considered words of advice. I do still love & crave MM but for the time being at least am making the conscious decision to leave NC securely in place, push him out of my mind (as much as is humanly possible) & do my damnedest to work on my M, for the sake of my children & my H (who inexplicably still loves me). As MM always used to say to me, if things are meant to be, they will happen, so I just need to chill, do my best for my family & hope I can emerge from the fog relatively unscathed. I really do appreciate your inputs - they are so valuable at an incredibly difficult time.
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