Do you think I should give him some space or will that make me lose him even more? :(

[DesperatelyInLove]

Well i really hope you guys can help because at this point i will try just about anything. My ex and I were together for almost 7 years and he just broke up with me a couple of months ago because he said he just doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. He even mentioned to me that he's not going to go and find someone else, and it has nothing to do with not loving me. We had the no contact for 2 weeks until I reached out to him to see what he thought about getting back together and his answer was negative. However even since then he keeps calling and texting for various reasons (asking a stupid question or just to see how I am) every few days. He asked me to get coffee a couple of weeks ago and I said yes and even though it was a bit awkward after a while we were ourselves, laughing and joking like usual. I asked him if we're "friends" now and his answer was a very unassuring "yeah, i guess" and I told him I can't be his friend. I asked if he could see himself as just my friend and he got all agitated and said "well you're asking me something that I don't know and its making me uncomfortable,..." so i let it go. He texted a couple of times after that about stupid questions and I even ran into him yesterday at a coffee shop by accident. He decided (I didn't ask him to) to sit down with me for 20 minutes before going to work. We talked, laughed, joked around like we always did. He told me all about his life and how everything is going without me asking. Its such a weird situation because even when we were broken up he asked me to go car shopping with him and asked my opinion about what car i liked and how he doesn't want to get a standard car because i can't drive a standard car!!! When we see each other only when we say hello and goodbye its awkward because we don't kiss but the whole conversation is just like usual, laughing and joking... I'm going away for the summer to see my day (this was the plan even before we broke up and he knew about it, he even had asked me to bring him back some items that he wanted). It should be mentioned that he is 25 and I am 27. We got together when he was 18 and I was 20. He doesn't have his life together yet, I'm going to school and working towards going to law school and he is just working at odd jobs, not a career. He has talked to some people about the break up (however, not his best friend who is going out with my best friend, to them he is still pretending that we're good!) and they have talked to me and they keep telling me that he is doing this for me!!! I'm not sure what that means but I'm guessing its about him not having a career and doesn't know what he can offer me and hasn't found himself yet. However I never thought of him as anything less at all, I love him for the person that he is, not the money he makes and not the career that he has. How can I show him that I don't care about that and that this is all in his head and that what he is doing is not for me because its killing me? Is it bad that i'm going away for the summer, should i stick around or is it good for him to be away from me as well so he can get some perspective?

[au_chocolat]

It sounds like he is used to having you in his life, so he is trying to cut it off without cutting you off. I'd probably tell the friends to let him know how much you love him (I don't know if you are supposed to say that) but I would also give him space and keep it light if you do meet up. I would not go on and on in a typical chick way since guys don't think like us. Basically, it is simple: You love him, your fine with his lifestyle/career AS IS, you see a future with him AS IS. (I say that part because if you want to change him in any way then he is doing you a favor as the friends say!)

[PelicanPete]

Hello and welcome

 

 

Did he give any specific reasons as to why he needed a break? If he is apparently doing this for you, you should be entitled as to how this is for you.

He is still telling friends that you two are together, so he still wants to be with you. You guys are still getting along fine so that doesn't seem to be the issue.

 

He could be pressured by his career path like you mentioned, maybe he feels embarrassed about talking about it or something. He can be under the gender stereotype of the man being the main provider and maybe he is a bit ashamed. Regardless, I wouldn't say go no contact with him but just try to really talk to him and see what's going on. He should be able to tell you, if he doesn't there is a problem.

[ShoeGurl1973]

I have experienced a similar issue. My bf of 3 1/2 years broke up with me a month ago. We had few arguements but the ones we had - the last half of the arguement was finances. I am a successful software engineer, he is a cancer research scientist. I make more money than he does, almost twice actually. He makes decent money but becuase of a past divorce and child support payment, he lives paycheck to paycheck. I didn't have a problem with this, I knew it from the begining but he always compared himself to me and said he wasn't as independant. IF something out of the ordinary happened, he'd either borrow money from me or his parents. I tried to teach him to save a few bucks every month but it didn't sink in. He would rather spend it on video games or beer. COuldn't even convince him why at 35 he should contribute to his 401K . We live in a house which is in my name and we moved in togehter. I know he always felt bad about the fact he was not able to pay for alot of house renovations or improvements, but again, I did not expect him to. My point is this, no matter what I accepted, he did not accept himself. He obviously had a problem not being as self sufficient or successful as myself. Now I am NOT at all saying professionally he wasn't successful, because I think everyone would agree that researching cancer is for the good of mankind and how can you possibly put a price on that. The fact is, at the end of the day, he compared himself to me dollar for dollar and didn't feel like he measured up. i think being with me is a constant reminder of his inadequacy in his own eyes. I think your bf is probably feeling similarly - like he doesn't measure up to your career choice and that you deserve someone equally as ambitious and successful. These are all his issues, not yours. Speaking from experience, you can't fix these problems for him, you have to let him do it on his own. If that involves giving him space, thats what you need to do. If he takes some time to improve himself and comes back to you its a win win situation. If not, he's only going to be down on himself which will ultimately be the demise of your relationship in the long run.

[DesperatelyInLove]

It sounds like he is used to having you in his life, so he is trying to cut it off without cutting you off. I'd probably tell the friends to let him know how much you love him (I don't know if you are supposed to say that) but I would also give him space and keep it light if you do meet up. I would not go on and on in a typical chick way since guys don't think like us. Basically, it is simple: You love him, your fine with his lifestyle/career AS IS, you see a future with him AS IS. (I say that part because if you want to change him in any way then he is doing you a favor as the friends say!)

Dear au_chocolat,

Thank you for your response. I am in no way trying to change him. I have always told him that I want him to be whatever he wanted to be and do whatever he wanted to do in regards to a career. I think this is the only way anyone can be happy in their life. I have two choices now, I can either get his friend to tell him all of this when i leave (that way maybe he doesn't feel like he is being pushed into deciding anything and he has a few months to mull things over while i'm gone) or I can send him an email before I leave telling him all of this and see how it goes. I'm thinking about emailing him rather than talking to him because I don't want it to sound like I'm pressuring him to listen and give me an answer right away when i'm sitting in front of him. With the email, he can read it in his own time and can kind of think things through until I come back.

[DesperatelyInLove]

Hello and welcome

 

 

Did he give any specific reasons as to why he needed a break? If he is apparently doing this for you, you should be entitled as to how this is for you.

He is still telling friends that you two are together, so he still wants to be with you. You guys are still getting along fine so that doesn't seem to be the issue.

 

He could be pressured by his career path like you mentioned, maybe he feels embarrassed about talking about it or something. He can be under the gender stereotype of the man being the main provider and maybe he is a bit ashamed. Regardless, I wouldn't say go no contact with him but just try to really talk to him and see what's going on. He should be able to tell you, if he doesn't there is a problem.

Dear PelicanPete,

Thank you for your response. No, he didn't give me any reason for the break up other than he just doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. He also mentioned that it has nothing to do with loving me or wanting to find someone else. He specifically said "don't think i want to go out and find another girlfriend tomorrow. It has nothing to do with that. I just don't want to be in a relationship right now. You have to get married at some point and so do it and I don't think it can happen." He also mentioned something about holding me back but I don't remember exactly what he said. Now I have never been one to push for the marriage stuff and I mentioned that to him and he said "that it true but still..." Last time we talked about anything "future related" was a while ago where we decided that we, individually, want to get married and we do see it happen with each other but there are still things we need to work on which I thought was a good and honest conversation because I certainly didn't want to say/hear that everything is just fantastic and just couldn't be any better and we should do it tomorrow. Not at all! I think we, individually and together, have things to work out before taking that step. However, because of the length of our relationship, everywhere we go people joke around and ask when we're gonna get married and I always reply with "we're too young" or "we have things we want to achieve personally before taking that step" which are all true.

I agree that if he is doing anything "for me" I have the right to know what it is because right now I feel like he is bothered by some things which has never bothered me (I agree about the gender stereotype) and he has based his decision on that and what he thinks is the right thing "for me"! It feels like I'm 2 and people are making decisions for me and I have to deal with the consequences!!

I was also thinking that the no contact is not good in this case because specially with his personality type I don't want it to be like "I let her go because I want her to have better things in life than I can give her. We have no contact anymore and therefore it seems like she has moved on so my decision was the right one"!!!

[DesperatelyInLove]

I have experienced a similar issue. My bf of 3 1/2 years broke up with me a month ago. We had few arguements but the ones we had - the last half of the arguement was finances. I am a successful software engineer, he is a cancer research scientist. I make more money than he does, almost twice actually. He makes decent money but becuase of a past divorce and child support payment, he lives paycheck to paycheck. I didn't have a problem with this, I knew it from the begining but he always compared himself to me and said he wasn't as independant. IF something out of the ordinary happened, he'd either borrow money from me or his parents. I tried to teach him to save a few bucks every month but it didn't sink in. He would rather spend it on video games or beer. COuldn't even convince him why at 35 he should contribute to his 401K . We live in a house which is in my name and we moved in togehter. I know he always felt bad about the fact he was not able to pay for alot of house renovations or improvements, but again, I did not expect him to. My point is this, no matter what I accepted, he did not accept himself. He obviously had a problem not being as self sufficient or successful as myself. Now I am NOT at all saying professionally he wasn't successful, because I think everyone would agree that researching cancer is for the good of mankind and how can you possibly put a price on that. The fact is, at the end of the day, he compared himself to me dollar for dollar and didn't feel like he measured up. i think being with me is a constant reminder of his inadequacy in his own eyes. I think your bf is probably feeling similarly - like he doesn't measure up to your career choice and that you deserve someone equally as ambitious and successful. These are all his issues, not yours. Speaking from experience, you can't fix these problems for him, you have to let him do it on his own. If that involves giving him space, thats what you need to do. If he takes some time to improve himself and comes back to you its a win win situation. If not, he's only going to be down on himself which will ultimately be the demise of your relationship in the long run.

Dear ShoeGurl1973,

thank you for your response. I appreciate you sharing with me your personal experience. Some of the aspects of your story are very close to my relationship as well, for example not being able to save, spending money on unnecessary items,... I have however have been seeing that he is taking steps to correct a lot of this right now. I see him saving money to buy the car that he wants (he is really not good at saving money but he is doing it!) or getting his finances together and building his credit. So all in all I am glad that he is doing that right now and he is taking steps in bettering his financial situation which seems to bug him. I was thinking of writing him an email before I leave on my vacation and telling him some of the things which are on my mind, about how I love him for who he is and none of these things have ever bugged me and never will and ... I thought maybe doing this he'll read the email in his own time and by that time i'll be gone and he won't feel like i'm sitting in front of him asking him to give me an answer, etc. This way I say what I want to say and hopefully when he reads it he has a few months to work on himself and think about the email and have some breathing time as well. What do you think? Also do you think I should go NC while i'm away?

[marqueemoon4]

Apparently people are programmed at an early age to ask for "space", and if you don't give it to them, well they just don't respect you anymore. They usually want this space to go experience someone else or time to "think". Its f-in nonsense.

 

But yea, give him his "space", you do anything else he won't respect you. Childish games, but thats what people seem to like to do.