lovnlost Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Here was my post last week on her telling me she is thinking of me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t274166/ Tonight, a week later or so, she fb again saying " I thought we would always have our friendship like we talked about." Really? I mean really? I did not respond to the 1st post last week. And I don't feel I should respond to this. Like I said before...I want to heal....yet I miss her dearly. I think, not totally sure, but I think this is a very selfish comment by her. Then she goes on to say that she is sorry it has ended up this way. Is this placing blame on me somehow? Cause that is the sense I am getting. Like I am the one at fault for breaking up and even more so for not messaging her back after two months no contact and she drops me a line. She is btw back with her ex husband in old house and that jazz. So...I am guessing he doesnt know she is talking to me again...or trying to. So what do you think??? Part of me wants to tell her how crazed she is and messed up she handled everything. But that serves no purpose nor does it benefit me or her in anyway. Thank you SuddenDumppee for that bit in your story. You can all look up my full story if you wish. Its long winded. But I need some honest feed back here. Getting tougher by the day in not saying anything at all as well. I miss her....I still love her. I dont know that even saying hi would do me any good either. I have to provide my own form of closure. Plus, every each time she does this, I want to relapse. Im not over the hurt or loss yet...and clearly she is not either. I am trying though. I got a date with someone new! Just to hang out. I have no expectations nor will I shine her on. SOOOOO.....please advise? Thanks all.
Fufu Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Please stay on to your NC, replying her is just going to make you feel more depressed. If she keeps on messaging you, I will recommend you to block her in your facebook. If she is sincere to be with you again, she will do more and say more directly than "I thought we would always have our friendship like we talked about."
smudge21 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I totally agree with NC, but am concerned that even blocking her on FB will only lead to her contacting you in other ways, maybe even face to face. Therefore my take would be to reply back explaining how you feel and that you're not ready to be friends (or don't even want to be friends). Basically, let it all out and be honest. Make it clear though that your reply isn't expecting a response from her (maybe even say you won't respond if she does) and it is totally a goodbye email. I had to do that to my ex before I went NC as I knew she'd be making contact otherwise, and the temptation to reply would always be there (there was also good chance she'd come see me if she hadn't heard anything). I know every situation is different but I do wonder if your ex will keep making contact and therefore you'll keep feeling this way until you tell her not to anymore. Just my opinion on it.
Chi townD Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Read her sentence, big word in there for you. FRIENDSHIP!!! Translation= breadcrumbs. Look, she's got issues. She back with her Ex and that's HER choice. I feel you have to make choices for yourself. Stay NC and find a girl that doesn't have so much baggage.
Author lovnlost Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 I guess I dont understand the concept of breadcrumbs fully. I know that having experienced what we did and then being "friends" after would be weird especially since she is living back with her ex. Besides, I dont want to or need to be the reliance for her as she has clearly chosen a path. I am bothered that she has even hinted at it truthfully. I dont want to block her on FB because I think it is better to just not show any sign towards her. But, at this point or stage....what does NC continue to do other than let me heal? Does it drive her nuts? Make her think more? What is a woman's perspective here? A close friend of mine mentioned that this would be a good opportunity to tell her precisely "why" we cannot be friends. I don't know that this is a good idea either. Some clarity please? I thought I was so sure, now...I find I am getting a bit more confused. Thank you.
smudge21 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 My ex too went back to her long term on/off boyfriend and we did try to get back to being friends. She was a great friend to begin with and I would love to get back there again. We tried the whole friends thing, and she too would throw out those breadcrumbs; the little things that suggests she is still interested. Whether it be little texts, things she may say to a mutual friend (knowing they'd get back to me), obvious flirting when we'd meet up. It was very much a case of wanting to keep me as more than a friend just in case her LTR didn't work out (again). On my side, I was just trying to see her as a friend, get back to what we had. Sadly I couldn't do it - I still very much had feelings and so had to move on. I deleted all contact and she got in touch to find out why. This is when I had to tell her everything; how I felt, how it hurt to see or hear from her, how I had to go no contact and heal. If I hadn't sent that then there's every chance she'd still be contacting me or I'd be hearing about her, and I'd never be able to heal. Besides, I have no bad feelings for her, we parted as friends and still are. When we said goodbye it was very nice, she clearly understood how I was feeling and respected me enough to give me that space. NC for me wasn't about getting her back, it was about healing. Getting over those feelings so hopefully one day I can see her as a friend (I'm on friendly terms with other ex's with no problems). That's the short version of my story and why I had to say goodbye rather then just vanish from her life. I can see why people do that often (especially if the ex is being nasty), but when it's still polite and friendly, I just think it's better to be honest and say your goodbyes. In my eyes, whether or not I ever see my ex again, I feel good knowing that she knows how much I did (do) truly love her, and how special she is to me. But please remember, I didn't go NC with the idea to get her back. If you go into it with that mindset then you'll just freak out even more expecting her to make contact. Good luck with it, whatever you decide to do.
Rosa Tamora Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Hi Lovnlost I am going through something similar with you: my bf ended things with me after almost 3 years and I have to move out of the condo we've had together for the past 2 years. So I still have to communicate with him, as we take turns to stay the night at the condo etc and have pets together. He ended it with me because of apathy towards the relationship, but then after I didn't write him for a week, he writes and asks how I'm doing. And then a few days after that "I still care about you and just want to know you're ok" Why. Why do they think it's ok to hang around after breaking our hearts? It almost feels like they just want to know we're ok to pad their own feelings and so they feel like less of a jackass for doing what they did. We don't owe them anything anymore, really. You don't have to be unkind to her, but if you continue to let her to this she is just going to keep contacting you and twisting that knife in your side. It doesn't allow you to fully move away from this and heal. It's pretty selfish. After I got that email from my ex I put my foot down and said he is not to talk to me about emotional related stuff until about 3 months from now, and just told him I'm not in a good position to discuss anything right now. Then I proceeded to delete him off Facebook, because you KNOW you're going to go back in tehre and check out what he's been up to. And for what?!! Know where your boundaries lie, and set them up to protect your heart. Heal. They need to respect that! It will also make you stop living in her head, picking apart her every move. Is it worth it? No it isn't.
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