au_chocolat Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 (edited) Hi there, I spent a couple of months with a guy who I thought was my man. We went on an international trip and he even went cross country and met my family. He spent over $10,000 on me in a short time (and he has a good job, but he isn't a very rich man.) After our last trip, I found an email he wrote to his ex-wife in another country where he said "I want to hear your voice". They split five years ago and he told me they were just friends as well as the fact that the sex was terrible and they only had sex eight times over two years! (We had great sex... and everyday). I confronted him about the email and said I was okay with the friendship, but not romantic communications. He said he wasn't honest with me and we should break up because he is not sure and he still has feelings for her and he doesn't feel ready for us. (I should add that he wants a family, she doesn't, not to mention they can't physically be together because of jobs, countries, and she hates where we live.) This was nearly four weeks ago. I have not contacted him until about a week ago about a medical issue and we talked about the breakup. He said I am a stronger person than he is and he is uncertain about where he is at. He said he had sabotaged our relationship and never brought anything up about his feelings. I told him that I was there 100% when we were together and I was falling in love. He thanked me for my honesty and said he admires my dignity and that I didn't deserve what happened. He asked if he could call me in a couple of weeks when he is back from his family's reunion. I said yes, if he'd like. I am starting to miss him very much and would be willing to work with him to get through these issues. Do you think we should become friends or talk about us as dating or is this a bad idea? Up until the e-mail I thought he was it (even three days before I confronted him he said we should get an art studio together!) and I miss being together. THANK YOU FOR ANY HELP OR SUGGESTIONS! Edited April 19, 2011 by au_chocolat spelling and writing errors, sorry.
PelicanPete Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I guess you have to ask yourself if you'd be able to handle just being friends, or if you would much rather a relationship with him. He sounds unsure of things, and he probably needs time to figure this out. You guys both seem really mature about it so I don't see why you can't ask where you two stand and where he is emotionally. Keep in mind it wouldn't be fair to continue a relationship with him if he is still dealing with feelings for his ex wife. It will make him very confused and you will inevitably get hurt somewhere down the line. Unfortunately him working past feelings for his ex wife should probably be done alone
Author au_chocolat Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 Thanks so much for your wise advice. It is amazing how we can get caught up in these states, but it is wonderful to have the input from this community. Thanks again.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I agree, he doesn't sound like a bad guy at all. He was honest and upfront and hasn't been playing games with you or led you on. The issue lies in whether you think you can be friends with him without all the feelings involved. That can be really tough when one person wants more than the other.
Author au_chocolat Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 How do other people get past the loneliness of no longer having a partner after getting close to someone and then having it fall apart? I really thought this was my guy. I'm getting to the four weeks mark, so now it is becoming an issue of selective memory. I'm only remembering what was good, not the fact that he was becoming distant, taking me for granted as well as talking secretly with his ex-wife. I guess what is most hard is that I gave this relationship my best ever. I treated him with my most complete self and was totally there. I can't say that about my past. I am curious about how other people get past the feeling of having been present for a relationship and making yourself vulnerable and then having it fall apart. What is a positive way to look at these moments?
PelicanPete Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Well, no question is a stupid question. It's only stupid if you don't ask it A lot of people deal with the NC period differently, some people just focus on not talking to their ex, which is hard at first but it gradually starts to take a snowball effect and become easier. I think most people at some point use NC to renew themselves, rise from the ashes a better person. I know my break up made me understand a lot more and see things differently, and because of that I've become a better person. I guess I can thank my ex for giving me a complete emotional beat down and sending me to psychological hell Some people just try to bottle it up and forget about it. They stay as busy as possible so that they don't have to deal with it, and if there is a lot on their mind, their current break up isn't the highest priority. The only downside to this is if you can't stay busy. Rebound relationships.. I guess it's pretty self explanatory. Going no where fast. Not recommended. The healthiest one is of course using this time to become a better person, but NC can be pretty dramatic so some people play with other options. Reflect the mistakes you made in the relationship, understand the problems that the relationship held, go digging through yourself and examine your faults and how you can improve them, etc. If you do this effectively you'll eventually look past your slightly bruised ego and realize good or bad it was worth it Goodluck and hope this helps! Post if you have any more concerns
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