I'm a failure...

[MissMoni]

So after telling my ex (6 months now) I needed distance, and going NC for 56 days...I broke it today to send him (and some other friends) the link to a video I thought he would find funny. I felt fine sending it, and he actually responded (which I think was probably because it was group email), but now I feel kind of stupid for even sending it as my close friends were asking me, "Why was so and so included in the thread?" ...I thought I was ready to try being friends but even now after 6 months and knowing for a fact we weren't right for eachother..a part of me really wishes that he would try to reach out to me in a way, and misses the old times. And now I just feel really dumb for opening myself back up again. It's like I keep finding new ways to hurt myself.

 

I went 56 days..and now I feel like that was all for nothing. I feel like a failure, like I can't even keep 60 days of NC. We're still not FB friends and I feel like everyday he is forgetting more of me while I am still stuck in this limbo of getting better and missing him. -_-

[PelicanPete]

Don't beat yourself up over it Moni. People struggle with NC and sometimes break it by accident. 50+ days straight is something to be proud of

 

Best thing to do is to push on with NC. Think of it as a speed bump, it slowed you down a little but you're still pushing forward. However speed bumps are on the road for a reason, maybe its time to slow down and evaluate where you stand and what your goals are from this. He isn't reaching out to you probably because he respects you, you after all requested distance. If you don't mind me asking, why were you two not right for each other as a couple? You seem to really want him in your life.

[MissMoni]

Thank you, PelicanPete. It was very difficult, and the only other time I "slipped up" was when he wished me a happy birthday in a text message. I do agree that there really is nothing else to do besides not contacting him. I figure that if he ever wants to talk, he will. The problem is, since I've told him I need distance, that I think he will never talk to me again. The last time we talked on the phone when I explained I couldn't be his friend right now, he ended the conversation with, "Well I guess I'll talk to you whenever", which he quickly covered up with a "Talk to you later".

 

I feel like I have had so many speed bumps in this journey that I should know better. I am stuck in a limbo where I am happy not knowing what is going on in his life and how happy without me he is (selfish, I know), and wanting to at least be a part of his life again. We weren't right together because we had issues communicating -- I was very emotional and often cried when we had arguments, which I think he thought was manipulating. That, and I was the first to say "I love you" - our relationship lasted exactly a year after that moment (It was only 18 months). He thought that neither one of us could know what love was because it was our first relationship, and that I was premature in saying it, so I feel like I spent the majority of the relationship trying to make him love me. He ultimately broke up with me because although we "had good times" he said that maybe all we were meant to be was friends, and that we fought too much. It was also a long distance relationship, as he graduated from college one year before me. I really do want him in my life, but right now I am confused as to whether that is because I love him, I feel rejected, or I want to somehow make him upset that he's missing out on me...this is all very convoluted, I know. I keep finding myself jealous of the friendships he has with our mutual friends, which was a problem in our relationship as well -- I felt like he cared about them more than me.

[MissMoni]

I guess I am hinging on the fact that he said he wanted to be friends when we broke up, and even when I told him I needed space he said, "As your friend, I need to understand that"...my friends all say that that's just something you say when you break up with someone and I shouldn't read too much into it. But something in me asks, why would he lie? I thought I knew him better than that and I know people have the right to change their mind...but I have been respectful throughout this whole thing, I think the only thing I "did" to him throughout this entire breakup was to delete him from Facebook, which he was very upset about (even though we hadn't talked in weeks). I just wish he would either tell me he wanted to be friends or tell me he didn't. At least then I could pick up my pride and just leave him alone. I hate that it ended this way because I really did love him. And I hate that that means nothing to him.

[PelicanPete]

It sounds like if anything he doesn't deserve you. Maybe he thought you saying that you loved him after 6 months was premature because he didn't know how to react. He may have been treating a first relationship, as a "first relationship" if you know what I mean. It sounds like he got cold feet when things got serious, maybe he isn't looking for a real long term relationship right now and things were becoming that.

 

He probably isn't as phased by this as you because you invested so much more in it. You were the one getting emotional, you were the one who told him that you loved him, your the one needing distance because you have feelings for him. Actions speak louder than words. He didn't put much in so he's not feeling that much now. Don't think of that as him better off, it just shows you treated the relationship as a relationship.

 

I think you want to continue to have him in your life because of all three of those things you listed. Don't worry though, it will all start to become clearer the more you just open your mind to it and reflect. Don't feel bad that he is "better off" at the moment, he really isn't. It is better to know you did everything you could and feel that pain, then the dull ache knowing a lack of effort and selfishness.

 

I have this thread subscribed so if you need advice or opinions or help don't hesitate . It is always better to have loved then to have never loved at all.

[9Lives]

not contacting someon you care about is very hard. dont be mean to yourself about it. this should make you see even more that he dont want to be together cause he didnt say anything about being with you. So just keep going and leave it alone.

[dreamingoftigers]

56 days and you failed???LOL:laugh:

 

My husband failed at Day One while he is in treatment.

 

Get up and start over

 

Failing does not make you a "failure" by the way.

[Fufu]

oh sweet, you are not a failure. As long as you stand up and start your NC all over again, you are always a winner. Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

I failed NC like 3 times and I am in the midst of it and sometimes I do have relapse and felt like breaking it. I have to go NO NO NO NO NO BREAKING NC.

[dreamingoftigers]

oh sweet, you are not a failure. As long as you stand up and start your NC all over again, you are always a winner. Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

I failed NC like 3 times and I am in the midst of it and sometimes I do have relapse and felt like breaking it. I have to go NO NO NO NO NO BREAKING NC.

 

You are such an excellent support on here!

[smudge21]

Right now I'm am just dying to know about my ex and find out what she's doing, but I know the results will hurt. Memory of that pain stops me breaking NC and you have to focus on how you feel when you too break NC.

 

It is so very wierd - any other pain we'd be doing anything we could to get away from it, but with emotional pain we seem to make it worse for ourselves. Maybe following a break up we feel it's the only way to keep the ex in our hearts and minds by allowing this pain in. I don't know, I far too confused to really understand why I want to know anything about my ex.

 

As for being a failure... success is 99% failure... get back to NC and carry on. The only person who thinks you've failed is you, so stop it.

[Fufu]

You are such an excellent support on here!

 

Thank you We are all here for one another ^_^

[radiodarcy]

don't worry about it. we've all been there. i am at 43 days NC. and this is after i broke NC back in feb and responded to his crumbs.

 

i was feeling great last week; i barely thought about him. but these past couple of days, i've been missing him. it's all i can do to keep myself from reaching out and contacting him. even if it's through a forward or a text. but i'm pretty sure he's seeing someone right now. and besides, i've contacted him enough times before to know that not only am i not going to get the response i hoped for but i'm only going to feel worse after the fact.

 

but i think from time to time we need to give into those urges to break NC so we can be reminded of what it feels like. and why it's in our best interest to stay away. 56 days at NC is great though! just climb back on the horse and carry on -- you'll be fine

[MissMoni]

Thanks for all of the support, guys. This isn't the first time I've broken NC, but this is by far the longest I have gone - all the other times were just for one month, and this was just under 2 months. Each time, it hurts remembering what I used to have with him, so it would make sense for me to just cut it off cold turkey. Fufu, you are very kind. I have prayed about this and I am afraid to get back on the horse but what do I have to lose? After all, it's not like I did anything crazy like confess my undying love. I know he's bad for me, yet I still want to prove to myself and him that I can be mature enough to be friends?

[Fufu]

Thanks for all of the support, guys. This isn't the first time I've broken NC, but this is by far the longest I have gone - all the other times were just for one month, and this was just under 2 months. Each time, it hurts remembering what I used to have with him, so it would make sense for me to just cut it off cold turkey. Fufu, you are very kind. I have prayed about this and I am afraid to get back on the horse but what do I have to lose? After all, it's not like I did anything crazy like confess my undying love. I know he's bad for me, yet I still want to prove to myself and him that I can be mature enough to be friends?

 

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is so treat yourself well

You don't have to prove to him anymore, he chose to leave.

 

Personally, I felt that at this moment you are still not ready to be friends with him. It's not about maturity, it's never about it in this situation.

 

If being friends with him and you still have strong feelings for him, this will not be the kind of friendship you are looking for.

 

When you have completely move on, by then you will be able to think logically whether you still want him as a friend or not.

[MissMoni]

You are right Fufu. I could feel myself getting so much better, so I was wondering, maybe I can try the friends thing again? But I see that I still get emotional and it's been 6 months, how pitiful. How do you know you are truly ready to be friends when your mind keeps tricking you into thinking you are over them?

[Fufu]

As long as you have romantic feelings for your ex, you are not ready to be friends with him.

[yolatanga]

Don't feel bad. My bf (emotionally abusive) of 8 yrs and I broke about 6 mos ago. It was a violent end. I've been a mess since and broke that NC so many times. It was as if I was punishing myself. Well he wasn't perfect either. He would only e-mail me and do nice things for me. When he saw in public it was if I had the plaque. That would piss me off and make me feel horrible at the same time. Well you know what? I finally had it the other day when he acted poorly again. He was talking about me to some ugly chick who was flirting with him. She kept looking at me and laughing. Are you kidding me? When I got up to leave, I walked right over to them and said to her "I'd head for the hills if I were you, he's a violent abusive p*rick" and walked out. I feel so much better. I haven't cried and have no desire to speak to that 61 yr old child again. It's a miracle. I can't believe how much time I wasted on such a jerk who didn't dererve me. Sorry didn't mean to high jack your thread. Just be happy you didn't lower yourself like I did.

[MissMoni]

Thanks guys. I am dusting myself off and just continuing with NC. Again. I have lost track of how many real times I have tried NC, but I see that there's really no point to trying to reach out to someone who probably could care less. It hurts. I graduate next month and I always thought he and I would be together for this moment. But I will make it through!

[Fufu]

Thanks guys. I am dusting myself off and just continuing with NC. Again. I have lost track of how many real times I have tried NC, but I see that there's really no point to trying to reach out to someone who probably could care less. It hurts. I graduate next month and I always thought he and I would be together for this moment. But I will make it through!

 

Woo hoo, I am so happy for you

Those broken NCs were all past, you don't have to dwell over them anymore.

 

Congratulations for your graduation. You will definitely make it through, no doubt about it. Have faith and belief in yourself.

[MissMoni]

Thank you Fufu! I just want to say all of you have been such a great help on this board, it's great we can all help eachother. I wish I had joined earlier! I am using this time to concentrate on finishing strong - I am almost down with my undergraduate degree!! YAY! And one day we will all look back at this board and laugh...while we sit with the person that God meant for us to have in our lives

[Fufu]

You are most welcome

 

I'm grateful to this community as well, after my ex left me, coming over here makes me realize that I should love myself even more.

 

while we sit with the person that God meant for us to have in our lives

 

I'm looking forward to this too