Martin Guerrini Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 This is going to be the third week since she left me with a sincere "I love you". And I am just raining every now and then with the pain in my heart. How can she walk away this way without a trace of pain! I read this old mail from her and couldn't stop the tears from my very soul. This was only 4 months ago! "I keep hearing your voice and piano poudings in my heart. Please look at your schedule so I can run back to your warm embrace. What's the best day? I'm restless for your sweet skin, I smell you in my soul. I'm in need of your breath and whisper, my oxygen." How a love so right can turn out to be so wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
sinkerswim Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 I am sure she feels SOMETHING for you... she has to. I keep thinking the same thing as well...I wonder if he is even thinking of me at all. But you were a big part of her life.. and so its only natural if she has some feelings for you. Its somewhere inside of her. You can be assured of that. I looked at a Valentines Day card from last year from him.. I cried my eyes out when I read it this year. He broke it off with me a week before Valentines Day this year. I wonder how can he give me something that says something so special...and he meant it from his heart... and now he can do this and feel nothing for me? Link to post Share on other sites
hurtingandconfused Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 They lie to themselves. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Give it some time. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 I agree. But.... Does it really matter? It's over. Whether there's still love or not is irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
overseas2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 I could never understand this myself. Since when I loved someone I could never walk away unless I DID NOT LOVE THEM. I don't know what your situation is. My ex walked away saying the same thing. He still calls and comes over wanting to see me. He kisses and hugs me when he comes but now he says he does not love me and the break up is not hard for him. I had to get him out of my life because it was hurting too much? I don't know why... I guess it will always be a mystery. Good luck...it gets better I promise. Sometimes it just takes a while. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 Martin - people write letters like that to movie stars they never met - but if the star turned up in their town and wanted to live with them, they'd change their minds pretty fast. People can get very carried away by fantasies. You were a fantasy to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Martin Guerrini Posted April 7, 2004 Author Share Posted April 7, 2004 Yes, Overseas. I could never understand this. The first week, I practically begged for her return. I asked desperately to have a talk to find a way out (even that is a goodbye). She always replied with a short: "Ok, we will have that but today I am too busy", "I miss you too", etc. After that week, she called me a Monday to say that "I want you to know that I am not avoiding you but I did not have time to assess the situation". Since then, I kept the No Contact Rule hoping that she reconsider her attitude and also for my own peace of mind (each such thing can be achieved under the current situation). Why she is unable to share her feelings and elaborate an end -if necessary- concordant with our once beautiful relationship. I know that some people say that "real reasons" would never make sense to the "dumped" party except for additional pain. I understand their reasonings. However, I keep wondering: why two people who have grown so close must be separated so violently? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Martin Guerrini Posted April 7, 2004 Author Share Posted April 7, 2004 I agree with your fantasy/reality theory. But I want you to know that she has done a lot for almost 2 years. Not only from the distance but also when we got together in 2002 and 2003. I would like to be strong and leave this behind but it is not easy. I spent with her the most romantic and erotic moments of my life. The problem is that she pulled out from our (yes it was a collective decision after several long and serious conversations) project with an incomprehensible violence. Maybe she was afraid or maybe she has a problem to commit herself to a relationship. This letter was only one of 4000 emails/200 letters/30 movies/500 CDs/30 books/100 presents we have exchanged. We even made a record and a video of our story. I am devastated and in need of some love and mercy. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 It's terrible and I do feel sorry for you but I don't think you'll help yourself by trying to figure out the whys of it. The vast majority of your relationship was conducted at a distance; another several thousand letters, etc. wouldn't make up for the lack of continuous companionship which you would have needed to cement the deal (or see how she would behave in long-term close contact). Some people you encounter online at a distance are perfectly reasonable, normal people. Others are far from it. Unfortunately, you landed on a bad deal. It's nothing about you and it's not worth looking for causes. In the end, as with so many relationships, it just comes down to a question of having made a bad choice. Of course it hurts like hell; you had your future built on her. Now everything you hoped for is dust. I know how that feels - but the sooner you acknowledge that you are likely better off without her and work towards moving on, the sooner you will be able to feel happiness again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Martin Guerrini Posted April 9, 2004 Author Share Posted April 9, 2004 I am feeling like hell keeping this "No Contact Rule". I miss her so much... Just one word from her heart would bring me so much relief. One part of me says: "this is not how I am... I should either pursue her answers or make a friendly closure". This morning I wrote these lines for her. I am not sure whether to send it to her or not, neither I know when.... "I hope you are feeling great and enjoying this blooming springtime. It feels so great to see the chipmunks again running through the trees and to look upon the big moon at night breathing the perfect breeze of nocturne. Maybe you are right. Love could have been an unrealistic approach for us. I am so sorry that in the course of the time my efforts to make it work ended up being a heavy burden on you. I always wanted to give you the best of me and I apologize if I failed. I guess we need to put all that behind and only keep the loving memory of the dream we shared, and be grateful for what we had. I am writing this letter because I want you to know that I still care for you as a friend, I really do. Please know that whenever you need a friendly shelter I will always be there for you. Love, forgiveness, and friendship". On a different subject, I have a question: What HS and LOL mean? Sorry I am a foreigner. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Martin, I feel your pain. I've been through it. Before I moved out of the desecrated marital home after a seven-year marriage, I was cleaning out a drawer and found a stack of card from Valentine's Days, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. from TBXW. All of them full of mushy sentiment, talking about how we were "soulmates" or how much she loved me, how she loved being married to me, etc. Turns out, it was pretty much all lies, as I'd only found out three months earlier. She'd been miserable through the whole time and had had several affairs. It hurt, no doubt about it. I don't totally understand how somebody can profess complete and undying love for seven years but secretly not mean it. I guess it takes a f*cked up personality or something. It hurts. But in time, you will get past it. Seek answers if you wish, but don't rely on those answers in order to be happy, because chances are you won't get them. It'll take little steps but you'll have to move on. Good luck brother... Link to post Share on other sites
Dixiecron Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Martin, From your posts I take it that you're a musician? I have some old recordings of myself that I made about 8 years ago shortly after my first love left me. I used to pick up the guitar instead of call and beg her. I still drag those tapes out every now and then and am amazed at the stuff I came up with. Got a 4 track or an 8 track? Maybe you can add something to add to your record. Some songs end on a down note. Think of this as an adagio in your life. The allegro is yet to come, but you have to finish this part first. HS = High School? LOL = Laughing Out Loud Link to post Share on other sites
Author Martin Guerrini Posted April 9, 2004 Author Share Posted April 9, 2004 Reserv, Thank you for your advice. Yes it is damn hard all this and every now and then I feel a terrible impulse to pick up the phone and then I say "she stopped this not me". But in any case I would like to finish all this with forgiveness and understanding. I guess I am not ready yet since I still miss her every little detail day and night. I feel so sorry about your wound... I cannot believe how people can be so untrue. Do you have kids with her too? You are in my prayer brother. Dixie, I left an 8 track at my home in Madrid but I do have a guitar with me in D.C. Last night I spent hours playing "Old Love" and "Bad Love" of Clapton. "I can feel your body when I lay on my bad, it's too much confusion... oh old love please let me be alone" ; "had enough bad love", etc. Thanks for your inspiration and notes on LOL and HS. What do you think of the letter that I wrote this morning? Peace of mind! M. Link to post Share on other sites
Dixiecron Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Regarding your letter: I'm from the school of thought that says that in order to get over the loss of a relationship, you must first go through a place in your heart where you want to kill every cute little chipmunk that you see, set fire to all the spring flowers, and watch the moon crash into the earth and destroy life as we know it. But maybe that's just me That being said, I would take that letter, put it away with the rest of her letters, and then when the time is right use the whole damn pile to start the grill and cook some steaks. Take all those things you're feeling and put them into the guitar. The next woman will drool over the songs that you come up with now. If you don't already know any flamenco (being from Spain and all) I would suggest learning a soleares. Works every time, both for your heart, and for the next love. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Martin... yes, I have kids with the woman. As much as I feel like she wasted my time, it's not as though I can simply wish I'd never married her, because then I wouldn't have them, and I'd never give them up. But, in all other ways, I do wish that. We broke up very briefly about a year before we got married (at her instigation) but got back together, and she's said in the last number of months that we should have stayed broken up. I agree. Sometimes I wonder what directions my life would have taken had we simply parted then. Who knows, we'd probably be friends now, happily involved with other people. Instead I'm stuck with poisoned memories of a happy married life with her that was really just an illusion. She's also said that she wishes she could have kept faking happiness for my benefit, instead of ending the marriage. Thank God she didn't do that -- as it stands I'm only 32, and there's lots of time to start again and find somebody better, who actually has a conscience and a sense of morality. Some people get a "starter home". I got a "starter marriage". The next one will be better. Onward and upward... Link to post Share on other sites
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