kash123 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Hi guys, I really need your advice even though the topic has probably been posted a million times =) My ex dumped me out of the blue (although I had a feeling she would for some time) saying she needed space/break from me (not even admitting she was dumping me) about 3 months ago, we've been together for the past 7 years so we had a strong relationship and I was very much deeply in love with her. I came across this forum and realised best way to deal with the situation was to go NC. Last time I txted her was on her bday, before that I was on NC for 10 days and the day I txted her Happy Bday she mentioned to me I made her day and she wanted to meet up with me anytime. I told her it was best to maintain that space and ever since I've been good on NC have been doing it for two weeks. However, within the last 2 weeks she keeps randomly calling me and sending me texts in that time saying oh I haven't heard from you and I want to have a quick catch up. Hope your doing okay. We shud meet up or have a quick chat etc. I don't attend her calls nor reply to her text. It's like all the things I said has gone in one ear and come out the other but when she asks for space and ignores me its okay:confused:. I'm staying NC, trying to regain control of my life and boost my self esteem and confidence. But I feel like she still wants to have control over me even not being together and know what is going on in my life, as she loves being in control and thrives on it hence why she's ignoring what i said to her :S Or maybe keep me as an option just in case all fails for her as she is in vulnerable position. I don't know. All I know is im staying NC but it's frustrating me she has to keep texting me asking me to catch up. Don't know what to do. I've posted history about our relationship below to put things in to context, I'd very much appreciate if you could read it, apologies if it's all mixed, long winded and doesn't make sense, my mind is exhausted these days! I needed some space to rant and ask for advice!
Author kash123 Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 (edited) History: My ex was always clingy and needy for me, demanded lots of attention from me which I gave to her because I bloody loved her too much I gave what she wanted Through sixth form, university and even at work I'd constantly be texting her, after work go and visit her, literally I made her my life which she enjoyed. However, there were many problems when it came to her. Right from the beginning she was always unsure about commitment like she said don't put my hopes up with her but yet at the same time she'd always be demanding asking me to be with her all the time, make her feel secure etc. Another thing she was extroverted and I was introverted with anxiety problems which caused problems for her. She said herself she had some mental health issue like she didn’t know who she was and wanted to seek counselling. In our relationship she was always trying to be on top, try controlling, I’d compromise a lot for her she didn’t compromise much for me. I am enthusiastic about a particular sport and she was like it’d destroy our relationship. Funny thing is after the break up, she went down and watched a match txting me saying she was watching it that day even though she didn’t even understand it which pissed me off big time. She also kept me secluded/secret in her life, no one else knew about me inc her fam although she knew members of my family and was in contact with them etc (initially long distance but she moved down closer). Even when she moved down, she didn't tell anyone about me apart from her landlord. She'd never admit to anyone she was in a relationship and said she was single whilst I had to admit that I wasn't. She has been through a lot in life and I was her source of comfort. But as she grew older she grew more independent (eventually leaving her fam) and she moved down closer to me. Now bearing in mind I'm just a young graduate who is also supporting my own fam as well as her naturally I started feeling a bit stressed down to due my poor background as well as supporting her plus social anxiety problems + mild depression, but I did my utmost best to support her. After a while she had a job and now starting up a business with a bloke at work whom I don't know, nor do I even know what business she's doing as she keeps it all hidden to herself. Leading to the break up we did have more frequent bickering, she'd really get frustrated with me easily over something so silly and lashed out at me even on my bday which totally killed my day. I lost a lot of already fragile self esteem and confidence during this period. She would also sometimes speak her mind saying "Don't ever bore me", "If someone better came, I might be tempted to go with that person just for that fresh feeling of excitement", talk about the guy she does business with how at work all the colleagues have an impression they were together even though they weren't and they pretended to just go along, or even sometimes say I don't know how I can be with you, I need someone like myself, we are completely opposite. But wenever she always said this, she'd quickly remind me after how she only loved me etc. During the post break up meeting, she wanted a piece of my sweater or something so she could sleep at night with to remind her of me :S Post Break up: I initially handled it well, I was mentally drained for the past 4 months I had this feeling she'd leave me and she didn't do well enough to reassure me so was always in the back of my mind. But then I made a mistake, she wanted to catch up with me and thats when my emotions took the best of me, I felt sick and completely heartbroken. Then I made the typical mistake of acting desperate asking her to get back to me for about a week then finally sensed kicked into me and I stopped doing that. At that last meeting I told her it was the last time I'll ever come and see her although she wanted me to be friends as she said she was still alone in this new city and she doesn't know anyone. I refused to believe what she said there, I mean if she's doing business with some dude obviously an element of trust is needed so I didn't fall for that. Edited April 19, 2011 by kash123
PelicanPete Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I think your ex just wants to control the breakup. You took the initiative and started NC which is good, and she is just trying to get you to break it so that she can hold the power in your relationship. If you go back to contacting her again then you'll be pushed on the back burner, her curiousity and possible guilt will be at ease. Her texts of "oh i want to catch up and see how you're doing" are just what we call crumbs. They don't really have anything meaningful they just want you to respond so that they can feel better about themselves. I guess you have two options. You can tell her you don't want to meet up to get her to leave you alone, or you can just continue to ignore her. Don't tell her anything about your life or how you're doing and just continue with NC. If she is trying to get back into a relationship with you she will eventually stop just feeding you crumbs and break down and tell you, and if she wants to be friends it has to be on your turns considering your the dumpee. Youre doing good keep it up
DollyGirl12 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I agree, if she does not know what she wants then it's best for you to stay NC. You noted that from the beginning she has been confused? Has this been going on for 7 years as well as her keeping you a secret from her family for 7 years?
Author kash123 Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 I think your ex just wants to control the breakup. You took the initiative and started NC which is good, and she is just trying to get you to break it so that she can hold the power in your relationship. If you go back to contacting her again then you'll be pushed on the back burner, her curiousity and possible guilt will be at ease. Her texts of "oh i want to catch up and see how you're doing" are just what we call crumbs. They don't really have anything meaningful they just want you to respond so that they can feel better about themselves. I guess you have two options. You can tell her you don't want to meet up to get her to leave you alone, or you can just continue to ignore her. Don't tell her anything about your life or how you're doing and just continue with NC. If she is trying to get back into a relationship with you she will eventually stop just feeding you crumbs and break down and tell you, and if she wants to be friends it has to be on your turns considering your the dumpee. Youre doing good keep it up Thanks I appreciate your advise,. =) Yeah I felt she was feeding me crumbs and rather than me being tempted to text her back, it made me angry inside that she had the audacity to send me such meaningless things expecting everything to be a okay. What I don't understand is that even after breaking up, why does she still want control over me, like I have the right to be independent and do whatever the hell I want to do, yet she seems to still want to linger around in my affairs. Especially when i stated to her that I do not want to be friends with her. The thing with her, in the past she took a similar break when I was in uni, at that time I didn't know the concept of NC so I maintained contact, sometimes it was her being cold towards me and then next minute being nice but the fact I was still in her life. But after a year or so, all of a sudden she wanted me back, this time round we stayed together for 3 years and now again she's doing the same thing. She seems very confused saying relationships isn't her thing but even if historically she decides to come back there is so many problems with her that even if she came back, I wouldn't accept her straight away unless she made drastic changes. With her, everything had to be done under her terms and conditions, like even the break up and how she's trying to control it now. When she broke up with me, she specifically asked me not to ignore her, that was the first thing she said!!! But I will maintain NC for my benefit only. I agree, if she does not know what she wants then it's best for you to stay NC. You noted that from the beginning she has been confused? Has this been going on for 7 years as well as her keeping you a secret from her family for 7 years? Yeah she has been confused but with her it's like a rollercoaster. Like once in a while she'd mention her confusion saying I'm not sure if I want to be with you, don't put your hopes up etc but then again she's always been clingy with me, even after break up she won't allow me to disappear from her life. Then next minute she describes about living life together and getting married etc. Till she decided to take a break and have some space. I was like her personal private comfort, basically I think I was her form of escapism. From her daily life, she could just come and escape to me hence one reason why she kept me secluded from everyone. Her biggest fear was loneliness and she loved me because I took that fear from her, even though she was extroverted and could easily make a lot of friends. Family was a secret mainly because of our community being quite intolerable. However she's made massive lies to me that after 7 years I only just come to know. Originally she told me she had 3 brothers and two sisters, only now all of a sudden she has openly admitted to me that she has 4 brothers and 4 sisters! It still baffles me till this day why she lied to me but thats the problem when she secluded me from her life and didn't want anything to share. With regards to her family, If they knew about us, it would have been hell for her. I could understand that because if I dated other girls from similar backgrounds to me they wouldn't tell their families about me straight away, it's a cultural problem. However, she has friends she could have easily told but she lied to them. She always told me that people think she's anti-male and that she would find it difficult to admit she was with someone like me. Supposedly fair enough, but when she came down closer, to start a new life, she still carried on her behaviour which upsetted me because I don't see what the problem was this time round when no could judge you but she said she found it difficult to do :S So basically, she is one confusing character, I've lost complete trust in her however knowing her character, she doesn't want me to completely disappear out of her life like normal people would, she still wants me to be in her life but everything has to be done under her terms and conditions. She won't listen to me, i.e. doesn't get the message that I don't want to meet up with her. I'm fed up of being in an unhealthy one sided relationship, after the break up I don't even want to know her, though naturally i'll miss her cuz i loved her and put everything into the relationship but she has some serious problems to sort out and she doesn't look like changing it anytime soon, she wants to do what she wants and looks out for her own interests only.
PelicanPete Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Thanks I appreciate your advise,. =) Yeah I felt she was feeding me crumbs and rather than me being tempted to text her back, it made me angry inside that she had the audacity to send me such meaningless things expecting everything to be a okay. What I don't understand is that even after breaking up, why does she still want control over me, like I have the right to be independent and do whatever the hell I want to do, yet she seems to still want to linger around in my affairs. Especially when i stated to her that I do not want to be friends with her. The thing with her, in the past she took a similar break when I was in uni, at that time I didn't know the concept of NC so I maintained contact, sometimes it was her being cold towards me and then next minute being nice but the fact I was still in her life. But after a year or so, all of a sudden she wanted me back, this time round we stayed together for 3 years and now again she's doing the same thing. She seems very confused saying relationships isn't her thing but even if historically she decides to come back there is so many problems with her that even if she came back, I wouldn't accept her straight away unless she made drastic changes. With her, everything had to be done under her terms and conditions, like even the break up and how she's trying to control it now. When she broke up with me, she specifically asked me not to ignore her, that was the first thing she said!!! But I will maintain NC for my benefit only. Yes good, don't let her push you around . She sounds like a very controlling person, automatically making her behavior a bit hot and cold from the stress of trying to manipulate things she can't control. Be aware of this and try not to take it personally. Just continue NC, she doesn't have any right to tell you what to do as the dumper. Sadly the "control freaks" rarely change, but it is possible. It will take an epiphany that's for sure. Maybe your NC will trigger it. It is harder for a controlling person to change because change requires something out of their control. If she was controlling of you during your relationship that's an obvious sign, another more subtle sign of a controlling person is if they hoard old stuff they aren't even using, or just people with a lot of possessions. The extreme hoarders are an example, but also the people in dire need of a garage sale are usually controlling personalities as well. So just stick to the plan! Don't jump at crumbs and only reply if she is begging for you back. You seem like you're well on your way analyzing the relationship. Post if you need anymore help and goodluck
Author kash123 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 Yes good, don't let her push you around . She sounds like a very controlling person, automatically making her behavior a bit hot and cold from the stress of trying to manipulate things she can't control. Be aware of this and try not to take it personally. Just continue NC, she doesn't have any right to tell you what to do as the dumper. Sadly the "control freaks" rarely change, but it is possible. It will take an epiphany that's for sure. Maybe your NC will trigger it. It is harder for a controlling person to change because change requires something out of their control. If she was controlling of you during your relationship that's an obvious sign, another more subtle sign of a controlling person is if they hoard old stuff they aren't even using, or just people with a lot of possessions. The extreme hoarders are an example, but also the people in dire need of a garage sale are usually controlling personalities as well. So just stick to the plan! Don't jump at crumbs and only reply if she is begging for you back. You seem like you're well on your way analyzing the relationship. Post if you need anymore help and goodluck Thanks for your comment, bit late on the reply but mainly I thought by coming back to this forum it indirectly makes you think of your ex so I have been heavily involved in keeping myself busy and rebuilding my life. But I completely agree with you and what you said seems to exhibit her behaviour. She still does seem like she wanted to control me as a dumper. It's been approximately just under a month of NC, in that time she has given me those crumbs as you guys have told me to be aware of till a couple of days back where she finally texted me saying whether there is any chance i'd even send one text to her. At this point I broke my nc because for once and for all I wanted to get this sorted out. Its funny I explained to her the words that she explained to me when she broke up with me. So I was talking about her saying that you know you wanted to move on and do so much in your life and be your old self (which she explained to me when she broke up), now you got that opportunity to do it and live a happy life, you're basically as a free as a bird. I then said it'll be difficult for us to maintain any form of contact because I don't see you as a friend and ever since the break up the way we both have been acting is not in a way friends would act towards each other (referring to her text messaging me once and then disappearing for a couple of days). I told her that if you wanted to know how I am doing, then I am doing very well thanks. Then finished it off with saying best luck to the future, hope you all the best good bye. She then replied back in a particularly cold fashion, saying "I see. I have no choice to accept and respect your decision. Goodbye." Reason why it was cold was because when she broke up and I was in an emotional mess I told her I didn't want to see her again and whilst attempting my first closure with her. She gave me a long wonderful reply telling me good luck in the future to me and hope my life will be good and best of luck blah blah. I think back then she expected me to return to her begging her back which I made the mistake of doing. But now it's totally opposite, i've stuck to NC and I've made progress on myself and feel much better. So when she texted me I think she's realising it's not in her control anymore and she can't control me.I then sent my last message saying I'm sorry but it's all or nothing for me. Take care, best of luck for the future goodbye. I hope I sent the right message across. I mean I'm not going to be a person on the side, nor am I going to let a person take advantage of my love by allowing them to control me in/out of the relationship and I've become a stronger individual and plan to stay that way. Now back to NC. I hope I handled the situation well =/ I mean naturally the emotional bond is there but I believe it will slowly weaken, just have to keep myself busy and focus on myself.
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