Still in love with her - What does that say about me?

[JustEmptyInside]

Well - 4 months into my so-called "recovery," and over the last week or so I feel like i've slid backwards real quickly. My apologies in advance for the disorganized ranting - but i'm hoping that venting to all of you here might help. My poor friends are probably sick of listening to it

 

By the end of month 3, I was still in pretty rough shape, but really thought that I was on my way. I understand a bad day here and there, but for some reason the last few weeks have been horrendous. I've taken a lot of time to think back on my own faults over our 6 year relationship, but I still just don't feel like moving on. Trying to go through the negatives in my head leaves me with a few really poignant memories (out of the thousands pouring through my head) that are driving me into the ground:

 

1. Throughout out relationship, I always tried to put her first. Being that she was 7 years older than me, we were at two different places in our lives. And yes, looking back - she was damaged when we met from her past relationships. I didn't care, I fell in love with her and wanted nothing more than to be with her, and I was willing to deal with whatever was in front of us. It's funny that there's another recent thread about guys being an intermediate partner for a recovering 'damaged' female. There is a lot of truth in that thread.

Regardless, I changed a lot of things in my life to accommodate. Settling down young, settling for a career that wasn't ideal, changing the timeline for my life plans. And none of this really bothered me - in fact, I don't regret it a bit, since it helped make a life for us, and a life for her that she always wanted. I drifted apart from my own family and friends to be with her. I drifted away from my own hobbies and likes. Again, no real regrets, I was in love. In the end to try and cover up her association with the 'other guy,' she went out of her way to make me feel like crap, to make the breakup my fault. One of her main gripes? That I apparently put 'everyone else' ahead of her. I still can't wrap my mind around that, and part of me feels guilty if she really feels that way.

 

2. After so many years together, when she came home and told me it's over, obviously the first thing that I wanted was to try and work it out. All she needed to do was tell me that she was unhappy, and I would have done anything to try and work through it before relegating it to a failed relationship. She didn't even want to try. Didn't want to hear it. Told me that I had my chance to 'change'. I honestly didn't know that I so desperately needed to change. Things were good, she constantly told me how lucky she was. How I was so different and she never loved anyone like this. How she wanted to get married and spend our lives together. Being a moron, I thought that meant she was actually happy.

 

3. (And I guess that this one was just icing) With some more information about the events that transpired between the two of them, i've come to a crappy conclusion. The first night that she said she was going out after work, I used the opportunity to go out and finally out a deposit down on a ring that I'd been looking at for a long time. I was actually feeling pretty good, thinking about ways to propose and all that stuff. Turns out, that night - guess where she really was? Yeah. Awesome. Go self-esteem.

 

Which brings me to my long overdue point. After everything that's happened, I still find myself in love with her to this day. She really was everything that I wanted in my life. And while I know that it probably could never work with her again, I can't seem to let go.

 

I honestly don't know how I could possibly feel this strongly about anyone ever again. Now, approaching 30 and starting from scratch, I constantly get the feeling that all the things we wanted and planned for may just not be in my future. Maybe i'm wrong, maybe i'm right. No one can predict their future. But it's scary as hell looking into the unknown, especially after thinking that everything was in place and stable.

 

If you've made it this far - thanks for listening to my crap. The last few days have been damn near unbearable and i'm hoping the great crew here at LS can help - you always have in the past

[MissMoni]

Don't feel bad that you are still having a hard time with this, it has only been 3 months and it was a 6 year relationship!! I am still trying to recover from 1.5 yr relationship and I'm on my 6th month. I know everyone will tell you it takes time, but it also depends on what you DO in that time - I know for me, the first three months were hell because I was trying to be "friends" with him...which to a point I am still trying to do now. Don't feel bad for loving her - it's hard to turn those feelings off. I think that in some cases it is our pride that doesn't want us to let go. It will get easier from here, but only if you allow yourself to find closure. The fact that you still love her is normal, but don't let her know that -- she doesn't deserve it, and it might put her in an awkward position. You never want someone to feel pity for you, believe me..I am only just now beginning to lick my wounds from that.

[broken-and-lost]

hey m8 really sorry for your pain 3-4 months is nothing in terms of getting over it, I'm still in love with my girlfriend even tho i know it's totally over and i have no chance of ever getting her back, i'm going to be 37 this year and i feel the same the things i wanted like family kids my chance could be gone and it hurts like hell and i'm scared to ****, give yourself time i guess you still have time on your side..... no shame in still loving your ex

[JustEmptyInside]

I'm sure that the blow to a dumpee's pride is a big reason for some of ridiculous (read: stupid) stuff that many of us do after a breakup.

 

For me, its also a sense of failure really. I feel like I failed myself - in that I had someone who I felt so strongly about, and despite my best efforts, I let it slip away for good.

 

Add to that the feeling that I failed her. I wanted nothing more than to give her the living, stable, secure life that she always wanted but never had. She was with a POS before me, and a bigger POS now. Watching someone who you love throw everything away for someone so obviously toxic for them is painful in itself.

[broken-and-lost]

I'm sure that the blow to a dumpee's pride is a big reason for some of ridiculous (read: stupid) stuff that many of us do after a breakup.

 

For me, its also a sense of failure really. I feel like I failed myself - in that I had someone who I felt so strongly about, and despite my best efforts, I let it slip away for good.

 

Add to that the feeling that I failed her. I wanted nothing more than to give her the living, stable, secure life that she always wanted but never had. She was with a POS before me, and a bigger POS now. Watching someone who you love throw everything away for someone so obviously toxic for them is painful in itself.

 

It's the worse feeling in the world to watch them slip away when you feel so strongly towards them that's what i'm doing now she is already with someone one else but it's their choice to make and not a lot you can do at this point it sucks it hurts and does not help your healing but somehow we have to live with it and keep moving fella.....