Love_sohard Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 My boyfriend is great and we really click on a lot of levels.. but I am beginning to think our relationship is pretty one sided. We have conflicting schedules, I don't get off till 10:30PM and he has his son on the weekends and is busy with him. The only time we really get to see each other is at night when I get home from work and he works early the next morning We try to make it work but it's hard--the one thing that I have been resenting lately is that he has never taken me out on a date. Even when we do find an afternoon to do something together I will make dinner or we will cook together and we watch a movie at my place. I always provide beer and buy all the groceries. [/sIZE] I Love him but he has never even offered to bring anything over or even take me out to lunch or bring me dinner at work. I don't expect him to take me to someplace super expensive I would honestly be happy with something as simple as a couple sandwiches, a bottle of wine and a picnic in the park. It just seems that I am doing all the work and he is taking but not giving. The fact that he comes over so late is almost making me feel like a booty call too. I have taken several days off to spend with him but he has never offered to get a sitter for his son or make adjustments so that we could possibly spend a weekend together He's a great guy but I need him to at least give a little more than he does. Any suggestions? I just sent him a text today outlining my concerns saying I am really hoping we can coordinate schedules and find a way to see each other more His response: that seems to be an issue. Maybe we will find a way to work something out Maybe? Just doesn't seem like he is trying as much as I am.
9Lives Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 hmmmmm. I think you need to start asking him to contribute more to see if he is willing to give some. It sounds like you really have not been asking him and now you want to complain about it. Ask for what you want. See how he responds. He might not be doing it on purpose but maye he is.
zengirl Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Texting isn't the greatest way to start the communication, but what's done is done. Talk it out in person and see if he's open to solutions. How long have you been together?
Author Love_sohard Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 completely right. I have not been verbalizing my needs as much as I should. I am a huge giver and it only recently came to me that I should probably be getting at least a little in return too (not that I expect it to be 50-50 but, just that it would be nice to see a little more effort on his part) We have only been together about 2 months. I do really care for him..maybe I just need to clearly outline what I want more.
9Lives Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 completely right. I have not been verbalizing my needs as much as I should. I am a huge giver and it only recently came to me that I should probably be getting at least a little in return too (not that I expect it to be 50-50 but, just that it would be nice to see a little more effort on his part) We have only been together about 2 months. I do really care for him..maybe I just need to clearly outline what I want more. yeah I know what you mean but doing is not love. You can do and do and do until you are blue in the face and most people will take and take and take and leave you DEPLETED. Understand that YOU ARE the catch. You have lots of treasures to share but they are not for everyone. If he cant meet you have way then take your good love and goodness somewhere else. Nobody appreciates a doormat. You sound like boreline doormat and it has only been two months. Not good. Stand up for yourself and tell him what you need to be happy. Dont demand. Just ask. If he comes around to it then great if he doesnt this aint love. This is used!
chuckles11 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 You could probably just ask him to pick up groceries because you are getting off of work late or start suggesting that you go to restaurants when you feel like going. It may not have occurred to him. Heck, many of my friends would be happy eating fast food or frozen dinners every night. In the future I'd recommend addressing issues when they first arise rather than waiting until you are fed up with them.
Author Love_sohard Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Very true..I like doing things for him but I probably need to stop doing so so much. I like that book "why Men love bitches" and it does talk a lot about how women can make themselves "too nice" and go from dreamgirl to doormat You are right that people will take and take from you. It's hard not to give to him when I care for him so much but it might be best for me to take a step back and see if he makes the effort. I really am not asking for much at all but it would be nice if he did something nice once in awhile so I don't feel resentful about things
9Lives Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Very true..I like doing things for him but I probably need to stop doing so so much. I like that book "why Men love bitches" and it does talk a lot about how women can make themselves "too nice" and go from dreamgirl to doormat You are right that people will take and take from you. It's hard not to give to him when I care for him so much but it might be best for me to take a step back and see if he makes the effort. I really am not asking for much at all but it would be nice if he did something nice once in awhile so I don't feel resentful about things yeah dont do it to yourself. It will not be good and you will just feel bad about doing it. Let him be a man and do things too. You want a man right? Just be like, hey can you pick up some blah blah or whatever. If he dont want to do anything for you...dont waste your time. I dont care how much you like him. Your is lover not his mother
musemaj11 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Only give as much as the other person willing to give.
thatdog Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I agree with most of the other posters. You need to be careful with how you address the problem so as not to come off sounding demanding or like you are trying to 'change him'. But guys will often easily fall into a pattern without even realizing it. If you are always doing stuff for him and not seeming to expect anything in return it's easy for a guy to just get comfortable with the situation and not even feel like he is doing anything wrong. If you broach the topic carfeully though (and he really is a good guy) then he will understand and start making more of an effort. Have you met his son? I guess it's only been a couple of months but if you can show an interest in maybe spending a weekend day together with him and his kid it might show how serious you are taking things and make him a little more comfortable with making sacrifices for you as well since he will see that things might be actually leading somewhere.
Author Love_sohard Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Thank you "thatdog". I would love to meet his son but he has so far not made mention of it and I dont want to push him before he is ready. I would be happy to spend a weekend with him and his son and I understand how important the time they have is together but until he is ready I dont want to push too much. He is a good guy and I hope he sees that I am really trying to be understanding and work on things together. I think I am going to talk to him and take your advice about not being too pushy. He was also in a five year relationship with his ex and has told me that he gets scared to give so much because he ends up getting hurt in the end.
thatdog Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Thank you "thatdog". I would love to meet his son but he has so far not made mention of it and I dont want to push him before he is ready. I would be happy to spend a weekend with him and his son and I understand how important the time they have is together but until he is ready I dont want to push too much. He is a good guy and I hope he sees that I am really trying to be understanding and work on things together. I think I am going to talk to him and take your advice about not being too pushy. He was also in a five year relationship with his ex and has told me that he gets scared to give so much because he ends up getting hurt in the end. you don't have to push him about his son. just mention the fact you are interested in meeting him/would enjoy the chance to hang out wit them both. No pressure, no demands, just let him know you think you are ready for that, he can let you know whenever he is ready.
9Lives Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Thank you "thatdog". I would love to meet his son but he has so far not made mention of it and I dont want to push him before he is ready. I would be happy to spend a weekend with him and his son and I understand how important the time they have is together but until he is ready I dont want to push too much. He is a good guy and I hope he sees that I am really trying to be understanding and work on things together. I think I am going to talk to him and take your advice about not being too pushy. He was also in a five year relationship with his ex and has told me that he gets scared to give so much because he ends up getting hurt in the end. At the end of the day, you aint got to pay for what happen in his past. If he cant give you want you need, then you need to reconsider this relationship cause you cant make him be more of a man to you if he has made up in his mind how much he is willing to give right now.
WorldIsYours Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Only give as much as the other person willing to give. Great post.
Author Love_sohard Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Completely true! I think I will be open and honest with him next time we see each other. I shouldn't have to pay for the past and if he feels like he is holding back because of past hurts then we really need to discuss that. I just dont want to do all the chasing...he needs to make some effort too. And as the saying goes "anything in life you chase, runs away"
9Lives Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Completely true! I think I will be open and honest with him next time we see each other. I shouldn't have to pay for the past and if he feels like he is holding back because of past hurts then we really need to discuss that. I just dont want to do all the chasing...he needs to make some effort too. And as the saying goes "anything in life you chase, runs away" Dont Chase! It will deplete you of your self esteem and make you feel like sht! If he cant put any effort into the relationship(you and him) then there is no relationship.
Author Love_sohard Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 I just want to feel cherished by him...that's really it. and that comes from a combination of someone making you a priority..... making an effort and valueing how a person feels...lets see how this talk goes...
9Lives Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I just want to feel cherished by him...that's really it. and that comes from a combination of someone making you a priority..... making an effort and valueing how a person feels...lets see how this talk goes... Two thumbs up!!! I hope it works out...for his own good....lol
Author Love_sohard Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Thanks for all the feedback guys. Update---he's now acting really strange. I called him last night and he didn't answer his phone but it went to voicemail after two rings (you know how you can tell when someone hits the "ignore" button. He didn't bother to call back nor has he texted me all day. I have no idea what is going on here. He did this about a week ago too..got all distant, told me he needed to "figure his life out" and then after two days decided he wanted me back and promised to be more upfront. I am seconds away from texting him and asking him what is going on but I feel a better approach may be to just distance myself and not say anything at all Thoughts?
Kelemort Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 You need to be upfront with this guy. I see you haven't been dating long, but it's high-time to sit down and say, "I really enjoy cooking for you and having you over for dinner, but I've got to admit I was hoping for a romantic night out soon." See what he says. Does he have any ideas? Is he willing to work with you on any? He may not be the guy who has the perfect date idea ready-to-go, but maybe you can help give him a push in the right direction for what you like. The next time you're cooking something, ask him, "I've got everything all set up but dessert/salad/bread. Would you mind bringing some over for dinner? Oh, and how about some beer?" Maybe one night while you're watching one of these movies, you can ask when he's going to cook you something, as you're curious to know about his culinary skills. Or maybe you could suggest that you both cook something together. You don't need to sit down and bash him over the head with all of your needs, but these questions/favors should be enough to inspire the thought of helping out with dinner or something in the future. And if they don't, you have your answer - it's one-sided and not just a case of oversight anymore.
Kelemort Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Thanks for all the feedback guys. Update---he's now acting really strange. I called him last night and he didn't answer his phone but it went to voicemail after two rings (you know how you can tell when someone hits the "ignore" button. He didn't bother to call back nor has he texted me all day. I have no idea what is going on here. He did this about a week ago too..got all distant, told me he needed to "figure his life out" and then after two days decided he wanted me back and promised to be more upfront. I am seconds away from texting him and asking him what is going on but I feel a better approach may be to just distance myself and not say anything at all Thoughts? Distance yourself and possibly break up. Less than two months in and he's already pulling "I need to figure my life out?" Give me a break. This guy's not worth the time.
Author Love_sohard Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 It's really ridiculous actually and I cannot take the up and down anymore. It's only been two months and things have been nothing but good...UNTIL he decided one day he was "scared" then "not sure what to do with his life", then didn't talk to me for 3 days while I was going crazy with wondering what was on his mind. then he comes over and promises not to do it again (I give him another chance) and today he has not texted or called nor bothered to tell me why. Not even a mention of why he didn't answer my call last night. I care for him but two months in and he already is doing this is a red flag....I want to ask him what is wrong but it seems he would rather just avoid me and the situation entirely.
2sunny Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 sounds like he doesn't make much effort for you as his priority. his phone - sounds like he was "busy" enough to not answer his phone. sex so soon? i wouldn't do it that way until a man SHOWS with his ACTIONS that he has made me his priority. he SHOULD be taking you out - and enjoying you by courting you. YOU have offered sex without him needing to date you, why are you doing things that way? so stop: calling him chasing him being available giving sex when he makes no effort to "date" you it looks like he may be seeing someone else. have you used protection against STD's? God, i hope so!
2sunny Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 It's really ridiculous actually and I cannot take the up and down anymore. It's only been two months and things have been nothing but good...UNTIL he decided one day he was "scared" then "not sure what to do with his life", then didn't talk to me for 3 days while I was going crazy with wondering what was on his mind. then he comes over and promises not to do it again (I give him another chance) and today he has not texted or called nor bothered to tell me why. Not even a mention of why he didn't answer my call last night. I care for him but two months in and he already is doing this is a red flag....I want to ask him what is wrong but it seems he would rather just avoid me and the situation entirely. i'd text him and say "have a nice life - we are done" seriously - he said he wouldn't DO that again - and now he's doing it again... why bother with such chaos?
Author Love_sohard Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Phew..thank you. You just made total sense there! I actually waited an entire month before sleeping with him but you are right--I probably should have waited even longer considering he didnt' show me that he really cared or valued me not to mention he is CERTAINLY not showing it now. I am going to disappear..and not contact him at all. I don't need this drama in my life and if after two months he cannot make any sort of effort or even pick up his phone...then I shouldn't waste my time.
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