fooled once Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Fooled once you don't read so you don't have true info. Half the things you write is just to vomit your senselessness. So if you have nothing supportive to stay then stay off my posts. I find you juvenile and make too much shat up. First of all HE HAS ALREADY LEFT, he doesn't live with her. READ! I'm going to do as I please. I have some supportive and great advice without yours so please put me on delete or ignore. You annoy me and others as I've seen. Toodles. :laugh::laugh: he hasn't left. He is still married and told you he was staying with his wife. I read well, very well thank you very much! If you have an issue, put me on ignore! Good luck. I have a feeling you are going to be on a very bumpy ride. Have a wonderful night!!!
whichwayisup Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I don't want to do too much NC. Maybe it's the selfish part in me but I'm happy when I see him, when I see his smile or hear him laugh. It will just be limited:love: For a high..But then the low hits? I think the bolded are pretty much contradictions. Typo's.......
daisy love Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I don't want to do too much NC. Maybe it's the selfish part in me but I'm happy when I see him, when I see his smile or hear him laugh. It will just be limited:love: If you don't want to go NC, don't. I don't get going NC with someone you love. It won't work! You will only long for him! You know what you have, no one here does. If you ultimately need to let go, you will know when. Do things at YOUR OWN PACE! Big HUGS! ((((((IRISH))))))
JadedAmore Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 (edited) He is only going to leave if you are there waiting for him. You do know this, right? If you had said I do love you but I don't know what our future holds, he wouldn't be leaving his wife. Also, he should not be making plans for the future, saying he'll marry you! He isn't even separated, moved out or divorced yet! he is reacting and acting out of desparation and affair withdrawal feelings. NC until he is divorced and had time alone to adjust and do some counselling to work on himself. THEN you date him, get out of the affair dynamic completely and start over, with a clean slate and do it right. Right now he'll just keep on seeing you if you let him, and the A will continue, he'll slow things down at home and just be having an affair again. I agree with the bolded whole heartedly. xMM at one point of our R told me he was ready to file for divorce and was going to leave his wife. I asked him to think hard before answering, and asked "Would you be making the same decision if I weren't in the picture?" He couldn't give me a straight answer. Several things ran through my head... Was I just another option? Is he just that terrified to be alone? Is this a trend he'd repeat if we had our own R with no BS involved? Worse.. would I become the BS? I am nearly 2 months NC now, and I'm fairly certain he went back to his wife or is working on getting back with his wife. This answered my question. I don't know you or your story as well, but why is the marriage "over" ? Is it really him thats checked out, or her as well? Point is, marriages unfortunately end for a lot of reasons. If it's found to be something the BS did to trigger the split (or the A the WS is currently in), ask yourself if it's a problem that could possibly arise in the future with you in those same shoes. If so, it could very possibly be him that's the problem, is that something you're willing to take onto your shoulders? Is that something you'd worry about? Best of luck! Edited April 21, 2011 by JadedAmore
Flabbergaster Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I don't want to do too much NC. LOL reminds me of the joke about being "only a little bit pregnant." "Well, we were only going to put the tip in." I do know he really loves me. He screwed up his entire life for me. Uh...show of hands, how many of us in an A screwed up our entire life? Oh wait, all of you have your hands up?? He said he will do something very soon. I'm going to see him a few more times and then do the NC. Here's how I would approve: -you only meet in public places, with other people around (no "empty" public places) -you do NOT go to private places -in case it isn't clear, this means no sex. Maybe first base, nothing further. -no oral sex either -no undying love promises; avoid "forever" statements like death Break any of these rules, you are mistress again and he won't leave her. FYI the way I would do what he is doing...show up (public place) ask her if she can wait till i get the D...and tell her NONE of the above rules would be broken until I get it. xMM at one point of our R told me he was ready to file for divorce and was going to leave his wife. I asked him to think hard before answering, and asked "Would you be making the same decision if I weren't in the picture?" ...[snip] I'm fairly certain he went back to his wife or is working on getting back with his wife. This answered my question. Now i think for some, the answer would be, "I wouldn't be READY to leave if it wasn't for you, but that doesn't mean I would only leave IF you catch me." For others following Jaded's VERY GOOD move, I would suggest a followup question to what she asked. Ask them if they are willing to go through with the divorce, if there's no guarantee that you will be there when you finish, if you aren't promising to wait. I think that some WOULD go through with it on the possibility that you will be there. Point is, marriages unfortunately end for a lot of reasons. If it's found to be something the BS did to trigger the split (or the A the WS is currently in), ask yourself if it's a problem that could possibly arise in the future with you in those same shoes. If so, it could very possibly be him that's the problem, is that something you're willing to take onto your shoulders? Oh...Jaded...you cut me to the quick, there. Yeah...you KNEW this was something I needed to hear, and think about with myself in his shoes.
Quiet Storm Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 After all the contradictions, you are foolish to believe him now. You are setting yourself up for more hurt. You are teaching him that he can hurt you, say mean things, and all he has to do is throw a few sweet words your way and all is forgiven. His smell...his arms...so powerful that you lose all common sense. You are stronger than this. If he does leave his wife, it will just be a matter of time before you are playing the BS role. He is grooming you for that right now, by giving you the ups and downs, the highs and lows...taking his love away, giving it back. You are like a lab rat in an experiment, purposely deprived and then OH SO HAPPY to get crumbs. That dopamine high...you may think it's love, but it's all chemicals. If dude does leave his wife, you will not be a winner. Unless you like the booby prize. An indecisive and weak man, that knows how to play a vulnerable woman. Just what every girl wants. He saying what he has to say to keep you from dating. He doesn't want to share his toy. He doesn't want you see what else is out there, because then you will realize how little he has to offer. Many MM pull out all the stops when their OW threatens seeing other men. But you do realize, that jealousy does not equal love. It means control. He wants to have control over you, keep you all to himself... but on his terms. He will tell you what you need to hear to keep you where he wants you. When you act loving, when you are enjoying the attention, he will begin to back off again because it was all a ploy...to keep you where he wants you to be- there for him, waiting. He wants you to be there when he has time to spare, when he needs an ego boost, when he needs a break from the reality of his REAL life. You are better than this. You logically know it, but your heart and hormones are swooning over emtpy words, his smell and his arms. Rise above that, and think about all the other men out there, that smell good and have nice arms, but actually MEAN what they say. You are never going to meet them if you are too busy mulling over the words of a selfish cheater. But we all know you will do what you really want to do. These words will fall on deaf ears, because you aren't ready to let go. Your hope is just too strong. You are afraid if you let go, you will be losing out on the love of your life. Eventually, you will begin to look at him objectively and realize that even if you DO get this man...he is not the man you dreamed him up to be. He is broken, and would not make a good partner, as his wife has figured out. After a few more rounds of this you will slowly begin to realize that you are worth more.
jj33 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I don't want to do too much NC. Maybe it's the selfish part in me but I'm happy when I see him, when I see his smile or hear him laugh. It will just be limited:love: Irish I hope you are OK. I am of mixed minds in responding to your post. On the one hand noone wants to see you hurt. On the other hand we on an anonymous forum have no idea what exactly is going on and whether this is a game as Quiet Storm said or whether its just the ups an downs and emotions that people grapple with as they are deciding what to do. You sound really switched on and whichever way it goes you will deal with it. I agree with you about not going full NC. It never made sense to me that you would say I want to marry you but while you go through a huge emotional experience you are on your own pal because I dont want to get my hands dirty, but yeah I want to spend my life with you.... As an aside it does work out. FO made references to an OW who used to be on this board who has young children and how sad it is. Not so sad for her actually. Her sweetheart left and is living with her and the children full time now and is taking them all to Greece after school ends this summer to celebrate their new life together. So while every situation is different, it can work out and this woman didnt go NC either.
Author Irishlove Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 It is all so confusing but I'm not consumed this go around. My life goes on. Whatever he wants he needs to make that move. Thank you for your response.
Author Irishlove Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Hmmm... One would think if this were true there would be SOME kind of change to social networking sites. A new pic of them together rather than an old one taken alone and back in what appears to be slimmer days. Perhaps I'm thinking of a different person. ????
jj33 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 It is all so confusing but I'm not consumed this go around. My life goes on. Whatever he wants he needs to make that move. Thank you for your response. It is confusing and it does get easier to detach over time but it leaves a mark on your heart that takes time to heal. Several years later I am now able to be in touch with him and it doesnt bother me but it took a long time. Hang in there and have a happy Easter.
Silly_Girl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Yep Yep Yep Yep Yep Irish, do you not feel ridiculous writing your other posts about how DONE you are and how you are FINISHED with him...and then come and write "I saw him, he loves me, he is going to do something sometime so I am going to wait". Really? Since you are accepting being his mistress, then you don't get to complain when you remain his mistress. How ridiculous for you two to even MENTION marriage when he is MARRIED and NOT leaving! He told you all sorts of nasty things... a week ago? How you ruined his life, how he hated you, blah blah blah. And you fall right back into his arms, because "you love him". Well, that is not how 2 people who claim to love each other treat each other. He wouldn't expect you to be his mistress and he would be jumping through HOOPS to be with you; not telling you his wife is THINKING of something. What a stupid thing for him to say "his wife knows when he is thinking of me". How ridiculous because it cannot be PROVE, it is lip service to keep you as an option. Either date others or don't - but telling him "I'm dating others and I know I am going to get snatched up by one of them" is game playing big time. Good luck. I see you back here in a week or two complaining about how he blew you off for his wife, how he isn't leaving, he is waiting for her to leave, blah blah blah. Either end it and be done with it or embrace being the OW. Irish, after FO was done giving out gold stars she talked about you possibly feeling ridiculous. I completely see why she's saying that BUT please, please, please don't ever feel like you can't come here and backpedal on something. You can change your stance here often as you like. It's a SUPPORT forum so this is the one place you SHOULD be able to prevaricate, think aloud and maybe say things that don't make much sense. Don't ever feel foolish.
Author Irishlove Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Irish, after FO was done giving out gold stars she talked about you possibly feeling ridiculous. I completely see why she's saying that BUT please, please, please don't ever feel like you can't come here and backpedal on something. You can change your stance here often as you like. It's a SUPPORT forum so this is the one place you SHOULD be able to prevaricate, think aloud and maybe say things that don't make much sense. Don't ever feel foolish. lol Yes I guess I did change my feelings. That's part of this craziness. I've never been in this situation before. It's odd because I could dislike him one day and then two days later, I'll miss something. I never feel ridiculous though. Everything is a learning process. What fun would life be if everything was predictable? I'm just sitting back and waiting to see what happens and still going on with my life. Thanks for your support Silly girl
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