Irishlove Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I really thought I could. Dangit he says the right things. He can tell I'm not playing around. I asked if he would have signed the divorce papers and he said he didn't care one way or the other because if he wanted to marry her later he could. Which is true. He wanted to know if I still loved him. I said of course I do but you have someone to be with and I have no one. I let him know I have guys pursueing me and I'm not ready yet. Which is the truth. I did agree to see him tomorrow. We will talk more. He knows I'm not going to hang on another few months. His last questions were "do you love me and want to see me" and I said "if there is anything in your mind that you might stay with your wife then you need to leave me alone" He says his wife is getting sick of it, probably the same way I am. He's worried about his friends and family. I told him all of my friends don't want me with him because he hurts me. He says "I bet" I might still see him and still go on dates and not keep him my only option. He goes on and lives his life and doesn't give a crap that I'm crying my eyes out feeling foolish. But the fact is...I do love him, I do want him, I can't help but to think that there might be a chance. I don't call him, he calls me. I'm not chasing him so if he wants me he has better make a choice because he knows he is losing me fast. He's never heard me talk like this. I'm very strong and there is no begging and no crying and no talking him into anything. Just that if I'm what he wants he should get it before someone else does. I'm just telling the truth.
freestyle Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 It's always best to rip the band-aid off quickly. Why prolong the agony?
Author Irishlove Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 But there's that part of me that misses smelling him and feeling his arms around me. I want all the good things. Its the getting hurt I hate. I told him to see a therapist
siuys Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 But there's that part of me that misses smelling him and feeling his arms around me. I want all the good things. Its the getting hurt I hate. I told him to see a therapist I agree. Rip the band-aid. Although it doesn't sound like you're ready. Smelling him and feeling his arms around you - these are surface things. What about integrity, truth, courage to do the right thing by you or his wife? Don't know your story but doesn't sound like he wants to commit. Sure, he wants to see you and all that, but that doesn't mean he wants to commit or have an open and honest relationship with you... you have a choice. But I have a feeling you are not ready to make that choice...
Author Irishlove Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 I agree. Rip the band-aid. Although it doesn't sound like you're ready. Smelling him and feeling his arms around you - these are surface things. What about integrity, truth, courage to do the right thing by you or his wife? Don't know your story but doesn't sound like he wants to commit. Sure, he wants to see you and all that, but that doesn't mean he wants to commit or have an open and honest relationship with you... you have a choice. But I have a feeling you are not ready to make that choice... He does need to make that choice and he made it to be with her. Then calls me and says he cant do it. I'm at a loss. Do I love him and make the choice harder or do I walk away? How will he ever know. He sounds so confused.
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 He does need to make that choice and he made it to be with her. Then calls me and says he cant do it. I'm at a loss. Do I love him and make the choice harder or do I walk away? How will he ever know. He sounds so confused. Be strong and do NC. He chose his wife. Forget what he tells you, words mean nothing. His actions, him still being at home are showing you that he is still married. He is, just like you, going through withdrawal. I wish you'd focus on you instead of him. Detach and let go. Post here when you feel like calling him or if he contacts you, post here instead of replying to him.
TurboGirl Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Irish, how many times have you guys played this game? Aren't you tired of the drama and the pain? Come on now. Yeah, you love him, get it, understand... but back/forth & all around, it is craziness. I think you are addicted to this guy and the drama. It's all an adrenlin rush. Break up/make up. This guy is not worth it, Irish! He's sucking the like & vitality out of you. There are other single guys out there. Give yourself a chance and go NC with this guy for 30 days. See if you can do it!
Flabbergaster Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 He does need to make that choice and he made it to be with her. Then calls me and says he cant do it. I'm at a loss. Do I love him and make the choice harder or do I walk away? How will he ever know. He sounds so confused. Irish sweetie You gotta go. Take your pride back, walk away. Please. Here's what I can tell you...the moment you leave, he will start to want you. Will it be enough to want you back as a MISTRESS? Yes, oh god yes. Wow I'd love to have her back. Even just 'as a friend' and we all know there is no such thing. This is why he's calling you. Will it be enough to leave his wife? Uh, um...did you see the score from the game? Uh, let me check the weather for the week. Well, that's close enough, right? What was the question? (get the point? if you come back, he's not tlaking about that...cause he doesn't need to). I miss her. I understand him...because somedays I still feel like I can't do this without her. If she posts here...because i love(d) her...I BEG you to tell her the same thing I'm going to tell you: "Tell him you're not going to date him, or be in LC with him, until he's resolved this. You've been in to much pain already. Tell him he is welcome to get a D and look you up, but that you aren't waiting for that any longer. Then, and this is the hard part, walk away until he is divorced, with papers, and a therapist. If he shows up in that condition and you're still single...accept him. If he doesn't...move on. If you meet a great guy before he shows up...don't wait for him any longer." He is choosing her. That trumps your love for him, I'm sorry. Whatever his reasons, he didn't leave her for you. It doesn't matter that he might have wanted to...he didn't. If he wants to leave her 'for him,' now that he realizes how unhappy he is, then he can do that> He can look you up, afterwards. You are not obligated to wait at all for him. BTW I've seen a few A's here on LS that became R's, when they played out this way. Also...i can tell you from personal experience that he will only want you more once you're gone, which will increase your chances of winning him. Date him during htis indecision? Oh HELL no. You've already been there, done that. No no no, he'll NEVER leave her if you do that.
carrie999 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Oh, Irish, I really feel for you and wish I could somehow help. I'm basing my response on your reaction to yet another hard situation: he's been up and down and constantly changing. I'm not leaving MM yet because he went through that and is currently committed to ending his marriage and being with me. I won't be surprised if a few months from now, he starts waffling like your MM is. If that happens, that (to me) is when I initiate NC completely. When there is a question between staying married and leaving (regardless of pursuing the AP), I'm done until there is an answer. I would tell him to contact you when he's ready to pursue you with no other questions looming in the back of his mind. And remind him that he'll be very lucky if you haven't moved on by then.
Author Irishlove Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 I spoke with him today face to face. He says there is no use because he can not go without me. His wife knows when he is thinking of me. He said she is already packing things up and talking about what they are going to split. I let him know that if it's her that gets the divorce then I'll feel like second choice. I told him my feelings were he needs to own up to it and tell her the truth. The marriage was broken before I came alone. I told him if he divorced her he didn't have to marry me right away and he said no way, if I get divorced you are the one I want and we will be married. I also said I'm not waiting this one out. I have friend setting me up on dates. It's not like before when I sat at home. And it's true. I have one guy I used to date who is dead serious about me and my children moving into his house and making a full commitment with me. My MM has no clue how close he is to losing me for good. He grabbed my face softly and was dead serious and said "do you REALLY love me and I mean REALLY love me?" and I said "with every part of who I am I do". I believe he is going to end it. He's not acting like he was before. There is no hiding. Things are going to go one way or the other soon.
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I spoke with him today face to face. He says there is no use because he can not go without me. His wife knows when he is thinking of me. He said she is already packing things up and talking about what they are going to split. I let him know that if it's her that gets the divorce then I'll feel like second choice. I told him my feelings were he needs to own up to it and tell her the truth. The marriage was broken before I came alone. I told him if he divorced her he didn't have to marry me right away and he said no way, if I get divorced you are the one I want and we will be married. I also said I'm not waiting this one out. I have friend setting me up on dates. It's not like before when I sat at home. And it's true. I have one guy I used to date who is dead serious about me and my children moving into his house and making a full commitment with me. My MM has no clue how close he is to losing me for good. He grabbed my face softly and was dead serious and said "do you REALLY love me and I mean REALLY love me?" and I said "with every part of who I am I do". I believe he is going to end it. He's not acting like he was before. There is no hiding. Things are going to go one way or the other soon. He is only going to leave if you are there waiting for him. You do know this, right? If you had said I do love you but I don't know what our future holds, he wouldn't be leaving his wife. Also, he should not be making plans for the future, saying he'll marry you! He isn't even separated, moved out or divorced yet! he is reacting and acting out of desparation and affair withdrawal feelings. NC until he is divorced and had time alone to adjust and do some counselling to work on himself. THEN you date him, get out of the affair dynamic completely and start over, with a clean slate and do it right. Right now he'll just keep on seeing you if you let him, and the A will continue, he'll slow things down at home and just be having an affair again.
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Go back and re-read all your other posts. See how one minute he says this, then the next that. He's up and down, changing his mind. Sorry to say this, but you'll be foolish to trust him and what he feels right now. He doesn't know and he will go wherever the wind blows.....Tomorrow, next week, he could change his mind again and want to try to work things out with his wife.
Author Irishlove Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 He is only going to leave if you are there waiting for him. You do know this, right? If you had said I do love you but I don't know what our future holds, he wouldn't be leaving his wife. Also, he should not be making plans for the future, saying he'll marry you! He isn't even separated, moved out or divorced yet! he is reacting and acting out of desparation and affair withdrawal feelings. NC until he is divorced and had time alone to adjust and do some counselling to work on himself. THEN you date him, get out of the affair dynamic completely and start over, with a clean slate and do it right. Right now he'll just keep on seeing you if you let him, and the A will continue, he'll slow things down at home and just be having an affair again. ok. That sounds like a plan and makes sense
Author Irishlove Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Go back and re-read all your other posts. See how one minute he says this, then the next that. He's up and down, changing his mind. Sorry to say this, but you'll be foolish to trust him and what he feels right now. He doesn't know and he will go wherever the wind blows.....Tomorrow, next week, he could change his mind again and want to try to work things out with his wife. Your right again. He is back and forth and I fall for it. I never mentioned dating other guys and this time I did and talked about moving on with my life. Before I would say "I'll wait forever...blah blah blah" I'm not at his every beckon call. See! This is why I need you.
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Doing NC for yourself will give YOU clarity of this situation.. Once you can detach from him abit more you'll see things abit more ojectively.
Author Irishlove Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Doing NC for yourself will give YOU clarity of this situation.. Once you can detach from him abit more you'll see things abit more ojectively. I don't want to do too much NC. Maybe it's the selfish part in me but I'm happy when I see him, when I see his smile or hear him laugh. It will just be limited:love:
TigerCub Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 "Tell him you're not going to date him, or be in LC with him, until he's resolved this. You've been in to much pain already. Tell him he is welcome to get a D and look you up, but that you aren't waiting for that any longer. Then, and this is the hard part, walk away until he is divorced, with papers, and a therapist. If he shows up in that condition and you're still single...accept him. If he doesn't...move on. If you meet a great guy before he shows up...don't wait for him any longer." He is choosing her. That trumps your love for him, I'm sorry. Whatever his reasons, he didn't leave her for you. It doesn't matter that he might have wanted to...he didn't. If he wants to leave her 'for him,' now that he realizes how unhappy he is, then he can do that> He can look you up, afterwards. You are not obligated to wait at all for him. Fantastic Post Flabbergaster!! Irish, I understand your pain. I truly do. I understand feeling somewhat guilty for walking away from someone you love. (At times I felt so bad about doing that because xMM had major abandonment issues). I remember I used to always think to myself (about xMM) - I used to think "If he loves me so much, why can't he just let go!! Just LET GO!!" and that was in reference to him letting go of his long term gf and the life they share with their kids. Then it occured to me - Why can't I LET GO??! That's what I really needed to do. He has so much with her - I wanted him to just let go of all that and be ok and be happy and be with me - when I couldn't even let go of one person - HIM. Honey, you say you're strong, and that your MM is seeing a side of you that he hasn't seen, but you're still willing to meet him tomorrow - you're still toying with the idea that you can keep HIM ON THE SIDE and explore other options - all that means that NOTHING CHANGES FOR HIM. I dated throughout my time with xMM, it didn't matter because he was where I wanted to be, he was on my mind throughout those dates - I wasn't able to really open up to anyone or give anyone a real chance because xMM was in the picture at the time. You are strong Irish, you just need to take it a step further and not let you MM have it all - reclaim your dignity, reclaim your life. I wish you all the best
Author Irishlove Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Fantastic Post Flabbergaster!! Irish, I understand your pain. I truly do. I understand feeling somewhat guilty for walking away from someone you love. (At times I felt so bad about doing that because xMM had major abandonment issues). I remember I used to always think to myself (about xMM) - I used to think "If he loves me so much, why can't he just let go!! Just LET GO!!" and that was in reference to him letting go of his long term gf and the life they share with their kids. Then it occured to me - Why can't I LET GO??! That's what I really needed to do. He has so much with her - I wanted him to just let go of all that and be ok and be happy and be with me - when I couldn't even let go of one person - HIM. Honey, you say you're strong, and that your MM is seeing a side of you that he hasn't seen, but you're still willing to meet him tomorrow - you're still toying with the idea that you can keep HIM ON THE SIDE and explore other options - all that means that NOTHING CHANGES FOR HIM. I dated throughout my time with xMM, it didn't matter because he was where I wanted to be, he was on my mind throughout those dates - I wasn't able to really open up to anyone or give anyone a real chance because xMM was in the picture at the time. You are strong Irish, you just need to take it a step further and not let you MM have it all - reclaim your dignity, reclaim your life. I wish you all the best Thank you. I'm doing the best I can <3 (hugs)
BB07 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I don't want to do too much NC. Maybe it's the selfish part in me but I'm happy when I see him, when I see his smile or hear him laugh. It will just be limited:love: Irish.......good grief girl, what part of NC = No Contact do you not understand???? Limited contact won't allow you to heal and move on. If that is what you've got to do right now at least own that you aren't on the NC road at all. Calling it NC is delusion.
Minnie09 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I strongly doubt that anything is going to happen. I read all your posts, and I'm sorry, but this man is manipulative and selfish. He doesn't want to be responsible for anything, and even now he asks you if you really love him. Why does he put all the pressure on you? It's him him him him who NEEDS to do the heavy lifting, the decision-making - at home with his W and with you! But you know what? He's not a decision-maker. He lets his women make the decisions, because he's quite happy drifting along through life with no responsibilities. No responsibilities means that nobody can put any blame on him for anything! His women will be the ones to blame. Always have been. He just accepts whatever decision they may make on his behalf. So if he gets a D, you'll be what you don't want to be. Second choice. Second best. Because his xW couldn't stand his BS any longer. He may not be fighting for her (maybe though, he will, and you will never know), but he'll be free due to his own indecisiveness. Not because he loves you so much. You are replaceable like his W. You just need to make the right decision. Because he won't make it. His love is not strong enough. His self-love is, which is why he is happy, or at least content, just the way life is.
Author Irishlove Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 I strongly doubt that anything is going to happen. I read all your posts, and I'm sorry, but this man is manipulative and selfish. He doesn't want to be responsible for anything, and even now he asks you if you really love him. Why does he put all the pressure on you? It's him him him him who NEEDS to do the heavy lifting, the decision-making - at home with his W and with you! But you know what? He's not a decision-maker. He lets his women make the decisions, because he's quite happy drifting along through life with no responsibilities. No responsibilities means that nobody can put any blame on him for anything! His women will be the ones to blame. Always have been. He just accepts whatever decision they may make on his behalf. So if he gets a D, you'll be what you don't want to be. Second choice. Second best. Because his xW couldn't stand his BS any longer. He may not be fighting for her (maybe though, he will, and you will never know), but he'll be free due to his own indecisiveness. Not because he loves you so much. You are replaceable like his W. You just need to make the right decision. Because he won't make it. His love is not strong enough. His self-love is, which is why he is happy, or at least content, just the way life is. That's the VERY thing we talked about today. I let him know I would be second choice if she got the divorce. I said he needs to own up to it and start taking care of it. He started it and now he needs to end it. I agree.
TurboGirl Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Irish I can so relate to you. I still miss my xMM and one of the reasons it took me soooo long to get up the guts to be flip & question him, (which brought about The End) was that I was just crazy for him. The way he smelled, the way he laughed, the way he looked at me. Totally intoxicating and quite addictive. And, not IRL. NC is about getting perspective for you, taking a step back & reassessing. AND about seeing whether or not he will do what he says he will, which is leave the BS and come & be with you. NC is painful but it opened my eyes to everything and you don't have to ever be second best or deal with this flip flopping with a man who is truly available and into you! This guy is not. This guy of yours is totally self centered and from what I've read, will always take the easy way. Jeez, do you really want him? You would always be wondering and second guessing, etc. What about HIM really loving you?!! Did you ask him that? NC for 30 days!! Try it! If it is meant to be you will know it!!
Author Irishlove Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Irish I can so relate to you. I still miss my xMM and one of the reasons it took me soooo long to get up the guts to be flip & question him, (which brought about The End) was that I was just crazy for him. The way he smelled, the way he laughed, the way he looked at me. Totally intoxicating and quite addictive. And, not IRL. NC is about getting perspective for you, taking a step back & reassessing. AND about seeing whether or not he will do what he says he will, which is leave the BS and come & be with you. NC is painful but it opened my eyes to everything and you don't have to ever be second best or deal with this flip flopping with a man who is truly available and into you! This guy is not. This guy of yours is totally self centered and from what I've read, will always take the easy way. Jeez, do you really want him? You would always be wondering and second guessing, etc. What about HIM really loving you?!! Did you ask him that? NC for 30 days!! Try it! If it is meant to be you will know it!! I do know he really loves me. He screwed up his entire life for me. He said he will do something very soon. I'm going to see him a few more times and then do the NC. He will understand and I will do it in person. He really does have a good heart and doesn't like that he is messing everyone up around him. He knows it's all because of him. He doesn't know how to fix it or make it better. He's very worried. I have no doubt he wants to be with me. There are other issues in his life. Assets to think about and he is ready to give them all up. I'm not there for him like I was, he knows I'm slipping away pretty fast.
fooled once Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Be strong and do NC. He chose his wife. Forget what he tells you, words mean nothing. His actions, him still being at home are showing you that he is still married. He is, just like you, going through withdrawal. I wish you'd focus on you instead of him. Detach and let go. Post here when you feel like calling him or if he contacts you, post here instead of replying to him. Yep Irish, how many times have you guys played this game? Aren't you tired of the drama and the pain? Come on now. Yeah, you love him, get it, understand... but back/forth & all around, it is craziness. I think you are addicted to this guy and the drama. It's all an adrenlin rush. Break up/make up. This guy is not worth it, Irish! He's sucking the like & vitality out of you. There are other single guys out there. Give yourself a chance and go NC with this guy for 30 days. See if you can do it! Yep Irish sweetie You gotta go. Take your pride back, walk away. Please. Here's what I can tell you...the moment you leave, he will start to want you. Will it be enough to want you back as a MISTRESS? Yes, oh god yes. Wow I'd love to have her back. Even just 'as a friend' and we all know there is no such thing. This is why he's calling you. Will it be enough to leave his wife? Uh, um...did you see the score from the game? Uh, let me check the weather for the week. Well, that's close enough, right? What was the question? (get the point? if you come back, he's not tlaking about that...cause he doesn't need to). I miss her. I understand him...because somedays I still feel like I can't do this without her. If she posts here...because i love(d) her...I BEG you to tell her the same thing I'm going to tell you: "Tell him you're not going to date him, or be in LC with him, until he's resolved this. You've been in to much pain already. Tell him he is welcome to get a D and look you up, but that you aren't waiting for that any longer. Then, and this is the hard part, walk away until he is divorced, with papers, and a therapist. If he shows up in that condition and you're still single...accept him. If he doesn't...move on. If you meet a great guy before he shows up...don't wait for him any longer." He is choosing her. That trumps your love for him, I'm sorry. Whatever his reasons, he didn't leave her for you. It doesn't matter that he might have wanted to...he didn't. If he wants to leave her 'for him,' now that he realizes how unhappy he is, then he can do that> He can look you up, afterwards. You are not obligated to wait at all for him. BTW I've seen a few A's here on LS that became R's, when they played out this way. Also...i can tell you from personal experience that he will only want you more once you're gone, which will increase your chances of winning him. Date him during htis indecision? Oh HELL no. You've already been there, done that. No no no, he'll NEVER leave her if you do that. Yep Go back and re-read all your other posts. See how one minute he says this, then the next that. He's up and down, changing his mind. Sorry to say this, but you'll be foolish to trust him and what he feels right now. He doesn't know and he will go wherever the wind blows.....Tomorrow, next week, he could change his mind again and want to try to work things out with his wife. Yep I strongly doubt that anything is going to happen. I read all your posts, and I'm sorry, but this man is manipulative and selfish. He doesn't want to be responsible for anything, and even now he asks you if you really love him. Why does he put all the pressure on you? It's him him him him who NEEDS to do the heavy lifting, the decision-making - at home with his W and with you! But you know what? He's not a decision-maker. He lets his women make the decisions, because he's quite happy drifting along through life with no responsibilities. No responsibilities means that nobody can put any blame on him for anything! His women will be the ones to blame. Always have been. He just accepts whatever decision they may make on his behalf. So if he gets a D, you'll be what you don't want to be. Second choice. Second best. Because his xW couldn't stand his BS any longer. He may not be fighting for her (maybe though, he will, and you will never know), but he'll be free due to his own indecisiveness. Not because he loves you so much. You are replaceable like his W. You just need to make the right decision. Because he won't make it. His love is not strong enough. His self-love is, which is why he is happy, or at least content, just the way life is. Yep Irish, do you not feel ridiculous writing your other posts about how DONE you are and how you are FINISHED with him...and then come and write "I saw him, he loves me, he is going to do something sometime so I am going to wait". Really? Since you are accepting being his mistress, then you don't get to complain when you remain his mistress. How ridiculous for you two to even MENTION marriage when he is MARRIED and NOT leaving! He told you all sorts of nasty things... a week ago? How you ruined his life, how he hated you, blah blah blah. And you fall right back into his arms, because "you love him". Well, that is not how 2 people who claim to love each other treat each other. He wouldn't expect you to be his mistress and he would be jumping through HOOPS to be with you; not telling you his wife is THINKING of something. What a stupid thing for him to say "his wife knows when he is thinking of me". How ridiculous because it cannot be PROVE, it is lip service to keep you as an option. Either date others or don't - but telling him "I'm dating others and I know I am going to get snatched up by one of them" is game playing big time. Good luck. I see you back here in a week or two complaining about how he blew you off for his wife, how he isn't leaving, he is waiting for her to leave, blah blah blah. Either end it and be done with it or embrace being the OW.
Silly_Girl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 He is only going to leave if you are there waiting for him. You do know this, right? If you had said I do love you but I don't know what our future holds, he wouldn't be leaving his wife. Also, he should not be making plans for the future, saying he'll marry you! He isn't even separated, moved out or divorced yet! he is reacting and acting out of desparation and affair withdrawal feelings. NC until he is divorced and had time alone to adjust and do some counselling to work on himself. THEN you date him, get out of the affair dynamic completely and start over, with a clean slate and do it right. Right now he'll just keep on seeing you if you let him, and the A will continue, he'll slow things down at home and just be having an affair again. I think the bolded are pretty much contradictions.
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