New here. Two months post breakup :(

[stephmichelle]

Hi everyone. I'm new here but have been reading everyone's posts on this forum since my ex and I broke up (Feb. 18th) - it's helped me so much but I feel like I'm back-slidding and could really use some advice.

 

I'll try not to go too much into detail about our relationship and break up, I don't want you guys to have to read a novel! He is almost 24 and I'm almost 23. We were together 3 years, he lives 2 hours away from me and a year ago, transferred to another college also 2 hours away from me - so we've been LD and got to see each other on the weekends, breaks, holidays, ect. He's helped me with so much in my life (meeting my biological mom for the first time, my Grandpa passing away...) - he's always been my rock when I wasn't strong enough. We've had ups and downs but nothing really major - just small fights that we easily overcame. But his parents still control every aspect of his life, he blames them for us not being able to move in together or get engaged (I've wanted to move in after a year and started talking about marriage about a year ago) - but now I'm starting to think if that was just a way of putting blame on someone else other than him. I was always the one having to drive to see him, he would visit me every now and then, but not nearly as much as I did. There's so much I could mention but that would just get too long. Basically, it's been great and some bad.

 

 

So, fast forward to our break up - our problems really started to escalate when he went to his new college a year ago. Keep in mind, he's already been in school for 3 years - some of his classes didn't transfer and now he still has 2+ years to go. His dad owns a house there for him to live - he has 3 male roommates, it's also a huge party town. He started forming a really close relationship to one, I'll call him "Bob". Bob has a gf (now fiance) but treats her terrible, he's always acted like he's single and does pretty much whatever he wants. My ex was always very considerate of my feelings up until he got close with Bob. It first started out that he wanted to go to the bars all the time while I'm 2 hours away - I dealt with it at first because I know he wanted to have fun but one night I didn't hear from him at all and found out a bunch of stuff happened so I put my foot down and begged that he wait until I was able to go out with him because it made me uncomfortable - which was fine for a while. I would get there on the weekends and he would either want to hang out with Bob (who he see's everyday already!) or spend all day playing xbox, I always felt neglected. I would mention this to him and he would just say I'm being a bitch and need to lay off - always got defensive when I would try to talk about it. This went on for about 6 months. I started catching him in lies about where he would be at, just really stupid stuff that I don't even understand why he would lie. He quit texting/calling as much as he used to. Bob even made a joke one time about how he controls everything and can't help it he took my place during the week. Anyways - we had a great Valentines Day weekend and we both went back to our homes - I came up there that next Friday and wanted to go to a movie and spend time together. Well, he wanted to hang out with Bob and his friends that night & drink and told me that we would do something later. This winds up into a HUGE fight and he told me he couldn't do this anymore that I bitch about everything and he's sick of it. I pointed out that he had changed so much since being there, he drinks more, he treats me with less respect and puts his friends first. So, I pack up all of my stuff and leave. I kind of thought well, we'll spend a couple days apart and then we'll be able to work through it. No, he's completely done and doesn't want to work on anything.

 

 

So, we really talked a couple weeks after breaking up and he said were just not compatible, he doesn't want to be in a relationship, he's enjoying his freedom. Since we've been broken up, he's literally gone to the bar every single night. His two other roommates are from my town, one roommate's gf is my best friend since 3rd grade - so I hear too much about what he's doing and how he's acting. Neither of them can believe how he's being and have mentioned how big of an influence Bob is and doesn't even hang out with them anymore. Bob is getting married in May and his fiance is practically letting him run wild. My ex was with someone before me for 2 years - once she started talking about marriage, he freaked out. She wound up cheating on him and leaving him because he wouldn't commit. Do you think he's freaked out about marriage being the next step? After we broke up he said he doesn't like talking about getting married after he graduates or when I talk about wanting children someday - but he never mentioned any of this while we were together! He would talk about it too...which is why I don't understand where this is coming from.

 

 

We've been in LC since the break up - I saw him almost a month ago and when we were together, everything seemed like it used to be, we had a great day. He still tells me he loves me but doesn't want to be with me right now. Used to he wouldn't even answer the phone when I call, but now he does. He'll sometimes text me "Goodnight" which I don't reply to, but if I mention getting back together and working on us, it's just a no. I've found out he's been "talking" to other girls and goes to the bar with a couple of them. He wound up having to drop all of his classes except 1 because of how bad his grades were. His dad gives him like $200 every week and he just spends it on beer and bars. He doesn't have any responsibility - he's never worked expect on the farm which is his dads. And now he only has class on T & TH. I just can't believe how he's acting right now. I read somewhere about 'G.I.G.S.' - does he classify as this? I'm just so confused and don't understand his actions. I keep thinking that maybe once school is out and he goes back to his hometown he'll be the man I know again - but a part of me feels like he's gone forever. I know I shouldn't hold onto hope but I still love him despite everything

 

 

I know I need to do NC - I need to try my best to move on. He's said he doesn't want this relationship and even if he could fix it, he doesn't want to BUT he still loves me?! He knows that I'm still here and if he wanted it, I would come back - which is the problem. I'm kind of in the self blaming phase - I keep thinking of stuff I wished I would've done differently, I wish I hadn't of bitched about him going out without me all the time and neglecting me, ect but those were serious things that should've been brought up. I also know I'm not the only one to blame - he did a lot wrong, too. But he doesn't admit to doing anything wrong which hurts even more, he just keeps saying it's my fault This hurts me so bad. I'm just trying to get through this until June, I'll be leaving for almost 3 weeks to see my family in Cali and then will be leaving for Florida for a week after that. I need to get away from everything.

 

A lot of our friends said they were completely shocked when we broke up because of how strong our relationship was - or I guess how it seemed. Its like everything was great and then BAM, he say's it was terrible all of a sudden. This may be TMI but I was on the Depo birth control shot for about 6 months and it made me not want to have sex hardly ever (about once a week at least). I got off of it because of how horrible it made me feel and am just now starting to feel normal again - he mentioned that after our break up, that me not wanting to have sex as much was a big deal also. I couldn't help the way I was feeling and then other times, he had been rude to me during the day or ignoring me and I really didn't feel like making love that night. Is that selfish of him to say or was I being selfish? Again, part of the self blame phase again

 

I guess I'm just wanting advice on if his behavior is normal right now? Why is he acting like this? Is it G.I.G.S? Do you think one day he'll wake up and miss me and regret doing all of this? If he doesn't want a relationship or any committment, why is he talking to other girls already? I don't think he's sleeping around yet but I just don't know. I don't understand how he can be acting like this and how it's so easy for him to throw away 3 years after everything we've been through together It just hurts so bad still and it's been 2 months - I can do NC for about 4 days but then I crack and just want to hear his voice I feel like I'm never going to meet someone that I clicked with so well again - I know I'll eventually meet someone else, but it just doesn't feel like it right now. I do my best to get out of the house but it's still hard. Any advice would be appreciated so much and thank you for reading all of this if you got this far.

Edited April 19, 2011 by stephmichelle

[au_chocolat]

It sounds like he is confused just the way that you are. I'm sure he still has feelings for you after so long, but at least one problem is that you are young enough where he may feel like not giving up his options/freedom and have to commit anytime soon hence the whole being out and drinking thing. At the same time, his friends are now getting engaged, etc.

I'm not sure what others would say, but if I were you I would try to keep it light when you talk and make it about fun and sassy times again. Whatever people say, I think guys don't know emotions the way that girls do and they don't know how to get past stuff, so they'll just quit. I heard somebody else say "Guys love solutions". In this case, by you being fun and light and getting on with your life he will have room to be able to tell you about himself and laugh and bond with you again.

Of course, you may just be breaking up, but I do think there is a chance there. It doesn't sound like he did anything so incorrigable that there isn't a possibility for forgiveness and moving on.

Questions to ask yourself? Is this someone you could see yourself having a happy life with (based on what is true, not your fantasies)? What is his character like? Is he a good guy all around? Does he respect and admire you?

GOOD LUCK!

[stephmichelle]

Questions to ask yourself? Is this someone you could see yourself having a happy life with (based on what is true, not your fantasies)? What is his character like? Is he a good guy all around? Does he respect and admire you?

 

Thank you for writing me - I've been going over those exact same questions since our break up! After seeing how he's been handling everything and how he's acting right now, his character is completely different than what I thought. I was asked by my mom a couple days ago - "If I met him tomorrow for the first time, would I want to be with someone like that?", no I wouldn't I keep thinking of the man I first fell in love with, and that's who I'm missing, but he's not there right now...

 

That's what it seems like to me, he would rather just quit than try to work on our relationship. It's easier for him I guess. I just wish I knew what was going on in his head so I understood better. Thank you so much for replying!