zengirl Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 So, there is a guy I would totally go out with -- cute, I like him, we are in a group together (Group Guy, if you read my post Sunday), and he finally asked me out. We have plans to grab a drink this week. It is not super intense, not even officially a "date" and just a drink and a chat, so I'm still going but I'm going to tell him I can't date him at the moment. While I do multi-date and think it's fine, I realized I'm really into this other guy (Few Dates Guy) to the point where it'd be silly to date someone else at the moment, especially since I'm pretty sure Few Dates Guy is really into me, too. I generally don't multi-date if I'm sure I want to pursue a relationship with a particular guy, and I'm feeling sure about that --- at THIS point, at least --- with Few Dates Guy. And I don't want an orbiter or to back-burner Group Guy, but I also: (a) Don't want to make things awkward with the Group, who will probably meet Few Dates Guy at some point. (b) Don't necessarily want to exclude the possibility of ever going out with Group Guy if Few Dates Guy doesn't work out. (I mean, I don't want him waiting around for it to happen, because that's not fair to him. However, I also don't want him pissed off at me or to think it has anything to do with my interest in him --- I would, if things were different, totally go out with him.) Any thoughts on how to tell him? I'm going to be direct about it and tell him what's up, but hints are appreciated. I already turned down a date with a 3rd guy for this week I met at another activity and de-activated my dating profile so I wouldn't get guys coming at me from there. Apparently, my problem lately is too many great guys. (I understand if you don't feel sorry for me.) Ever since I made my Half-Orange list, they keep coming out of the woodwork. However, Few Dates Guy is probably my next BF. We're not there yet, but we're definitely on that track.
Star Gazer Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I wouldn't go out with Group Guy AT ALL, even just for drinks, given that you don't want to date him. It'll only get his hopes up and wouldn't be very kind.
carhill Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 'I really appreciate the offer and, under other circumstances, I'd accept, but I'm seeing someone right now and want to explore that potential without any distractions. My style is dating one person at a time. I hope you can understand' If a woman told me that, she'd get a big thumb's up and my best wishes. Hope things work out
Star Gazer Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Also, you just got out of a relationship... Isn't talking about Few Dates Guy as your "next BF" moving a little fast? What's the longest you've been single?
Author zengirl Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 I wouldn't go out with Group Guy AT ALL, even just for drinks, given that you don't want to date him. It'll only get his hopes up and wouldn't be very kind. Normally, I'd agree with this. However, it's tomorrow, and I already agreed. And he kind of couched it as not-quite-a-date and gave an excuse for something he wanted to 'pick my brain' about, and he and I are sort of friends (or in a group of friends). I feel like it would be more rude, at this point, not to go. Grabbing one drink shouldn't give him the wrong idea if I address it directly.
carhill Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I wanted to add that IMO it's OK to 'white lie' about multi-dating. There's dating and then there's *dating* and this guy you're dating is apparently a serious prospect.
Star Gazer Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Normally, I'd agree with this. However, it's tomorrow, and I already agreed. And he kind of couched it as not-quite-a-date and gave an excuse for something he wanted to 'pick my brain' about, and he and I are sort of friends (or in a group of friends). I feel like it would be more rude, at this point, not to go. Grabbing one drink shouldn't give him the wrong idea if I address it directly. But didn't he tell you he really liked you? And wanted to take you out? Knowing this, and him knowing you know this, I would think you would be mindful and address it BEFORE seeing him, saying something along the lines of what carhill suggested.
Author zengirl Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 Also, you just got out of a relationship... Isn't talking about Few Dates Guy as your "next BF" moving a little fast? What's the longest you've been single? The longest I was single was after my HS BF died. It was almost 2 years. The longest other than that was about 4 months. I've basically been single since the end of February. I never got fully back with my BF. I tried, it gave me closure, I'm good to go, and not worried about that. I've been through enough break-ups to know when I'm over a guy and a relationship. To me, time isn't always the major factor in that. I don't think knowing what you want and are heading towards is 'moving too fast.' 'I really appreciate the offer and, under other circumstances, I'd accept, but I'm seeing someone right now and want to explore that potential without any distractions. My style is dating one person at a time. I hope you can understand' If a woman told me that, she'd get a big thumb's up and my best wishes. Hope things work out My dating style isn't ALWAYS one guy at a time but just once I feel things could be serious, but I think I could re-word that to work for me. Thanks, carhill.
Author zengirl Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 But didn't he tell you he really liked you? And wanted to take you out? Knowing this, and him knowing you know this, I would think you would be mindful and address it BEFORE seeing him, saying something along the lines of what carhill suggested. Yeah, there's no chance to do so unless I call him up at 2AM. He did say he has a crush on me, but then didn't ask me out on a proper date, so I really don't know what he's going for. This way, he can brush it off easier. If I make it into a huge thing, he's going to feel self-conscious. There's no way to address it before seeing him that I don't think would be kind of rude and needlessly humiliating for him. I think it'd be more ego-sparing to go, grab a drink, explain things, and let him walk it off, like he never really asked me out and just wanted to pick my brain.
iris219 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 OMG, zengirl! You just broke up with your last BF. How do you have 3 guys already? I’ve been single for a couple years and haven’t met ANYONE. Send a few my way! Back to your question: For me, it would depend on how I REALLY felt about Few Dates Guy. When I really like someone, having drinks with another man would feel like a chore, and I wouldn’t be good company. If drinks with another man would be tempting for me, then there’s something lacking in how I felt about the person I’m dating, but that’s just me. So, basically, if I wasn’t in a committed relationship and wanted to have drinks with the other guy I would.
Author zengirl Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 OMG, zengirl! You just broke up with your last BF. How do you have 3 guys already? I’ve been single for a couple years and haven’t met ANYONE. Send a few my way! Back to your question: For me, it would depend on how I REALLY felt about Few Dates Guy. When I really like someone, having drinks with another man would feel like a chore, and I wouldn’t be good company. If drinks with another man would be tempting for me, then there’s something lacking in how I felt about the person I’m dating, but that’s just me. So, basically, if I wasn’t in a committed relationship and wanted to have drinks with the other guy I would. Well, Group Guy is someone I've hung out with before (albeit in a group setting, but I've sat around and had conversations with him). He's not tedious. Though, yes, I'm not terribly looking forward to tomorrow, because I am hoping I don't bruise his ego (I don't think he has "feelings" for me or anything yet, but I know it sucks to get turned down, especially by someone you see a couple times every week). However, I'm pretty much always able to be good company lately. I've been in such a great overall mood, and that's what determines whether or not I can have good conversations, etc. Yes, I was fine with the idea of being single for awhile actually, and I think that's why great guys flew at me so fast this time. That and all the socializing I've been doing. Only Few Dates Guy came from online (and he's actually in some of the same activities I am---our paths just never crossed before). The others have all been from activities.
carhill Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Oh, I didn't address the meeting part. Since this is someone you know and share activities with, IMO I'd meet with him as arranged and be direct and appreciative if he pushes the personal part at the meeting. If he doesn't bring it up, I'd proactively mention the dynamic regarding this serious potential. To me, the key is balance. Clearly saying (guys appreciate direct statements) that you're seriously dating another man right now and he's the only man you wish to date, but also showing appreciation for this man's romantic interest in you. If he's the kind of man you'd otherwise date, this tells me he'll likely respond, overall, in a positive manner and your group relationship can continue and, if things don't work out with your current beau, leaves the door open to future timing with him. He'll know you're receptive to the idea but have clear boundaries about your emotional and relationship style. Great stuff I was lousy at this in my 20's so learned a lot from those mistakes..... good luck
Star Gazer Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Yeah, there's no chance to do so unless I call him up at 2AM. Is it 2 am where you are right now? Even so, if drinks are in the evening, why can't you tell him in the afternoon? Telling him what carhill suggested will hardly be ego bruising if done BEFORE your date. Doing it during or after is a bit rude, IMO.
Author zengirl Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 Oh, I didn't address the meeting part. Since this is someone you know and share activities with, IMO I'd meet with him as arranged and be direct and appreciative if he pushes the personal part at the meeting. If he doesn't bring it up, I'd proactively mention the dynamic regarding this serious potential. To me, the key is balance. Clearly saying (guys appreciate direct statements) that you're seriously dating another man right now and he's the only man you wish to date, but also showing appreciation for this man's romantic interest in you. If he's the kind of man you'd otherwise date, this tells me he'll likely respond, overall, in a positive manner and your group relationship can continue and, if things don't work out with your current beau, leaves the door open to future timing with him. He'll know you're receptive to the idea but have clear boundaries about your emotional and relationship style. Great stuff I was lousy at this in my 20's so learned a lot from those mistakes..... good luck Thanks! This helps a lot and is exactly how I feel I want to approach it. I really want this guy to know it's not a judgment on HIM at all because he does seem great, from all I know of him, and I do hope group things go smoothly. I'd certainly understand if he wouldn't want a major friendship with me (feeling how he feels) but I don't want him to feel he cannot come to group things (I'm more active in the group than he is) without feeling rejected/embarrassed/ego-bruised, etc.
Author zengirl Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 Is it 2 am where you are right now? Even so, if drinks are in the evening, why can't you tell him in the afternoon? Telling him what carhill suggested will hardly be ego bruising if done BEFORE your date. Doing it during or after is a bit rude, IMO. It's not 2AM now, but he's working now (cannot take a call) and by the time he gets off work, I'll be out. I work all day tomorrow and can't devote proper time to a call before we're meeting for drinks. I'm definitely going tomorrow. That is decided, and I think for the best. I think it's the most respectful thing towards him and the group. I'm not going to reject him via text.
OliveOyl Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Ever since I made my Half-Orange list, they keep coming out of the woodwork. Just a quick note, the book you recommended in another thread... Meeting your Half-Orange... I got it (on Kindle hahah). It's very good, two thumbs up, and apparently it appears to be working for you
Author zengirl Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 Just a quick note, the book you recommended in another thread... Meeting your Half-Orange... I got it (on Kindle hahah). It's very good, two thumbs up, and apparently it appears to be working for you Also check out her datingoptimist blog. It's a little cheesy, but I like some of the ideas. The latest post about her flannel suit is great!
Author zengirl Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 BTW - it all worked out pretty good. He apologized if he made things awkward (I told him no, not at all, but also my theory on how I don't believe in having guys hanging around, hopeful, if I'm into someone else----it's not like a deli counter where you take a number). We had a nice drink. We're all still friendly. Things with the group should be good. Group Guy asked my insight on a few other prospects --- he's not super serious about dating in general so we probably wouldn't be evenly matched anyway. And Few Dates Guy sent me adorable texts tonight. So: all in all, everyone is happy. Group Guy hopefully still feels good about himself. (We wouldn't be close friends, because I do find him attractive and he expressed the same. But we can easily stay group-friends.)
TheLoneSock Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 IMO the ultimate goal of multi dating is to narrow it down eventually. If you're already telling yourself that few dates guy is most likely your next boyfriend, then your decision is already made. Why you would choose to open another book before the one you're reading isn't even done yet doesn't make any sense. Seems like you're going backwards. Also, are all your dates aware that you are multi dating? If not, then you are just being a playette, nothing more.
Author zengirl Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 IMO the ultimate goal of multi dating is to narrow it down eventually. If you're already telling yourself that few dates guy is most likely your next boyfriend, then your decision is already made. Why you would choose to open another book before the one you're reading isn't even done yet doesn't make any sense. Seems like you're going backwards. Also, are all your dates aware that you are multi dating? If not, then you are just being a playette, nothing more. Technically, at the moment, I'm not multi-dating. And I agree with you on the reason: I've found someone I want to narrow it down to who I think may feel the same. Hence: no sense in dating around. When I am multi-dating, I neither announce, nor hide it (I was still up on the dating site and logging in, so I imagine Few Dates Guy at least thought it was possible I was seeing others, though I didn't see anyone else from there). I don't consider it 'playing around' if it's early stages dating. I generally don't move quickly, physically or emotionally, in the relationship, so it's all still pretty chaste at that stage. I think announcing it and making a big thing of it is kind of rude, but I'm a bit WASPy in many ways.
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